Silly Little Things

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about today but then I had a thought, silly things that make me cry. I thought it would be pretty boring, but I ran the idea by my friend and she said that could be interesting. So, let’s see where this goes. I guess I could start with the obvious and that would be movies. Yes, it’s almost guaranteed that I will be leaking tears during a sad movie or at least during a massively sad part of a movie. Come on, who didn’t cry when Mufasa died in the Lion King and that ridiculously sad bit with the song ‘Baby Mine’ from Dumbo. .. Stupid Disney. Don’t even get me started on Titanic, that old couple in the bed with the water rushing in around them. Yep.

But here’s something I bet you didn’t know… In the first Transformers movie when the people of Sector 7 catch up to the heroes of the movie and they capture Bumblebee, for some reason that part makes me tear up. Another movie I had tears during was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith when Anakin leads his assault on the Jedi Temple and kills the younglings who were hiding out in the High Council chambers. But that part is supposed to be sad. How would you feel if someone you trusted and looked up to just stormed your home and murdered you? I also may have cried a bit when Bane broke Batman in The Dark Knight Rises. The last two movies I saw in the theater, Iron Man 3 and the new Star Trek- I may or may not have had some tears at some point during each of those movies.

As for television shows, there are quite a few that make me cry. Especially Doctor Who. Damnit, Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat! Those two, I have shed countless tears over the episodes they have done. The one that gets me the most is one from series five called ‘Vincent and the Doctor.’ I also cried during the series finale of The Office. Yep. I love that show and I’m sad to see it go, but I’m also glad that they didn’t drag it out like some television series have been. There have been a few cartoons that have made me tear. Recently, I was watching an episode of Justice League Unlimited. It was an episode called ‘Epilogue’ and the episode was centered around Batman and how even when Bruce Wayne’s body is old and failing; the world still needs a Batman. Anyway, there is a flash back sequence that the character Amanda Waller is telling Terry McGinnis (who is the new Batman in the Batman Beyond series) about the kind of person Bruce Wayne is ahh.. screw it.. here’s a summary someone else wrote for the episode lol. I suck at this stuff..

65 years in the future from the present time, Terry McGinnis breaks into the home of former Project Cadmus director Amanda Waller to get some answers Bruce Wayne wasn’t willing to give him — answers about his actual genetic heritage, his being a close enough DNA match for Bruce Wayne. Waller first entertains McGinnis with a story about Bruce Wayne as Batman confronting Ace of the Royal Flush Gang, whose mental abilities were increasing and would suffer a brain aneurysm that would have a deadly psychic backlash, how he chose not to use Waller’s device to kill Ace but rather chose to sit with her to give her comfort until her death. Then Waller finally tells McGinnis that she is the one responsible for making him a genetic match for Bruce Wayne, all for the purpose of making sure there would be a Batman that would carry on the fight for justice. However, despite her hand in creating McGinnis to be what he is, she tells him that he still has a free will to do whatever he chooses to do with his life. McGinnis chooses to propose to his long-time girlfriend Dana Tan and to carry on in the mantle of the Batman, stating to the elderly Bruce, “I’ve got it covered, always.”

So, anyway, there were two things in that episode that made me tear up a bit. The first being when Terry confronts Bruce the first time about being a near perfect match to donate a kidney to Bruce, Bruce is sitting in a chair in the Batcave and is trying to open a bottle of medication. He’s like 90 years old at this point, but still, to see the person that was once Batman, who kept his body in prime condition and yet could not open a pill bottle. The second part is during the flashback with Ace from the Royal Flush Gang. Since he is the only one that Ace has seen before out of the group of Justice Leaguers that were there, he went to “kill” her, which he does not. He never intended to, but the conversation the two of them had and the way he just sat on the swing (I’m so lame.. I’m tearing up as I type here. I must look like an idiot sitting at my desk lol) next to Ace basically comforting her as she dies. Yep. Not sure why, but it makes me cry. Probably because of seeing someone like Batman, a fierce protector and complete bamf, sit down with someone who is essentially a little girl who knows she’s dying and offering comfort to her. Honestly, I love that character. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I’m weird like that, but if I could, I would totally marry Batman/Bruce Wayne.

