Just Another Post

Considering I got nothing done that I had initially planned on for Memorial Day Weekend, I did have a pretty good weekend. Saturday, I went over to a friend’s house and helped plant some flowers with her.. maybe she’ll come over one day to my house and help me. Sunday my Spouse-Like-Person and I went and saw the new Star Trek movie. Pretty darn awesome. However, I won’t talk too much about it because I don’t want to spoil it for other people.

Yesterday, the SLP wanted to go to Milwaukee to a tropical fish store to get stuff for out fish tank. Apparently he had set aside a nice chunk of change to spend down there. However, there are things that need to be done before that like pay the damn renewal so we have valid license plates on one of our vehicles- something that was due in March, and now it’s nearly June.  Also yesterday, I did manage to get a little cleaning done, but not what I wanted to accomplish over the weekend.

I just feel so tired and run down all the time and I’m sure it has to do with sleep apnea. I do have an appointment set up for the sleep clinic in July, but it feels like it can’t get here soon enough. I just want to get this sorted out so I feel more rested. Granted, part of the problem lately may be due to me staying up late reading, writing, or watching things from Netflix on my phone. Yeah.. probably never should have downloaded that Netflix app.

I started writing again. I went through all of my older notebooks with things written in them and purged them. There are a lot of things that I have no desire to keep anymore. Some things that I just can’t seem to get rid of no matter how much I wish to, I’m going to keep in a binder for a while until I can finally bring myself to burn them. Since my recent obsession with Batman, I’ve been wanting to try my hand at writing something Batman related for a while. We’ll see how this goes. It will probably end up a jumbled mess of horrible.

I think I’m going to keep this post short and sweet today. So far, the phones have been kind of crazy from the holiday weekend and I’ll also be having someone sit with me while I train them- meaning no time to write a longer post today.

Until next time.

Life Sucks

Wow, talk about interesting weekend. Friday after work, I went out with some co-workers for drinks. I felt bad because I’m always too broke to be able to participate in stuff like that, and I was also massively tired so since I was sort of forced to go, I didn’t plan to stay long so I could go home and go to bed early. With all my good intentions of not drinking and leaving early, that didn’t happen. I ended up having a few drinks and staying until about 10:30ish. It was actually a lot of fun and I found out some interesting things about some people that I work with, and was also given more reasons to dislike some of the people that I work with.

There were some awkward moments Friday night…mostly between myself and another co-worker. I know that it only happened because he was drunk, but I’m not going to lie, the attention was nice and rather flattering. It’s interesting to see how “beer goggles” work. There were quite a few I love you’s said from this particular co-worker and I kept telling him to save those for his wife. Then as I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed me cheek a few times. Again, the attention was nice, but it was only because he was drunk.

Another thing I found out about the co-workers I went out with was that they think I weigh less than I really do. I’m not sure if they are being nice or what, but it was nice to know that they think I’m not as heavy as I really am.

Saturday was pretty good, slept until about 2:00 that afternoon- which is something I did not mean to do. I got up with my alarm that morning, but decided that I was just going to stay in bed all day and then fell back asleep.

Then there’s Sunday. Started out just fine, went over to my parents, spent the day with my mom and helped organize some things in the basement. Then dinner came around. I had to run home to get my Spouse-Like-Person, and when I walked in the door he said that we had to go get water for the fish tank. The store we get it from closes at 6:00 pm on Sunday and it was around 5:25 when I got home and dinner was supposed to be at 5:30. I was pissed. There was no reason why I had to go to the stupid store to get water with him. If he had better time management skills, he could have started cleaning the fish tank earlier in the day, had time to go get the water, and then we could have gone right back to my parents.

Dinner was bad. Not that it tasted bad, in fact it was delicious, but the “dinner discussion” was bad. Basically my dad ripped my SLP a new one. It’s the second time since I have been with my SLP that this has happened. The first time was after he finished mowing the lawn at my house and my SLP was mad that I didn’t defend him or take his side. I just stood there silent with tears streaming down my face. Same thing happened last night, my dad just basically went off and my SLP stood his ground a bit and fired back at my dad. I sat there stunned and again silent, but then started to cry. My SLP looked to me to say something and when I didn’t he got mad at me. I told him afterwards when we were at home that I agreed with my dad on a lot of those issues. Let’s face it. My SLP and I are not ready to take care of a house. We do not have the money and we are not able to do a lot of the work ourselves, so it going to cost even more to have the work done by someone else.

I asked my SLP on the way home last night if he wants to stay in the house. He said that he wants to make it our home. I’m not going to lie. That scares me a bit because I’m not sure that I want a future with my SLP.

I don’t even know what I want in life anymore. I’m not sure I want to have kids. I don’t know if I even want to be married or with someone for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. If I could figure out what I want out of life, it would help a lot. I am actually quite scared to move forward in life because the unknown is scary and I don’t know that I can handle whatever else life decides to throw my way.

