Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I’ve been having mixed feelings lately and I am really ashamed to admit that I have recently thought about cheating on my person. I don’t even know how I would go about doing that? I don’t go out and hit on people, and dating sites and the like scare me because I wonder how truthful people are on those. Even the more adult ones. I don’t know. I just don’t. Does this make me a bad person that I’ve thought about doing something like that? I know I’m not the only one that had thought about it, even in my own relationship with my person. I know he’s thought about it- we’ve even talked about it. I’m just too scared to talk to him about it. I know I’m not perfect by any means, but for some reason, me admitting I’ve thought about something like this is weak. I should be able to control my thoughts better than I have been. I actually don’t know what’s worse; thinking about cheating, not being able to control those thoughts, or seeing both of those things as a weakness.

I will be completely honest, my person and I haven’t done anything with each other in a very long time, at least a year. I just think I’m broken. I feel broken. Sure, things work, but mentally, I don’t know that I work or even if there is a connection anymore. That is probably due to my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been on this medication for six months now. I feel amazing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy again, but I still feel that part of me is missing. My person has made comments about he can see the old me, before the depression hit hard, starting to come out and he misses the old me. That may be, but I don’t know that I want the old pre-depression me to come back. I feel like a new person and I need to move forward with my life, not go back to how things used to be because I know that it won’t ever be like that again.

People change, and that’s something that is always going to happen. You can’t stop change just like you can’t stop the sun from setting. I didn’t intend on changing from the pre-depressed me to the me I am today. It just happened over time. Is this new me a cheater? Probably not. If given the opportunity, I think I might take it, but then I’d get to wherever the deed would happen and not be able to walk in. It’s just not me to cheat on my person. As much as he drives me insane, as much as I actually hate him at times, and as much as I want to strangle him, I would never ever cheat on him. I’m too loyal and I don’t know if I could ever live with myself if I did. Besides, my person would probably be more disappointed that he didn’t get to watch or be part of it lol. I’m not sure if that’s something that would interest me. It’s just a strange thought to me.

So, regardless of how much I think about it some days, toady being a day that it’s on my mind a lot for some reason, I would not be able to go through with it. If I do cheat on him with anything, it would be fictional characters in books. Falling in and out of love with them.. that’s just a temporary emotional bond and not exactly physically cheating.

But now that I mention that, I guess I did lie in a sense. I’ve been cheating on him with fictional characters from books for our entire relationship. But it’s not that physical bond, more emotional. Even then though, it’s not like it’s lasted any longer than the book or anything else beyond the words on the pages, so I suppose that’s not really cheating. If it were, there would be a lot of cheaters in the world.

The entire cheating aspect is like a naughty fantasy, and that’s all it ever would be. A fantasy, and one that would never come to fruition in my life. I think those thoughts are going to be stored away in my memory warehouse in the file with other things like getting it on with an actor that I have absolutely no chance with, let alone even meeting him.

For other people, I do understand why they cheat. No physical contact between each other, no emotional bond, and some do it just because that’s how they are. I don’t know that I’m any of those even though there is no physical connection between my person and I lately and certainly no emotional bond from me towards him.

I just feel lost.

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Writing and its Awesomeness

I feel kind of stuck today. Not really a bad thing, just not sure what to write about. Maybe that’s a good subject, writing. I’ve been talking with a friend of mine this morning about writing. She was im’ing me a few lines from a post she’s working on. I keep telling her she should be a writer. She’s got this amazing style and a very awesome point of view. Her husband also likes to write and he’s got this fantastic idea for an original fantasy novel. I truly hope he gets his idea down on paper because I would love to read it.

It’s strange. I love the idea of writing a book, but I don’t know that I could come up with something original enough or something written well enough that people would want to read it. It’s definitely something that I struggle with because I don’t think that I am original or that I even write well. I know technically my grammar is horrible, but it’s not something that I really care about too much. I do like the help from Open Office and Word offer when something isn’t right, but even then it’s not always correct so I use it more as a guide. I would love to be an author with a best-selling novel or short story, but my lack of originality and my style of writing probably won’t make for a good story.

