Not Even Sure What to Title This…

I guess it’s kind of been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here; I’ve been kind of busy. Between helping my parents with a massive five day garage sale (they are kind of crazy), singing at church and dealing with a grumpy Spouse-Like-Person… it has either been happy or irritating.

So, I will start with the garage sale. My parents have been purging their house since they had to empty out the kitchen to remodel it back in February. My mom has been calling it a pre-estate sale so my brother and I don’t have too much stuff to try and deal with for when they die. With my parents purging their house, I’ve been bringing some things home with me that I want to keep. My SLP is having major issues with that. Some of the stuff I’ve brought home is kind of silly and I think to myself, what in the world am I going to do with that. While other things I’ve brought home, I have an emotional attachment to that I am not quite ready to get rid of. Other things are useful to me, like a sewing machine that’s old, but a lot better than the one we have. But my SLP was the exact name and model number of the sewing machine I brought home to see what it is worth to sell. Umm.. nope. I’m not going to sell it. Not yet at least. Sure it’s an older machine and a pain in the ass to thread the bobbin, but it sews beautifully, and a lot better than the other one. My SLP thinks he knows everything about the other machine, not mine, because he read the manual that came with it. I don’t care, but every time I try to sew on it, the bobbin gets all mangled because he fucked with the tension settings and now no matter what fabric I’m sewing the bobbin gets messed up.

Because of the garage sale, I’ve been spending a lot of time over at my parents to help get ready for the sale, help write up things for Craigslist and show my mom how to put ads up as well as helping each night after work during the week and on the weekend as well. As I’m sure you can guess, my SLP had issues with me being gone so much and helping my parents more than I “help out around the house.” He’s upset because I didn’t call when I was going to be later than I planned. At least I get that one, worried something might have happened like a flat tire or I’m upside down in a ditch somewhere.

Next thing would be singing with a choir like group at church on Saturday night. He’s upset with me because I didn’t talk with him before committing myself to this. Ok, I honestly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, practice on Thursday night before the Saturday we sing. And! It’s only every other week. So really, not that big of a deal. He’s also upset because I volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does called LOGOS every Wednesday night during the school year. His line of thinking is that it’s for people with kids and old people. He has said it’s just weird that I’m helping because I have no kids. Fine, let it be weird, but at this point I’m not even sure that I will ever have kids, so this will have to do.

Speaking of church and singing, I’m not sure I like the director of the group I sing with. She’s kind of snotty and a little rude sometimes and even bossy. Though I suppose she has a right to be bossy, but not snotty. She’s also not too keen with some of the staff of the church. Not sure what her problem is, but there’s no reason to say bad things about them. However, I’m trying to convince her that Starlight by Muse would be a good song to do one Saturday night.

My SLP asked why I was doing the singing at church. Honestly, I thought that I would be playing piano, just the left hand (lower notes), and not singing. But I’m singing now, and that’s not too bad and I kind of actually like singing. I told him that I missed it. He asked what I missed. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I missed about it, but I didn’t want to say something that he would just end up using against me later on. I missed being part of something that’s fun. He figured as much and said that if I missed being part of something that there are other things that I can be a part of and not just stuff at my church. He also told me not to get too comfortable because I might have to switch churches because my SLP does not like my church due to its size. It is large physically, as well as large member wise. My SLP thinks that when we have kids (if ever now) that we should go to a neutral church that neither of us have been to nor been members of. The one he wants to go to is an ok one, and I wouldn’t mind it, except I really like my church and the people there and I’ve been a member there all my life and I don’t see myself changing churches. Does that make me a bad person? I really hope not. To be honest, I don’t even think that my SLP would even go to church if we were to ever have kids.

Out of all of this, I think he’s just more upset that I didn’t spend a lot of time with him this past week. But for him to tell me to not get too comfortable in my own church and the activities that I do there.

Another thing that I’m actually more upset about than I thought was yesterday I was able to talk to my sister-in-law about my nephew being baptized soon and who they were thinking for God Parents. As it turns out, she was thinking one person who absolutely adores my nephew. My brother was thinking about another couple who would actually be great God Parents. I’m just kind of upset that I wasn’t even in the running for it. I have a feeling it’s because of my SLP.

No one in my family really likes my SLP- they mostly think he is a lazy ass that doesn’t do much around the house and I’m the one that ends up doing it all. Most of the time they would be correct. He mostly sleeps all day, complains about money that I spend (that I earn by working a full time job by the way), constantly telling me that my eating habits are bad and that I should eat better (really? Like I don’t already know that), that I would make a bad parent because I only think of myself and wouldn’t take care of the kid and finally about how I do nothing around the house. I don’t do a lot around the house because a lot of the time I don’t care. I also feel that because I was the one that tried to keep the house clean so many times before he would even help or think about helping that it’s just not my turn to care anymore. I will give him this though, he has been cleaning at night when I’m sleeping, but it’s not clean clean like I want it to be. I’m still planning on doing some massive cleaning some weekend, but my cleaning is also going to be purging the house. I should have done that sooner and had stuff at the garage sale my parents just had, would have been perfect. Now, I’ll have to wait until the fall to see if I could maybe have some stuff at a garage sale one of my aunties will be having. I have decided that if I do have stuff at the next “family” garage sale, I’m not sharing whatever I end up making with my SLP.

My dad brought up the fact that it would probably be better if my SLP and I moved into a condo. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing a lawn, home repairs, a mortgage.. I don’t know. We thought about it after my SLP’s mother died, but for us to move out of the house would take a lot of work because there is just a lot of stuff. Not all of it is even savable, but it means something to my SLP so I can’t get rid of it he has to and unfortunately he probably won’t.

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m happy with the things that I’m doing like my job, volunteering and singing at church and they are things that I’ve missed greatly, but my SLP does not fully support me in these endeavors. He thinks they are just going to be passing fads I seem to cycle through like cross stitching, knitting, painting, drawing- that sort of stuff. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I just wish my SLP would me more than tell me that I can’t do things like this. Maybe I need to give my support in order to get his support. I can’t say that I’ve supported him recently in anything other than a surgery a while ago. I’m told that I’m not supportive to him, but I don’t know what I need to be supportive of. Am I supposed to support his choice to sleep nearly all day? No, because that’s not something that I want to support. Like I said, I don’t even know anymore.