Not Even Sure What to Title This…

I guess it’s kind of been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here; I’ve been kind of busy. Between helping my parents with a massive five day garage sale (they are kind of crazy), singing at church and dealing with a grumpy Spouse-Like-Person… it has either been happy or irritating.

So, I will start with the garage sale. My parents have been purging their house since they had to empty out the kitchen to remodel it back in February. My mom has been calling it a pre-estate sale so my brother and I don’t have too much stuff to try and deal with for when they die. With my parents purging their house, I’ve been bringing some things home with me that I want to keep. My SLP is having major issues with that. Some of the stuff I’ve brought home is kind of silly and I think to myself, what in the world am I going to do with that. While other things I’ve brought home, I have an emotional attachment to that I am not quite ready to get rid of. Other things are useful to me, like a sewing machine that’s old, but a lot better than the one we have. But my SLP was the exact name and model number of the sewing machine I brought home to see what it is worth to sell. Umm.. nope. I’m not going to sell it. Not yet at least. Sure it’s an older machine and a pain in the ass to thread the bobbin, but it sews beautifully, and a lot better than the other one. My SLP thinks he knows everything about the other machine, not mine, because he read the manual that came with it. I don’t care, but every time I try to sew on it, the bobbin gets all mangled because he fucked with the tension settings and now no matter what fabric I’m sewing the bobbin gets messed up.

Because of the garage sale, I’ve been spending a lot of time over at my parents to help get ready for the sale, help write up things for Craigslist and show my mom how to put ads up as well as helping each night after work during the week and on the weekend as well. As I’m sure you can guess, my SLP had issues with me being gone so much and helping my parents more than I “help out around the house.” He’s upset because I didn’t call when I was going to be later than I planned. At least I get that one, worried something might have happened like a flat tire or I’m upside down in a ditch somewhere.

Next thing would be singing with a choir like group at church on Saturday night. He’s upset with me because I didn’t talk with him before committing myself to this. Ok, I honestly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, practice on Thursday night before the Saturday we sing. And! It’s only every other week. So really, not that big of a deal. He’s also upset because I volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does called LOGOS every Wednesday night during the school year. His line of thinking is that it’s for people with kids and old people. He has said it’s just weird that I’m helping because I have no kids. Fine, let it be weird, but at this point I’m not even sure that I will ever have kids, so this will have to do.

Speaking of church and singing, I’m not sure I like the director of the group I sing with. She’s kind of snotty and a little rude sometimes and even bossy. Though I suppose she has a right to be bossy, but not snotty. She’s also not too keen with some of the staff of the church. Not sure what her problem is, but there’s no reason to say bad things about them. However, I’m trying to convince her that Starlight by Muse would be a good song to do one Saturday night.

My SLP asked why I was doing the singing at church. Honestly, I thought that I would be playing piano, just the left hand (lower notes), and not singing. But I’m singing now, and that’s not too bad and I kind of actually like singing. I told him that I missed it. He asked what I missed. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I missed about it, but I didn’t want to say something that he would just end up using against me later on. I missed being part of something that’s fun. He figured as much and said that if I missed being part of something that there are other things that I can be a part of and not just stuff at my church. He also told me not to get too comfortable because I might have to switch churches because my SLP does not like my church due to its size. It is large physically, as well as large member wise. My SLP thinks that when we have kids (if ever now) that we should go to a neutral church that neither of us have been to nor been members of. The one he wants to go to is an ok one, and I wouldn’t mind it, except I really like my church and the people there and I’ve been a member there all my life and I don’t see myself changing churches. Does that make me a bad person? I really hope not. To be honest, I don’t even think that my SLP would even go to church if we were to ever have kids.

Out of all of this, I think he’s just more upset that I didn’t spend a lot of time with him this past week. But for him to tell me to not get too comfortable in my own church and the activities that I do there.

Another thing that I’m actually more upset about than I thought was yesterday I was able to talk to my sister-in-law about my nephew being baptized soon and who they were thinking for God Parents. As it turns out, she was thinking one person who absolutely adores my nephew. My brother was thinking about another couple who would actually be great God Parents. I’m just kind of upset that I wasn’t even in the running for it. I have a feeling it’s because of my SLP.