Speaking of writing style, I feel like my style is rambling. Mostly because I guess that’s how I write on here. Even when I’m writing something else for myself or to share with the lucky few people I trust to not judge me into oblivion, it still turns into dribble that has been rambled to hell and back. My other writing style seems to be that I write how I speak, or at least how I think I sound when I speak. I guess if you could ask anyone that I talk to on a daily basis they might tell you that I have a unique way of speaking. Probably because it’s me. I don’t think I’m that original or unique, but in our own rights we are all unique and different.

Hrrmmm.. what else about writing can I ramble on about today. I do love writing, and I consider it one of my hobbies. I guess my love of writing decided to show up when I was in middle school. It started out as silly ridiculous fan fiction of a band I happened to like at the time. Then Star Wars happened. Yeah, I won’t get too much into that one cause it’s still on going and yeah, lol. Some other fandoms popped up as well as certain people and other bands. But I don’t know that it was until 1998 when I was in eighth grade and my English teacher made us keep journals. She always said that writing saved her life and I would always ask her why. She finally answered and unfortunately, I can’t remember what she said. But whatever it was, I’m glad it happened. She was the best teacher I ever had until another English teacher I had in high school. Funny thing is, those two roomed together in college.

Anyway, I think I can say without a doubt that writing saved my life as well. It’s helped shape me into the person I am today; it’s been an amazing outlet for me when I’ve been depressed beyond anything else. I can go back and read what I wrote and know that I am working on never going back to that dark place again. Music has also saved my life, but that’s not what this post is about today.

I think I’m going to end my post here for now. There really isn’t much more that I feel I can ramble on about writing. I’m sure that if I think of something else, I’ll add it or just write a new post on something else later today.

I did want to add a note of thanks to all of you that actually read this. THANK YOU! Whether you actually read it or not, it has helped me personally to get my thoughts out as well as my dreams and to work through some issues that have been plaguing me for quite a while. If I could I would bake all of you cookies with frosting. Thank you!

Regrets and a Few Other Things

Here it is Friday night, I’m at home sitting at my computer trying to think of something to post. I had this idea while I was at work the other day since this is my 30th post, that I would make a post of thirty things that I want to do this summer. Yeah.. nope. I started a list, and most of the things on there are movies that are coming out this year that I want to see. So, that’s not really a list of things to do.

Maybe I could make this a post about regrets. I’ve got a large one from last Friday. After work, I went out with some friends after work and ended up consuming at least six at most possibly eight of a particular alcoholic drink in two and a half to three hours- which ended up being 24 to 32 shots of liquor in that short amount of time. I’ve been told that I would have been fine had they not set a tray of twelve shots of tequila and because of the smell of the tequila I puked. On the table. In a beer pitcher. Even a little bit on the person sitting next to me. It was a bad night after that. I remember everything before about 8:30, but if you were to ask me what happened after that, I could not tell you. So, I suppose that’s a regret since it was my anniversary with my SLP. I remember sitting on the toilet at home, sobbing into a bucket while puking saying, “I’m sorry, so so so sorry,” over and over again.

Other things that I suppose I regret would be not pursing certain things in high school. Like actually doing my home work to get better grades to go to college to get a better job. Don’t get me wrong, I love the job I have now, but at this point in my life, I thought I would be better off. Back to the high school thing, I regret not asking a boy or two out for more than one date. Sure they were fun dates, if you could even call them that, but I got scared and didn’t want to be attached to someone I went to high school with. There was always that whatever you want to call it of dating someone from high school, then saying you’ll stay together through college and then you do, but realize once it’s too late that you were better off apart. Main thing is, I regret that I didn’t see where the relationships would have taken me.

Another thing that I regret is something that I’m still struggling with now. I don’t know that I want to stay with my SLP because of not knowing if I actually truly love him. It’s something that I regret because again, I’m too scared to see what would happen if I were to leave him. I just know that right now, it’s easier to stay. With him I have a place to live, a car to get myself to and from work and other places that I need to be, and those other things like computer, television and stuff like that. I guess it’s more of a possible future regret if I don’t do something about it soon.

I also regret that I start things and never finish them, but who doesn’t you know?