Being Sick and Dreams

Let me tell you, dreams while running a fever are rather interesting. I don’t know that they are stranger than my normal dreams. Yesterday, I was home sick, puking my guts out when I woke up, and again later in the afternoon/early evening. My dreams while I was sleeping were focusing around things that were hot, like I fell asleep on a frying pan next to a grilled cheese that was being made. In another dream, I was walking around in a desert wearing all black clothing with a winter coat and snow boots on, then I stumbled upon an oasis, stripped down to my birthday suit and jumped into the water. It started out as relaxing in cool water, but then it turned into a boiling pot with macaroni noodles in it. Apparently I was hungry for something with cheese. But considering I couldn’t even keep saltine crackers and water down, any food was out of the question.

Somehow, I managed to get nearly 20 hours of sleep. I do feel a bit more rested, but I wish I could have slept a little longer, or maybe even taken another day off work. That would have been fabulous. Though I honestly really truly hate calling in. I always end up feeling worse calling in than how I feel when I am sick. Not awesome.

This is probably only the second time I remember throwing up while being sick since I was a little kid- so 20 years or so. Other times I have thrown up were alcohol induced, so those don’t count.

Anyway, speaking of dreams, I’ve had some lately where I wake up and forget most of what I’ve dreamt about. That’s a shame really because the bits and pieces that I remember are pretty awesome. So, the rest of this post is going to be about those dream bits that I can remember.

Dream 1: I was in Russia walking along a bridge and was covered and had like little shops and stores. I remember walking out of one of the shops and bumping into this tall lady who was dressed all in black. She had a hooded cloak on that was pulled just far enough over her face that it was casting a shadow so you couldn’t see her facial features except her eyes that were glowing blue. I told her I was sorry about bumping into her, and she just looked at me confused. I told her to hold on a moment, got out my phone and opened up the Google translate app and used that to tell her that I was sorry in Russian. She looked at me again, even more confused and then said, “I understand that you are sorry young one, I just don’t understand what you are sorry about.”

I was shocked that she didn’t understand I was apologizing for bumping in to her. I explained that to her and she replied that she was unfamiliar with the actions of the locals. I told her that I was not from Russia and that I was on vacation. She looked happy then, asking if I was from Pandoleenaka. I told her no, I was from Wisconsin.

Dream 2: I was at a house that was occupied by my aunt and she was having a family get together. I remember trying to get ready for it and I had some hot rollers in my hair to make it curly. I went to take one of the rollers out of my hair, and as I started to unroll it, just came out with my hair still attached to it but it was melted to the roller. I freaked out and took the rest of the hot rollers out and was lucky that none of the other rollers melted my hair. Later on in that dream, I was at my parent’s house helping out with a garage sale they were having and they asked what I wanted for dinner so I said stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. They ordered it and I ate it. Then later again still at my parents after the garage sale was done for the day, I took off running in the back yard like I was getting ready to do the triple jump from track and field, but instead of landing in a pit of sand, huge angel wings sprouted from my back and I took off flying in the air. I was flying as high as the wings could take me and then diving to just barely above the ground before flying up again.

 

Possible Avoidance, Doctors and Things To Do

So, it’s not like I’ve been avoiding posting anything on here, I’ve just been a little depressed lately. Bad things are happening all over the place. Bombings, ricin, bullies, and just the general people being idiots too. The weather in my area is so not helping either. Rainy, chilly, drab and dreary looking, just most unpleasant.

My Spouse-Like-Person and I have been doing a marathon of Once Upon a Time. We stopped watching after the first season to let the episodes build up because we don’t really like suspense, lol. So this past Sunday, we’ve been watching the episodes we have in the DVR. Where in the hell do they dig up these hot, sexy looking actors? Man. Not just the guys, the ladies too, are quite beautiful. I’m not really a fan of a man wearing eyeliner, but the guy that plays Captain Killian “Hook” Jones pulls it off and is … just wow. Colin O’Donoghue. Yep. Google him. Now.

Besides that, it got me thinking to do a post about what I like to do in my down time, or at least when I’m not doing something online or on the computer. I love to read. Probably one of the things that I like doing the most, but I’m really picky when it comes to books. I also like watch tv and movies as well listen to music.

I seem to go in waves of other things that I like to waste my time on. Right now it is jig saw puzzles. Not sure why, but I like putting together puzzles. This past winter, I really got into cross stitching. I started stitching ornaments for the Christmas tree. My goal is to have enough to be the only ornaments on the tree, and still have it look full. So far, I’ve got maybe 10 done? Not sure. I started with the intent to have the ornaments be things from Super Mario, like the 1-Up mushroom, fire flower, piranha plant, Yoshi’s egg, the magic flute and stuff like that. However, I’m starting to think that with the things I have picked out that I want to stitch, that won’t be enough to cover the tree so I’m going to start looking for patterns for other video game characters, power ups and other objects that are easily recognizable.

Other things I like to do are draw, even though I’m really bad at it. Every now and then, I’ll actually draw something that is pretty spectacular or really good at least. I also love to bake cookies, cakes, cupcakes and other tasty desserts. Playing the piano is fun too and writing in general.

As for computer related things that I like to do are read fan fiction, but again, I’m really pick when it comes to that. I also like sim games like Roller Coaster Tycoon and Zoo Tycoon. I think my all-time favorite games for the computer are Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. In addition to games on the computer, I also love video games.

In addition to the above, I like to make cards with my mom. She’s got a super awesome basement that is like a scrapbooking heaven. I also like to sleep in, but I can’t seem to do that lately.

Now for something a little different.. My SLP and I have been on pretty good terms lately, there is still a lot of stress and things between us. He still won’t stop talking during tv shows, making the marathon of Once Upon a Time a little annoying. We recently played kitty rescuers. I wanted to keep one, but he said no. It was even the colors that I want in a cat. However, last year and the year before I was the one saying no to a new kitten in the house. But now that I’ve seen kittens again and been around them again, I want another one.

