Good Things Are Coming My Way

Time for a brief update on things going on in my life, I suppose. Well, for once things are starting to go really good. I own a house officially, or at least that’s what it says on the mortgage. With that new mortgage at a lower rate, we’ll also be getting a home equity line of credit so we can finally start those renovations that we’ve been putting off as well as wipe out all debt we have- which honestly isn’t much. And by the end of the year, I should be the proud owner of a new car.. but we’ll see how it works out.

Personally, I’ve been going to some doctors, last week and tomorrow I have an appointment. I’m finally getting my life back in order and finding out what I need to do to accomplish certain things. I’m actually scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I don’t know. Since my person had surgery a few years ago now for weight loss, gastric bypass, I would always tell him that he was cheating. To me, he really was cheating because I didn’t think he ever really tried hard enough on his own to lose the weight. For me, I’ve tried all sorts of things, even starving myself, but none of them seemed to work. All I managed was to maybe lose some weight, but then maintained my weight.

For me though, I feel like that if the only other option for me is surgery as well, that it would be cheating and a sign that I failed that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t like being a failure, but I think I fail at everything. I’m really messed up a lot of the time, but I’ve been getting better and I’m also slowly returning back to the self I was before the depression and anxiety hit hard. It’s been a long journey so far, and it will be a path that I have to travel the rest of my life. It’s not like I’ll wake up one morning and everything is gone and I’m magically all better. Do you know how many times I wished that would happen? Never does and never will unless I work at it- which I am.

It’s hard for me to know that I will be turning 30 next year. I thought turning 28 was hard, but wow, I really do not want to turn 30 next year. I think part of my problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought I’d have at least one child by now and one on the way, a nicer house and a husband that actually had a job and provided decent income. Doesn’t have to be a rich guy, just one that was a bit better at money handling and had a good job as well as not sleep all damn day.

Anyway, I will find out tomorrow what I need to do for this weight loss thing. Hopefully it’s all good news… but I’m still terrified.

Bring on the Stupid and I’m Sorry…

I’ve decided that I’m ready for the stupid today. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be bad. I’m sure it’s also going to be a busier than normal Monday as well because of the holiday weekend.

Not meaning to change the subject, but I kind of need to. I kind of feel like I’m forcing myself to write posts for this lately. It’s not that I’ve lost interest in posting on here, I just haven’t had interesting dreams lately and I feel like I’m beating a dead horse with my complaints. I’ve also been devoting nearly all of my writing time to my Batman project. So far I’ve got quite a lot done on it, though I have no idea how to end it. I just haven’t gotten to a point where I need to start thinking about how to end it.

I’ve also gotten back into beading and making bracelets for myself. They are pretty awesome if I do say so myself lol.

Other than that, there isn’t much that is new with me. Oh! I officially own a house now and I don’t know how to feel about that really. I sort of see it as something permanent and tying me to a relationship that I still don’t know if I want to be in. Well, I do want to be in the relationship, but we’ve just been going through some rough spots and a long dry spell that sometimes makes it hard for me to see anything positive out of the relationship.

But with the new mortgage and signing those papers, it feels as though I’m moving on to a new chapter in my life and I’m actually excited for what the future is going to bring. It’s a fabulous feeling when things fall into place.

I’ll try to post something at least once a week here, but I’m hoping to post twice. We’ll see how it works out. Until the next post, have a lovely day!

Short and Sweet.. Like Me

Heyyy… I promise, I didn’t forget about posting on here. Just been a little preoccupied with some other things lately; tree damage in my yard from recent storms, got into beading again and got hit in the head by my creative writing muse. So I have been working on a bit of something Batman related. I’ve only shared it with two people, and I don’t know that I would ever share it with anyone else. I’m so not confident in my own writing skills. The things that I have share with people, they have told me it’s good and stuff, but I still feel as if it’s just really boring and the plot is something that’s been written about so many times that no one would want to read it because it’s boring. That’s something that I worry a bit about on here, but then I just take a step back and realize that no one really reads this blog like thing except maybe a few people, and those few people actually know me, so it’s just like I’m writing an email to them or something.