No one in my family really likes my SLP- they mostly think he is a lazy ass that doesn’t do much around the house and I’m the one that ends up doing it all. Most of the time they would be correct. He mostly sleeps all day, complains about money that I spend (that I earn by working a full time job by the way), constantly telling me that my eating habits are bad and that I should eat better (really? Like I don’t already know that), that I would make a bad parent because I only think of myself and wouldn’t take care of the kid and finally about how I do nothing around the house. I don’t do a lot around the house because a lot of the time I don’t care. I also feel that because I was the one that tried to keep the house clean so many times before he would even help or think about helping that it’s just not my turn to care anymore. I will give him this though, he has been cleaning at night when I’m sleeping, but it’s not clean clean like I want it to be. I’m still planning on doing some massive cleaning some weekend, but my cleaning is also going to be purging the house. I should have done that sooner and had stuff at the garage sale my parents just had, would have been perfect. Now, I’ll have to wait until the fall to see if I could maybe have some stuff at a garage sale one of my aunties will be having. I have decided that if I do have stuff at the next “family” garage sale, I’m not sharing whatever I end up making with my SLP.

My dad brought up the fact that it would probably be better if my SLP and I moved into a condo. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing a lawn, home repairs, a mortgage.. I don’t know. We thought about it after my SLP’s mother died, but for us to move out of the house would take a lot of work because there is just a lot of stuff. Not all of it is even savable, but it means something to my SLP so I can’t get rid of it he has to and unfortunately he probably won’t.

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m happy with the things that I’m doing like my job, volunteering and singing at church and they are things that I’ve missed greatly, but my SLP does not fully support me in these endeavors. He thinks they are just going to be passing fads I seem to cycle through like cross stitching, knitting, painting, drawing- that sort of stuff. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I just wish my SLP would me more than tell me that I can’t do things like this. Maybe I need to give my support in order to get his support. I can’t say that I’ve supported him recently in anything other than a surgery a while ago. I’m told that I’m not supportive to him, but I don’t know what I need to be supportive of. Am I supposed to support his choice to sleep nearly all day? No, because that’s not something that I want to support. Like I said, I don’t even know anymore.

Being Sick and Dreams

Let me tell you, dreams while running a fever are rather interesting. I don’t know that they are stranger than my normal dreams. Yesterday, I was home sick, puking my guts out when I woke up, and again later in the afternoon/early evening. My dreams while I was sleeping were focusing around things that were hot, like I fell asleep on a frying pan next to a grilled cheese that was being made. In another dream, I was walking around in a desert wearing all black clothing with a winter coat and snow boots on, then I stumbled upon an oasis, stripped down to my birthday suit and jumped into the water. It started out as relaxing in cool water, but then it turned into a boiling pot with macaroni noodles in it. Apparently I was hungry for something with cheese. But considering I couldn’t even keep saltine crackers and water down, any food was out of the question.

Somehow, I managed to get nearly 20 hours of sleep. I do feel a bit more rested, but I wish I could have slept a little longer, or maybe even taken another day off work. That would have been fabulous. Though I honestly really truly hate calling in. I always end up feeling worse calling in than how I feel when I am sick. Not awesome.

This is probably only the second time I remember throwing up while being sick since I was a little kid- so 20 years or so. Other times I have thrown up were alcohol induced, so those don’t count.

Anyway, speaking of dreams, I’ve had some lately where I wake up and forget most of what I’ve dreamt about. That’s a shame really because the bits and pieces that I remember are pretty awesome. So, the rest of this post is going to be about those dream bits that I can remember.

Dream 1: I was in Russia walking along a bridge and was covered and had like little shops and stores. I remember walking out of one of the shops and bumping into this tall lady who was dressed all in black. She had a hooded cloak on that was pulled just far enough over her face that it was casting a shadow so you couldn’t see her facial features except her eyes that were glowing blue. I told her I was sorry about bumping into her, and she just looked at me confused. I told her to hold on a moment, got out my phone and opened up the Google translate app and used that to tell her that I was sorry in Russian. She looked at me again, even more confused and then said, “I understand that you are sorry young one, I just don’t understand what you are sorry about.”

I was shocked that she didn’t understand I was apologizing for bumping in to her. I explained that to her and she replied that she was unfamiliar with the actions of the locals. I told her that I was not from Russia and that I was on vacation. She looked happy then, asking if I was from Pandoleenaka. I told her no, I was from Wisconsin.

Dream 2: I was at a house that was occupied by my aunt and she was having a family get together. I remember trying to get ready for it and I had some hot rollers in my hair to make it curly. I went to take one of the rollers out of my hair, and as I started to unroll it, just came out with my hair still attached to it but it was melted to the roller. I freaked out and took the rest of the hot rollers out and was lucky that none of the other rollers melted my hair. Later on in that dream, I was at my parent’s house helping out with a garage sale they were having and they asked what I wanted for dinner so I said stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. They ordered it and I ate it. Then later again still at my parents after the garage sale was done for the day, I took off running in the back yard like I was getting ready to do the triple jump from track and field, but instead of landing in a pit of sand, huge angel wings sprouted from my back and I took off flying in the air. I was flying as high as the wings could take me and then diving to just barely above the ground before flying up again.