I did also want to just have a post of my normal rambling. The last week and a few days, I’ve been training the newest person in my department at work. I lucked out on this because I’ve worked with this person for two years previously in the last department I was in. I trained her then too, so I know how much I can push. My manager told me that I’ll be training someone who is starting in July and I’m terrified. I think I’ve done a horrible job training, but that’s just who I am I think. I think I do a bad job at everything. Maybe because I set my standards stupidly high so that I never reach them and I constantly fail. I suppose that’s something to regret as well. I’ve probably missed out on some great opportunities because of that. I never thought that I would miss being on the phone as much as I have the last few days where I’ve been listening to calls with the new person while she did all the talking in case she had questions about what was being asked of her. I miss having the slight freedom of being able to talk to one of the people I consider my best friend. I miss being able to listen to music in one ear to make the day go by faster and it also helps forget the people that are rude and demeaning over the phone. I miss being able to write a post for this whatever you want to call it thing that started out as a dream log and turned into something more where I can figure my thoughts out. I miss not having to have people depend on my to learn something. One of the things I like the most about my job is the easiness of it. It’s simple. A customer calls in, they want to talk to a person and you connect the call to that person. Sometimes you’ll have to do a little extra work to dig up the claim the customer is calling about, or try and defuse a situation where the customer is pissed off about something that is out of your control. Yet all the customer needed was someone to that they could vent to but then they say, “Look, I know it’s not your fault, but I just really needed to talk to someone about it,” and you offer to get them in touch with someone that can help them and most of the time they will say no because you helped enough and they are ok now just because you sat there listening to what they were saying.

Another thing that I miss is something from my old job. Sure it sucked not having the benefits of health insurance and actual vacation days where you didn’t have to work some massively fucked up hours just to make sure you reached 40 hours each week to have enough money for bills. But I miss the freedom of being able to take lunches and breaks whenever and being able to watching or listen to something playing on Netflix all day. Honestly though, I would trade that in a heartbeat any day for the stability of being a full time employee and the benefits. Some day I may look at other positions within the company, but right now I feel very secure in my position. I do my job, and apparently I do it well even though I half ass it most of the day.

Lately I’ve been trying my had at writing some Batman something or another. I don’t usually share my writing with many people, but I did end up sharing what I had typed up with my friend. She said she liked it so far, but I don’t know. I wonder if she was just saying that, lol. I know that she would never lie about something like that to me, but I’m so not confident in my writing skills and think that everything I write is just shit. I also feel like the ideas that I have and want to write are things that have already been written, the ideas aren’t good or they don’t match the characters I’m writing- or at least attempting to write. I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. I think that’s probably another thing that I regret. Maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll post what I’ve got written on here on a different page or something. So far though, I’ve been writing it for my own amusement with no thoughts of really sharing with other people. I just shared with her because I wanted an opinion on something because, like usual, I thought it was pretty lame so far. I’ve got a short list of ideas I want to try out with this thing. Hopefully they aren’t all as horrible as I seem to think they are.

Speaking of writing, there is a Star Wars related thing that I’ve been working on FOREVER, lol. I started writing it in 1999 after I saw The Phantom Menace and decided that Obi-Wan needed a special female Jedi in his life. Over the years, my character I created has had some changes made to her and I really like what she is now. I have quite a bit of that written out and so many more ideas for that one in my head as well. I really wish I had a pensieve from the world of Harry Potter so I could extract those thoughts from my head and bottle them for when the mood to write strikes. I find myself struggling to think of something to write when I sit down and plan on writing, basically forcing myself to write instead of waiting for the right time to write. My ideal writing time seems to be when I’m laying in bed before falling asleep or taking a bath. Those are the times I am most relaxed and the ideas are easier to form. I think that’s common for most people- having to be relaxed and open to the ideas in the mind. Forced writing is terrible and just doesn’t make for exciting or dynamic things in whatever is being read. I often wonder if my blog, or whatever you would call this, is forced writing or more organic and flowing. I would have to say that due to the rambling nature of my writing on here, it’s more organic and it comes from my heart and mind instead of being forced writing that has no feeling. A few times my own writing has brought me to tears. Not really on here, except in a post from last week I think it was where I was talking about the aging Bruce Wayne/Batman where his body was basically failing him. No, there may have been another time I was nearly in tears writing a post that was truly from the heart and my feelings on something.