Other than the above, things are starting to look up for me. The last week in June, my person will be going to visit his parents for a week or a little longer so I will have the house to myself. EXCITING! I am starting to make some plans for that week. Nothing huge, but we have a small bathroom downstairs that I want to make over- wallpaper needs to come down and some fresh paint.

Another thing that has been exciting for me would be a few work related things. First being that I got to train the new person in the department. I lucked out though because I have previously worked with her and trained her before so I knew her style and how hard I could push. I still have my doubts that I did a bad job training, but I think that’s because I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. Apparently, I’m also going to be training another new person in July. We’ll see how that goes because I don’t know this person or her style of learning a new job so I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to be that one person people hate because I train like a drill sergeant or something.

The second and last thing for now that I’m excited about for work is that I think I’ve finally come up with a goal. To eventually be the manager of the department I’m in now. I think currently I’m on track, however I do need to get one of those fancy pieces of paper saying that I graduated from a business management course at a college level. I suppose that’s doable and I’m not as scared to go to college like I was the first time. Since I’ve been on my medication, my depression has nearly gone away now and I’ve become quite the social butterfly compared to how I was before. My anxiety has all dropped as well. Sure, I’m still going to be depressed and anxious about things, but it won’t be as bad as it was without this medication. I just feel much better and happier as well.

I think that’s going to be it for this post, short and sweet. I hope all of you that are this blog have a wonderful weekend and Father’s Day!

Regrets and a Few Other Things

Here it is Friday night, I’m at home sitting at my computer trying to think of something to post. I had this idea while I was at work the other day since this is my 30th post, that I would make a post of thirty things that I want to do this summer. Yeah.. nope. I started a list, and most of the things on there are movies that are coming out this year that I want to see. So, that’s not really a list of things to do.

Maybe I could make this a post about regrets. I’ve got a large one from last Friday. After work, I went out with some friends after work and ended up consuming at least six at most possibly eight of a particular alcoholic drink in two and a half to three hours- which ended up being 24 to 32 shots of liquor in that short amount of time. I’ve been told that I would have been fine had they not set a tray of twelve shots of tequila and because of the smell of the tequila I puked. On the table. In a beer pitcher. Even a little bit on the person sitting next to me. It was a bad night after that. I remember everything before about 8:30, but if you were to ask me what happened after that, I could not tell you. So, I suppose that’s a regret since it was my anniversary with my SLP. I remember sitting on the toilet at home, sobbing into a bucket while puking saying, “I’m sorry, so so so sorry,” over and over again.

Other things that I suppose I regret would be not pursing certain things in high school. Like actually doing my home work to get better grades to go to college to get a better job. Don’t get me wrong, I love the job I have now, but at this point in my life, I thought I would be better off. Back to the high school thing, I regret not asking a boy or two out for more than one date. Sure they were fun dates, if you could even call them that, but I got scared and didn’t want to be attached to someone I went to high school with. There was always that whatever you want to call it of dating someone from high school, then saying you’ll stay together through college and then you do, but realize once it’s too late that you were better off apart. Main thing is, I regret that I didn’t see where the relationships would have taken me.

Another thing that I regret is something that I’m still struggling with now. I don’t know that I want to stay with my SLP because of not knowing if I actually truly love him. It’s something that I regret because again, I’m too scared to see what would happen if I were to leave him. I just know that right now, it’s easier to stay. With him I have a place to live, a car to get myself to and from work and other places that I need to be, and those other things like computer, television and stuff like that. I guess it’s more of a possible future regret if I don’t do something about it soon.

I also regret that I start things and never finish them, but who doesn’t you know?

