Good Things Are Coming My Way

Time for a brief update on things going on in my life, I suppose. Well, for once things are starting to go really good. I own a house officially, or at least that’s what it says on the mortgage. With that new mortgage at a lower rate, we’ll also be getting a home equity line of credit so we can finally start those renovations that we’ve been putting off as well as wipe out all debt we have- which honestly isn’t much. And by the end of the year, I should be the proud owner of a new car.. but we’ll see how it works out.

Personally, I’ve been going to some doctors, last week and tomorrow I have an appointment. I’m finally getting my life back in order and finding out what I need to do to accomplish certain things. I’m actually scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I don’t know. Since my person had surgery a few years ago now for weight loss, gastric bypass, I would always tell him that he was cheating. To me, he really was cheating because I didn’t think he ever really tried hard enough on his own to lose the weight. For me, I’ve tried all sorts of things, even starving myself, but none of them seemed to work. All I managed was to maybe lose some weight, but then maintained my weight.

For me though, I feel like that if the only other option for me is surgery as well, that it would be cheating and a sign that I failed that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t like being a failure, but I think I fail at everything. I’m really messed up a lot of the time, but I’ve been getting better and I’m also slowly returning back to the self I was before the depression and anxiety hit hard. It’s been a long journey so far, and it will be a path that I have to travel the rest of my life. It’s not like I’ll wake up one morning and everything is gone and I’m magically all better. Do you know how many times I wished that would happen? Never does and never will unless I work at it- which I am.

It’s hard for me to know that I will be turning 30 next year. I thought turning 28 was hard, but wow, I really do not want to turn 30 next year. I think part of my problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought I’d have at least one child by now and one on the way, a nicer house and a husband that actually had a job and provided decent income. Doesn’t have to be a rich guy, just one that was a bit better at money handling and had a good job as well as not sleep all damn day.

Anyway, I will find out tomorrow what I need to do for this weight loss thing. Hopefully it’s all good news… but I’m still terrified.

Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I’ve been having mixed feelings lately and I am really ashamed to admit that I have recently thought about cheating on my person. I don’t even know how I would go about doing that? I don’t go out and hit on people, and dating sites and the like scare me because I wonder how truthful people are on those. Even the more adult ones. I don’t know. I just don’t. Does this make me a bad person that I’ve thought about doing something like that? I know I’m not the only one that had thought about it, even in my own relationship with my person. I know he’s thought about it- we’ve even talked about it. I’m just too scared to talk to him about it. I know I’m not perfect by any means, but for some reason, me admitting I’ve thought about something like this is weak. I should be able to control my thoughts better than I have been. I actually don’t know what’s worse; thinking about cheating, not being able to control those thoughts, or seeing both of those things as a weakness.

I will be completely honest, my person and I haven’t done anything with each other in a very long time, at least a year. I just think I’m broken. I feel broken. Sure, things work, but mentally, I don’t know that I work or even if there is a connection anymore. That is probably due to my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been on this medication for six months now. I feel amazing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy again, but I still feel that part of me is missing. My person has made comments about he can see the old me, before the depression hit hard, starting to come out and he misses the old me. That may be, but I don’t know that I want the old pre-depression me to come back. I feel like a new person and I need to move forward with my life, not go back to how things used to be because I know that it won’t ever be like that again.

People change, and that’s something that is always going to happen. You can’t stop change just like you can’t stop the sun from setting. I didn’t intend on changing from the pre-depressed me to the me I am today. It just happened over time. Is this new me a cheater? Probably not. If given the opportunity, I think I might take it, but then I’d get to wherever the deed would happen and not be able to walk in. It’s just not me to cheat on my person. As much as he drives me insane, as much as I actually hate him at times, and as much as I want to strangle him, I would never ever cheat on him. I’m too loyal and I don’t know if I could ever live with myself if I did. Besides, my person would probably be more disappointed that he didn’t get to watch or be part of it lol. I’m not sure if that’s something that would interest me. It’s just a strange thought to me.

So, regardless of how much I think about it some days, toady being a day that it’s on my mind a lot for some reason, I would not be able to go through with it. If I do cheat on him with anything, it would be fictional characters in books. Falling in and out of love with them.. that’s just a temporary emotional bond and not exactly physically cheating.

