Brief Update… And Yes I’m Still Alive

Why, hello there. Yes, it has been a while since I’ve posted anything here. Yes, I am sorry. A lot has happened since the last post. So far, mostly all good things and a few that have just been eh. So far all the good things are for me personally on a medical level. For the month of August, I have like a bazillion and one doctor appointments, education classes and an overnight study.

The overnight one is tonight and it’s to officially diagnose that I have sleep apnea. I’m actually a little scared to go to this one, mostly because I don’t know if I will be able to fall asleep. I suppose if I’m tired enough, I won’t have trouble falling asleep.

The other appointments are things that I need to go to for the eventual goal of surgery to assist with weight loss. Now, these appointments scare me a lot actually. I know that I’m ready for this change, but every now and then I get that little seed of doubt and it blooms into something that’s just there, constantly telling me that I’m not ready or worthy of this to make myself better. I think a lot of the reason why that seed gets planted is because when my person had surgery as well for weight loss, I saw that as cheating. I still honestly see it as cheating with him because he never tried to lose weight on his own. Hell, he’s gained some weight back because he has not truly changed his eating habits. The only thing he changed about it was portion size and how often he eats, but as for what sorts of foods he eats… Not the best choices. I’m not saying I’m any better in that area, especially considering I’ve eaten pizza probably eight days out of the last ten. So, not the best, but certainly not the worst.

So let’s see… other good news. I’m still working on my Batman project and have completed twenty-two parts and current word count sits at 56,962. That’s pretty impressive considering I’ve only been working a little over a month, I think.. it might be a little longer actually, but either way, it hasn’t been years like my Star Wars project. Anyway, it has surpassed my Star Wars project in terms of content and finished parts. SW has I think eleven or twelve parts that I have deemed done done done, and about ten other parts that are in the process of being written. Another thing about the SW project is that I started it way back in 1999 when Episode I came out and it’s nowhere near being finished. Since I first started writing it, it’s gone through some major overhauls and changes. But the base of it is the same and I don’t know that I will ever get it finished. I think that’s just going to be one of those things that I go back to every so often to work on.

It’s weird and strangely comforting to go back and read the original writing for that, and any of my other writing, actually. It helps me see how much I’ve grown as a writer and even my handwriting over the years.

I don’t know, I’m rambling again.. So I guess that means I should end the post before I really go off on some whacked out tangent.

Cheers!

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Bring on the Stupid and I’m Sorry…

I’ve decided that I’m ready for the stupid today. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be bad. I’m sure it’s also going to be a busier than normal Monday as well because of the holiday weekend.

Not meaning to change the subject, but I kind of need to. I kind of feel like I’m forcing myself to write posts for this lately. It’s not that I’ve lost interest in posting on here, I just haven’t had interesting dreams lately and I feel like I’m beating a dead horse with my complaints. I’ve also been devoting nearly all of my writing time to my Batman project. So far I’ve got quite a lot done on it, though I have no idea how to end it. I just haven’t gotten to a point where I need to start thinking about how to end it.

I’ve also gotten back into beading and making bracelets for myself. They are pretty awesome if I do say so myself lol.

Other than that, there isn’t much that is new with me. Oh! I officially own a house now and I don’t know how to feel about that really. I sort of see it as something permanent and tying me to a relationship that I still don’t know if I want to be in. Well, I do want to be in the relationship, but we’ve just been going through some rough spots and a long dry spell that sometimes makes it hard for me to see anything positive out of the relationship.

But with the new mortgage and signing those papers, it feels as though I’m moving on to a new chapter in my life and I’m actually excited for what the future is going to bring. It’s a fabulous feeling when things fall into place.

I’ll try to post something at least once a week here, but I’m hoping to post twice. We’ll see how it works out. Until the next post, have a lovely day!

Short and Sweet.. Like Me

Heyyy… I promise, I didn’t forget about posting on here. Just been a little preoccupied with some other things lately; tree damage in my yard from recent storms, got into beading again and got hit in the head by my creative writing muse. So I have been working on a bit of something Batman related. I’ve only shared it with two people, and I don’t know that I would ever share it with anyone else. I’m so not confident in my own writing skills. The things that I have share with people, they have told me it’s good and stuff, but I still feel as if it’s just really boring and the plot is something that’s been written about so many times that no one would want to read it because it’s boring. That’s something that I worry a bit about on here, but then I just take a step back and realize that no one really reads this blog like thing except maybe a few people, and those few people actually know me, so it’s just like I’m writing an email to them or something.