I did also want to just have a post of my normal rambling. The last week and a few days, I’ve been training the newest person in my department at work. I lucked out on this because I’ve worked with this person for two years previously in the last department I was in. I trained her then too, so I know how much I can push. My manager told me that I’ll be training someone who is starting in July and I’m terrified. I think I’ve done a horrible job training, but that’s just who I am I think. I think I do a bad job at everything. Maybe because I set my standards stupidly high so that I never reach them and I constantly fail. I suppose that’s something to regret as well. I’ve probably missed out on some great opportunities because of that. I never thought that I would miss being on the phone as much as I have the last few days where I’ve been listening to calls with the new person while she did all the talking in case she had questions about what was being asked of her. I miss having the slight freedom of being able to talk to one of the people I consider my best friend. I miss being able to listen to music in one ear to make the day go by faster and it also helps forget the people that are rude and demeaning over the phone. I miss being able to write a post for this whatever you want to call it thing that started out as a dream log and turned into something more where I can figure my thoughts out. I miss not having to have people depend on my to learn something. One of the things I like the most about my job is the easiness of it. It’s simple. A customer calls in, they want to talk to a person and you connect the call to that person. Sometimes you’ll have to do a little extra work to dig up the claim the customer is calling about, or try and defuse a situation where the customer is pissed off about something that is out of your control. Yet all the customer needed was someone to that they could vent to but then they say, “Look, I know it’s not your fault, but I just really needed to talk to someone about it,” and you offer to get them in touch with someone that can help them and most of the time they will say no because you helped enough and they are ok now just because you sat there listening to what they were saying.

Another thing that I miss is something from my old job. Sure it sucked not having the benefits of health insurance and actual vacation days where you didn’t have to work some massively fucked up hours just to make sure you reached 40 hours each week to have enough money for bills. But I miss the freedom of being able to take lunches and breaks whenever and being able to watching or listen to something playing on Netflix all day. Honestly though, I would trade that in a heartbeat any day for the stability of being a full time employee and the benefits. Some day I may look at other positions within the company, but right now I feel very secure in my position. I do my job, and apparently I do it well even though I half ass it most of the day.

Lately I’ve been trying my had at writing some Batman something or another. I don’t usually share my writing with many people, but I did end up sharing what I had typed up with my friend. She said she liked it so far, but I don’t know. I wonder if she was just saying that, lol. I know that she would never lie about something like that to me, but I’m so not confident in my writing skills and think that everything I write is just shit. I also feel like the ideas that I have and want to write are things that have already been written, the ideas aren’t good or they don’t match the characters I’m writing- or at least attempting to write. I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. I think that’s probably another thing that I regret. Maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll post what I’ve got written on here on a different page or something. So far though, I’ve been writing it for my own amusement with no thoughts of really sharing with other people. I just shared with her because I wanted an opinion on something because, like usual, I thought it was pretty lame so far. I’ve got a short list of ideas I want to try out with this thing. Hopefully they aren’t all as horrible as I seem to think they are.

Speaking of writing, there is a Star Wars related thing that I’ve been working on FOREVER, lol. I started writing it in 1999 after I saw The Phantom Menace and decided that Obi-Wan needed a special female Jedi in his life. Over the years, my character I created has had some changes made to her and I really like what she is now. I have quite a bit of that written out and so many more ideas for that one in my head as well. I really wish I had a pensieve from the world of Harry Potter so I could extract those thoughts from my head and bottle them for when the mood to write strikes. I find myself struggling to think of something to write when I sit down and plan on writing, basically forcing myself to write instead of waiting for the right time to write. My ideal writing time seems to be when I’m laying in bed before falling asleep or taking a bath. Those are the times I am most relaxed and the ideas are easier to form. I think that’s common for most people- having to be relaxed and open to the ideas in the mind. Forced writing is terrible and just doesn’t make for exciting or dynamic things in whatever is being read. I often wonder if my blog, or whatever you would call this, is forced writing or more organic and flowing. I would have to say that due to the rambling nature of my writing on here, it’s more organic and it comes from my heart and mind instead of being forced writing that has no feeling. A few times my own writing has brought me to tears. Not really on here, except in a post from last week I think it was where I was talking about the aging Bruce Wayne/Batman where his body was basically failing him. No, there may have been another time I was nearly in tears writing a post that was truly from the heart and my feelings on something.