But now that I mention that, I guess I did lie in a sense. I’ve been cheating on him with fictional characters from books for our entire relationship. But it’s not that physical bond, more emotional. Even then though, it’s not like it’s lasted any longer than the book or anything else beyond the words on the pages, so I suppose that’s not really cheating. If it were, there would be a lot of cheaters in the world.

The entire cheating aspect is like a naughty fantasy, and that’s all it ever would be. A fantasy, and one that would never come to fruition in my life. I think those thoughts are going to be stored away in my memory warehouse in the file with other things like getting it on with an actor that I have absolutely no chance with, let alone even meeting him.

For other people, I do understand why they cheat. No physical contact between each other, no emotional bond, and some do it just because that’s how they are. I don’t know that I’m any of those even though there is no physical connection between my person and I lately and certainly no emotional bond from me towards him.

I just feel lost.

What I’ve Learned on Twitter…

I couldn’t think of anything to write about this morning for here, so I busted out my trusty list of stuff to write about. The only one that seemed like a good idea was ‘Things I Learned on Twitter.’ So, what did I learn on Twitter you may ask? Well, first of all, people are fucking crazy and amazing.

In the world of ‘I want it now,’ Twitter is fantastic. You can follow all the major news outlets, local news, sports teams, celebrities, bands.. you name it and it’s probably there to follow. Getting the latest news and gossip are some of the major draws of Twitter.

For me though, my adventures on Twitter started out as following a band, Muse, and then it turned into a tweet-fest when they were at the Grammy Awards a few years ago now. I met some pretty wonderful people on there who I consider some of my closest friends. One who I was lucky enough met in real life- her and I always joke that we are twins born a year apart. These friendships I’ve formed with people who I never thought I would meet are some of the most important in my life. In high school, I realized something about all of the friends I had at the time. They were superficial. I went through a really hard time and nearly dropped out my senior year. Not one of my friends, even the person who I thought was my best friend didn’t even ask how I was. Granted, part of that was my fault because I didn’t want those people to know I was in the mental hospital for , I think ten or fourteen days- which I didn’t even need to be there and I think that messed me up more than anything. But yeah, I didn’t want people to know I was there, and so I pushed those people away. When I went back to school after that, some people asked and I just said that was out sick.

Even after the hospital, things went back to normal for a little bit, but then I became more and more withdrawn from the world and stopped talking to my friends. The thing that I find strange now that I’m looking back on my senior year, those people I considered friends didn’t seem to care that I essentially gave up and didn’t ask what was going on or even offered to help. So, how’s that for friends? Pretty shitty.

The whole point of that little back story is that on Twitter, people are willing to give help for anything. And they are people that I’ve never met and probably never will meet. The thing about Twitter that I like, is that it’s anonymous, and there are only a few people on there who know me in real life. When I first tweeted, I was rather fake because I didn’t know if I would continue to use Twitter. After a while though, I started showing the real me on there- political views, feelings and stuff like that. For me, Twitter was like a glorified chat room where you could only use 140 characters at a time to talk.

I guess this is going to be another shorter post. My brain is still in overdrive with my Batman thing I’ve been working on. But the whole point of this, what I’ve learned on Twitter is that while people are fucking crazy, they are pretty wonderful too if you are lucky enough to fall into a crowd of great people.

Short and Sweet.. Like Me

Heyyy… I promise, I didn’t forget about posting on here. Just been a little preoccupied with some other things lately; tree damage in my yard from recent storms, got into beading again and got hit in the head by my creative writing muse. So I have been working on a bit of something Batman related. I’ve only shared it with two people, and I don’t know that I would ever share it with anyone else. I’m so not confident in my own writing skills. The things that I have share with people, they have told me it’s good and stuff, but I still feel as if it’s just really boring and the plot is something that’s been written about so many times that no one would want to read it because it’s boring. That’s something that I worry a bit about on here, but then I just take a step back and realize that no one really reads this blog like thing except maybe a few people, and those few people actually know me, so it’s just like I’m writing an email to them or something.

Other than the above, things are starting to look up for me. The last week in June, my person will be going to visit his parents for a week or a little longer so I will have the house to myself. EXCITING! I am starting to make some plans for that week. Nothing huge, but we have a small bathroom downstairs that I want to make over- wallpaper needs to come down and some fresh paint.