Something even more different, I think I need to go to the doctor. I’ve had this breathing thing for a while now. I don’t even know what to call it really. I go through I guess waves of a few days where I feel like I can’t get a deep enough breath. I’m not choking or anything like that; it just feels like I’m not getting enough air in to fully expand my diaphragm so I’m constantly yawning. I also think that I may have that sleep apnea thing too. I snore on my back, I snore on my stomach and I snore on my side. Never used to be a horrible snorer, but since I’ve gained weight, the snoring has gotten worse. Never really would snore on my stomach or side unless I was sick and stuffed up. I also just feel constantly tired and run down, like I just don’t get enough sleep even though I try to nearly always get at least seven hours of sleep. My parents keep hounding me to set up an appointment and I keep telling them that I’m working on it, but I’m scared to go. I don’t want to find out that something is massively wrong with me or be told that I have to lose weight.

Look, I already know that. I fight with my weight issues every day and it makes me sad that I even let myself get this way in the first place. But depression sucks ass. There are only so many things that can be said to lose weight and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard them all and tried a lot of things. I refuse to be bulimic because the thought of vomiting after eat is just terrible and I cry every time I vomit. So it’s just not an option. Even if it were a healthy option, I still wouldn’t do it. Anorexia, I’ve sort of been that before. It wasn’t really serious or anything, but I would eat, but hardly anything at all. I’ve thought about doing that again, but I’ve come to realize that I like food too much. Especially bread. I love bread, crackers, pasta, ugh, and it goes straight to my ass and thighs every time.

Anyway, yeah. I’m just scared to go. That’s it. I know I’m going to be told that I need to get rid of some weight. I’ll have joint issues later on in life or sooner from carrying so much weight around on my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I get it.

So I guess, that’s another thing I do in my down time is think about shit like this and worry about it. Not awesome. But I’m trying to be better about it. Promise.

Cheating a Bit

So I’ve decided to cheat a bit here. I do apologize for not getting the dream posted yesterday, but I’m posting it now. As a post on this page, as well as it’s own page like the other dreams I have typed up. Links to those dreams are corralled on the Dreams page here.

So, here’s my dream…

The dream started out where I was at some sort of place of business, may have been where I work, but I’m not really sure. I had to attend a meeting, so when I got to the conference room, there were people I knew already seated around the table. My third grade teacher, a past minister from my church, my SLP, my SLP’s mom that died, and some other people. The past minster was talking about something, and my SLP kept interrupting him so I told my SLP to stop talking. SLP stopped only for a little bit, but then started talking again. So I told him to shut up and listen to what was being said as it was important. The next person started talking and SLP started talking again over the next person. I finally told my SLP to shut the fuck up and listen to what was being said. He finally did.

There was a break in the meeting, so I wandered off to get something to drink. After I returned from getting a drink, the meeting was about to continue so I sat back down in my seat again. After the minister started talking again, my SLP started talking again, trying to add a few details here and there about whatever it was being discussed. I finally had enough and just got up, looked at SLP and told him that he is a disrespecting ass hole for constantly talking over other people. Then I left the conference room. I could hear my SLP ask what he did wrong as I was standing outside the door to the conference room where they could not see me. Then his mom started talking and told him everything he did wrong and what he needs to do to fix it.

The rest I didn’t hear because I left the building I was in, and suddenly I was in a different dream or something. It was night out and the city I was in was under lock down. I remember feeling terrified looking around and seeing all the lights off in the city and the streets were empty. Suddenly someone came running up to me and frantically said they were looking for me everywhere and that we needed to get inside as soon as possible. I had no idea what was going on, and I told this person that. She looked at me like I was nuts and said that they lock the city down every night because of bad things that happen while we sleep. I asked her what sort of stuff and she just looked horrified that I didn’t know. Instead of telling me what happens, she took me up to the roof of one of the buildings in the city. Once there, she pointed out something big on the horizon that was walking towards the eastern edge of the city.

Seeing the huge monster, or whatever it was, brought all these memories back. They weren’t my memories though because I knew I was just in a conference room pissed off at my SLP for not shutting his trap. I was more confused than anything. Finally the person I was with, I knew her name now, told me to follow her to the staging area. We get there and she hands me this plug suit, like the ones they wear in Neon Genesis Evangelion, and tells me to put it on. I put the suit on and follow her to another room where we get in this capsule that will take us underwater and away from the city.

Instead, we crawl through this opening and we’re back out in the city but now it’s during the day and there are people out and about minding their own business. I looked down, and I was in normal clothes and the plug suit apparently disappeared or had some sort of thing where it changed depending on your surroundings. We walked into a store to buy some flowers and the lady at the counter gave us a weird look. We got the flowers and left. We went to another store to get a shirt. While we were waiting for the lady at the counter to assist us, she looked at me and said that she still supports my father. I had no idea what she was talking about and she saw the confused look on my face. Then she put her hands on each side of my head above my ears and shared her memories with me about what happened to my father.

There was a loud noise outside and she looked up, her face paled and she said to get behind the counter. After my friend and I behind the counter, two guys enter her shirt shop and talk to her about my friend and I, demanding to know where we went. They said they had information that we were in there. The lady motioned for us to crawl through a hidden door at the end of the counter, so we did just before the two men walked around the counter to see for themselves that we were not in her store.

Once we were through the hidden door, we were standing in a kitchen to a house. Again, I was confused, but the kitchen seemed familiar to me. With these new memories of my father, I realized it was the kitchen of his house. I turned to my friend and asked what the hell was going on. I told her one minute, I’m sitting in a conference room with people I know are in my life, I walk out of the conference room and building to be submerged into the night of some city that’s in lock down I don’t know and taken to some room and told to put on some skin tight suit only to be back in my normal clothes a few minutes later. Then I’m given memories of my father, who is actually my father, but these are memories I’ve never had of him before doing things that I know he would never do. My friend had no answers for me and just sat there dumbfounded that I would even question what was even happening.