Books. Holy balls, books. There are way too many to even begin listing and discuss that make me cry. Some of them are even books that normally wouldn’t make a person cry, but somehow I end up in tears. Same thing with music. I just can’t even start a list of songs because it would be massively long lol.

So, now you know something absolutely ridiculous about me. On a lighter note, I absolutely love the nail polish I’ve got on my finger nails currently! I wasn’t sure how I would like a gold polish with my skin tone, but I have to say it looks pretty good. I think the black tips help. So on each hand, there are four nails with the gold polish as a base with black tips and the other finger has a black base with a gold tip. And! To make it even more awesome, my right hand looks pretty good considering I am right handed and any time I try to do something fun, my left hand is so uncoordinated that it makes my nails look like a two-year-old tried to paint the Mona Lisa…blindfolded. Lol.

Just Some Observations

Last night as I was lying in bed, I had a thought. It was a strange thought, too. I was thinking about weight loss again, nothing new there really, but this thought struck me as kind of odd. Am I sabotaging myself when it comes to losing weight? I know what I can look like if I actually actively work at it. I’m not going to lie, I was hot. For those that know me, that is not something that I have ever said about myself, but I was looking at some older pictures of when I was in shape. Damnit, what the hell happened?! I suppose life happened, and depression. But back to my thought of sabotage.. Am I purposely not working at losing the weight because I don’t want to have people notice me? As far as I can remember, I have never liked being the center of attention. Maybe when I was little, I was outgoing and always wanted attention, but not since I was a teen. By the time I reached those years of my life, I wished I could just disappear into the walls and be invisible.

Even now, being larger I still get attention, however it is not attention that I want. At least back then, the attention was slightly more positive and wanted- whether I wanted it or not. I feel like having any attention on me is bad. I still wish I could just disappear into the walls. When I’m at work, I am really quiet and keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my co-workers, I’m just selective. I started my current job last October, and just three weeks ago, I ventured out and talked to the people I work with. I’m the type of person who observes those around me and then decides on who I want to talk to. I guess that may make me a snob, but I don’t want to talk to someone that is going to use what I tell them against me or go and tell the manager some juicy bit of information that has nothing to do with work or the work environment.

I’m kind of at a loss for words today, or at least right now, so I’m going to end this post here. If I think of anything else I’ll write it later.

Just Another Post

Considering I got nothing done that I had initially planned on for Memorial Day Weekend, I did have a pretty good weekend. Saturday, I went over to a friend’s house and helped plant some flowers with her.. maybe she’ll come over one day to my house and help me. Sunday my Spouse-Like-Person and I went and saw the new Star Trek movie. Pretty darn awesome. However, I won’t talk too much about it because I don’t want to spoil it for other people.

Yesterday, the SLP wanted to go to Milwaukee to a tropical fish store to get stuff for out fish tank. Apparently he had set aside a nice chunk of change to spend down there. However, there are things that need to be done before that like pay the damn renewal so we have valid license plates on one of our vehicles- something that was due in March, and now it’s nearly June.  Also yesterday, I did manage to get a little cleaning done, but not what I wanted to accomplish over the weekend.

I just feel so tired and run down all the time and I’m sure it has to do with sleep apnea. I do have an appointment set up for the sleep clinic in July, but it feels like it can’t get here soon enough. I just want to get this sorted out so I feel more rested. Granted, part of the problem lately may be due to me staying up late reading, writing, or watching things from Netflix on my phone. Yeah.. probably never should have downloaded that Netflix app.

I started writing again. I went through all of my older notebooks with things written in them and purged them. There are a lot of things that I have no desire to keep anymore. Some things that I just can’t seem to get rid of no matter how much I wish to, I’m going to keep in a binder for a while until I can finally bring myself to burn them. Since my recent obsession with Batman, I’ve been wanting to try my hand at writing something Batman related for a while. We’ll see how this goes. It will probably end up a jumbled mess of horrible.

I think I’m going to keep this post short and sweet today. So far, the phones have been kind of crazy from the holiday weekend and I’ll also be having someone sit with me while I train them- meaning no time to write a longer post today.

Until next time.