 

Well, That’s Annoying…

I’ve realized a few things that are annoying- well there is a lot, but I’ll just mention a few. First being, I do not like certain actresses, but really enjoyed movies they were in. For example, The Avengers, I’m not a fan of Scarlett Johansson, but she does kick some serious ass as Black Widow, still don’t like her though. Another example would be Kristen Stewart.. not a fan. However, I did enjoy Snow White and the Huntsman last night when I saw it but not because of her. Speaking of Kristen Stewart, there is only one movie that I have ever considered walking out of the theater and that was Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1. Honestly, how sodding boring is that? She’s just sitting there getting the life sucked out of her by her kid that really should not have even be born- considering Edward is technically dead, therefor should not have any living sperm. Just saying, lol. But still, that movie was so boring; I considered breaking the rule of having my phone out to do something other than watch that crap on the screen. I suppose I could have taken a nap too. Generally I have enjoyed nearly all the movies I’ve seen.

Another thing that I find rather annoying, is that a few posts ago, I mentioned my current dislike for the band Hanson. Well, I got bored the other night and was on SoundCloud listening to some music on there and came across a new song of theirs. Yeah.. I liked it enough to want to listen to some of their other new stuff. It’s not bad, and somehow it’s what I expected of them. I don’t know why I expected something like that from them, but maybe the way their music has progressed through the years, it’s what they’ve decided is their sound. As much as I like some of their new songs, it’s not enough to make me like them as much as I used to. There’s still a lot of personal history connected to their older songs that I can’t really listen to them without those past memories coming back and that is something I want to avoid. I’ve already dealt with it, and it’s the past. Maybe someday I’ll be able to talk about it, but now is not the time or place. Speaking of Hanson, since I liked them before it was cool to like them back in the day, does that make me a hipster? Man I hope not, because I am so not hipster material.

Hrmm.. What else is annoying to me? Well a lot of things actually, so I don’t really know what else to mention here. The rest are going to be more along the lines of complaints but still things that are annoying to me. But anyway, maybe something from work I suppose. In the job that I hold, I get between 300 and 400 phone calls a day and I’ve estimated that I probably speak to twice as many people on the phone. One of the things that tends to annoy me the most besides asshole attorneys calling about claims status are people calling in saying “I just got a call from this number.” Really? Wow. Good job at listening to your voicemail before calling in. Most of the time it’s for a claim, but I still have to ask if it’s for a quote or a claim. Since it’s a claim, then I have to ask for a claim number. Most of the time people don’t have that with them because it’s “at home with all the other papers for the claim.” If I had to guess, I’d say about 65-75% of the calls are for claims. Kind of annoying that people don’t know how to use the automated system to get to the claims area, but if they did, I may not have a job. So I suppose it’s one of those annoying blessings.

Something else that annoys me greatly is people talking with stuff in their mouth. First of all, it’s disgusting to see people talking with food in their mouth. Secondly, it’s hard to understand what they are saying. How hard is it to wait a few extra seconds to finish chewing the food before talking, was something really that important that it had to be said that particular moment? Ugh. Lol.

Ooh, something I was just reminded of that is rather annoying, bad hold music. Since I’m on hold to the help desk right now for work, I’ve got some pretty bad and cheesy hold music going on in my ear. Some of the hold music for the company I work for isn’t bad, but this one is terrible.

I guess this is going to be a shorter post today since I’m running out of time and I don’t really want to keep going on and on and on about that lol. There is a lot more things that I could complain about, but I will refrain from that.

Complaints Round 2

I think I’ve finally caught up on that elusive sleep this weekend. By the way, people are assholes. Not like that has anything to do with sleeping in this weekend. But still. “I’m looking for *insert name here* can you let me know what state she works out of?” No I can’t let you know what state she works out of let alone know if she is in the office or not. Doesn’t help that the dude I just had on the phone was being a prick. I could care less that you just retired and that you don’t have your paperwork with you. Maybe you should’ve had your shit together before calling.

Anyway, back to the sleep. Yep, I slept in this weekend. At least on Sunday I did, and I’m feeling a bit more rested today. I like sleeping in, but a lot of the time I still manage to wake up at a non-sleeping in time- which is rather annoying. Sunday, I managed to sleep in until 10:00 am, which I think is a record lately in my attempts to sleep in. However, I didn’t get out of bed until closer to 2:00 pm. I just stayed in bed, all comfy under the covers reading and playing games on my phone. I did end up calling my Spouse-Like-Person around 2:00 asking him to bring me some food upstairs because I didn’t want to get out of bed yet. Apparently I woke up the gump and he complained that I don’t need to eat in bed, and that I can get my own food and that eating upstairs is not allowed. Not allowed, eh? Well I’ll show him. I’ve eaten upstairs before and in my bed, so I’m not sure what his issue is. He’s just as refreshing as a Summer’s Eve (douche for those that don’t get that horrible reference). Lol.

