Not Even Sure What to Title This…

I guess it’s kind of been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here; I’ve been kind of busy. Between helping my parents with a massive five day garage sale (they are kind of crazy), singing at church and dealing with a grumpy Spouse-Like-Person… it has either been happy or irritating.

So, I will start with the garage sale. My parents have been purging their house since they had to empty out the kitchen to remodel it back in February. My mom has been calling it a pre-estate sale so my brother and I don’t have too much stuff to try and deal with for when they die. With my parents purging their house, I’ve been bringing some things home with me that I want to keep. My SLP is having major issues with that. Some of the stuff I’ve brought home is kind of silly and I think to myself, what in the world am I going to do with that. While other things I’ve brought home, I have an emotional attachment to that I am not quite ready to get rid of. Other things are useful to me, like a sewing machine that’s old, but a lot better than the one we have. But my SLP was the exact name and model number of the sewing machine I brought home to see what it is worth to sell. Umm.. nope. I’m not going to sell it. Not yet at least. Sure it’s an older machine and a pain in the ass to thread the bobbin, but it sews beautifully, and a lot better than the other one. My SLP thinks he knows everything about the other machine, not mine, because he read the manual that came with it. I don’t care, but every time I try to sew on it, the bobbin gets all mangled because he fucked with the tension settings and now no matter what fabric I’m sewing the bobbin gets messed up.

Because of the garage sale, I’ve been spending a lot of time over at my parents to help get ready for the sale, help write up things for Craigslist and show my mom how to put ads up as well as helping each night after work during the week and on the weekend as well. As I’m sure you can guess, my SLP had issues with me being gone so much and helping my parents more than I “help out around the house.” He’s upset because I didn’t call when I was going to be later than I planned. At least I get that one, worried something might have happened like a flat tire or I’m upside down in a ditch somewhere.

Next thing would be singing with a choir like group at church on Saturday night. He’s upset with me because I didn’t talk with him before committing myself to this. Ok, I honestly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, practice on Thursday night before the Saturday we sing. And! It’s only every other week. So really, not that big of a deal. He’s also upset because I volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does called LOGOS every Wednesday night during the school year. His line of thinking is that it’s for people with kids and old people. He has said it’s just weird that I’m helping because I have no kids. Fine, let it be weird, but at this point I’m not even sure that I will ever have kids, so this will have to do.

Speaking of church and singing, I’m not sure I like the director of the group I sing with. She’s kind of snotty and a little rude sometimes and even bossy. Though I suppose she has a right to be bossy, but not snotty. She’s also not too keen with some of the staff of the church. Not sure what her problem is, but there’s no reason to say bad things about them. However, I’m trying to convince her that Starlight by Muse would be a good song to do one Saturday night.

My SLP asked why I was doing the singing at church. Honestly, I thought that I would be playing piano, just the left hand (lower notes), and not singing. But I’m singing now, and that’s not too bad and I kind of actually like singing. I told him that I missed it. He asked what I missed. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I missed about it, but I didn’t want to say something that he would just end up using against me later on. I missed being part of something that’s fun. He figured as much and said that if I missed being part of something that there are other things that I can be a part of and not just stuff at my church. He also told me not to get too comfortable because I might have to switch churches because my SLP does not like my church due to its size. It is large physically, as well as large member wise. My SLP thinks that when we have kids (if ever now) that we should go to a neutral church that neither of us have been to nor been members of. The one he wants to go to is an ok one, and I wouldn’t mind it, except I really like my church and the people there and I’ve been a member there all my life and I don’t see myself changing churches. Does that make me a bad person? I really hope not. To be honest, I don’t even think that my SLP would even go to church if we were to ever have kids.

Out of all of this, I think he’s just more upset that I didn’t spend a lot of time with him this past week. But for him to tell me to not get too comfortable in my own church and the activities that I do there.

Another thing that I’m actually more upset about than I thought was yesterday I was able to talk to my sister-in-law about my nephew being baptized soon and who they were thinking for God Parents. As it turns out, she was thinking one person who absolutely adores my nephew. My brother was thinking about another couple who would actually be great God Parents. I’m just kind of upset that I wasn’t even in the running for it. I have a feeling it’s because of my SLP.