Thoughts on Things and My Way of Coping

Lately I’ve been full of self-doubt. Doubt about my life. Doubt about my relationship. Doubt about choices I’ve made. I don’t even know where to begin really. I think I’ve always lacked a certain confidence that allowed me to be someone who wasn’t afraid to make a choice and then immediately regret it afterward.

To be really honest, I’m not even confident in writing on this blog thing.  I just feel so.. I don’t even know really down, blue, depressed, anxious, hurt, under appreciated, alienated, sad, angry, upset, fearful, abandoned and that I could just cry at any moment. I wish that I never got out of bed this morning; I was comfortable and content just being there in my bed. I want to be invisible and just walk by people and have those people not even realize I was there. I realize that doesn’t solve anything, but in my head it seems like the perfect solution to things. Sure it will be lonely, but at least if I were invisible, I could visit people and be more comfortable around them because they wouldn’t see me. Maybe if I were invisible, people wouldn’t see me fail.

I feel like a failure in life. I haven’t really achieved many of the goals I set for myself. Though I suppose that is probably my fault for setting goals so high that I could never achieve them. For example, this whole weight loss thing just sucks. Last night I was filling out some paper work for the weight management clinic for my medical provider and I got to a question being on a scale of one to ten, how ready are you to commit, one being not at all and ten being yes absolutely sign me up right now. I wanted to write in negative five bajillion and two. The next one was another one to ten question along the lines of how confident you are, and again, I wanted to write in a negative number. I have zero confidence that I can do this weight loss thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve put so much pressure on myself that I have set myself up for failure before I even begin. I am so afraid of this change that I will fail.  Also with being afraid, my already non-existent confidence level has flown out the window into the deepest part of space never to be seen again.

Something I’ve realized with my past attempts to lose weight only to inevitably fail is that when I would lose the weight I would gain it back plus some more. So, ultimately that makes me a failure because I couldn’t keep the weight off and ended up even more weight. For the last few years, my body has been carrying around at the highest weight, 328 pounds. That is something I am so not proud of.  When I got my driver’s license in 2001, I weighed 135 pounds. Granted I was sixteen years old at the time, and not done growing. Eventually, that is my ultimate goal, to actually weigh what is on my license. So I guess that means I have a rather high set goal, to lose around 185 pounds with my current weight, and ultimately I am pretty sure I will fail and just end up gaining more. I realize that’s not a very positive thing to start a project with.

Man, I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a while. I also have this thought some days where I think everyone I know would be better off without me in their lives. It’s not like I want to kill myself or anything, I just want to not exist in their lives. I just feel that I’m not important enough to be part of these people’s amazing lives. I just don’t feel worthy to even know them. I realize that is probably quite ridiculous, but it’s just how I feel some days. Don’t know why, but actually, I feel more unworthy more days than feeling like I am worthy of something. That’s a feeling that I am not familiar with because I have always felt this way as long as I can remember.

It also goes hand in hand with my near blatant refusal for help for things. For this, I will put some of the blame on my parents. When I was in school and wanted help with homework or something else and I would ask my mom or dad for help, they would just sort of half give it if any at all. My mom’s excuse was that she didn’t understand what I was learning- mostly math. Everything else I was fine with, but I nearly always had math homework and I always needed help. I’m not the best when it comes to that subject. In fact I out right detest it. I understand where her and my dad are both coming from. They didn’t really study some of the stuff I was doing in school when it came to math because the lessons, practices and other things have changed so much over time in general that my parents were learning it with me almost. My brother was the only person I could really go to about math because he was only few years ahead of me, so it was still sort of fresh in his head provided he didn’t forget it when he went off to college and took other math classes that had nothing to do with what I was learning at the time.

I don’t know, I’m just a mess emotionally. I was talking with someone who I consider as one of my absolute best friends, I don’t have many friends but the few I have, I would trust them with my life. Anyway, I was talking to her this morning about my ridiculousness as of late. I’ve been watching everything Batman I can on Netflix. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Batman is my all-time favorite super hero like person EVER! So yeah, anyway, any time I think of Batman I hear Kevin Conroy’s voice in my head.. honestly, what is not to love about his voice, best Batman/Bruce Wayne voice ever. Anyway, here I am swooning and getting side tracked over a voice.. what the hell is wrong with me. Thankfully the person I was talking with this morning doesn’t think I’m that weird lol.