I left her standing in the kitchen and walked to the living room where there were a bunch of different people sitting around on the couch, chairs and even extra chairs brought in from the kitchen. Each group of people had colored shirts on. One group was pink, another was green, there was also red, blue, orange and brown. All the shades were drawn down, doors and windows were locked tight and cloth stuffed in the cracks of doors that lead outside as well as the windows. I sat down on the couch with the people in brown shirts. Everyone was so intently watching the news channel that was showing what was happening outside. There were riots in the streets, people torching cars and buildings. I asked what the hell was going on as I still had not gotten a clear answer. I started to feel sad as I watched the tv, it was like war had come to the city I was in and there was nothing that I or anyone else could do to stop it. No one seemed to know why it was even happening either.

As I tears started to stream down my face, my father walked into the kitchen from the passageway from the shirt shop.  People started cheering when my father walked into, but when he saw me sitting on the couch; he stopped dead and started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he thought I was taken or worse, killed. I asked him hoping he would explain why this war was happening. He calmed down enough to tell me what was going on. He explained that this war was started because of me. I asked why it was started because of me. I told him that I wasn’t important enough to start a war over. He said, yes and that to him, I was the most important person in the world. When I was taken by some group of people, he did everything he could to get me back. Then when the bad guys started taking other daughters from other families, those fathers joined my dad in the fight to get their daughters back. I asked him how it escalated to riots and torching buildings and such. My father said that was the bad guys who were doing that. They figured out that the fathers were able to sneak into their base and get their daughters back, but when my father snuck in, I was already gone.

Even though I wasn’t being held captive, he still helped the other men get their daughters back. Some of the other fathers weren’t so lucky and saw what the bad guys were doing to their daughters. The selected few were being used as breeding stock to have different genetics in their lines. My father feared the worst and thought I was chosen to be a breeder. I told him I was, but I snuck away before they could take me. I told him what happened to me and even though I didn’t do what I said I did, I still have memories that I did that.

So, with me being safe and not harmed by the bad guys, my father started making plans to get me and some of the other fathers and daughters out of the city. The plan was, I would hide in a fifth wheel RV along with two other people that would apparently be my protectors. I had to hide in the top bunk bed they had in there. My father would be driving the truck pulling the RV and his best friend would be with him in the cab. The time came to smuggle me out to the RV, so they rolled me up in a roll of carpeting that was to be installed in the RV and carried me out. I thought the plan was just ridiculous, I mean come on, how suspicious would that look.. During the night, the fighting was almost non-existent so it was easy to sneak me out to the RV. Once inside, they unrolled me and I climbed up to the top bunk. The two protectors, both wearing pink shirts took their places, one at the door and the other at the window by the beds. My father backed the truck up and his buddy got out and hooked the RV up to the hitch on the truck. After it was secured, we left.

At some point during the night, there was a loud bang on the roof of the RV and I felt the unit swerve. I tried to ask what was going on, but I didn’t get an answer, I was only told to be quiet. When the sun came up the next day, I peeked out from under the covers of the bed and saw there was a huge hole in the roof and one of the protectors was gone. I radioed to the cab of the truck to talk to my father, and was told he was napping after driving all night. His buddy told me to hang tight while we cross the state line. I asked what was so important about crossing the state line and he said that the bad guys have no power over the other states, but people crossing had to prove that they had no daughters with them. I asked how we were supposed to prove that I was not a daughter and my father’s buddy didn’t have an answer quite yet and it would be a while before we had to cross the state line.

My father woke up a bit later as the truck pulled over to the side of the road so they could assess the damage of the hole in the roof. My father took me aside and told me that I would need to cut my hair short to look like a boy. I was not thrilled about it, but said that if it would help keep me alive, I would do whatever I had to do. I sat down as the other protector got out a scissors and began cutting my hair. I was also given an Ace bandage by the protector and was told to bind my chest to make it look like I had no breasts. I was ok with that more than I was getting my hair cut. No idea why. After the haircut and chest binding, I changed my clothes to appear more boyish, and with the group’s approval, we continued on to the state line. Since I looked like a boy now, I didn’t have to hide in the bunk bed and was able to carefully move about the pull behind RV.

At this point, I’m going to assume we made it across the state line without issue and everything turned out for the good. But since I woke up at this point, I don’t know for sure what happened because I never got to dream it. Like usual with my dreams, I have no idea why I dreamed what I did, but it was fun dreaming it at the time and sometimes a little terrifying.

One Thing I Wish I’d Known Better

Man, one thing I wish I’d known better… There are so many to pick from really. I guess the biggest one and the one I still struggle with is money management. It’s not something that comes easy to me, though I like to think I can handle my income. I make enough that I could live on my own, probably without a tv- provided I have a tablet or computer to watch stuff on, so I’d need to have an internet provider and of course a mobile phone. Also would need a car so I can get to and from work and other places I may need to go. However, my current living situation should be saving me money but it’s not. My SLP does not have a job, but still receives money so he has some sort of an income, but the income I earn from working is the primary flow of money.

I know I can keep a check book balanced if I had to, but in the past I had trouble even doing that and went under a few times. Once bad enough I had to be bailed out. Was spending, but didn’t have the money. That was a lesson learned and it’s been quite a while since my bank account went under for anything. My issue is, I know how to do it, I just don’t want to do it. So my SLP has taken over my account and he manages all the money. Making weekly budgets, deciding what to spend on groceries and house hold supplies each week if we need to get something like toilet paper. Also makes sure all the bills are paid on time. We don’t have that many of them, but there are enough that still makes my paycheck stretched tight each time I’m paid.

I just wish that we had put a large chunk of money we received due to someone dying a few years ago to better use. I’m told that it’s my fault a lot of it was used up because I didn’t have a job for what my SLP says was two years. That’s actually false, as it was only at most one year. My SLP is the one that hasn’t had a job since high school, and that’s 13 years ago this year since his last job. I have been working steadily since the end of August, beginning of September of 2008 at the current company I’m at now, only thing was I was a temp until this past October when I was finally hired on in a full time position with fabulous benefits.

I get it, losing a parent is hard and it puts you in a funk for a while, but during that funk, I was the one that got the house cleaned and had people over that I trusted to help me clean. My SLP was the one that stayed in bed, stewing because people I trusted were over helping get the house cleaned up and just not so cluttered anymore. It’s not like it was dirty and grimy, just stuff that needed going through and things that needed to be put away. Since then, it’s been easier to get the house clean, but there are still things that take a bit to get done. I think eventually I’d like to get a cleaning schedule set for the house that makes it easier to clean instead of running around like crazy 10 minutes before someone comes over. It’s kind of hard to get basement stink out of the air in 10 minutes. Only thing really is to make fresh bread, and even that takes more than 10 minutes to mix, let sit to rise, then shape the dough, let is rise again and then finally bakes nearly two hours later.