So, speaking of complaining, he’s also been bitching that I’ve been playing the anxiety card too much for avoiding the gym. Yeah, so maybe I have been milking that a bit, I still can’t really go when there are a lot of people around. So I’m probably going to be putting my membership up on Craigslist or something in hopes that someone will want to buy it. I’ve wasted a lot of money on this stupid thing, and that’s the more annoying part. But if my SLP wasn’t so fucking money hungry, I wouldn’t have this problem. Everything that has to do with him has money at the core of it. He doesn’t have a job, but is still receiving money from when his mother died a few years ago. Before that he didn’t work either, but was receiving money from the government. It just really pisses me off because he is fully capable of holding an office job where he can sit all day. But of course, he could never do that because he’s bound to find something wrong with sitting all day, or that he can’t handle sitting all day because of some sort of medical issue. Well, depending where you work, they can be accommodating with special super comfy chairs, or an exercise ball to sit on at your desk, or have a desk like I do that can be raised and lowered to stand while working (which I absolutely love by the way). It’s just a shame that he feels entitled to the money that I earn at work because he’s my partner. We are not legally married, so technically, he has no say over the money I earn or even my life insurance policy I get through work. He’s listed himself as the primary beneficiary without even asking me. I actually had plans for that and they don’t include him receiving 100% of the pay out if I die. Yeah, that’s not happening.

Yeah, just a shame in general that he can’t act like the responsible adult he should be. He sleeps all damn day, but says that he’s up during the night, so sleeping all day is ok, if that’s actually the case. I just don’t understand him. He’s been milking this “med change” thing for way too long. Though if I bring it up, he’ll just get pissy and start turning it around on me and how I’m not handling my life responsibly. According to him, I’m ruining my life by not taking care of myself, my eating habits are atrocious and I just don’t take care of myself in general. Oh, I’m sorry. I go to work five days a week, get yelled at over the phone about things that are above and beyond my control. I come home to a house that is not always clean, but it’s usually my fault it’s not clean according to my SLP because I don’t do anything around the house. Oh, and apparently it’s my fault that I don’t spend a lot of time with my SLP anymore. Like hell that’s my fault. If he didn’t sleep all day, he’d be up when I got home, then we could do stuff together, then go to sleep. But why would I even want to spend time with something that has to continuously talk through EVERYTHING. I can’t even watch a tv show without getting pissed off because he can’t keep his trap shut. Movies are just ruined for me because he’s always talking though them, even in theaters, he’ll lean over and whisper something or ask a question. I have asked him nicely to stop talking and he doesn’t, so I have to get more rude and louder to ask him to shut up. Then he’ll get mad at me for rudely telling him to shut up. What am I even supposed to do then? I tell him I asked nicely the first eighty bajillion times, which he ignored. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do at that point anymore. Whatever I end up doing is wrong, so I’m at the point where I just give up.

Which brings me to my next few thoughts; do I leave my SLP or stay with him? I don’t even know anymore. I sometimes feel like the only reason I stay with him is because it’s comfortable and mostly safe. I have a roof over my head, no worries of being evicted, vehicles to use and a place to generally call home. In the long run though, am I truly safe there? His constant belittling and telling me what I’ve done wrong all the time does annoy me and wear me down, and grate on my last never. But for whatever reason, I’m still there.

Side note, I just had some guy call in and his last name was Muse. I just made a fool of myself telling him that I loved his last name and it’s the name of my favorite band. I think I confused him more than anything lol. I’ve also told people with British and Australian accents that I loved their accents when I’ve had on the phone and apparently made them blush- or so they say.

Anyway, lol, that was a fun tangent to ramble off on. I did have a dream last night that I seem to have every month. For the longest time, it was a series of dreams where I would have a conversation with each of my grandparents that have died. In the beginning it was like each night I would have a dream with a grandparent in it, but more recently it all of my grandparents and I sitting around my kitchen table just having a conversation about normal everyday stuff.  One conversation with one of my grandmothers started out with her asking how I was doing, what was new in life. I told her that I was fine, confused about some personal things, and then asked how she was. She replied that she was bowling over Australia and had gotten a near perfect game. When I was little and scared of thunderstorms, my mom would tell me that it was just my grandmother bowling in heaven and each time it thundered, it was the ball rolling down the lane and the lightening was my grandmother getting a strike.

So, those dreams I won’t type up to put on the Dreams page because they happen each month and there isn’t anything spectacular that happens in them. Mostly, it’s just a conversation with my grandparents about things going on in my life. I think it’s just my brains way of trying to figure things out that are worrying me, confusing me, or are exciting things happening in my life at the time of the dream.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to get this wrapped up as I’m getting a new laptop at work instead of a desktop. I’m excited. Should be fun!