One night I was in bed trying to write a good bye bit for my Star Wars thing, I have a tendency to skip around in that one. It’s been on going for so long that I’ll write something where Obi-Wan and the character I created are younger one moment and the next moment, I’m writing something where they are older. So anyway, I was trying to write the bit where Obi-Wan and my character part ways until she dies, and for some reason, I pictured it in my head, but putting it into actual words on paper hurt my heart so much that I was in tears trying to write it out. I’ve come to love my character and the thought of her having to say good bye to the person she’s shared her life with, her best friend and the person she loves more than anything was just killing me inside. I would hate to be in her position. Each time I think about that part, I see the same thing in my head like that night I tried to write it. It’s just in my head so clearly that I’ve wondered if maybe in a past life of mine, my soul was in a good bye like that with a soul mate.

Speaking of soul mates and past lives, I’ve had some dreams that were so vivid and so real that it felt like I was actually there. Those dreams have made me wonder if they were truly a past life of mine. I think shit like that is pretty awesome and if I could, I would love to walk the halls of my soul to see where it’s been and who it’s been with in the past. I have this feeling that my soul is probably middle aged. I’ve talked with a friend about this and she says that her soul is an old soul, and if you knew her, like I think I do that would be a correct assumption. Her personality and actions are wise, like she’s been around, seen some shit you know? I feel like my soul still has a lot of learning to do, so maybe it’s a young soul. I don’t know, but one thing I know is that I think my soul was at least around during the World Wars. I’ve had multiple dreams before about a couple during World War II where the newly wedded husband has to go off to fight. The husband and his new bride write letters back and forth. One day, she writes him and tells him that he’s going to be a father by the time he returns home. Excited by the news, he writes a letter back telling her that he’s got a feeling the war is going to be over soon. Oh man, was he wrong. Later that day, he’s killed. In my dreams, his death has varied from being shot down over the German country side, to being killed by bombings to being shot in the head, heart or another random body part or area, to being gutted by a bayonet during hand to hand combat with enemy soldiers. For the wife, she ends up miscarrying and is devastated when she learns that her new husband has been killed in action. Feeling like her life is over and she has nothing left to give to the world, she enlists to be an army nurse and demands to be sent over seas. Sometimes she is sent over seas to the war front in Europe, other times it’s to the Pacific theater. Other times she takes her own life.

Something in regards to souls and reincarnations, I just had a thought. It’s probably not that original actually, and now that I think about it, I think my friend mentioned it one day when we were talking about this. But each time you die, your soul is split. Like not bad like Voldemort soul splitting to become immortal, but like a little piece of it goes missing. Maybe it stays with the body that was currently carrying it, maybe it goes onto a different person from the rest of the soul. Or maybe it’s totally split in half. If that’s the case, maybe it’s why it’s possible to have multiple soul mates. I think the people that you meet in your life are in your life because they carry part of your original soul. Hopefully that makes sense. It’s starting to get late and I need to get to bed. I’m actually planning on doing some yard work tomorrow before church.

With that, I will leave you and wish you all a good night and happy dreams. Until next time.

Silly Little Things

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about today but then I had a thought, silly things that make me cry. I thought it would be pretty boring, but I ran the idea by my friend and she said that could be interesting. So, let’s see where this goes. I guess I could start with the obvious and that would be movies. Yes, it’s almost guaranteed that I will be leaking tears during a sad movie or at least during a massively sad part of a movie. Come on, who didn’t cry when Mufasa died in the Lion King and that ridiculously sad bit with the song ‘Baby Mine’ from Dumbo. .. Stupid Disney. Don’t even get me started on Titanic, that old couple in the bed with the water rushing in around them. Yep.

But here’s something I bet you didn’t know… In the first Transformers movie when the people of Sector 7 catch up to the heroes of the movie and they capture Bumblebee, for some reason that part makes me tear up. Another movie I had tears during was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith when Anakin leads his assault on the Jedi Temple and kills the younglings who were hiding out in the High Council chambers. But that part is supposed to be sad. How would you feel if someone you trusted and looked up to just stormed your home and murdered you? I also may have cried a bit when Bane broke Batman in The Dark Knight Rises. The last two movies I saw in the theater, Iron Man 3 and the new Star Trek- I may or may not have had some tears at some point during each of those movies.