Another thing I wish I’d known better was that even in their crazy way, my parents just wanted what was best for me. If it meant a ridiculous list of rules that I had to follow, then I guess I would have gone along with it. Instead, I rebelled, moved out and stopped going to school. Guess that’s not exactly what they wanted for me, but it’s what they got. I didn’t care if it hurt them, because they hurt me with the stupid rules. It didn’t help that I was clinically depressed and during the beginning of the school year, I was at a psychologist, and my mom was seeing a different psychologist in the next room over. My mom’s psychologist was also a family therapist, and my whole immediate family has gone to appointments with the family therapist as well as just my parents and myself seeing her. Well one day when my mom and I had appointments, and for the last part of it, my psychologist and I went into the office next to her office to meet with my mom and the family therapist. Apparently, they somehow decided that I was going to be hospitalized because I was zoning out and not wanting to pay attention to what they were talking about. I was livid that I was being stuck in a mental hospital when there wasn’t anything seriously enough wrong with me to have to go. In addition to being livid, I felt sad and even more than feeling sad, I felt abandoned. So after a few weeks after the new school year started, I had to be pulled from school for nearly two weeks to be monitored at the hospital. I was not a suicide risk, or even a risk to myself or others. So to this day, I’m still kind of baffled as to why I was even put in the hospital. My only guess would be is that my parents thought they were doing what was right at the time. Didn’t help that my psychologist, who I thought was on my side, even agreed with the family therapist and my mom that I needed the help the hospital could provide. Maybe that’s something I’ll have to ask my mom about. It’s not something that I like talking about much because I truly don’t understand why I went. Maybe my parents thought that it was something that was really going to help me.

Ugh, that’s enough of that, lol. Talking about that is making me all depressed and reminding me of how I pretty much threw my life away after getting out of the hospital because I thought it was the end of the world I was even there. I guess that really doesn’t have much to do with something I wish I’d known better. Anyway, I’m typing up a dream I had the other night so I think some time later today I’ll get that posted.

 

Well, That’s Annoying…

I’ve realized a few things that are annoying- well there is a lot, but I’ll just mention a few. First being, I do not like certain actresses, but really enjoyed movies they were in. For example, The Avengers, I’m not a fan of Scarlett Johansson, but she does kick some serious ass as Black Widow, still don’t like her though. Another example would be Kristen Stewart.. not a fan. However, I did enjoy Snow White and the Huntsman last night when I saw it but not because of her. Speaking of Kristen Stewart, there is only one movie that I have ever considered walking out of the theater and that was Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1. Honestly, how sodding boring is that? She’s just sitting there getting the life sucked out of her by her kid that really should not have even be born- considering Edward is technically dead, therefor should not have any living sperm. Just saying, lol. But still, that movie was so boring; I considered breaking the rule of having my phone out to do something other than watch that crap on the screen. I suppose I could have taken a nap too. Generally I have enjoyed nearly all the movies I’ve seen.

Another thing that I find rather annoying, is that a few posts ago, I mentioned my current dislike for the band Hanson. Well, I got bored the other night and was on SoundCloud listening to some music on there and came across a new song of theirs. Yeah.. I liked it enough to want to listen to some of their other new stuff. It’s not bad, and somehow it’s what I expected of them. I don’t know why I expected something like that from them, but maybe the way their music has progressed through the years, it’s what they’ve decided is their sound. As much as I like some of their new songs, it’s not enough to make me like them as much as I used to. There’s still a lot of personal history connected to their older songs that I can’t really listen to them without those past memories coming back and that is something I want to avoid. I’ve already dealt with it, and it’s the past. Maybe someday I’ll be able to talk about it, but now is not the time or place. Speaking of Hanson, since I liked them before it was cool to like them back in the day, does that make me a hipster? Man I hope not, because I am so not hipster material.

Hrmm.. What else is annoying to me? Well a lot of things actually, so I don’t really know what else to mention here. The rest are going to be more along the lines of complaints but still things that are annoying to me. But anyway, maybe something from work I suppose. In the job that I hold, I get between 300 and 400 phone calls a day and I’ve estimated that I probably speak to twice as many people on the phone. One of the things that tends to annoy me the most besides asshole attorneys calling about claims status are people calling in saying “I just got a call from this number.” Really? Wow. Good job at listening to your voicemail before calling in. Most of the time it’s for a claim, but I still have to ask if it’s for a quote or a claim. Since it’s a claim, then I have to ask for a claim number. Most of the time people don’t have that with them because it’s “at home with all the other papers for the claim.” If I had to guess, I’d say about 65-75% of the calls are for claims. Kind of annoying that people don’t know how to use the automated system to get to the claims area, but if they did, I may not have a job. So I suppose it’s one of those annoying blessings.

Something else that annoys me greatly is people talking with stuff in their mouth. First of all, it’s disgusting to see people talking with food in their mouth. Secondly, it’s hard to understand what they are saying. How hard is it to wait a few extra seconds to finish chewing the food before talking, was something really that important that it had to be said that particular moment? Ugh. Lol.

Ooh, something I was just reminded of that is rather annoying, bad hold music. Since I’m on hold to the help desk right now for work, I’ve got some pretty bad and cheesy hold music going on in my ear. Some of the hold music for the company I work for isn’t bad, but this one is terrible.

I guess this is going to be a shorter post today since I’m running out of time and I don’t really want to keep going on and on and on about that lol. There is a lot more things that I could complain about, but I will refrain from that.

Complaints Round 2

I think I’ve finally caught up on that elusive sleep this weekend. By the way, people are assholes. Not like that has anything to do with sleeping in this weekend. But still. “I’m looking for *insert name here* can you let me know what state she works out of?” No I can’t let you know what state she works out of let alone know if she is in the office or not. Doesn’t help that the dude I just had on the phone was being a prick. I could care less that you just retired and that you don’t have your paperwork with you. Maybe you should’ve had your shit together before calling.