Other than the above, things are starting to look up for me. The last week in June, my person will be going to visit his parents for a week or a little longer so I will have the house to myself. EXCITING! I am starting to make some plans for that week. Nothing huge, but we have a small bathroom downstairs that I want to make over- wallpaper needs to come down and some fresh paint.

Another thing that has been exciting for me would be a few work related things. First being that I got to train the new person in the department. I lucked out though because I have previously worked with her and trained her before so I knew her style and how hard I could push. I still have my doubts that I did a bad job training, but I think that’s because I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. Apparently, I’m also going to be training another new person in July. We’ll see how that goes because I don’t know this person or her style of learning a new job so I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to be that one person people hate because I train like a drill sergeant or something.

The second and last thing for now that I’m excited about for work is that I think I’ve finally come up with a goal. To eventually be the manager of the department I’m in now. I think currently I’m on track, however I do need to get one of those fancy pieces of paper saying that I graduated from a business management course at a college level. I suppose that’s doable and I’m not as scared to go to college like I was the first time. Since I’ve been on my medication, my depression has nearly gone away now and I’ve become quite the social butterfly compared to how I was before. My anxiety has all dropped as well. Sure, I’m still going to be depressed and anxious about things, but it won’t be as bad as it was without this medication. I just feel much better and happier as well.

I think that’s going to be it for this post, short and sweet. I hope all of you that are this blog have a wonderful weekend and Father’s Day!

Life Sucks

Wow, talk about interesting weekend. Friday after work, I went out with some co-workers for drinks. I felt bad because I’m always too broke to be able to participate in stuff like that, and I was also massively tired so since I was sort of forced to go, I didn’t plan to stay long so I could go home and go to bed early. With all my good intentions of not drinking and leaving early, that didn’t happen. I ended up having a few drinks and staying until about 10:30ish. It was actually a lot of fun and I found out some interesting things about some people that I work with, and was also given more reasons to dislike some of the people that I work with.

There were some awkward moments Friday night…mostly between myself and another co-worker. I know that it only happened because he was drunk, but I’m not going to lie, the attention was nice and rather flattering. It’s interesting to see how “beer goggles” work. There were quite a few I love you’s said from this particular co-worker and I kept telling him to save those for his wife. Then as I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed me cheek a few times. Again, the attention was nice, but it was only because he was drunk.

Another thing I found out about the co-workers I went out with was that they think I weigh less than I really do. I’m not sure if they are being nice or what, but it was nice to know that they think I’m not as heavy as I really am.

Saturday was pretty good, slept until about 2:00 that afternoon- which is something I did not mean to do. I got up with my alarm that morning, but decided that I was just going to stay in bed all day and then fell back asleep.

Then there’s Sunday. Started out just fine, went over to my parents, spent the day with my mom and helped organize some things in the basement. Then dinner came around. I had to run home to get my Spouse-Like-Person, and when I walked in the door he said that we had to go get water for the fish tank. The store we get it from closes at 6:00 pm on Sunday and it was around 5:25 when I got home and dinner was supposed to be at 5:30. I was pissed. There was no reason why I had to go to the stupid store to get water with him. If he had better time management skills, he could have started cleaning the fish tank earlier in the day, had time to go get the water, and then we could have gone right back to my parents.

Dinner was bad. Not that it tasted bad, in fact it was delicious, but the “dinner discussion” was bad. Basically my dad ripped my SLP a new one. It’s the second time since I have been with my SLP that this has happened. The first time was after he finished mowing the lawn at my house and my SLP was mad that I didn’t defend him or take his side. I just stood there silent with tears streaming down my face. Same thing happened last night, my dad just basically went off and my SLP stood his ground a bit and fired back at my dad. I sat there stunned and again silent, but then started to cry. My SLP looked to me to say something and when I didn’t he got mad at me. I told him afterwards when we were at home that I agreed with my dad on a lot of those issues. Let’s face it. My SLP and I are not ready to take care of a house. We do not have the money and we are not able to do a lot of the work ourselves, so it going to cost even more to have the work done by someone else.