No one in my family really likes my SLP- they mostly think he is a lazy ass that doesn’t do much around the house and I’m the one that ends up doing it all. Most of the time they would be correct. He mostly sleeps all day, complains about money that I spend (that I earn by working a full time job by the way), constantly telling me that my eating habits are bad and that I should eat better (really? Like I don’t already know that), that I would make a bad parent because I only think of myself and wouldn’t take care of the kid and finally about how I do nothing around the house. I don’t do a lot around the house because a lot of the time I don’t care. I also feel that because I was the one that tried to keep the house clean so many times before he would even help or think about helping that it’s just not my turn to care anymore. I will give him this though, he has been cleaning at night when I’m sleeping, but it’s not clean clean like I want it to be. I’m still planning on doing some massive cleaning some weekend, but my cleaning is also going to be purging the house. I should have done that sooner and had stuff at the garage sale my parents just had, would have been perfect. Now, I’ll have to wait until the fall to see if I could maybe have some stuff at a garage sale one of my aunties will be having. I have decided that if I do have stuff at the next “family” garage sale, I’m not sharing whatever I end up making with my SLP.

My dad brought up the fact that it would probably be better if my SLP and I moved into a condo. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing a lawn, home repairs, a mortgage.. I don’t know. We thought about it after my SLP’s mother died, but for us to move out of the house would take a lot of work because there is just a lot of stuff. Not all of it is even savable, but it means something to my SLP so I can’t get rid of it he has to and unfortunately he probably won’t.

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m happy with the things that I’m doing like my job, volunteering and singing at church and they are things that I’ve missed greatly, but my SLP does not fully support me in these endeavors. He thinks they are just going to be passing fads I seem to cycle through like cross stitching, knitting, painting, drawing- that sort of stuff. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I just wish my SLP would me more than tell me that I can’t do things like this. Maybe I need to give my support in order to get his support. I can’t say that I’ve supported him recently in anything other than a surgery a while ago. I’m told that I’m not supportive to him, but I don’t know what I need to be supportive of. Am I supposed to support his choice to sleep nearly all day? No, because that’s not something that I want to support. Like I said, I don’t even know anymore.

I Don’t Even Know…

Oh my goodness, what a busy weekend! Spent nearly all of it at my parents so I am in parental overload right now and don’t particularly want to see them until this next weekend when I go to church. I need a week to decompress and catch up on sleep if at all possible. I almost did this morning and ended up being 20 minutes late to work. So not how I wanted to start the day, let alone the week. But, regardless of all of that, my weekend was wonderful and I got to spend a lot of time with my nephew. I think this last month is the most time I’ve spent with my nephew since he was born. I’m glad that he misses me when I’m not around him and asks about me. He is such a little ham and I love him a lot. Totally excited for his sibling to be born in September, he’s going to be a wonderful big brother.

Easter was good, my mom said she didn’t get me any Peeps, but one of my aunties surprised me with a small basket with some Peeps and some new nail polish colors along with some healthy snacks. I freaking loooooooooove Peeps. Besides blowing them up in the microwave on graham crackers to make s’mores, I poke holes in the packaging to let them get hard. That’s the best way to eat them.

Hey, Happy Opening Day for baseball! Go Brewers! The place I work decided to allow sports apparel to be worn along with tennis shoes and sneakers, though I have worn my Converse All Stars frequently in the past when I was in my old position. With the new one, I haven’t worn them as much yet. Anyway, I bought two new Brewers shirts the other week because I couldn’t decide what one I liked better so I got both. That’s the logical thing to do right? Lol.

Hrmm.. what else is new.. Not a whole lot actually. I did realize this weekend that I have the piano music to ‘Norwegian Wood’ by The Beatles memorized apparently.  I printed out a bunch of sheet music on Friday, probably abusing my printer privileges at work. Anyway, one of the ones I printed was ‘The Scientist’ by Coldplay and I trying to learn it while my nephew was over at my parents and he wanted to hear my play something else. I didn’t have the piano book that has Norwegian Wood in it with me, but I was able to play it anyway for my little man. He had like five seconds worth of interest in my playing and then ran off to do something else. I didn’t expect much less from a two and a half year old, but it’s still sweet he wanted me to play something. After he ran off, I played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for him and he started singing it in the other room.

After my nephew left, I helped my mom fill and hide about 120 plastic Easter eggs in the basement for the little kids of the family to find on Sunday. I didn’t think we’d find enough spots for them, but we did. Usually they would be hidden outside and it would be a free for all, but with the snow still on the ground, it was muddy and a little cold out.

