Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I’ve been having mixed feelings lately and I am really ashamed to admit that I have recently thought about cheating on my person. I don’t even know how I would go about doing that? I don’t go out and hit on people, and dating sites and the like scare me because I wonder how truthful people are on those. Even the more adult ones. I don’t know. I just don’t. Does this make me a bad person that I’ve thought about doing something like that? I know I’m not the only one that had thought about it, even in my own relationship with my person. I know he’s thought about it- we’ve even talked about it. I’m just too scared to talk to him about it. I know I’m not perfect by any means, but for some reason, me admitting I’ve thought about something like this is weak. I should be able to control my thoughts better than I have been. I actually don’t know what’s worse; thinking about cheating, not being able to control those thoughts, or seeing both of those things as a weakness.

I will be completely honest, my person and I haven’t done anything with each other in a very long time, at least a year. I just think I’m broken. I feel broken. Sure, things work, but mentally, I don’t know that I work or even if there is a connection anymore. That is probably due to my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been on this medication for six months now. I feel amazing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy again, but I still feel that part of me is missing. My person has made comments about he can see the old me, before the depression hit hard, starting to come out and he misses the old me. That may be, but I don’t know that I want the old pre-depression me to come back. I feel like a new person and I need to move forward with my life, not go back to how things used to be because I know that it won’t ever be like that again.

People change, and that’s something that is always going to happen. You can’t stop change just like you can’t stop the sun from setting. I didn’t intend on changing from the pre-depressed me to the me I am today. It just happened over time. Is this new me a cheater? Probably not. If given the opportunity, I think I might take it, but then I’d get to wherever the deed would happen and not be able to walk in. It’s just not me to cheat on my person. As much as he drives me insane, as much as I actually hate him at times, and as much as I want to strangle him, I would never ever cheat on him. I’m too loyal and I don’t know if I could ever live with myself if I did. Besides, my person would probably be more disappointed that he didn’t get to watch or be part of it lol. I’m not sure if that’s something that would interest me. It’s just a strange thought to me.

So, regardless of how much I think about it some days, toady being a day that it’s on my mind a lot for some reason, I would not be able to go through with it. If I do cheat on him with anything, it would be fictional characters in books. Falling in and out of love with them.. that’s just a temporary emotional bond and not exactly physically cheating.

But now that I mention that, I guess I did lie in a sense. I’ve been cheating on him with fictional characters from books for our entire relationship. But it’s not that physical bond, more emotional. Even then though, it’s not like it’s lasted any longer than the book or anything else beyond the words on the pages, so I suppose that’s not really cheating. If it were, there would be a lot of cheaters in the world.

The entire cheating aspect is like a naughty fantasy, and that’s all it ever would be. A fantasy, and one that would never come to fruition in my life. I think those thoughts are going to be stored away in my memory warehouse in the file with other things like getting it on with an actor that I have absolutely no chance with, let alone even meeting him.

For other people, I do understand why they cheat. No physical contact between each other, no emotional bond, and some do it just because that’s how they are. I don’t know that I’m any of those even though there is no physical connection between my person and I lately and certainly no emotional bond from me towards him.

I just feel lost.

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