I asked my SLP on the way home last night if he wants to stay in the house. He said that he wants to make it our home. I’m not going to lie. That scares me a bit because I’m not sure that I want a future with my SLP.

I don’t even know what I want in life anymore. I’m not sure I want to have kids. I don’t know if I even want to be married or with someone for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. If I could figure out what I want out of life, it would help a lot. I am actually quite scared to move forward in life because the unknown is scary and I don’t know that I can handle whatever else life decides to throw my way.

Not Even Sure What to Title This…

I guess it’s kind of been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here; I’ve been kind of busy. Between helping my parents with a massive five day garage sale (they are kind of crazy), singing at church and dealing with a grumpy Spouse-Like-Person… it has either been happy or irritating.

So, I will start with the garage sale. My parents have been purging their house since they had to empty out the kitchen to remodel it back in February. My mom has been calling it a pre-estate sale so my brother and I don’t have too much stuff to try and deal with for when they die. With my parents purging their house, I’ve been bringing some things home with me that I want to keep. My SLP is having major issues with that. Some of the stuff I’ve brought home is kind of silly and I think to myself, what in the world am I going to do with that. While other things I’ve brought home, I have an emotional attachment to that I am not quite ready to get rid of. Other things are useful to me, like a sewing machine that’s old, but a lot better than the one we have. But my SLP was the exact name and model number of the sewing machine I brought home to see what it is worth to sell. Umm.. nope. I’m not going to sell it. Not yet at least. Sure it’s an older machine and a pain in the ass to thread the bobbin, but it sews beautifully, and a lot better than the other one. My SLP thinks he knows everything about the other machine, not mine, because he read the manual that came with it. I don’t care, but every time I try to sew on it, the bobbin gets all mangled because he fucked with the tension settings and now no matter what fabric I’m sewing the bobbin gets messed up.

Because of the garage sale, I’ve been spending a lot of time over at my parents to help get ready for the sale, help write up things for Craigslist and show my mom how to put ads up as well as helping each night after work during the week and on the weekend as well. As I’m sure you can guess, my SLP had issues with me being gone so much and helping my parents more than I “help out around the house.” He’s upset because I didn’t call when I was going to be later than I planned. At least I get that one, worried something might have happened like a flat tire or I’m upside down in a ditch somewhere.

Next thing would be singing with a choir like group at church on Saturday night. He’s upset with me because I didn’t talk with him before committing myself to this. Ok, I honestly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, practice on Thursday night before the Saturday we sing. And! It’s only every other week. So really, not that big of a deal. He’s also upset because I volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does called LOGOS every Wednesday night during the school year. His line of thinking is that it’s for people with kids and old people. He has said it’s just weird that I’m helping because I have no kids. Fine, let it be weird, but at this point I’m not even sure that I will ever have kids, so this will have to do.

Speaking of church and singing, I’m not sure I like the director of the group I sing with. She’s kind of snotty and a little rude sometimes and even bossy. Though I suppose she has a right to be bossy, but not snotty. She’s also not too keen with some of the staff of the church. Not sure what her problem is, but there’s no reason to say bad things about them. However, I’m trying to convince her that Starlight by Muse would be a good song to do one Saturday night.

My SLP asked why I was doing the singing at church. Honestly, I thought that I would be playing piano, just the left hand (lower notes), and not singing. But I’m singing now, and that’s not too bad and I kind of actually like singing. I told him that I missed it. He asked what I missed. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I missed about it, but I didn’t want to say something that he would just end up using against me later on. I missed being part of something that’s fun. He figured as much and said that if I missed being part of something that there are other things that I can be a part of and not just stuff at my church. He also told me not to get too comfortable because I might have to switch churches because my SLP does not like my church due to its size. It is large physically, as well as large member wise. My SLP thinks that when we have kids (if ever now) that we should go to a neutral church that neither of us have been to nor been members of. The one he wants to go to is an ok one, and I wouldn’t mind it, except I really like my church and the people there and I’ve been a member there all my life and I don’t see myself changing churches. Does that make me a bad person? I really hope not. To be honest, I don’t even think that my SLP would even go to church if we were to ever have kids.