As for television shows, there are quite a few that make me cry. Especially Doctor Who. Damnit, Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat! Those two, I have shed countless tears over the episodes they have done. The one that gets me the most is one from series five called ‘Vincent and the Doctor.’ I also cried during the series finale of The Office. Yep. I love that show and I’m sad to see it go, but I’m also glad that they didn’t drag it out like some television series have been. There have been a few cartoons that have made me tear. Recently, I was watching an episode of Justice League Unlimited. It was an episode called ‘Epilogue’ and the episode was centered around Batman and how even when Bruce Wayne’s body is old and failing; the world still needs a Batman. Anyway, there is a flash back sequence that the character Amanda Waller is telling Terry McGinnis (who is the new Batman in the Batman Beyond series) about the kind of person Bruce Wayne is ahh.. screw it.. here’s a summary someone else wrote for the episode lol. I suck at this stuff..

65 years in the future from the present time, Terry McGinnis breaks into the home of former Project Cadmus director Amanda Waller to get some answers Bruce Wayne wasn’t willing to give him — answers about his actual genetic heritage, his being a close enough DNA match for Bruce Wayne. Waller first entertains McGinnis with a story about Bruce Wayne as Batman confronting Ace of the Royal Flush Gang, whose mental abilities were increasing and would suffer a brain aneurysm that would have a deadly psychic backlash, how he chose not to use Waller’s device to kill Ace but rather chose to sit with her to give her comfort until her death. Then Waller finally tells McGinnis that she is the one responsible for making him a genetic match for Bruce Wayne, all for the purpose of making sure there would be a Batman that would carry on the fight for justice. However, despite her hand in creating McGinnis to be what he is, she tells him that he still has a free will to do whatever he chooses to do with his life. McGinnis chooses to propose to his long-time girlfriend Dana Tan and to carry on in the mantle of the Batman, stating to the elderly Bruce, “I’ve got it covered, always.”

So, anyway, there were two things in that episode that made me tear up a bit. The first being when Terry confronts Bruce the first time about being a near perfect match to donate a kidney to Bruce, Bruce is sitting in a chair in the Batcave and is trying to open a bottle of medication. He’s like 90 years old at this point, but still, to see the person that was once Batman, who kept his body in prime condition and yet could not open a pill bottle. The second part is during the flashback with Ace from the Royal Flush Gang. Since he is the only one that Ace has seen before out of the group of Justice Leaguers that were there, he went to “kill” her, which he does not. He never intended to, but the conversation the two of them had and the way he just sat on the swing (I’m so lame.. I’m tearing up as I type here. I must look like an idiot sitting at my desk lol) next to Ace basically comforting her as she dies. Yep. Not sure why, but it makes me cry. Probably because of seeing someone like Batman, a fierce protector and complete bamf, sit down with someone who is essentially a little girl who knows she’s dying and offering comfort to her. Honestly, I love that character. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I’m weird like that, but if I could, I would totally marry Batman/Bruce Wayne.

Books. Holy balls, books. There are way too many to even begin listing and discuss that make me cry. Some of them are even books that normally wouldn’t make a person cry, but somehow I end up in tears. Same thing with music. I just can’t even start a list of songs because it would be massively long lol.

So, now you know something absolutely ridiculous about me. On a lighter note, I absolutely love the nail polish I’ve got on my finger nails currently! I wasn’t sure how I would like a gold polish with my skin tone, but I have to say it looks pretty good. I think the black tips help. So on each hand, there are four nails with the gold polish as a base with black tips and the other finger has a black base with a gold tip. And! To make it even more awesome, my right hand looks pretty good considering I am right handed and any time I try to do something fun, my left hand is so uncoordinated that it makes my nails look like a two-year-old tried to paint the Mona Lisa…blindfolded. Lol.

Thoughts on Things and My Way of Coping

Lately I’ve been full of self-doubt. Doubt about my life. Doubt about my relationship. Doubt about choices I’ve made. I don’t even know where to begin really. I think I’ve always lacked a certain confidence that allowed me to be someone who wasn’t afraid to make a choice and then immediately regret it afterward.

To be really honest, I’m not even confident in writing on this blog thing.  I just feel so.. I don’t even know really down, blue, depressed, anxious, hurt, under appreciated, alienated, sad, angry, upset, fearful, abandoned and that I could just cry at any moment. I wish that I never got out of bed this morning; I was comfortable and content just being there in my bed. I want to be invisible and just walk by people and have those people not even realize I was there. I realize that doesn’t solve anything, but in my head it seems like the perfect solution to things. Sure it will be lonely, but at least if I were invisible, I could visit people and be more comfortable around them because they wouldn’t see me. Maybe if I were invisible, people wouldn’t see me fail.