The entire point of my dribble there was to get to the point that I think I’m weird for having an emotional attachment to a fictional character. I partially blame my constant watching of the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited and other Batman things lately that I’ve formed some sort of attachment to the character of Batman. I’m 28 years old, should be feeling more adult like and yet I still feel as if I’m just a kid. I watch far too many cartoons for someone of my age. I’m getting ahead of myself again.. that’s just another topic I wanted to touch on eventually. But back to my issue of Batman. I’ve been struggling with myself over this and it’s absolutely ridiculously stupid. I feel silly and pretty dumb about the attachment, but my friend said it’s not dumb. I love her to death, but I still feel dumb. I’m attached to a fictional character more than my Spouse-Like-Person who I have been with for over ten years. What does that say about my relationship with my SLP, or rather lack of relationship. My friend said that it sounds like an escape and I know that is exactly what it is. I tend to cycle with who or what I am currently attached to. A few months ago, it was Dominic Howard, the drummer from the band Muse. Before that it was something else and before that it was another thing. My friend said it’s like finding an idealized version of what I’m looking for in a partner and that it does not make me a weird person that I do that. She also said that she does it as well but in a more generalized way, like escaping into good books and getting attached to the world and characters. I told her that I feel bad because most of the time I get so absorbed in whatever I’m into at the moment, whether it be reading, cartoons, movies, whatever.. that I ignore nearly everything around me. I know a lot of the behavior is part of me coping with my depression and anxiety issues and probably also trying to find the right person for me.

After I said that, my friend asked if I have decided if my SLP is the right person or is it something I’m still working through. I said that I don’t know, but I think I know deep down what the answer is but I’m just avoiding it. I feel like if I tell my SLP what I’m really thinking and how I feel, the world around me will crumble down and just shatter into a million little pieces that will never be put together again. That is not something that I want to do. I just wish I could figure out what I even want from my life. I have no idea and it hurts. My friend went on to say that it is understandable if the answer if one that would be hard, both on the emotional end and the practical, navigating through life end.

As we were talking on the instant messenger our work has for communicating with those not in our immediate department, I sat at my desk nearly in tears. I just feel so lost and that I will never be found. My way of coping with that is dreaming, getting absorbed into fictional universes and realities created by authors and even in my own writings, as well as occasionally falling temporarily in love with a fictional character. If I had it my way, I would just stay locked away up in my room all day and night just reading, listening to music, and just loosing myself to my surroundings.

My friend, really quick side note- I’m just going to call her Mara and when she reads this she’ll probably laugh. At least this way I won’t use her real name and then I don’t have to keep typing out ‘my friend.’ So, Mara made a comment that I’ve been more social and out of the house lately and asked if that’s helping things at all. I told her that it helps a bit and yet at the same time sort of makes me depressed because I have been realizing what I have been missing by being locked away in the house and being anti-social for all those years. But that’s not anything that I would blame my SLP for. It’s all on my because of just not wanting to go out and do things because of how self conscious I am about myself that it always got in the way of doing things.

It just sucks though because everything cycles back around to depression and anxiety. I’ve been on my anti-whatever you want to call it since January. People have told me they have seen a difference in me and the way that I carry myself and present myself, and yet I don’t always see that change. It’s very hard for me to look in a mirror and take in what I see. To be honest, I try to avoid mirrors at all cost, but I still look in one every morning to put some make up on and to do something with my hair. I have a full length mirror in my bedroom that I very rarely look in to see if the outfit I’m wearing looks ok. Mostly because I don’t want to see a fat person staring back at me. I have always seen myself larger than I really am, and let’s face it, that is pretty fucked up and if I had wanted to, I could have gone anorexic or bulimic to get my body to look like what I saw at one time in my head. Now, I just want to lose to be healthy and to sort of match the image of myself in my head. These days though, the person I see in my head isn’t some skinny little bitch that is just skin and bones. Cause who in the hell likes kissing and touching fleshy bones. So not a turn on in my book. It just sucks though. Living in the world we do today, we are basically forced to see or read about models and celebrities who are thin and it’s the hot thing to be.