I dunno, looks like I’m rambling again so I’ll stop that. I also realized that I may or may not have a crush on a co-worker.. which is annoying. I know I shouldn’t be “looking” or anything because of being with my SLP, but damn, my SLP drives me insane some days and I find myself wondering if I should leave him. I can’t ever decide though because I’m too wishy washy about it and comfortable where I am. I do know though, that if it gets to the point where I am not comfortable in the situation, I will be leaving. So I guess, I can still have crushes (are they even called that at my age?) on people and still be with my SLP. I’d never act on said crushes or cheat on my SLP. The horrible thing about this crush, is that he sits like diagonally across from me, so I see him every time I look up. It also doesn’t hurt that he has a nice voice to listen to. Man.. I’m doomed. But like I said before, I’m not looking to cheat or anything, but he’s just cute and nice and polite and is rather quiet. My SLP is not quiet, always talking while we watch tv shows, when we watch movies at home and sometimes at the theater. It’s like constant chatter from the moment I get home to when I go to bed. I talk to people all day on the phone at work. I don’t really wish to do a lot of talking when I get home. I think a lot of my SLP’s problem is, is that he’s home all day alone with two cats and some fish, so he doesn’t really socialize much. He doesn’t work, does a lot of sleeping during the day and does not do a whole lot around the house while I’m at work.

However, I was pleasantly surprised that he did actually clean the main level of the house. Only things left downstairs are scrubbing/mopping/washing the kitchen floor, I must say that I love my Swiffer Wet Jet. It is fabulous and even better it’s the red one. As for the upstairs, I said that I would clean that. It’s only the room that I occupy and the bathroom. So I may do that when I get home today. Might as well because then the house is relatively clean.

Oh, and before I end this post, I want to complain lol. I finally called the gym I have a membership at to see what I need to do to cancel the membership. Looks like I’m stuck because I signed a contract. Bastards. Even if it were medically necessary for me to cancel the member ship, the most they can do is just put the membership on hold for an extended period of time. The only options I have available to me are to put it on hold for up to three months without a doctor’s letter, or longer with the letter explaining why it needs to be put on hold. However, if the membership is put on hold, then the months are just tacked on to the end of the membership and I would still have to pay for them. The other option would be to sell my membership to someone and pay a one-time transfer fee. Not worth the headache since my membership ends next March. Since I’m stuck with it, I may as well just suck it up and go, but only at night and on the weekends when there is not a lot of people there. Damnit anxiety, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?

Just a Post to Ramble On…

I figure today is going to be a day that I complain. My SLP wants me to cancel my gym membership. I’m actually ok with that and ready to be done with the gym. I was just having a conversation with my friend, who also has a membership at the same gym, and she said that if she is already changed into workout clothes, she is able to just go in, get on a machine and go. She doesn’t notice the people around her. I told her that I can’t not notice the people when I walk into the gym, and then I see all of these fit people; it just makes me massively discouraged. I know that weight loss is a long journey and there are no overnight solutions for it.

 

One of the last times I went to the gym, some lady next to me on one of the bikes said, “You see all these fit people and that is what you strive for. The fit people see you and that’s what they work towards not becoming.” Oh yeah, that’s going to make a female with massive self-image issues feel oh so much better about herself. The thing about that lady that struck me as odd, is that she also said she uses that as motivation for herself, but she is a much larger lady than I am, or was at the time I last saw her.

 

I think if I had to describe myself, I would pick ‘husky’ from Gabriel Iglesias’s levels of fatness. If he used to describe himself as ‘fluffy’ then I would definitely be ‘husky’ on his scale.

 

 

Thanks to Pinterest, I’ve found a lot of daily workouts to try at home. So losing the gym membership really won’t hurt me in any way since I stopped going. I keep telling myself that next week is going to be the week I start exercising and working out again, then next week arrives and I just tell myself again that next week will be the week. But hopefully, this next week since it’s also the start of a new month I will start working out at home. I think it’s a good opportunity and I’ll have to set myself some goals to achieve as well.

 

Another thing I wanted to ramble about was that it is Easter weekend. Yay Easter! I think I’m more excited about helping my nephew color eggs tonight at my parents. He’s still a little too young to fully grasp the whole resurrection story, which is fine because I think he’s more excited about looking for eggs and getting an Easter basket from the ‘Easter Bunny.’ Eh, what can you do, the kid is going to turn three this year.