One night I was in bed trying to write a good bye bit for my Star Wars thing, I have a tendency to skip around in that one. It’s been on going for so long that I’ll write something where Obi-Wan and the character I created are younger one moment and the next moment, I’m writing something where they are older. So anyway, I was trying to write the bit where Obi-Wan and my character part ways until she dies, and for some reason, I pictured it in my head, but putting it into actual words on paper hurt my heart so much that I was in tears trying to write it out. I’ve come to love my character and the thought of her having to say good bye to the person she’s shared her life with, her best friend and the person she loves more than anything was just killing me inside. I would hate to be in her position. Each time I think about that part, I see the same thing in my head like that night I tried to write it. It’s just in my head so clearly that I’ve wondered if maybe in a past life of mine, my soul was in a good bye like that with a soul mate.

Speaking of soul mates and past lives, I’ve had some dreams that were so vivid and so real that it felt like I was actually there. Those dreams have made me wonder if they were truly a past life of mine. I think shit like that is pretty awesome and if I could, I would love to walk the halls of my soul to see where it’s been and who it’s been with in the past. I have this feeling that my soul is probably middle aged. I’ve talked with a friend about this and she says that her soul is an old soul, and if you knew her, like I think I do that would be a correct assumption. Her personality and actions are wise, like she’s been around, seen some shit you know? I feel like my soul still has a lot of learning to do, so maybe it’s a young soul. I don’t know, but one thing I know is that I think my soul was at least around during the World Wars. I’ve had multiple dreams before about a couple during World War II where the newly wedded husband has to go off to fight. The husband and his new bride write letters back and forth. One day, she writes him and tells him that he’s going to be a father by the time he returns home. Excited by the news, he writes a letter back telling her that he’s got a feeling the war is going to be over soon. Oh man, was he wrong. Later that day, he’s killed. In my dreams, his death has varied from being shot down over the German country side, to being killed by bombings to being shot in the head, heart or another random body part or area, to being gutted by a bayonet during hand to hand combat with enemy soldiers. For the wife, she ends up miscarrying and is devastated when she learns that her new husband has been killed in action. Feeling like her life is over and she has nothing left to give to the world, she enlists to be an army nurse and demands to be sent over seas. Sometimes she is sent over seas to the war front in Europe, other times it’s to the Pacific theater. Other times she takes her own life.

Something in regards to souls and reincarnations, I just had a thought. It’s probably not that original actually, and now that I think about it, I think my friend mentioned it one day when we were talking about this. But each time you die, your soul is split. Like not bad like Voldemort soul splitting to become immortal, but like a little piece of it goes missing. Maybe it stays with the body that was currently carrying it, maybe it goes onto a different person from the rest of the soul. Or maybe it’s totally split in half. If that’s the case, maybe it’s why it’s possible to have multiple soul mates. I think the people that you meet in your life are in your life because they carry part of your original soul. Hopefully that makes sense. It’s starting to get late and I need to get to bed. I’m actually planning on doing some yard work tomorrow before church.

With that, I will leave you and wish you all a good night and happy dreams. Until next time.

One Thing I Wish I’d Known Better

Man, one thing I wish I’d known better… There are so many to pick from really. I guess the biggest one and the one I still struggle with is money management. It’s not something that comes easy to me, though I like to think I can handle my income. I make enough that I could live on my own, probably without a tv- provided I have a tablet or computer to watch stuff on, so I’d need to have an internet provider and of course a mobile phone. Also would need a car so I can get to and from work and other places I may need to go. However, my current living situation should be saving me money but it’s not. My SLP does not have a job, but still receives money so he has some sort of an income, but the income I earn from working is the primary flow of money.