I just can’t even begin to put into words how damaging that is to young impressionable girls. I’m pretty sure I was one of those little girls that looked up to people wanting to be just like them. Have the hot body, the money, the sexy husband, a family, a nice house and cars and a great job. I have wanted these things for so long because they were what I saw on tv, in magazines and written about in novels and other books. I think I will be comparing my life to those standards I set for myself so long ago that I’m just setting myself up for failure because I will never be able to attain those things. So, back to the character of Batman and Bruce Wayne. He is a rich fellow, who is rather sexy, has the nice house and cars as well as his day job and night time activities as Batman- someone who strives to rid the streets of Gotham of the filth and bad people just so the citizens of Gotham have a safe and happy place to live with their families. What is not to love about that character?

Alright, I’ve been rambling long enough I think. However, I will end this post with part of a conversation I was having with Mara this morning..

Mara: I have an idea to blog about. Overpopulation, medical advances, and the duality between our animal selves and true selves/souls

Me: ok, so what is your animal self?

Mara: The part that’s impulsive even though you know you shouldn’t do something or it’s unsafe. The part that of those people who cheat because of attraction when they love someone else

Me: ooo…I thought you meant something like my animal self is a cat lol

Mara: ooo That would have been fun lol

Me: or a fish. I’d be a cat cause cats are awesome

Mara: Our animal selves reach a child bearing age when we are still ourselves children. As the brain develops behind the rest of the body this creates a duality, a struggle within and a struggle with the elders of a community to find a balance meant to protect all involved. Some of us cheat despite love for a significant other because our bodies are attracted to another. Our bodies easily become addicted to things, craving them, forcing our true selves to make compromises and behave in ways we disagree with to feed the need. That’s a sample of it. lol and yes, cat’s are awesome

Me: they lay around all day, they have attitude, no fucks to give, and do awesome things that are cute, hilarious, or slightly disturbing and most people think they are awesome

Summer Time Randomness

Generally I like summer. Just not a fan of when it’s really hot or humid or both. Being in Wisconsin, we get all of that. March of last year, 2012, saw temperatures in the 80’s and June, July and August saw many days over 100. It was gross. And disgusting.

So, instead of bitching about what I don’t like about summer, I’ll try to stay positive and think of the good things. One of my favorite things to do is lay out in the back yard on a blanket in the sun and read a book. I’m one of those people that need to be in the sun to feel the warm rays on my skin to feel happy. I can’t really even begin how to describe how I feel in the winter when the sun isn’t out much or even when it’s cloudy and rainy the rest of the year. I just feel so down, tired and sad.

Another thing that I enjoy doing is planting things. That’s not really a summer thing, but it seems like the weather is just skipping spring lately, so I guess it could almost be considered a summer thing. What I don’t like about planting things is the weeds that tend to pop up as well. Last year I planted some lily bulbs. Two out of the four bulbs I planted sprouted and even grew a little, but with the heat and drought we had last year, I didn’t really think the two that grew would do as well as they had. Maybe this year they will come back.

The best part about summer would be going to water parks. I’m lucky to live about an hour away from the ‘Water Park Capital of the World’ also known as the Wisconsin Dells. There are two outdoor water parks that are not attached to a hotel or resort. Then there are at least five large hotel resorts that have water parks that are indoor and outdoor as well as some smaller hotels that have smaller indoor/outdoor water parks.

Last year was the first year I’ve gone to Noah’s Ark (the largest outdoor park in the Midwest and the eighth most visited in the United States) since 1999 when I went for the end of the year field trip for school. I was nervous about going because of my weight issues and I had prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew there. Once we got there, I was thankful I never saw anyone that I knew and also thankful that I wasn’t the only chunky monkey there. This year, I’m going with my work for the company picnic. Not sure how I feel about that yet, mostly because I don’t know that I want my co-workers to see what I look like in a swimming suit. Hello anxiety attack. But we’ll see. I know even with the people from work, even my department if they go, I won’t be the only larger person.