I feel like a failure in life. I haven’t really achieved many of the goals I set for myself. Though I suppose that is probably my fault for setting goals so high that I could never achieve them. For example, this whole weight loss thing just sucks. Last night I was filling out some paper work for the weight management clinic for my medical provider and I got to a question being on a scale of one to ten, how ready are you to commit, one being not at all and ten being yes absolutely sign me up right now. I wanted to write in negative five bajillion and two. The next one was another one to ten question along the lines of how confident you are, and again, I wanted to write in a negative number. I have zero confidence that I can do this weight loss thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve put so much pressure on myself that I have set myself up for failure before I even begin. I am so afraid of this change that I will fail.  Also with being afraid, my already non-existent confidence level has flown out the window into the deepest part of space never to be seen again.

Something I’ve realized with my past attempts to lose weight only to inevitably fail is that when I would lose the weight I would gain it back plus some more. So, ultimately that makes me a failure because I couldn’t keep the weight off and ended up even more weight. For the last few years, my body has been carrying around at the highest weight, 328 pounds. That is something I am so not proud of.  When I got my driver’s license in 2001, I weighed 135 pounds. Granted I was sixteen years old at the time, and not done growing. Eventually, that is my ultimate goal, to actually weigh what is on my license. So I guess that means I have a rather high set goal, to lose around 185 pounds with my current weight, and ultimately I am pretty sure I will fail and just end up gaining more. I realize that’s not a very positive thing to start a project with.

Man, I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a while. I also have this thought some days where I think everyone I know would be better off without me in their lives. It’s not like I want to kill myself or anything, I just want to not exist in their lives. I just feel that I’m not important enough to be part of these people’s amazing lives. I just don’t feel worthy to even know them. I realize that is probably quite ridiculous, but it’s just how I feel some days. Don’t know why, but actually, I feel more unworthy more days than feeling like I am worthy of something. That’s a feeling that I am not familiar with because I have always felt this way as long as I can remember.

It also goes hand in hand with my near blatant refusal for help for things. For this, I will put some of the blame on my parents. When I was in school and wanted help with homework or something else and I would ask my mom or dad for help, they would just sort of half give it if any at all. My mom’s excuse was that she didn’t understand what I was learning- mostly math. Everything else I was fine with, but I nearly always had math homework and I always needed help. I’m not the best when it comes to that subject. In fact I out right detest it. I understand where her and my dad are both coming from. They didn’t really study some of the stuff I was doing in school when it came to math because the lessons, practices and other things have changed so much over time in general that my parents were learning it with me almost. My brother was the only person I could really go to about math because he was only few years ahead of me, so it was still sort of fresh in his head provided he didn’t forget it when he went off to college and took other math classes that had nothing to do with what I was learning at the time.

I don’t know, I’m just a mess emotionally. I was talking with someone who I consider as one of my absolute best friends, I don’t have many friends but the few I have, I would trust them with my life. Anyway, I was talking to her this morning about my ridiculousness as of late. I’ve been watching everything Batman I can on Netflix. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Batman is my all-time favorite super hero like person EVER! So yeah, anyway, any time I think of Batman I hear Kevin Conroy’s voice in my head.. honestly, what is not to love about his voice, best Batman/Bruce Wayne voice ever. Anyway, here I am swooning and getting side tracked over a voice.. what the hell is wrong with me. Thankfully the person I was talking with this morning doesn’t think I’m that weird lol.