Anyway, back to the sleep. Yep, I slept in this weekend. At least on Sunday I did, and I’m feeling a bit more rested today. I like sleeping in, but a lot of the time I still manage to wake up at a non-sleeping in time- which is rather annoying. Sunday, I managed to sleep in until 10:00 am, which I think is a record lately in my attempts to sleep in. However, I didn’t get out of bed until closer to 2:00 pm. I just stayed in bed, all comfy under the covers reading and playing games on my phone. I did end up calling my Spouse-Like-Person around 2:00 asking him to bring me some food upstairs because I didn’t want to get out of bed yet. Apparently I woke up the gump and he complained that I don’t need to eat in bed, and that I can get my own food and that eating upstairs is not allowed. Not allowed, eh? Well I’ll show him. I’ve eaten upstairs before and in my bed, so I’m not sure what his issue is. He’s just as refreshing as a Summer’s Eve (douche for those that don’t get that horrible reference). Lol.

So, speaking of complaining, he’s also been bitching that I’ve been playing the anxiety card too much for avoiding the gym. Yeah, so maybe I have been milking that a bit, I still can’t really go when there are a lot of people around. So I’m probably going to be putting my membership up on Craigslist or something in hopes that someone will want to buy it. I’ve wasted a lot of money on this stupid thing, and that’s the more annoying part. But if my SLP wasn’t so fucking money hungry, I wouldn’t have this problem. Everything that has to do with him has money at the core of it. He doesn’t have a job, but is still receiving money from when his mother died a few years ago. Before that he didn’t work either, but was receiving money from the government. It just really pisses me off because he is fully capable of holding an office job where he can sit all day. But of course, he could never do that because he’s bound to find something wrong with sitting all day, or that he can’t handle sitting all day because of some sort of medical issue. Well, depending where you work, they can be accommodating with special super comfy chairs, or an exercise ball to sit on at your desk, or have a desk like I do that can be raised and lowered to stand while working (which I absolutely love by the way). It’s just a shame that he feels entitled to the money that I earn at work because he’s my partner. We are not legally married, so technically, he has no say over the money I earn or even my life insurance policy I get through work. He’s listed himself as the primary beneficiary without even asking me. I actually had plans for that and they don’t include him receiving 100% of the pay out if I die. Yeah, that’s not happening.

Yeah, just a shame in general that he can’t act like the responsible adult he should be. He sleeps all damn day, but says that he’s up during the night, so sleeping all day is ok, if that’s actually the case. I just don’t understand him. He’s been milking this “med change” thing for way too long. Though if I bring it up, he’ll just get pissy and start turning it around on me and how I’m not handling my life responsibly. According to him, I’m ruining my life by not taking care of myself, my eating habits are atrocious and I just don’t take care of myself in general. Oh, I’m sorry. I go to work five days a week, get yelled at over the phone about things that are above and beyond my control. I come home to a house that is not always clean, but it’s usually my fault it’s not clean according to my SLP because I don’t do anything around the house. Oh, and apparently it’s my fault that I don’t spend a lot of time with my SLP anymore. Like hell that’s my fault. If he didn’t sleep all day, he’d be up when I got home, then we could do stuff together, then go to sleep. But why would I even want to spend time with something that has to continuously talk through EVERYTHING. I can’t even watch a tv show without getting pissed off because he can’t keep his trap shut. Movies are just ruined for me because he’s always talking though them, even in theaters, he’ll lean over and whisper something or ask a question. I have asked him nicely to stop talking and he doesn’t, so I have to get more rude and louder to ask him to shut up. Then he’ll get mad at me for rudely telling him to shut up. What am I even supposed to do then? I tell him I asked nicely the first eighty bajillion times, which he ignored. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do at that point anymore. Whatever I end up doing is wrong, so I’m at the point where I just give up.

Which brings me to my next few thoughts; do I leave my SLP or stay with him? I don’t even know anymore. I sometimes feel like the only reason I stay with him is because it’s comfortable and mostly safe. I have a roof over my head, no worries of being evicted, vehicles to use and a place to generally call home. In the long run though, am I truly safe there? His constant belittling and telling me what I’ve done wrong all the time does annoy me and wear me down, and grate on my last never. But for whatever reason, I’m still there.

Side note, I just had some guy call in and his last name was Muse. I just made a fool of myself telling him that I loved his last name and it’s the name of my favorite band. I think I confused him more than anything lol. I’ve also told people with British and Australian accents that I loved their accents when I’ve had on the phone and apparently made them blush- or so they say.

Anyway, lol, that was a fun tangent to ramble off on. I did have a dream last night that I seem to have every month. For the longest time, it was a series of dreams where I would have a conversation with each of my grandparents that have died. In the beginning it was like each night I would have a dream with a grandparent in it, but more recently it all of my grandparents and I sitting around my kitchen table just having a conversation about normal everyday stuff.  One conversation with one of my grandmothers started out with her asking how I was doing, what was new in life. I told her that I was fine, confused about some personal things, and then asked how she was. She replied that she was bowling over Australia and had gotten a near perfect game. When I was little and scared of thunderstorms, my mom would tell me that it was just my grandmother bowling in heaven and each time it thundered, it was the ball rolling down the lane and the lightening was my grandmother getting a strike.

So, those dreams I won’t type up to put on the Dreams page because they happen each month and there isn’t anything spectacular that happens in them. Mostly, it’s just a conversation with my grandparents about things going on in my life. I think it’s just my brains way of trying to figure things out that are worrying me, confusing me, or are exciting things happening in my life at the time of the dream.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to get this wrapped up as I’m getting a new laptop at work instead of a desktop. I’m excited. Should be fun!

Abandoned Locals

Alright, so it’s not like I forgot to post, I just ran out of time on Wednesday and yesterday when I started this post. Wednesday, work was crazy busy and when I got home, I feel asleep at the computer instead of on the couch like I usually do. I suppose I could have written a post during my lunch on Wednesday, but that was spent looking at pictures of abandoned and derelict amusement parks and buildings. Yesterday though, I actually started this post, but I got all distracted looking at more pictures and getting links to said pictures. Last night my SLP and I went to Menards to get some ideas for kitchen flooring, new siding for the house, shingles for the roof and other home improvement things as well as a weed whacker. I thought about finishing this last night, but after Menards we went out to dinner and I got a margarita. Wow.. I hadn’t had a drink with booze in it for a while and that tequila hit me like a ton of bricks and kicked my ass. I got sooo sleepy. Granted, I haven’t been going to bed at a decent time lately, staying up reading or writing or playing Simpsons Tapped Out.