Well, this is a rubbish post. I’m so sorry I bored you to death.

Batman Dreams and Simpsons Games

It’s been a few days since my last post. I have a valid reason for that, I swear. Lol. Although, I do blame that game, The Simpsons Tapped Out. I’ve been trying to whack enough snakes to get the prizes before the Whacking Day thing ends- which will be sometime today. Secretly, I’m hoping that it will go on another week, but it has already been extended a week and by some comments on another blog I follow (which is about the game itself) other people wouldn’t be too happy if the Whacking Day bit gets extended again. As it is right now, I would need 2461 snakes for the next prize after Bare Chested Willie. It’s quite unfeasible, so I’m not too worried if I don’t get the last two prizes. By the way, this game is addicting. And fun.

I had a dream or two last night. I remember three different bits to whatever I was dreaming. The first part was I was at work and some random guy just appeared next to my desk and was asking where he could find a certain person. I told him that is not something I could assist him with and he kept insisting. I finally stood up and told him where to go to get that information. I remember saying “Leave my desk, go out the door you snuck in, then go through one of the three doors to your left, and go down the stairs. After you are down the stairs, walk straight over to the reception desk, tell the lady there who you are looking for and she will direct you to our HR department. Now get the hell out of here.” No idea where that came from because after that it changed to something else that was kind of weird.

The next part of the dream I remember I was in a big open indoor space with a car and some building support pillars, sort of like a parking garage/ramp but it was all enclosed so it wasn’t really. I was sitting on the hood of the car hugging my knees with my chin resting on my knees feeling sad. There was a person sitting next to me and since it was dark in the area, I couldn’t really see and I just remember him telling me that everything would be alright each time I would sniffle from crying.  I started to drift off to sleep and this guy told me he would watch over me as I slept and he promised that nothing would happen. So much for keeping his promise, I woke up a little bit later and he was gone. I slid off the hood of the car and walked around to try and figure out where I was. Off to my right there was a set of stairs that led up to a door. To my left there was nothingness. Just black upon black upon black, so I walked over to the stairs. About half way over, the door opened and the Joker walked out.

Not Heath Ledger’s Joker or even Jack Nicholson’s or Cesar Romero’s Jokers. It was the cartoon version voiced by Mark Hamill, but he was human. With the Joker being there, that led me to believe that the person that was sitting next to me was Batman before I fell asleep. For some reason, I don’t remember feeling terrified standing before the Joker. I asked him what he was doing here and he just replied “It’s your party dearie,” stopping to cackle and then continued on, “As far as I know, you wished me here. Maybe for a party?” he paused again and started pulling stuff out of his sleeves and confetti exploded out of a small pistol with a stick coming out of the end of the gun barrel with a little flag and the word ‘bang’ on it. “Or maybe for some games? I like games that are fun and deadly!” I asked him if he knew who was sitting by me earlier and he said no, but went on to say that if it was “Batsy” he would have been out sooner to torment him.

At that point, my dream sort of changed again, but kept with the super hero-ishness that was sort of going on. I was driving the car I was sitting on before with Batman sitting next to me, Joker was in the back seat along with The Flash. I was driving like I was going to work and instead of the normal parking ramps that are actually at my work, it was like a super parking ramp that was really tall. I pulled into my normal parking spot in the ramp, got out to go into work and there was a question asked and I remember replying that I did not know and got back in the car to drive away. When I got back in, it was just Batman and myself in the car, so I left work and as I was driving out of the ramp, the drive seemed longer and longer, like it was never ending. We finally got to a point where the ramp came to a ‘T’ intersection and no signs, so we sat there. I asked Batman if he had ever been in anything like this before and he said no. After talking about it a little more, we both decided on the same thing, to back the car up a bit, then gun it forward to break through the wall in front of us. I looked behind to back up and saw that the ramp was collapsing behind us, so we had to hurry. After going back as far as I could, I put the car in drive and just stepped on it, hoping and wishing that we would not become a bat-pancake. Apparently it was an illusion that shattered like glass when we drove through it and continued on to try and exit the parking ramp.

I have no idea if we ever left the parking ramp as I woke up to my side aching. Turns out I had my hand on my side and I was gripping my skin. Rather surprised it wasn’t bruised.