I Don’t Even Know…

Oh my goodness, what a busy weekend! Spent nearly all of it at my parents so I am in parental overload right now and don’t particularly want to see them until this next weekend when I go to church. I need a week to decompress and catch up on sleep if at all possible. I almost did this morning and ended up being 20 minutes late to work. So not how I wanted to start the day, let alone the week. But, regardless of all of that, my weekend was wonderful and I got to spend a lot of time with my nephew. I think this last month is the most time I’ve spent with my nephew since he was born. I’m glad that he misses me when I’m not around him and asks about me. He is such a little ham and I love him a lot. Totally excited for his sibling to be born in September, he’s going to be a wonderful big brother.

Easter was good, my mom said she didn’t get me any Peeps, but one of my aunties surprised me with a small basket with some Peeps and some new nail polish colors along with some healthy snacks. I freaking loooooooooove Peeps. Besides blowing them up in the microwave on graham crackers to make s’mores, I poke holes in the packaging to let them get hard. That’s the best way to eat them.

Hey, Happy Opening Day for baseball! Go Brewers! The place I work decided to allow sports apparel to be worn along with tennis shoes and sneakers, though I have worn my Converse All Stars frequently in the past when I was in my old position. With the new one, I haven’t worn them as much yet. Anyway, I bought two new Brewers shirts the other week because I couldn’t decide what one I liked better so I got both. That’s the logical thing to do right? Lol.

Hrmm.. what else is new.. Not a whole lot actually. I did realize this weekend that I have the piano music to ‘Norwegian Wood’ by The Beatles memorized apparently.  I printed out a bunch of sheet music on Friday, probably abusing my printer privileges at work. Anyway, one of the ones I printed was ‘The Scientist’ by Coldplay and I trying to learn it while my nephew was over at my parents and he wanted to hear my play something else. I didn’t have the piano book that has Norwegian Wood in it with me, but I was able to play it anyway for my little man. He had like five seconds worth of interest in my playing and then ran off to do something else. I didn’t expect much less from a two and a half year old, but it’s still sweet he wanted me to play something. After he ran off, I played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for him and he started singing it in the other room.

After my nephew left, I helped my mom fill and hide about 120 plastic Easter eggs in the basement for the little kids of the family to find on Sunday. I didn’t think we’d find enough spots for them, but we did. Usually they would be hidden outside and it would be a free for all, but with the snow still on the ground, it was muddy and a little cold out.

I dunno, looks like I’m rambling again so I’ll stop that. I also realized that I may or may not have a crush on a co-worker.. which is annoying. I know I shouldn’t be “looking” or anything because of being with my SLP, but damn, my SLP drives me insane some days and I find myself wondering if I should leave him. I can’t ever decide though because I’m too wishy washy about it and comfortable where I am. I do know though, that if it gets to the point where I am not comfortable in the situation, I will be leaving. So I guess, I can still have crushes (are they even called that at my age?) on people and still be with my SLP. I’d never act on said crushes or cheat on my SLP. The horrible thing about this crush, is that he sits like diagonally across from me, so I see him every time I look up. It also doesn’t hurt that he has a nice voice to listen to. Man.. I’m doomed. But like I said before, I’m not looking to cheat or anything, but he’s just cute and nice and polite and is rather quiet. My SLP is not quiet, always talking while we watch tv shows, when we watch movies at home and sometimes at the theater. It’s like constant chatter from the moment I get home to when I go to bed. I talk to people all day on the phone at work. I don’t really wish to do a lot of talking when I get home. I think a lot of my SLP’s problem is, is that he’s home all day alone with two cats and some fish, so he doesn’t really socialize much. He doesn’t work, does a lot of sleeping during the day and does not do a whole lot around the house while I’m at work.

However, I was pleasantly surprised that he did actually clean the main level of the house. Only things left downstairs are scrubbing/mopping/washing the kitchen floor, I must say that I love my Swiffer Wet Jet. It is fabulous and even better it’s the red one. As for the upstairs, I said that I would clean that. It’s only the room that I occupy and the bathroom. So I may do that when I get home today. Might as well because then the house is relatively clean.

Oh, and before I end this post, I want to complain lol. I finally called the gym I have a membership at to see what I need to do to cancel the membership. Looks like I’m stuck because I signed a contract. Bastards. Even if it were medically necessary for me to cancel the member ship, the most they can do is just put the membership on hold for an extended period of time. The only options I have available to me are to put it on hold for up to three months without a doctor’s letter, or longer with the letter explaining why it needs to be put on hold. However, if the membership is put on hold, then the months are just tacked on to the end of the membership and I would still have to pay for them. The other option would be to sell my membership to someone and pay a one-time transfer fee. Not worth the headache since my membership ends next March. Since I’m stuck with it, I may as well just suck it up and go, but only at night and on the weekends when there is not a lot of people there. Damnit anxiety, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?