I know I can keep a check book balanced if I had to, but in the past I had trouble even doing that and went under a few times. Once bad enough I had to be bailed out. Was spending, but didn’t have the money. That was a lesson learned and it’s been quite a while since my bank account went under for anything. My issue is, I know how to do it, I just don’t want to do it. So my SLP has taken over my account and he manages all the money. Making weekly budgets, deciding what to spend on groceries and house hold supplies each week if we need to get something like toilet paper. Also makes sure all the bills are paid on time. We don’t have that many of them, but there are enough that still makes my paycheck stretched tight each time I’m paid.

I just wish that we had put a large chunk of money we received due to someone dying a few years ago to better use. I’m told that it’s my fault a lot of it was used up because I didn’t have a job for what my SLP says was two years. That’s actually false, as it was only at most one year. My SLP is the one that hasn’t had a job since high school, and that’s 13 years ago this year since his last job. I have been working steadily since the end of August, beginning of September of 2008 at the current company I’m at now, only thing was I was a temp until this past October when I was finally hired on in a full time position with fabulous benefits.

I get it, losing a parent is hard and it puts you in a funk for a while, but during that funk, I was the one that got the house cleaned and had people over that I trusted to help me clean. My SLP was the one that stayed in bed, stewing because people I trusted were over helping get the house cleaned up and just not so cluttered anymore. It’s not like it was dirty and grimy, just stuff that needed going through and things that needed to be put away. Since then, it’s been easier to get the house clean, but there are still things that take a bit to get done. I think eventually I’d like to get a cleaning schedule set for the house that makes it easier to clean instead of running around like crazy 10 minutes before someone comes over. It’s kind of hard to get basement stink out of the air in 10 minutes. Only thing really is to make fresh bread, and even that takes more than 10 minutes to mix, let sit to rise, then shape the dough, let is rise again and then finally bakes nearly two hours later.

Another thing I wish I’d known better was that even in their crazy way, my parents just wanted what was best for me. If it meant a ridiculous list of rules that I had to follow, then I guess I would have gone along with it. Instead, I rebelled, moved out and stopped going to school. Guess that’s not exactly what they wanted for me, but it’s what they got. I didn’t care if it hurt them, because they hurt me with the stupid rules. It didn’t help that I was clinically depressed and during the beginning of the school year, I was at a psychologist, and my mom was seeing a different psychologist in the next room over. My mom’s psychologist was also a family therapist, and my whole immediate family has gone to appointments with the family therapist as well as just my parents and myself seeing her. Well one day when my mom and I had appointments, and for the last part of it, my psychologist and I went into the office next to her office to meet with my mom and the family therapist. Apparently, they somehow decided that I was going to be hospitalized because I was zoning out and not wanting to pay attention to what they were talking about. I was livid that I was being stuck in a mental hospital when there wasn’t anything seriously enough wrong with me to have to go. In addition to being livid, I felt sad and even more than feeling sad, I felt abandoned. So after a few weeks after the new school year started, I had to be pulled from school for nearly two weeks to be monitored at the hospital. I was not a suicide risk, or even a risk to myself or others. So to this day, I’m still kind of baffled as to why I was even put in the hospital. My only guess would be is that my parents thought they were doing what was right at the time. Didn’t help that my psychologist, who I thought was on my side, even agreed with the family therapist and my mom that I needed the help the hospital could provide. Maybe that’s something I’ll have to ask my mom about. It’s not something that I like talking about much because I truly don’t understand why I went. Maybe my parents thought that it was something that was really going to help me.

Ugh, that’s enough of that, lol. Talking about that is making me all depressed and reminding me of how I pretty much threw my life away after getting out of the hospital because I thought it was the end of the world I was even there. I guess that really doesn’t have much to do with something I wish I’d known better. Anyway, I’m typing up a dream I had the other night so I think some time later today I’ll get that posted.