Life Sucks

Wow, talk about interesting weekend. Friday after work, I went out with some co-workers for drinks. I felt bad because I’m always too broke to be able to participate in stuff like that, and I was also massively tired so since I was sort of forced to go, I didn’t plan to stay long so I could go home and go to bed early. With all my good intentions of not drinking and leaving early, that didn’t happen. I ended up having a few drinks and staying until about 10:30ish. It was actually a lot of fun and I found out some interesting things about some people that I work with, and was also given more reasons to dislike some of the people that I work with.

There were some awkward moments Friday night…mostly between myself and another co-worker. I know that it only happened because he was drunk, but I’m not going to lie, the attention was nice and rather flattering. It’s interesting to see how “beer goggles” work. There were quite a few I love you’s said from this particular co-worker and I kept telling him to save those for his wife. Then as I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed me cheek a few times. Again, the attention was nice, but it was only because he was drunk.

Another thing I found out about the co-workers I went out with was that they think I weigh less than I really do. I’m not sure if they are being nice or what, but it was nice to know that they think I’m not as heavy as I really am.

Saturday was pretty good, slept until about 2:00 that afternoon- which is something I did not mean to do. I got up with my alarm that morning, but decided that I was just going to stay in bed all day and then fell back asleep.

Then there’s Sunday. Started out just fine, went over to my parents, spent the day with my mom and helped organize some things in the basement. Then dinner came around. I had to run home to get my Spouse-Like-Person, and when I walked in the door he said that we had to go get water for the fish tank. The store we get it from closes at 6:00 pm on Sunday and it was around 5:25 when I got home and dinner was supposed to be at 5:30. I was pissed. There was no reason why I had to go to the stupid store to get water with him. If he had better time management skills, he could have started cleaning the fish tank earlier in the day, had time to go get the water, and then we could have gone right back to my parents.

Dinner was bad. Not that it tasted bad, in fact it was delicious, but the “dinner discussion” was bad. Basically my dad ripped my SLP a new one. It’s the second time since I have been with my SLP that this has happened. The first time was after he finished mowing the lawn at my house and my SLP was mad that I didn’t defend him or take his side. I just stood there silent with tears streaming down my face. Same thing happened last night, my dad just basically went off and my SLP stood his ground a bit and fired back at my dad. I sat there stunned and again silent, but then started to cry. My SLP looked to me to say something and when I didn’t he got mad at me. I told him afterwards when we were at home that I agreed with my dad on a lot of those issues. Let’s face it. My SLP and I are not ready to take care of a house. We do not have the money and we are not able to do a lot of the work ourselves, so it going to cost even more to have the work done by someone else.

I asked my SLP on the way home last night if he wants to stay in the house. He said that he wants to make it our home. I’m not going to lie. That scares me a bit because I’m not sure that I want a future with my SLP.

I don’t even know what I want in life anymore. I’m not sure I want to have kids. I don’t know if I even want to be married or with someone for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. If I could figure out what I want out of life, it would help a lot. I am actually quite scared to move forward in life because the unknown is scary and I don’t know that I can handle whatever else life decides to throw my way.

Just Eh Today

I’m sitting here at my desk absolutely bored and so tired that I could fall asleep at any moment if it weren’t the calls coming in every now and then. It’s Friday. I wish I could have slept in today, but tomorrow I will. I say that I will do a lot of things ‘tomorrow’ and it seems to be my favorite phrase as of late other than the standard ‘I’ll do it in a bit.’

There are a few thoughts racing around in my head, a few that are entirely not appropriate for anyone besides myself and my poor disturbed brain. Usually when I’m bored, I can play a game on my phone for a bit or attempt to draw something. There is a picture I drew the other day. It’s pretty bitchin actually and I did not trace a thing on it. When I have trouble drawing something, sometimes I will trace the area I’m having trouble with, but then draw the rest.