Anyway, I have no idea why, but that stuff fascinates me. Maybe it’s seeing nature reclaim the land that was cleared for whatever is there. Or maybe it’s seeing an amusement park that used to have a ton of happy and excited people pass through its gates now looking so forlorn and empty. I would love for the opportunity to go to an abandoned amusement park to explore and take pictures. It would be creepy and really exciting at the same time.

I came across Michael John Grist’s site while Google-ing abandoned amusement parks. He has taken some amazing and beautiful photos of the places he’s been to. One of my favorite sets is from Nara Dreamland (pictures here), a derelict amusement park that is a knock off of Disney Land. So I’ve been spending most of my free time looking at all the pictures he’s got. One of the sets that made me really sad were the pictures (pictures here) of Oradou-sur-Glane, a village in France. For that one, the pictures on his site are from other people. It’s just a sad story from World War II. Nearly everyone in the village, including three people passing through the village on bikes were massacred by a German Waffen-SS company. The women and children were locked in the church while the men were locked in barns and gunned down with machine-guns. After the men were killed, shot in the legs to prolong the pain of death, the soldiers covered them with fuel and set the barns on fire. The soldiers then went to the church and burned it down with the women and children in it.

Another set of photos that made me quite sad were pictures he took of the Hiroshima A-bomb Dome (pictures here). I’m not going to go into the bombing of Hiroshima here because there are tons of other places that you can read about it in more detail. The dome was originally the Hiroshima Trade Promotion Hall and was only 150 meters away from the blast hypocenter. Per one of the captions under a picture it says “The Genbaku Dome was originally scheduled to be demolished with the rest of the ruins, but the fact that it was mostly intact delayed these plans. As Hiroshima was rebuilt around the dome, it became a subject of controversy; some locals wanted it torn down, while others wanted to preserve it as a memorial of the bombing.” There is also a peace museum as well and documents the aftermath of the bombing.

In the film Hannah (one movie I will always watch if it’s on tv because I love it and the music in it), part of the film takes place in the abandoned Spreepark in Berlin. Spreepark started out as Kulturpark Plänterwald in 1969 and in 1989 the name was changed to Spreepark Berlin. In 2001, the park closed and in 2002 the park owner moved to Peru to set up another park there called Lunapark. The owner failed in his attempt to run the new park so he moved back to Berlin and tried to smuggle 180 kg of cocaine from Peru to Germany in the masts of the flying carpet ride. Apparently, since 2011 there have been guided tours of the park at restricted times.  Pictures of Spreepark

Something else that has always fascinated me is the town of Pripyat that is within the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone (pictures here). That is just another massively sad story of what happened at Chernobyl and the people of the town. A message on local radio was that an accident occurred at the plant, but made it sound like the damage and radiation was localized. Another thing I’ve recently read about Pripyat was that the Ferris wheel, for many years was thought to be unused, may have been as pictures have surfaced somewhere showing it being used. Like the caption says for the picture of the Ferris wheel on the page I liked in this paragraph, the Ferris wheel may have been used in the 36 hours between the incident and the evacuation to take the focus off the plant while they were assessing the situation.

And now because I’m massively lazy, here are a bunch of links to other sets of pictures from abandoned places and other awesome things.

Nara Dreamland

Underwater Lion City

Abandoned Russian Riviera Resort

Abandoned Haunted Hospital

Abandoned NSA Listening Station on Devils Mountain

Abandoned Six Flags New Orleans

Spreepark

Music to Me is Like the Air I Breathe

Alright, I originally wanted to jabber about food and how glorious it is, but since I was on Facebook during my lunch I decided to change my topic. Mostly because I saw this thing a friend posted about Muse playing with Metallica this summer at the Summer Sonic festival that takes place in Tokyo and Osaka, click here to see the full line up for both nights. I just can’t even.. Muse, Metallica, Linkin Park, The Smashing Pumpkins, Pet Shop Boys, Beady Eye, Cheap Trick, Stereophonics, Bullet For My Valentine, Two Door Cinema Club, Imagine Dragons.. holy hell. So yeah, I think I need to win the lottery so I can afford to go, because that would just be fucking amazing.

Anyway, I figured I would talk about music instead of food. For me, music sort of is food- like I can’t live without it. I’m trying something out at work today to see how well it goes, and that is to listen to music while I take calls. In the past I’ve been really good about it, but I was in a call center where a whole lot of concentration wasn’t needed. Where I am now I do need to concentrate a bit more, but so far I’m doing well. I certainly won’t do this every day, but maybe a few days out of the week or in the mornings to keep me more awake.

Speaking of music festivals, I went to my first one a few years ago when Muse were playing Lollapalooza in Chicago. After that I decided that I probably won’t ever do another festival unless Muse plays or another band I really like. Because of my anxiety issues, I had a hard time dealing with all of the people at Lolla, but in the end it was absolutely worth it. The things that I didn’t like were the people body surfing and falling on my head and the pushing and shoving and being in a crowd of uncomfortably hot and sweaty bodies. I was also not a fan of people smoking pot around me and purposely blowing it in other people’s faces because it was funny. That’s just rude. I understand that there is always going to be drinking and drug use at music festivals and concerts, but to purpose flaunt what you are doing along with being a jerk about it just sucks.

As for concerts in stadiums or arenas or outside venues I will absolutely go. I’ve been to a few in my relatively short life time so far, the first being the Turtles when they played at the Dane County Fair a long time ago, my brother took me to see them. Then after that, it was Hanson in 1998, Backstreet Boys in 1999 or 2000, Muse in 2010, 2011 (Lolla) and more recently this last March when they were in Chicago. So that’s not a whole lot of concerts compared to some people, but I am always looking to go see a good band live. I have a list of who I want to see before I die, and even though I have seen Muse three times now, they still top my list. Next would be Metallica. I would love to see them with my brother since it’s his fault I like them. When he was in high school and still living at home before going to college, he would always play Metallica in the morning while he was getting ready while I was in my room listening to a local Top 40’s radio station. I’d always end up turning off my radio and listening to Metallica instead and not really understanding what it was, I was in first, second, third and fourth grades while my brother was in high school. After Metallica, Daft Punk rounds out the top three.