 

Abandoned Locals

Alright, so it’s not like I forgot to post, I just ran out of time on Wednesday and yesterday when I started this post. Wednesday, work was crazy busy and when I got home, I feel asleep at the computer instead of on the couch like I usually do. I suppose I could have written a post during my lunch on Wednesday, but that was spent looking at pictures of abandoned and derelict amusement parks and buildings. Yesterday though, I actually started this post, but I got all distracted looking at more pictures and getting links to said pictures. Last night my SLP and I went to Menards to get some ideas for kitchen flooring, new siding for the house, shingles for the roof and other home improvement things as well as a weed whacker. I thought about finishing this last night, but after Menards we went out to dinner and I got a margarita. Wow.. I hadn’t had a drink with booze in it for a while and that tequila hit me like a ton of bricks and kicked my ass. I got sooo sleepy. Granted, I haven’t been going to bed at a decent time lately, staying up reading or writing or playing Simpsons Tapped Out.

Anyway, I have no idea why, but that stuff fascinates me. Maybe it’s seeing nature reclaim the land that was cleared for whatever is there. Or maybe it’s seeing an amusement park that used to have a ton of happy and excited people pass through its gates now looking so forlorn and empty. I would love for the opportunity to go to an abandoned amusement park to explore and take pictures. It would be creepy and really exciting at the same time.

I came across Michael John Grist’s site while Google-ing abandoned amusement parks. He has taken some amazing and beautiful photos of the places he’s been to. One of my favorite sets is from Nara Dreamland (pictures here), a derelict amusement park that is a knock off of Disney Land. So I’ve been spending most of my free time looking at all the pictures he’s got. One of the sets that made me really sad were the pictures (pictures here) of Oradou-sur-Glane, a village in France. For that one, the pictures on his site are from other people. It’s just a sad story from World War II. Nearly everyone in the village, including three people passing through the village on bikes were massacred by a German Waffen-SS company. The women and children were locked in the church while the men were locked in barns and gunned down with machine-guns. After the men were killed, shot in the legs to prolong the pain of death, the soldiers covered them with fuel and set the barns on fire. The soldiers then went to the church and burned it down with the women and children in it.

Another set of photos that made me quite sad were pictures he took of the Hiroshima A-bomb Dome (pictures here). I’m not going to go into the bombing of Hiroshima here because there are tons of other places that you can read about it in more detail. The dome was originally the Hiroshima Trade Promotion Hall and was only 150 meters away from the blast hypocenter. Per one of the captions under a picture it says “The Genbaku Dome was originally scheduled to be demolished with the rest of the ruins, but the fact that it was mostly intact delayed these plans. As Hiroshima was rebuilt around the dome, it became a subject of controversy; some locals wanted it torn down, while others wanted to preserve it as a memorial of the bombing.” There is also a peace museum as well and documents the aftermath of the bombing.

In the film Hannah (one movie I will always watch if it’s on tv because I love it and the music in it), part of the film takes place in the abandoned Spreepark in Berlin. Spreepark started out as Kulturpark Plänterwald in 1969 and in 1989 the name was changed to Spreepark Berlin. In 2001, the park closed and in 2002 the park owner moved to Peru to set up another park there called Lunapark. The owner failed in his attempt to run the new park so he moved back to Berlin and tried to smuggle 180 kg of cocaine from Peru to Germany in the masts of the flying carpet ride. Apparently, since 2011 there have been guided tours of the park at restricted times.  Pictures of Spreepark

Something else that has always fascinated me is the town of Pripyat that is within the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone (pictures here). That is just another massively sad story of what happened at Chernobyl and the people of the town. A message on local radio was that an accident occurred at the plant, but made it sound like the damage and radiation was localized. Another thing I’ve recently read about Pripyat was that the Ferris wheel, for many years was thought to be unused, may have been as pictures have surfaced somewhere showing it being used. Like the caption says for the picture of the Ferris wheel on the page I liked in this paragraph, the Ferris wheel may have been used in the 36 hours between the incident and the evacuation to take the focus off the plant while they were assessing the situation.

And now because I’m massively lazy, here are a bunch of links to other sets of pictures from abandoned places and other awesome things.

Nara Dreamland

Underwater Lion City

Abandoned Russian Riviera Resort

Abandoned Haunted Hospital

Abandoned NSA Listening Station on Devils Mountain

Abandoned Six Flags New Orleans

Spreepark