Another thing that has been exciting for me would be a few work related things. First being that I got to train the new person in the department. I lucked out though because I have previously worked with her and trained her before so I knew her style and how hard I could push. I still have my doubts that I did a bad job training, but I think that’s because I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. Apparently, I’m also going to be training another new person in July. We’ll see how that goes because I don’t know this person or her style of learning a new job so I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to be that one person people hate because I train like a drill sergeant or something.

The second and last thing for now that I’m excited about for work is that I think I’ve finally come up with a goal. To eventually be the manager of the department I’m in now. I think currently I’m on track, however I do need to get one of those fancy pieces of paper saying that I graduated from a business management course at a college level. I suppose that’s doable and I’m not as scared to go to college like I was the first time. Since I’ve been on my medication, my depression has nearly gone away now and I’ve become quite the social butterfly compared to how I was before. My anxiety has all dropped as well. Sure, I’m still going to be depressed and anxious about things, but it won’t be as bad as it was without this medication. I just feel much better and happier as well.

I think that’s going to be it for this post, short and sweet. I hope all of you that are this blog have a wonderful weekend and Father’s Day!

Just Some Observations

Last night as I was lying in bed, I had a thought. It was a strange thought, too. I was thinking about weight loss again, nothing new there really, but this thought struck me as kind of odd. Am I sabotaging myself when it comes to losing weight? I know what I can look like if I actually actively work at it. I’m not going to lie, I was hot. For those that know me, that is not something that I have ever said about myself, but I was looking at some older pictures of when I was in shape. Damnit, what the hell happened?! I suppose life happened, and depression. But back to my thought of sabotage.. Am I purposely not working at losing the weight because I don’t want to have people notice me? As far as I can remember, I have never liked being the center of attention. Maybe when I was little, I was outgoing and always wanted attention, but not since I was a teen. By the time I reached those years of my life, I wished I could just disappear into the walls and be invisible.

Even now, being larger I still get attention, however it is not attention that I want. At least back then, the attention was slightly more positive and wanted- whether I wanted it or not. I feel like having any attention on me is bad. I still wish I could just disappear into the walls. When I’m at work, I am really quiet and keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my co-workers, I’m just selective. I started my current job last October, and just three weeks ago, I ventured out and talked to the people I work with. I’m the type of person who observes those around me and then decides on who I want to talk to. I guess that may make me a snob, but I don’t want to talk to someone that is going to use what I tell them against me or go and tell the manager some juicy bit of information that has nothing to do with work or the work environment.

I’m kind of at a loss for words today, or at least right now, so I’m going to end this post here. If I think of anything else I’ll write it later.

Thoughts on Things and My Way of Coping

Lately I’ve been full of self-doubt. Doubt about my life. Doubt about my relationship. Doubt about choices I’ve made. I don’t even know where to begin really. I think I’ve always lacked a certain confidence that allowed me to be someone who wasn’t afraid to make a choice and then immediately regret it afterward.

To be really honest, I’m not even confident in writing on this blog thing.  I just feel so.. I don’t even know really down, blue, depressed, anxious, hurt, under appreciated, alienated, sad, angry, upset, fearful, abandoned and that I could just cry at any moment. I wish that I never got out of bed this morning; I was comfortable and content just being there in my bed. I want to be invisible and just walk by people and have those people not even realize I was there. I realize that doesn’t solve anything, but in my head it seems like the perfect solution to things. Sure it will be lonely, but at least if I were invisible, I could visit people and be more comfortable around them because they wouldn’t see me. Maybe if I were invisible, people wouldn’t see me fail.

I feel like a failure in life. I haven’t really achieved many of the goals I set for myself. Though I suppose that is probably my fault for setting goals so high that I could never achieve them. For example, this whole weight loss thing just sucks. Last night I was filling out some paper work for the weight management clinic for my medical provider and I got to a question being on a scale of one to ten, how ready are you to commit, one being not at all and ten being yes absolutely sign me up right now. I wanted to write in negative five bajillion and two. The next one was another one to ten question along the lines of how confident you are, and again, I wanted to write in a negative number. I have zero confidence that I can do this weight loss thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve put so much pressure on myself that I have set myself up for failure before I even begin. I am so afraid of this change that I will fail.  Also with being afraid, my already non-existent confidence level has flown out the window into the deepest part of space never to be seen again.