Out of all of this, I think he’s just more upset that I didn’t spend a lot of time with him this past week. But for him to tell me to not get too comfortable in my own church and the activities that I do there.

Another thing that I’m actually more upset about than I thought was yesterday I was able to talk to my sister-in-law about my nephew being baptized soon and who they were thinking for God Parents. As it turns out, she was thinking one person who absolutely adores my nephew. My brother was thinking about another couple who would actually be great God Parents. I’m just kind of upset that I wasn’t even in the running for it. I have a feeling it’s because of my SLP.

No one in my family really likes my SLP- they mostly think he is a lazy ass that doesn’t do much around the house and I’m the one that ends up doing it all. Most of the time they would be correct. He mostly sleeps all day, complains about money that I spend (that I earn by working a full time job by the way), constantly telling me that my eating habits are bad and that I should eat better (really? Like I don’t already know that), that I would make a bad parent because I only think of myself and wouldn’t take care of the kid and finally about how I do nothing around the house. I don’t do a lot around the house because a lot of the time I don’t care. I also feel that because I was the one that tried to keep the house clean so many times before he would even help or think about helping that it’s just not my turn to care anymore. I will give him this though, he has been cleaning at night when I’m sleeping, but it’s not clean clean like I want it to be. I’m still planning on doing some massive cleaning some weekend, but my cleaning is also going to be purging the house. I should have done that sooner and had stuff at the garage sale my parents just had, would have been perfect. Now, I’ll have to wait until the fall to see if I could maybe have some stuff at a garage sale one of my aunties will be having. I have decided that if I do have stuff at the next “family” garage sale, I’m not sharing whatever I end up making with my SLP.

My dad brought up the fact that it would probably be better if my SLP and I moved into a condo. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing a lawn, home repairs, a mortgage.. I don’t know. We thought about it after my SLP’s mother died, but for us to move out of the house would take a lot of work because there is just a lot of stuff. Not all of it is even savable, but it means something to my SLP so I can’t get rid of it he has to and unfortunately he probably won’t.

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m happy with the things that I’m doing like my job, volunteering and singing at church and they are things that I’ve missed greatly, but my SLP does not fully support me in these endeavors. He thinks they are just going to be passing fads I seem to cycle through like cross stitching, knitting, painting, drawing- that sort of stuff. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I just wish my SLP would me more than tell me that I can’t do things like this. Maybe I need to give my support in order to get his support. I can’t say that I’ve supported him recently in anything other than a surgery a while ago. I’m told that I’m not supportive to him, but I don’t know what I need to be supportive of. Am I supposed to support his choice to sleep nearly all day? No, because that’s not something that I want to support. Like I said, I don’t even know anymore.

Complaints Round 2

I think I’ve finally caught up on that elusive sleep this weekend. By the way, people are assholes. Not like that has anything to do with sleeping in this weekend. But still. “I’m looking for *insert name here* can you let me know what state she works out of?” No I can’t let you know what state she works out of let alone know if she is in the office or not. Doesn’t help that the dude I just had on the phone was being a prick. I could care less that you just retired and that you don’t have your paperwork with you. Maybe you should’ve had your shit together before calling.

Anyway, back to the sleep. Yep, I slept in this weekend. At least on Sunday I did, and I’m feeling a bit more rested today. I like sleeping in, but a lot of the time I still manage to wake up at a non-sleeping in time- which is rather annoying. Sunday, I managed to sleep in until 10:00 am, which I think is a record lately in my attempts to sleep in. However, I didn’t get out of bed until closer to 2:00 pm. I just stayed in bed, all comfy under the covers reading and playing games on my phone. I did end up calling my Spouse-Like-Person around 2:00 asking him to bring me some food upstairs because I didn’t want to get out of bed yet. Apparently I woke up the gump and he complained that I don’t need to eat in bed, and that I can get my own food and that eating upstairs is not allowed. Not allowed, eh? Well I’ll show him. I’ve eaten upstairs before and in my bed, so I’m not sure what his issue is. He’s just as refreshing as a Summer’s Eve (douche for those that don’t get that horrible reference). Lol.