 

Also happening this weekend, two of my favorite television shows are airing new episodes, Game of Thrones and Doctor Who. I’m so excited those two are back! Until this year, I hadn’t really watched any GoT episodes, but my SLP and I would do mini marathons over the weekends and now we are both hooked. DW, we started watching when it was on the Sci-Fi channel a few years ago when it was rebooted with Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor.

 

And speaking of Doctor Who, I’m going to leave you with this…

Random Musings

For a while now, I have been dying to plan a ’30th Birthday Two Week Extravaganza Super Fun Time’ in England and Scotland. However, each time I bring the idea up to my spouse like person, he always shoots it down saying we don’t have the money. Then he usually goes on to say that he wants to travel around the United States because there is so much to see here before going international again. The last time I went international for more than a few hours a day while I was on a cruise recently, was in 2007 when we went to the Bahamas for a week. So for me, the appeal to go out of the US for a vacation for a week or more is very high. Though honestly.. I do also mention that I want to have a string of one night stands to get knocked up lol. It’s all in good humor though, we’ve got a plan in place to have kids when we’re ready and that’s something else I’ll probably end up talking about on here eventually.

Anyway, looking towards the future.. When I was in high school, ten years ago this year, I always thought my future would be going to college at UW-Whitewater or UW-Superior to something with a history major. That’s the one subject in school that I have always loved, and still do. Then after graduating from whatever university I ended up going to, I’d find a job, find a husband, settle down and start a family. Boy, my life after high school was nothing like that except maybe the settling down part. My spouse like person and I have been together since high school, so 11 or 12 years now.. depending on how you look at it or depending on who you ask. Anyway, I tried to go to a technical college so I could stay on my parents health insurance (had to take so many credits) and eventually ended up dropping out. I couldn’t handle the experience at the time and my anxiety was so out of whack from it that I would get sick to my stomach even thinking about it or driving by the campus location. So from there I held a few different jobs, mostly in retail until about five years ago. But anyway, enough about the past for now, I tend to ramble a lot.

My new job at the same company I’ve been at since the end of August, beginning of September in 2008 as a temp until this last October when I finally got hired on as a full time employee. With this new job opportunity, I got all the goodies that go with a permanent full time position like health and dental insurance, sick leave, paid time off and vacation. I even got a week of vacation for being a new hire. That vacation was used up already in February when I went on a cruise (it was a Carnival cruise lol and no nothing went horribly wrong during my cruise other than the cabin we were in was hot like the air wasn’t fully running) and it was nice to not have to work some seriously cracked out hours to make up for missing like I have in the past any time we decided to go on a short vacation. I’d start work at 5am and work like 12 hours days to make sure I got my 40 hours in for the week, even coming in on my days off just to make sure I was not behind on work and hours for the week. But with this new job, I’m able to take time off when needed for things and I’m able to plan vacations without much thought of making sure I have enough in my paycheck with the PTO (paid time off).

Another perk of being a FTE (full time employee) is that there are opportunities for raises. For me raises mean more than I can put away to savings and paying down debt- not that I have a lot of debt, I’d say it’s up to my knees instead of my eyeballs. It’s also an opportunity to put that money towards getting the house fixed up and ready for children of my own. The house I live in is old and has many things that need fixing. We have a rain gutter in the front of the house that was damaged by snow and ice a few winters ago. The windows on the house (about 45 windows.. seriously) and 16 of those windows are single pane glass on the front porch that is like a I guess four-season porch. The windows in the house that are able to be opened are the old fashion rope and pulley mechanisms and for quite a few of them, the ropes have snapped or the windows don’t stay open. A lot of the screens are missing as well. Outside of the house also needs repainting. Inside of the house needs repainting, some of the electrical outlets upgraded and just a bunch of other stuff that needs to be done for it to be ready for kids. I haven’t even had my nephew over.. Mostly because my house looks like a disaster cause I can’t seem to keep it clean for more than a few days. Also because of the basement because that’s like a nightmare. The smell of old basement and water when it rains and snow melts just makes the rest of the house smell too. My plan is one weekend where I’ll have some additional time off, probably Memorial Day weekend, I’m going to go ape shit on my house and just get it cleaned.

So yeah.. Looking forward to the future. I guess there are a lot of things that I am looking forward to now. Cleaning my house Memorial Day weekend, a new nephew or niece entering the world in September, playing the piano again at my church, planning and getting ready to start my own family. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m really truly looking forward to what the future brings and what fate is going to be throwing at my face to deal with.