Something I’ve realized with my past attempts to lose weight only to inevitably fail is that when I would lose the weight I would gain it back plus some more. So, ultimately that makes me a failure because I couldn’t keep the weight off and ended up even more weight. For the last few years, my body has been carrying around at the highest weight, 328 pounds. That is something I am so not proud of.  When I got my driver’s license in 2001, I weighed 135 pounds. Granted I was sixteen years old at the time, and not done growing. Eventually, that is my ultimate goal, to actually weigh what is on my license. So I guess that means I have a rather high set goal, to lose around 185 pounds with my current weight, and ultimately I am pretty sure I will fail and just end up gaining more. I realize that’s not a very positive thing to start a project with.

Man, I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a while. I also have this thought some days where I think everyone I know would be better off without me in their lives. It’s not like I want to kill myself or anything, I just want to not exist in their lives. I just feel that I’m not important enough to be part of these people’s amazing lives. I just don’t feel worthy to even know them. I realize that is probably quite ridiculous, but it’s just how I feel some days. Don’t know why, but actually, I feel more unworthy more days than feeling like I am worthy of something. That’s a feeling that I am not familiar with because I have always felt this way as long as I can remember.

It also goes hand in hand with my near blatant refusal for help for things. For this, I will put some of the blame on my parents. When I was in school and wanted help with homework or something else and I would ask my mom or dad for help, they would just sort of half give it if any at all. My mom’s excuse was that she didn’t understand what I was learning- mostly math. Everything else I was fine with, but I nearly always had math homework and I always needed help. I’m not the best when it comes to that subject. In fact I out right detest it. I understand where her and my dad are both coming from. They didn’t really study some of the stuff I was doing in school when it came to math because the lessons, practices and other things have changed so much over time in general that my parents were learning it with me almost. My brother was the only person I could really go to about math because he was only few years ahead of me, so it was still sort of fresh in his head provided he didn’t forget it when he went off to college and took other math classes that had nothing to do with what I was learning at the time.

I don’t know, I’m just a mess emotionally. I was talking with someone who I consider as one of my absolute best friends, I don’t have many friends but the few I have, I would trust them with my life. Anyway, I was talking to her this morning about my ridiculousness as of late. I’ve been watching everything Batman I can on Netflix. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Batman is my all-time favorite super hero like person EVER! So yeah, anyway, any time I think of Batman I hear Kevin Conroy’s voice in my head.. honestly, what is not to love about his voice, best Batman/Bruce Wayne voice ever. Anyway, here I am swooning and getting side tracked over a voice.. what the hell is wrong with me. Thankfully the person I was talking with this morning doesn’t think I’m that weird lol.

The entire point of my dribble there was to get to the point that I think I’m weird for having an emotional attachment to a fictional character. I partially blame my constant watching of the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited and other Batman things lately that I’ve formed some sort of attachment to the character of Batman. I’m 28 years old, should be feeling more adult like and yet I still feel as if I’m just a kid. I watch far too many cartoons for someone of my age. I’m getting ahead of myself again.. that’s just another topic I wanted to touch on eventually. But back to my issue of Batman. I’ve been struggling with myself over this and it’s absolutely ridiculously stupid. I feel silly and pretty dumb about the attachment, but my friend said it’s not dumb. I love her to death, but I still feel dumb. I’m attached to a fictional character more than my Spouse-Like-Person who I have been with for over ten years. What does that say about my relationship with my SLP, or rather lack of relationship. My friend said that it sounds like an escape and I know that is exactly what it is. I tend to cycle with who or what I am currently attached to. A few months ago, it was Dominic Howard, the drummer from the band Muse. Before that it was something else and before that it was another thing. My friend said it’s like finding an idealized version of what I’m looking for in a partner and that it does not make me a weird person that I do that. She also said that she does it as well but in a more generalized way, like escaping into good books and getting attached to the world and characters. I told her that I feel bad because most of the time I get so absorbed in whatever I’m into at the moment, whether it be reading, cartoons, movies, whatever.. that I ignore nearly everything around me. I know a lot of the behavior is part of me coping with my depression and anxiety issues and probably also trying to find the right person for me.