It’s funny, when I started this post this morning, here I am nearly seven hours later trying to remember what I wanted to write. Probably some dramatic shit about being stuck in a gray fun sucking prison of doom and boredom. Not quite so ehh now. More like oh my fucking.. please just shoot my brains out and give me a strong stiff drink—which thankfully I will be getting after work. I am just drained. I want to go home and crawl back in bed and not emerge until tomorrow around noon. Sadly though, I don’t think that will the case tomorrow. I will probably be up earlyish and trying to get my room organized, which I’ve been trying to do for a year.

Damn.. a year? Yes, it has been a year since I blew up at my Spouse-Like-Person and moved out of the bedroom we shared. To be honest, not a whole lot has changed. I’m still being told that I’m selfish, we still fight and we don’t really have fun in the sack either. I’ve tried a few times on my own, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m broken. I guess I’m ok with being broken; I don’t really feel like I need that in my life right now. I’m still trying to figure myself out. I’m trying to figure a lot of things out actually and it hasn’t been going so well.

But really, today, I’m just tired and I would love to go home and take a nap but I’m going to be a good little worker ant and go out for a drink or two with some other worker ants from my department.

I’m just tired.

Sleeping.

Bed.

Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.

Dreams and Star Wars and Batman, Oh my!

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Mine was pretty good. Got to sleep in a bit finally, but I ended up staying up way to late on Saturday night watching stuff on YouTube and then sleeping half the day away on Sunday. Oh well. Not a whole lot happened this weekend, but it was still pretty good and massively relaxing after the crazy weekend before with helping my parents and singing in church.

It was kind of strange though, Saturday morning, I woke up sobbing- like hardcore sobbing, hyperventiling, and wet pillow from the tears. I vaguely remember what I was dreaming about, but it wasn’t anything that should have made me cry as hard as I did. In the dream, there was something about a military training airfield in my parents’ backyard. I was being trained on how to fly a World War II style fighter jet. I remember flying over the neighborhood, and then being shot at by the enemy. As my fighter was going down, my brother showed up and shot the enemy fighter. The damage was too great on my plane to continue flying it, so I had to eject but the first couple of tries to eject didn’t go over so well and then the last time I tried, the top of the plane finally popped off and I was finally able to get out of the fighter.

Some other things happened, and then I remember standing at the training field that was still in the backyard of my parents’ house. A messenger walked up to me and handed me a folded over piece of paper and after the messenger left, I read it. My heart sunk as I read the words on the paper and I started crying in my dream, which apparently made me cry while I was sleeping. In the dream, I went to the brick patio and started digging up something that I knew was buried there by the person that died in my dream. As I took the last few bricks away, there was a board so I lifted that away and under that board were some hearts cut out of wood. Each heart had something written on them and a name to the person the heart belonged to in the event of that particular person dying. I found a heart for me at the bottom of the pile. As I read what was written on my heart, it made me cry harder. That’s the point that I woke up.

I have no idea what was written on the heart, I wish I did though. But honestly, that’s one dream that I don’t want to have again. I think that is the first time that I woke up crying as hard as I was, and that is also something that I don’t really want to experience again. It was rather unpleasant and depressing.

This last Saturday was Star Wars day, May the 4^th be with you, and in honor of Star Wars day I decided to do something a little different with my hair. Since it’s not as long as it used to be so I had little buns instead of the big buns on the sides of my head. It was interesting, after church, we went to Dairy Queen for some ice cream, and as I was standing in line waiting for my treat, some older lady told me that she loved my hair. She said that it was a great style and it looked fabulous on me. In addition to the interesting love of my hair, she said that I have beautiful eyes. That I hear a lot actually and was told once that I should be a model for eye glasses. I’m actually asked a lot if I wear contacts. Nope, contact free. You know, that is one part of my body that I absolutely love, my eyes. They are pretty fantastic.

Other than that, not a whole lot happened this weekend. I did realize that I absolutely adore Kevin Conroy, he’s the voice of Bruce Wayne/Batman from ‘Batman: The Animated Series’ and a whole lot of other things. Speaking of Batman, Batman is the best. My all time favorite DC comic book character. If I could, I’d like to mary Batman.

I guess now that I think about it, there are some other things that I’d like to write about to get off my chest, but it won’t be today. It’s just going to take a little longer to get a post done about one of the other things that I’m annoyed with. Until then, have a lovely rest of your day.