Just a Post to Ramble On…

I figure today is going to be a day that I complain. My SLP wants me to cancel my gym membership. I’m actually ok with that and ready to be done with the gym. I was just having a conversation with my friend, who also has a membership at the same gym, and she said that if she is already changed into workout clothes, she is able to just go in, get on a machine and go. She doesn’t notice the people around her. I told her that I can’t not notice the people when I walk into the gym, and then I see all of these fit people; it just makes me massively discouraged. I know that weight loss is a long journey and there are no overnight solutions for it.

 

One of the last times I went to the gym, some lady next to me on one of the bikes said, “You see all these fit people and that is what you strive for. The fit people see you and that’s what they work towards not becoming.” Oh yeah, that’s going to make a female with massive self-image issues feel oh so much better about herself. The thing about that lady that struck me as odd, is that she also said she uses that as motivation for herself, but she is a much larger lady than I am, or was at the time I last saw her.

 

I think if I had to describe myself, I would pick ‘husky’ from Gabriel Iglesias’s levels of fatness. If he used to describe himself as ‘fluffy’ then I would definitely be ‘husky’ on his scale.

 

 

Thanks to Pinterest, I’ve found a lot of daily workouts to try at home. So losing the gym membership really won’t hurt me in any way since I stopped going. I keep telling myself that next week is going to be the week I start exercising and working out again, then next week arrives and I just tell myself again that next week will be the week. But hopefully, this next week since it’s also the start of a new month I will start working out at home. I think it’s a good opportunity and I’ll have to set myself some goals to achieve as well.

 

Another thing I wanted to ramble about was that it is Easter weekend. Yay Easter! I think I’m more excited about helping my nephew color eggs tonight at my parents. He’s still a little too young to fully grasp the whole resurrection story, which is fine because I think he’s more excited about looking for eggs and getting an Easter basket from the ‘Easter Bunny.’ Eh, what can you do, the kid is going to turn three this year.

 

Also happening this weekend, two of my favorite television shows are airing new episodes, Game of Thrones and Doctor Who. I’m so excited those two are back! Until this year, I hadn’t really watched any GoT episodes, but my SLP and I would do mini marathons over the weekends and now we are both hooked. DW, we started watching when it was on the Sci-Fi channel a few years ago when it was rebooted with Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor.

 

And speaking of Doctor Who, I’m going to leave you with this…

Dreams and Church

So, I had a weirdish dream last night and typed up as much as I could remember and put it here if you would like to read it. Probably not though cause it’s not really that interesting.

Another thing I’d like to touch on today since it is Sunday, is church. I didn’t realize how much I actually missed going to church until I started going again. For some reason I feel like it gives me a partial purpose in life. I say partial because I still don’t know what my full purpose in life is yet, though I secretly hope it’s something spectacular and special. But with my luck it probably won’t be. I’m not going to push my religion on you and say that if you don’t go to church you soul is going to be damned to hell for all eternity. I’m also not going to say going to church is the greatest thing in the world either. I will say that I think I enjoy going is to see people who care about me and welcome me no matter how I look or how much weight I’ve gained since they have last saw me. There is a safe feeling about going to church because no matter who you are or what your background or things going on in your personal life, these people at my church will always accept you for who you are and not what you are. Ever since I was a baby, my parents have taken my brother and I to church every Sunday for the 8:00 service. When my brother got his drivers license, I think he was given the choice of going or not going and from what I can remember, he still went with us. When I was in I high school, I still went every Sunday with my parents until the church added a Saturday night service that started at 5:00. There were some weekends that I got a triple dose of church because of various things the senior high kids did and when I was part of a music group at church. After I turned 18 and moved out of my parents house, I pretty much stopped going to church except for Christmas and Easter and a few other times. Though starting this year, I’ve gone more than I have in the last few years. I have also been thinking about joining that musical group again since they are still providing the music for the Saturday night service every other week.

I have also volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does each Wednesday during the school year called Logos. Though I won’t start until this next school year since the current one is almost done. When I told my SLP about it, I knew he’d have a bad reaction. He’s not too thrilled that I will be gone every Wednesday for a few hours each night after work. I didn’t see what the big deal was about it. I’m actually excited and looking forward to doing it. I did this program when it first started 15 years ago and continued until I moved out. I was having a conversation with SLP’s step mom last night and I told her about my plans and what his reaction was.  She didn’t see anything wrong with me wanting to do this and said “What’s wrong with that? You will probably enjoy it and grow your circle of friends… THAT would be the problem.” I told her that my SLP has said on multiple occasions that he doesn’t like my church because it’s so big and constantly growing and that it is “too big for their britches.” She also made a point when she asked if my SLP ever supports my interests, and if not, take him up on counseling just to point it out. I told her that he doesn’t really support anything I do unless it benefits him in some way. Unfortunately, the more I think about that, it’s true. I was under the impression that part of the spouses job in a marriage is to always support their other half in life and in their interests.