So, speaking of complaining, he’s also been bitching that I’ve been playing the anxiety card too much for avoiding the gym. Yeah, so maybe I have been milking that a bit, I still can’t really go when there are a lot of people around. So I’m probably going to be putting my membership up on Craigslist or something in hopes that someone will want to buy it. I’ve wasted a lot of money on this stupid thing, and that’s the more annoying part. But if my SLP wasn’t so fucking money hungry, I wouldn’t have this problem. Everything that has to do with him has money at the core of it. He doesn’t have a job, but is still receiving money from when his mother died a few years ago. Before that he didn’t work either, but was receiving money from the government. It just really pisses me off because he is fully capable of holding an office job where he can sit all day. But of course, he could never do that because he’s bound to find something wrong with sitting all day, or that he can’t handle sitting all day because of some sort of medical issue. Well, depending where you work, they can be accommodating with special super comfy chairs, or an exercise ball to sit on at your desk, or have a desk like I do that can be raised and lowered to stand while working (which I absolutely love by the way). It’s just a shame that he feels entitled to the money that I earn at work because he’s my partner. We are not legally married, so technically, he has no say over the money I earn or even my life insurance policy I get through work. He’s listed himself as the primary beneficiary without even asking me. I actually had plans for that and they don’t include him receiving 100% of the pay out if I die. Yeah, that’s not happening.

Yeah, just a shame in general that he can’t act like the responsible adult he should be. He sleeps all damn day, but says that he’s up during the night, so sleeping all day is ok, if that’s actually the case. I just don’t understand him. He’s been milking this “med change” thing for way too long. Though if I bring it up, he’ll just get pissy and start turning it around on me and how I’m not handling my life responsibly. According to him, I’m ruining my life by not taking care of myself, my eating habits are atrocious and I just don’t take care of myself in general. Oh, I’m sorry. I go to work five days a week, get yelled at over the phone about things that are above and beyond my control. I come home to a house that is not always clean, but it’s usually my fault it’s not clean according to my SLP because I don’t do anything around the house. Oh, and apparently it’s my fault that I don’t spend a lot of time with my SLP anymore. Like hell that’s my fault. If he didn’t sleep all day, he’d be up when I got home, then we could do stuff together, then go to sleep. But why would I even want to spend time with something that has to continuously talk through EVERYTHING. I can’t even watch a tv show without getting pissed off because he can’t keep his trap shut. Movies are just ruined for me because he’s always talking though them, even in theaters, he’ll lean over and whisper something or ask a question. I have asked him nicely to stop talking and he doesn’t, so I have to get more rude and louder to ask him to shut up. Then he’ll get mad at me for rudely telling him to shut up. What am I even supposed to do then? I tell him I asked nicely the first eighty bajillion times, which he ignored. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do at that point anymore. Whatever I end up doing is wrong, so I’m at the point where I just give up.

Which brings me to my next few thoughts; do I leave my SLP or stay with him? I don’t even know anymore. I sometimes feel like the only reason I stay with him is because it’s comfortable and mostly safe. I have a roof over my head, no worries of being evicted, vehicles to use and a place to generally call home. In the long run though, am I truly safe there? His constant belittling and telling me what I’ve done wrong all the time does annoy me and wear me down, and grate on my last never. But for whatever reason, I’m still there.

Side note, I just had some guy call in and his last name was Muse. I just made a fool of myself telling him that I loved his last name and it’s the name of my favorite band. I think I confused him more than anything lol. I’ve also told people with British and Australian accents that I loved their accents when I’ve had on the phone and apparently made them blush- or so they say.

Anyway, lol, that was a fun tangent to ramble off on. I did have a dream last night that I seem to have every month. For the longest time, it was a series of dreams where I would have a conversation with each of my grandparents that have died. In the beginning it was like each night I would have a dream with a grandparent in it, but more recently it all of my grandparents and I sitting around my kitchen table just having a conversation about normal everyday stuff.  One conversation with one of my grandmothers started out with her asking how I was doing, what was new in life. I told her that I was fine, confused about some personal things, and then asked how she was. She replied that she was bowling over Australia and had gotten a near perfect game. When I was little and scared of thunderstorms, my mom would tell me that it was just my grandmother bowling in heaven and each time it thundered, it was the ball rolling down the lane and the lightening was my grandmother getting a strike.