The entire point of my dribble there was to get to the point that I think I’m weird for having an emotional attachment to a fictional character. I partially blame my constant watching of the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited and other Batman things lately that I’ve formed some sort of attachment to the character of Batman. I’m 28 years old, should be feeling more adult like and yet I still feel as if I’m just a kid. I watch far too many cartoons for someone of my age. I’m getting ahead of myself again.. that’s just another topic I wanted to touch on eventually. But back to my issue of Batman. I’ve been struggling with myself over this and it’s absolutely ridiculously stupid. I feel silly and pretty dumb about the attachment, but my friend said it’s not dumb. I love her to death, but I still feel dumb. I’m attached to a fictional character more than my Spouse-Like-Person who I have been with for over ten years. What does that say about my relationship with my SLP, or rather lack of relationship. My friend said that it sounds like an escape and I know that is exactly what it is. I tend to cycle with who or what I am currently attached to. A few months ago, it was Dominic Howard, the drummer from the band Muse. Before that it was something else and before that it was another thing. My friend said it’s like finding an idealized version of what I’m looking for in a partner and that it does not make me a weird person that I do that. She also said that she does it as well but in a more generalized way, like escaping into good books and getting attached to the world and characters. I told her that I feel bad because most of the time I get so absorbed in whatever I’m into at the moment, whether it be reading, cartoons, movies, whatever.. that I ignore nearly everything around me. I know a lot of the behavior is part of me coping with my depression and anxiety issues and probably also trying to find the right person for me.

After I said that, my friend asked if I have decided if my SLP is the right person or is it something I’m still working through. I said that I don’t know, but I think I know deep down what the answer is but I’m just avoiding it. I feel like if I tell my SLP what I’m really thinking and how I feel, the world around me will crumble down and just shatter into a million little pieces that will never be put together again. That is not something that I want to do. I just wish I could figure out what I even want from my life. I have no idea and it hurts. My friend went on to say that it is understandable if the answer if one that would be hard, both on the emotional end and the practical, navigating through life end.

As we were talking on the instant messenger our work has for communicating with those not in our immediate department, I sat at my desk nearly in tears. I just feel so lost and that I will never be found. My way of coping with that is dreaming, getting absorbed into fictional universes and realities created by authors and even in my own writings, as well as occasionally falling temporarily in love with a fictional character. If I had it my way, I would just stay locked away up in my room all day and night just reading, listening to music, and just loosing myself to my surroundings.

My friend, really quick side note- I’m just going to call her Mara and when she reads this she’ll probably laugh. At least this way I won’t use her real name and then I don’t have to keep typing out ‘my friend.’ So, Mara made a comment that I’ve been more social and out of the house lately and asked if that’s helping things at all. I told her that it helps a bit and yet at the same time sort of makes me depressed because I have been realizing what I have been missing by being locked away in the house and being anti-social for all those years. But that’s not anything that I would blame my SLP for. It’s all on my because of just not wanting to go out and do things because of how self conscious I am about myself that it always got in the way of doing things.

It just sucks though because everything cycles back around to depression and anxiety. I’ve been on my anti-whatever you want to call it since January. People have told me they have seen a difference in me and the way that I carry myself and present myself, and yet I don’t always see that change. It’s very hard for me to look in a mirror and take in what I see. To be honest, I try to avoid mirrors at all cost, but I still look in one every morning to put some make up on and to do something with my hair. I have a full length mirror in my bedroom that I very rarely look in to see if the outfit I’m wearing looks ok. Mostly because I don’t want to see a fat person staring back at me. I have always seen myself larger than I really am, and let’s face it, that is pretty fucked up and if I had wanted to, I could have gone anorexic or bulimic to get my body to look like what I saw at one time in my head. Now, I just want to lose to be healthy and to sort of match the image of myself in my head. These days though, the person I see in my head isn’t some skinny little bitch that is just skin and bones. Cause who in the hell likes kissing and touching fleshy bones. So not a turn on in my book. It just sucks though. Living in the world we do today, we are basically forced to see or read about models and celebrities who are thin and it’s the hot thing to be.

I just can’t even begin to put into words how damaging that is to young impressionable girls. I’m pretty sure I was one of those little girls that looked up to people wanting to be just like them. Have the hot body, the money, the sexy husband, a family, a nice house and cars and a great job. I have wanted these things for so long because they were what I saw on tv, in magazines and written about in novels and other books. I think I will be comparing my life to those standards I set for myself so long ago that I’m just setting myself up for failure because I will never be able to attain those things. So, back to the character of Batman and Bruce Wayne. He is a rich fellow, who is rather sexy, has the nice house and cars as well as his day job and night time activities as Batman- someone who strives to rid the streets of Gotham of the filth and bad people just so the citizens of Gotham have a safe and happy place to live with their families. What is not to love about that character?