I’ll have to write another post about my SLP later. He just drives me up the wall with his behavior and honestly deserves an entire post on his own, sadly. It’s also sort of late and I need to get to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow. For those of you that are reading this, I hope you all had a good weekend and the week won’t drag on too much for you this week. Next weekend enjoy your chocolate bunny and marshmallow Peep induced comas, I know I will!

Random Musings

For a while now, I have been dying to plan a ’30th Birthday Two Week Extravaganza Super Fun Time’ in England and Scotland. However, each time I bring the idea up to my spouse like person, he always shoots it down saying we don’t have the money. Then he usually goes on to say that he wants to travel around the United States because there is so much to see here before going international again. The last time I went international for more than a few hours a day while I was on a cruise recently, was in 2007 when we went to the Bahamas for a week. So for me, the appeal to go out of the US for a vacation for a week or more is very high. Though honestly.. I do also mention that I want to have a string of one night stands to get knocked up lol. It’s all in good humor though, we’ve got a plan in place to have kids when we’re ready and that’s something else I’ll probably end up talking about on here eventually.

Anyway, looking towards the future.. When I was in high school, ten years ago this year, I always thought my future would be going to college at UW-Whitewater or UW-Superior to something with a history major. That’s the one subject in school that I have always loved, and still do. Then after graduating from whatever university I ended up going to, I’d find a job, find a husband, settle down and start a family. Boy, my life after high school was nothing like that except maybe the settling down part. My spouse like person and I have been together since high school, so 11 or 12 years now.. depending on how you look at it or depending on who you ask. Anyway, I tried to go to a technical college so I could stay on my parents health insurance (had to take so many credits) and eventually ended up dropping out. I couldn’t handle the experience at the time and my anxiety was so out of whack from it that I would get sick to my stomach even thinking about it or driving by the campus location. So from there I held a few different jobs, mostly in retail until about five years ago. But anyway, enough about the past for now, I tend to ramble a lot.

My new job at the same company I’ve been at since the end of August, beginning of September in 2008 as a temp until this last October when I finally got hired on as a full time employee. With this new job opportunity, I got all the goodies that go with a permanent full time position like health and dental insurance, sick leave, paid time off and vacation. I even got a week of vacation for being a new hire. That vacation was used up already in February when I went on a cruise (it was a Carnival cruise lol and no nothing went horribly wrong during my cruise other than the cabin we were in was hot like the air wasn’t fully running) and it was nice to not have to work some seriously cracked out hours to make up for missing like I have in the past any time we decided to go on a short vacation. I’d start work at 5am and work like 12 hours days to make sure I got my 40 hours in for the week, even coming in on my days off just to make sure I was not behind on work and hours for the week. But with this new job, I’m able to take time off when needed for things and I’m able to plan vacations without much thought of making sure I have enough in my paycheck with the PTO (paid time off).

Another perk of being a FTE (full time employee) is that there are opportunities for raises. For me raises mean more than I can put away to savings and paying down debt- not that I have a lot of debt, I’d say it’s up to my knees instead of my eyeballs. It’s also an opportunity to put that money towards getting the house fixed up and ready for children of my own. The house I live in is old and has many things that need fixing. We have a rain gutter in the front of the house that was damaged by snow and ice a few winters ago. The windows on the house (about 45 windows.. seriously) and 16 of those windows are single pane glass on the front porch that is like a I guess four-season porch. The windows in the house that are able to be opened are the old fashion rope and pulley mechanisms and for quite a few of them, the ropes have snapped or the windows don’t stay open. A lot of the screens are missing as well. Outside of the house also needs repainting. Inside of the house needs repainting, some of the electrical outlets upgraded and just a bunch of other stuff that needs to be done for it to be ready for kids. I haven’t even had my nephew over.. Mostly because my house looks like a disaster cause I can’t seem to keep it clean for more than a few days. Also because of the basement because that’s like a nightmare. The smell of old basement and water when it rains and snow melts just makes the rest of the house smell too. My plan is one weekend where I’ll have some additional time off, probably Memorial Day weekend, I’m going to go ape shit on my house and just get it cleaned.

So yeah.. Looking forward to the future. I guess there are a lot of things that I am looking forward to now. Cleaning my house Memorial Day weekend, a new nephew or niece entering the world in September, playing the piano again at my church, planning and getting ready to start my own family. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m really truly looking forward to what the future brings and what fate is going to be throwing at my face to deal with.