After I said that, my friend asked if I have decided if my SLP is the right person or is it something I’m still working through. I said that I don’t know, but I think I know deep down what the answer is but I’m just avoiding it. I feel like if I tell my SLP what I’m really thinking and how I feel, the world around me will crumble down and just shatter into a million little pieces that will never be put together again. That is not something that I want to do. I just wish I could figure out what I even want from my life. I have no idea and it hurts. My friend went on to say that it is understandable if the answer if one that would be hard, both on the emotional end and the practical, navigating through life end.

As we were talking on the instant messenger our work has for communicating with those not in our immediate department, I sat at my desk nearly in tears. I just feel so lost and that I will never be found. My way of coping with that is dreaming, getting absorbed into fictional universes and realities created by authors and even in my own writings, as well as occasionally falling temporarily in love with a fictional character. If I had it my way, I would just stay locked away up in my room all day and night just reading, listening to music, and just loosing myself to my surroundings.

My friend, really quick side note- I’m just going to call her Mara and when she reads this she’ll probably laugh. At least this way I won’t use her real name and then I don’t have to keep typing out ‘my friend.’ So, Mara made a comment that I’ve been more social and out of the house lately and asked if that’s helping things at all. I told her that it helps a bit and yet at the same time sort of makes me depressed because I have been realizing what I have been missing by being locked away in the house and being anti-social for all those years. But that’s not anything that I would blame my SLP for. It’s all on my because of just not wanting to go out and do things because of how self conscious I am about myself that it always got in the way of doing things.

It just sucks though because everything cycles back around to depression and anxiety. I’ve been on my anti-whatever you want to call it since January. People have told me they have seen a difference in me and the way that I carry myself and present myself, and yet I don’t always see that change. It’s very hard for me to look in a mirror and take in what I see. To be honest, I try to avoid mirrors at all cost, but I still look in one every morning to put some make up on and to do something with my hair. I have a full length mirror in my bedroom that I very rarely look in to see if the outfit I’m wearing looks ok. Mostly because I don’t want to see a fat person staring back at me. I have always seen myself larger than I really am, and let’s face it, that is pretty fucked up and if I had wanted to, I could have gone anorexic or bulimic to get my body to look like what I saw at one time in my head. Now, I just want to lose to be healthy and to sort of match the image of myself in my head. These days though, the person I see in my head isn’t some skinny little bitch that is just skin and bones. Cause who in the hell likes kissing and touching fleshy bones. So not a turn on in my book. It just sucks though. Living in the world we do today, we are basically forced to see or read about models and celebrities who are thin and it’s the hot thing to be.

I just can’t even begin to put into words how damaging that is to young impressionable girls. I’m pretty sure I was one of those little girls that looked up to people wanting to be just like them. Have the hot body, the money, the sexy husband, a family, a nice house and cars and a great job. I have wanted these things for so long because they were what I saw on tv, in magazines and written about in novels and other books. I think I will be comparing my life to those standards I set for myself so long ago that I’m just setting myself up for failure because I will never be able to attain those things. So, back to the character of Batman and Bruce Wayne. He is a rich fellow, who is rather sexy, has the nice house and cars as well as his day job and night time activities as Batman- someone who strives to rid the streets of Gotham of the filth and bad people just so the citizens of Gotham have a safe and happy place to live with their families. What is not to love about that character?

Alright, I’ve been rambling long enough I think. However, I will end this post with part of a conversation I was having with Mara this morning..

Mara: I have an idea to blog about. Overpopulation, medical advances, and the duality between our animal selves and true selves/souls

Me: ok, so what is your animal self?

Mara: The part that’s impulsive even though you know you shouldn’t do something or it’s unsafe. The part that of those people who cheat because of attraction when they love someone else

Me: ooo…I thought you meant something like my animal self is a cat lol

Mara: ooo That would have been fun lol

Me: or a fish. I’d be a cat cause cats are awesome

Mara: Our animal selves reach a child bearing age when we are still ourselves children. As the brain develops behind the rest of the body this creates a duality, a struggle within and a struggle with the elders of a community to find a balance meant to protect all involved. Some of us cheat despite love for a significant other because our bodies are attracted to another. Our bodies easily become addicted to things, craving them, forcing our true selves to make compromises and behave in ways we disagree with to feed the need. That’s a sample of it. lol and yes, cat’s are awesome

Me: they lay around all day, they have attitude, no fucks to give, and do awesome things that are cute, hilarious, or slightly disturbing and most people think they are awesome

Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.