Music in general, there is no way that I could live without it. To me it is like the air I breathe. I like such a wide range of music; it’s hard for me to choose a favorite genre. I can’t even say that I don’t like country, but I’m very picky and I don’t like a lot of the newer country music. I could care less if you think your tractor is sexy. I do, however, love Johnny Cash. What’s not to love about the original man in black? Great songs, great voice and I’m sure that if I were born many years earlier and were of age, I’d totally hit on him lol. Not like you needed to or even cared to know that.

Something else about music that I love, are remixes and mash-ups. With the help of SoundCloud, I have discovered a lot of amazing songs. I think I’ll just have to make a post of stuff from there. One of my favorite things I’ve found on there is a mash-up that has Flesh & Bones by The Hacker fest. Perspects, Map of the Problematique by Muse, The Orgy by The Glove, and some other songs as well as a sample from Star Trek IV. Since that is a favorite song of mine, I will put that on here.

I Don’t Even Know…

Oh my goodness, what a busy weekend! Spent nearly all of it at my parents so I am in parental overload right now and don’t particularly want to see them until this next weekend when I go to church. I need a week to decompress and catch up on sleep if at all possible. I almost did this morning and ended up being 20 minutes late to work. So not how I wanted to start the day, let alone the week. But, regardless of all of that, my weekend was wonderful and I got to spend a lot of time with my nephew. I think this last month is the most time I’ve spent with my nephew since he was born. I’m glad that he misses me when I’m not around him and asks about me. He is such a little ham and I love him a lot. Totally excited for his sibling to be born in September, he’s going to be a wonderful big brother.

Easter was good, my mom said she didn’t get me any Peeps, but one of my aunties surprised me with a small basket with some Peeps and some new nail polish colors along with some healthy snacks. I freaking loooooooooove Peeps. Besides blowing them up in the microwave on graham crackers to make s’mores, I poke holes in the packaging to let them get hard. That’s the best way to eat them.

Hey, Happy Opening Day for baseball! Go Brewers! The place I work decided to allow sports apparel to be worn along with tennis shoes and sneakers, though I have worn my Converse All Stars frequently in the past when I was in my old position. With the new one, I haven’t worn them as much yet. Anyway, I bought two new Brewers shirts the other week because I couldn’t decide what one I liked better so I got both. That’s the logical thing to do right? Lol.

Hrmm.. what else is new.. Not a whole lot actually. I did realize this weekend that I have the piano music to ‘Norwegian Wood’ by The Beatles memorized apparently.  I printed out a bunch of sheet music on Friday, probably abusing my printer privileges at work. Anyway, one of the ones I printed was ‘The Scientist’ by Coldplay and I trying to learn it while my nephew was over at my parents and he wanted to hear my play something else. I didn’t have the piano book that has Norwegian Wood in it with me, but I was able to play it anyway for my little man. He had like five seconds worth of interest in my playing and then ran off to do something else. I didn’t expect much less from a two and a half year old, but it’s still sweet he wanted me to play something. After he ran off, I played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for him and he started singing it in the other room.

After my nephew left, I helped my mom fill and hide about 120 plastic Easter eggs in the basement for the little kids of the family to find on Sunday. I didn’t think we’d find enough spots for them, but we did. Usually they would be hidden outside and it would be a free for all, but with the snow still on the ground, it was muddy and a little cold out.

I dunno, looks like I’m rambling again so I’ll stop that. I also realized that I may or may not have a crush on a co-worker.. which is annoying. I know I shouldn’t be “looking” or anything because of being with my SLP, but damn, my SLP drives me insane some days and I find myself wondering if I should leave him. I can’t ever decide though because I’m too wishy washy about it and comfortable where I am. I do know though, that if it gets to the point where I am not comfortable in the situation, I will be leaving. So I guess, I can still have crushes (are they even called that at my age?) on people and still be with my SLP. I’d never act on said crushes or cheat on my SLP. The horrible thing about this crush, is that he sits like diagonally across from me, so I see him every time I look up. It also doesn’t hurt that he has a nice voice to listen to. Man.. I’m doomed. But like I said before, I’m not looking to cheat or anything, but he’s just cute and nice and polite and is rather quiet. My SLP is not quiet, always talking while we watch tv shows, when we watch movies at home and sometimes at the theater. It’s like constant chatter from the moment I get home to when I go to bed. I talk to people all day on the phone at work. I don’t really wish to do a lot of talking when I get home. I think a lot of my SLP’s problem is, is that he’s home all day alone with two cats and some fish, so he doesn’t really socialize much. He doesn’t work, does a lot of sleeping during the day and does not do a whole lot around the house while I’m at work.

However, I was pleasantly surprised that he did actually clean the main level of the house. Only things left downstairs are scrubbing/mopping/washing the kitchen floor, I must say that I love my Swiffer Wet Jet. It is fabulous and even better it’s the red one. As for the upstairs, I said that I would clean that. It’s only the room that I occupy and the bathroom. So I may do that when I get home today. Might as well because then the house is relatively clean.

Oh, and before I end this post, I want to complain lol. I finally called the gym I have a membership at to see what I need to do to cancel the membership. Looks like I’m stuck because I signed a contract. Bastards. Even if it were medically necessary for me to cancel the member ship, the most they can do is just put the membership on hold for an extended period of time. The only options I have available to me are to put it on hold for up to three months without a doctor’s letter, or longer with the letter explaining why it needs to be put on hold. However, if the membership is put on hold, then the months are just tacked on to the end of the membership and I would still have to pay for them. The other option would be to sell my membership to someone and pay a one-time transfer fee. Not worth the headache since my membership ends next March. Since I’m stuck with it, I may as well just suck it up and go, but only at night and on the weekends when there is not a lot of people there. Damnit anxiety, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?