So, those dreams I won’t type up to put on the Dreams page because they happen each month and there isn’t anything spectacular that happens in them. Mostly, it’s just a conversation with my grandparents about things going on in my life. I think it’s just my brains way of trying to figure things out that are worrying me, confusing me, or are exciting things happening in my life at the time of the dream.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to get this wrapped up as I’m getting a new laptop at work instead of a desktop. I’m excited. Should be fun!

Wondering Where to Go

I often wonder what I would be doing with my life had I done things differently? For example, in high school, I had a chance to date a really nice guy but I turned him down. I’m not sure of the reason anymore but I wonder how different my life would have been had I dated him. Would we have stayed together as long as my spouse-like-person (SPL) have? I like to think that maybe had I dated the other guy, I may have actually continued to go to high school instead of basically dropping out for a few months. I did end up graduation with my class, but I went to the Alternative School, which unfortunately was where those kids went. The ones that were into drugs who got busted, the ones who dropped out or got knocked up or were just the bad kids in general. It’s sad that the Alternative program has such a bad rap for that, but I wasn’t with those kids. I only needed an English credit and a math credit to even graduate, otherwise I had all the credits I needed. I ended up doing self study courses on a computer program. For the last to quarter report cards of my life, I was finally on the High Honor Roll. That was only because I had two courses and I got high A’s in both English and math. So in a way, it was sort of cheating because I didn’t have the other courses to bring my G.P.A down to a lower average.

Anyway, back to my musings about a possible future I may have had. I think if I didn’t turn him down, I never would have moved out of my parents house when I turned 18, I would have continued to go to school like a normal person, and then gone off to college. While at college, I would have met someone new and would have to decide if I wanted to continue a relationship with the other guy from high school or give it a go with the new guy at college. I’m not a big fan of change, but I may have decided to give it a go to see if there was anything there. If not, I would have gone back to the guy from high school if he didn’t find anyone at the college he went to. Had it not gone well with the new guy from college, I think I would have gone back to the other guy from high school. Then I would have realized that it would not have worked out between us and out mothers would just have to be disappointed. My mom and his mom had been plotting since the guy from high school and myself were little tykes that one day we would get married. Yeah.. too bad that it didn’t work out that way.

I also often wonder about what would happen if I left my SPL. For a while and even now, I still think about a future without him in it. He tends to bring me down a lot and we fight a lot. Is this the sort of thing I want to keep living in a house with? If I have kids, do I want them to be with my SPL? How will raising my future kids in a house like this where there is a lot of fighting hurt them? There seem to be too many questions for me to be sure about anything. I have no idea and that scares me a lot. More so that I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I wonder where to go probably more than I should. Maybe that’s because I’m still looking for Mr. Right, if he’s even out there anywhere. In my dreams, I always dream about Mr. Right and meeting him and having that perfect family with him in the big house and nice cars. Much like the American Dream. But then my dream turns into something worse. The house burns down, my family is falling apart, my perfect husband has been cheating on me and in turn, I cheated on him and only one of my two kids with him are actually his. So much for the perfect lifestyle that a lot of people strive towards. I don’t think there will ever be that perfect family except in movies. I think if you have a ton of money, you can only be happy for so long. As the saying goes, money doesn’t buy happiness. It just buys a lot of stuff to hold your attention for a while, but even then the attention only lasts so long on the item. If you don’t have a lot of money but you have a caring and wonderful family, I think that is closer to that perfect happiness. You can’t have both, but you can certainly try. Money tends to destroy families, people always have that greed in them, but for a lot, money brings that out. Then the stupid decisions start and then the money is all gone.

Look at that, I’m rambling again. I’m so sorry. I do that a lot. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I do wonder where I should go from here in life. I don’t know that I’m truly happy and I do wonder all the time if I would be happier without my SPL. But then I start to feel guilty because I think about all the people I will disappoint because I won’t be part of their lives. It’s hard for me because I do truly care for them and I am so glad that they are in my life.

With that, I will end this post with one of my favorite songs from Muse, Butterflies & Hurricanes.