Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I’ve been having mixed feelings lately and I am really ashamed to admit that I have recently thought about cheating on my person. I don’t even know how I would go about doing that? I don’t go out and hit on people, and dating sites and the like scare me because I wonder how truthful people are on those. Even the more adult ones. I don’t know. I just don’t. Does this make me a bad person that I’ve thought about doing something like that? I know I’m not the only one that had thought about it, even in my own relationship with my person. I know he’s thought about it- we’ve even talked about it. I’m just too scared to talk to him about it. I know I’m not perfect by any means, but for some reason, me admitting I’ve thought about something like this is weak. I should be able to control my thoughts better than I have been. I actually don’t know what’s worse; thinking about cheating, not being able to control those thoughts, or seeing both of those things as a weakness.

I will be completely honest, my person and I haven’t done anything with each other in a very long time, at least a year. I just think I’m broken. I feel broken. Sure, things work, but mentally, I don’t know that I work or even if there is a connection anymore. That is probably due to my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been on this medication for six months now. I feel amazing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy again, but I still feel that part of me is missing. My person has made comments about he can see the old me, before the depression hit hard, starting to come out and he misses the old me. That may be, but I don’t know that I want the old pre-depression me to come back. I feel like a new person and I need to move forward with my life, not go back to how things used to be because I know that it won’t ever be like that again.

People change, and that’s something that is always going to happen. You can’t stop change just like you can’t stop the sun from setting. I didn’t intend on changing from the pre-depressed me to the me I am today. It just happened over time. Is this new me a cheater? Probably not. If given the opportunity, I think I might take it, but then I’d get to wherever the deed would happen and not be able to walk in. It’s just not me to cheat on my person. As much as he drives me insane, as much as I actually hate him at times, and as much as I want to strangle him, I would never ever cheat on him. I’m too loyal and I don’t know if I could ever live with myself if I did. Besides, my person would probably be more disappointed that he didn’t get to watch or be part of it lol. I’m not sure if that’s something that would interest me. It’s just a strange thought to me.

So, regardless of how much I think about it some days, toady being a day that it’s on my mind a lot for some reason, I would not be able to go through with it. If I do cheat on him with anything, it would be fictional characters in books. Falling in and out of love with them.. that’s just a temporary emotional bond and not exactly physically cheating.

But now that I mention that, I guess I did lie in a sense. I’ve been cheating on him with fictional characters from books for our entire relationship. But it’s not that physical bond, more emotional. Even then though, it’s not like it’s lasted any longer than the book or anything else beyond the words on the pages, so I suppose that’s not really cheating. If it were, there would be a lot of cheaters in the world.

The entire cheating aspect is like a naughty fantasy, and that’s all it ever would be. A fantasy, and one that would never come to fruition in my life. I think those thoughts are going to be stored away in my memory warehouse in the file with other things like getting it on with an actor that I have absolutely no chance with, let alone even meeting him.

For other people, I do understand why they cheat. No physical contact between each other, no emotional bond, and some do it just because that’s how they are. I don’t know that I’m any of those even though there is no physical connection between my person and I lately and certainly no emotional bond from me towards him.

I just feel lost.

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What I’ve Learned on Twitter…

I couldn’t think of anything to write about this morning for here, so I busted out my trusty list of stuff to write about. The only one that seemed like a good idea was ‘Things I Learned on Twitter.’ So, what did I learn on Twitter you may ask? Well, first of all, people are fucking crazy and amazing.

In the world of ‘I want it now,’ Twitter is fantastic. You can follow all the major news outlets, local news, sports teams, celebrities, bands.. you name it and it’s probably there to follow. Getting the latest news and gossip are some of the major draws of Twitter.

For me though, my adventures on Twitter started out as following a band, Muse, and then it turned into a tweet-fest when they were at the Grammy Awards a few years ago now. I met some pretty wonderful people on there who I consider some of my closest friends. One who I was lucky enough met in real life- her and I always joke that we are twins born a year apart. These friendships I’ve formed with people who I never thought I would meet are some of the most important in my life. In high school, I realized something about all of the friends I had at the time. They were superficial. I went through a really hard time and nearly dropped out my senior year. Not one of my friends, even the person who I thought was my best friend didn’t even ask how I was. Granted, part of that was my fault because I didn’t want those people to know I was in the mental hospital for , I think ten or fourteen days- which I didn’t even need to be there and I think that messed me up more than anything. But yeah, I didn’t want people to know I was there, and so I pushed those people away. When I went back to school after that, some people asked and I just said that was out sick.

Even after the hospital, things went back to normal for a little bit, but then I became more and more withdrawn from the world and stopped talking to my friends. The thing that I find strange now that I’m looking back on my senior year, those people I considered friends didn’t seem to care that I essentially gave up and didn’t ask what was going on or even offered to help. So, how’s that for friends? Pretty shitty.

The whole point of that little back story is that on Twitter, people are willing to give help for anything. And they are people that I’ve never met and probably never will meet. The thing about Twitter that I like, is that it’s anonymous, and there are only a few people on there who know me in real life. When I first tweeted, I was rather fake because I didn’t know if I would continue to use Twitter. After a while though, I started showing the real me on there- political views, feelings and stuff like that. For me, Twitter was like a glorified chat room where you could only use 140 characters at a time to talk.

I guess this is going to be another shorter post. My brain is still in overdrive with my Batman thing I’ve been working on. But the whole point of this, what I’ve learned on Twitter is that while people are fucking crazy, they are pretty wonderful too if you are lucky enough to fall into a crowd of great people.

Just Some Observations

Last night as I was lying in bed, I had a thought. It was a strange thought, too. I was thinking about weight loss again, nothing new there really, but this thought struck me as kind of odd. Am I sabotaging myself when it comes to losing weight? I know what I can look like if I actually actively work at it. I’m not going to lie, I was hot. For those that know me, that is not something that I have ever said about myself, but I was looking at some older pictures of when I was in shape. Damnit, what the hell happened?! I suppose life happened, and depression. But back to my thought of sabotage.. Am I purposely not working at losing the weight because I don’t want to have people notice me? As far as I can remember, I have never liked being the center of attention. Maybe when I was little, I was outgoing and always wanted attention, but not since I was a teen. By the time I reached those years of my life, I wished I could just disappear into the walls and be invisible.

Even now, being larger I still get attention, however it is not attention that I want. At least back then, the attention was slightly more positive and wanted- whether I wanted it or not. I feel like having any attention on me is bad. I still wish I could just disappear into the walls. When I’m at work, I am really quiet and keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my co-workers, I’m just selective. I started my current job last October, and just three weeks ago, I ventured out and talked to the people I work with. I’m the type of person who observes those around me and then decides on who I want to talk to. I guess that may make me a snob, but I don’t want to talk to someone that is going to use what I tell them against me or go and tell the manager some juicy bit of information that has nothing to do with work or the work environment.

I’m kind of at a loss for words today, or at least right now, so I’m going to end this post here. If I think of anything else I’ll write it later.