Alright, I’ve been rambling long enough I think. However, I will end this post with part of a conversation I was having with Mara this morning..

Mara: I have an idea to blog about. Overpopulation, medical advances, and the duality between our animal selves and true selves/souls

Me: ok, so what is your animal self?

Mara: The part that’s impulsive even though you know you shouldn’t do something or it’s unsafe. The part that of those people who cheat because of attraction when they love someone else

Me: ooo…I thought you meant something like my animal self is a cat lol

Mara: ooo That would have been fun lol

Me: or a fish. I’d be a cat cause cats are awesome

Mara: Our animal selves reach a child bearing age when we are still ourselves children. As the brain develops behind the rest of the body this creates a duality, a struggle within and a struggle with the elders of a community to find a balance meant to protect all involved. Some of us cheat despite love for a significant other because our bodies are attracted to another. Our bodies easily become addicted to things, craving them, forcing our true selves to make compromises and behave in ways we disagree with to feed the need. That’s a sample of it. lol and yes, cat’s are awesome

Me: they lay around all day, they have attitude, no fucks to give, and do awesome things that are cute, hilarious, or slightly disturbing and most people think they are awesome

Life Sucks

Wow, talk about interesting weekend. Friday after work, I went out with some co-workers for drinks. I felt bad because I’m always too broke to be able to participate in stuff like that, and I was also massively tired so since I was sort of forced to go, I didn’t plan to stay long so I could go home and go to bed early. With all my good intentions of not drinking and leaving early, that didn’t happen. I ended up having a few drinks and staying until about 10:30ish. It was actually a lot of fun and I found out some interesting things about some people that I work with, and was also given more reasons to dislike some of the people that I work with.

There were some awkward moments Friday night…mostly between myself and another co-worker. I know that it only happened because he was drunk, but I’m not going to lie, the attention was nice and rather flattering. It’s interesting to see how “beer goggles” work. There were quite a few I love you’s said from this particular co-worker and I kept telling him to save those for his wife. Then as I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed me cheek a few times. Again, the attention was nice, but it was only because he was drunk.

Another thing I found out about the co-workers I went out with was that they think I weigh less than I really do. I’m not sure if they are being nice or what, but it was nice to know that they think I’m not as heavy as I really am.

Saturday was pretty good, slept until about 2:00 that afternoon- which is something I did not mean to do. I got up with my alarm that morning, but decided that I was just going to stay in bed all day and then fell back asleep.

Then there’s Sunday. Started out just fine, went over to my parents, spent the day with my mom and helped organize some things in the basement. Then dinner came around. I had to run home to get my Spouse-Like-Person, and when I walked in the door he said that we had to go get water for the fish tank. The store we get it from closes at 6:00 pm on Sunday and it was around 5:25 when I got home and dinner was supposed to be at 5:30. I was pissed. There was no reason why I had to go to the stupid store to get water with him. If he had better time management skills, he could have started cleaning the fish tank earlier in the day, had time to go get the water, and then we could have gone right back to my parents.

Dinner was bad. Not that it tasted bad, in fact it was delicious, but the “dinner discussion” was bad. Basically my dad ripped my SLP a new one. It’s the second time since I have been with my SLP that this has happened. The first time was after he finished mowing the lawn at my house and my SLP was mad that I didn’t defend him or take his side. I just stood there silent with tears streaming down my face. Same thing happened last night, my dad just basically went off and my SLP stood his ground a bit and fired back at my dad. I sat there stunned and again silent, but then started to cry. My SLP looked to me to say something and when I didn’t he got mad at me. I told him afterwards when we were at home that I agreed with my dad on a lot of those issues. Let’s face it. My SLP and I are not ready to take care of a house. We do not have the money and we are not able to do a lot of the work ourselves, so it going to cost even more to have the work done by someone else.

I asked my SLP on the way home last night if he wants to stay in the house. He said that he wants to make it our home. I’m not going to lie. That scares me a bit because I’m not sure that I want a future with my SLP.

I don’t even know what I want in life anymore. I’m not sure I want to have kids. I don’t know if I even want to be married or with someone for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. If I could figure out what I want out of life, it would help a lot. I am actually quite scared to move forward in life because the unknown is scary and I don’t know that I can handle whatever else life decides to throw my way.

Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.