Writing and its Awesomeness

I feel kind of stuck today. Not really a bad thing, just not sure what to write about. Maybe that’s a good subject, writing. I’ve been talking with a friend of mine this morning about writing. She was im’ing me a few lines from a post she’s working on. I keep telling her she should be a writer. She’s got this amazing style and a very awesome point of view. Her husband also likes to write and he’s got this fantastic idea for an original fantasy novel. I truly hope he gets his idea down on paper because I would love to read it.

It’s strange. I love the idea of writing a book, but I don’t know that I could come up with something original enough or something written well enough that people would want to read it. It’s definitely something that I struggle with because I don’t think that I am original or that I even write well. I know technically my grammar is horrible, but it’s not something that I really care about too much. I do like the help from Open Office and Word offer when something isn’t right, but even then it’s not always correct so I use it more as a guide. I would love to be an author with a best-selling novel or short story, but my lack of originality and my style of writing probably won’t make for a good story.

Speaking of writing style, I feel like my style is rambling. Mostly because I guess that’s how I write on here. Even when I’m writing something else for myself or to share with the lucky few people I trust to not judge me into oblivion, it still turns into dribble that has been rambled to hell and back. My other writing style seems to be that I write how I speak, or at least how I think I sound when I speak. I guess if you could ask anyone that I talk to on a daily basis they might tell you that I have a unique way of speaking. Probably because it’s me. I don’t think I’m that original or unique, but in our own rights we are all unique and different.

Hrrmmm.. what else about writing can I ramble on about today. I do love writing, and I consider it one of my hobbies. I guess my love of writing decided to show up when I was in middle school. It started out as silly ridiculous fan fiction of a band I happened to like at the time. Then Star Wars happened. Yeah, I won’t get too much into that one cause it’s still on going and yeah, lol. Some other fandoms popped up as well as certain people and other bands. But I don’t know that it was until 1998 when I was in eighth grade and my English teacher made us keep journals. She always said that writing saved her life and I would always ask her why. She finally answered and unfortunately, I can’t remember what she said. But whatever it was, I’m glad it happened. She was the best teacher I ever had until another English teacher I had in high school. Funny thing is, those two roomed together in college.

Anyway, I think I can say without a doubt that writing saved my life as well. It’s helped shape me into the person I am today; it’s been an amazing outlet for me when I’ve been depressed beyond anything else. I can go back and read what I wrote and know that I am working on never going back to that dark place again. Music has also saved my life, but that’s not what this post is about today.

I think I’m going to end my post here for now. There really isn’t much more that I feel I can ramble on about writing. I’m sure that if I think of something else, I’ll add it or just write a new post on something else later today.

I did want to add a note of thanks to all of you that actually read this. THANK YOU! Whether you actually read it or not, it has helped me personally to get my thoughts out as well as my dreams and to work through some issues that have been plaguing me for quite a while. If I could I would bake all of you cookies with frosting. Thank you!

Possible Avoidance, Doctors and Things To Do

So, it’s not like I’ve been avoiding posting anything on here, I’ve just been a little depressed lately. Bad things are happening all over the place. Bombings, ricin, bullies, and just the general people being idiots too. The weather in my area is so not helping either. Rainy, chilly, drab and dreary looking, just most unpleasant.

My Spouse-Like-Person and I have been doing a marathon of Once Upon a Time. We stopped watching after the first season to let the episodes build up because we don’t really like suspense, lol. So this past Sunday, we’ve been watching the episodes we have in the DVR. Where in the hell do they dig up these hot, sexy looking actors? Man. Not just the guys, the ladies too, are quite beautiful. I’m not really a fan of a man wearing eyeliner, but the guy that plays Captain Killian “Hook” Jones pulls it off and is … just wow. Colin O’Donoghue. Yep. Google him. Now.

Besides that, it got me thinking to do a post about what I like to do in my down time, or at least when I’m not doing something online or on the computer. I love to read. Probably one of the things that I like doing the most, but I’m really picky when it comes to books. I also like watch tv and movies as well listen to music.

I seem to go in waves of other things that I like to waste my time on. Right now it is jig saw puzzles. Not sure why, but I like putting together puzzles. This past winter, I really got into cross stitching. I started stitching ornaments for the Christmas tree. My goal is to have enough to be the only ornaments on the tree, and still have it look full. So far, I’ve got maybe 10 done? Not sure. I started with the intent to have the ornaments be things from Super Mario, like the 1-Up mushroom, fire flower, piranha plant, Yoshi’s egg, the magic flute and stuff like that. However, I’m starting to think that with the things I have picked out that I want to stitch, that won’t be enough to cover the tree so I’m going to start looking for patterns for other video game characters, power ups and other objects that are easily recognizable.

Other things I like to do are draw, even though I’m really bad at it. Every now and then, I’ll actually draw something that is pretty spectacular or really good at least. I also love to bake cookies, cakes, cupcakes and other tasty desserts. Playing the piano is fun too and writing in general.

As for computer related things that I like to do are read fan fiction, but again, I’m really pick when it comes to that. I also like sim games like Roller Coaster Tycoon and Zoo Tycoon. I think my all-time favorite games for the computer are Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. In addition to games on the computer, I also love video games.

In addition to the above, I like to make cards with my mom. She’s got a super awesome basement that is like a scrapbooking heaven. I also like to sleep in, but I can’t seem to do that lately.

Now for something a little different.. My SLP and I have been on pretty good terms lately, there is still a lot of stress and things between us. He still won’t stop talking during tv shows, making the marathon of Once Upon a Time a little annoying. We recently played kitty rescuers. I wanted to keep one, but he said no. It was even the colors that I want in a cat. However, last year and the year before I was the one saying no to a new kitten in the house. But now that I’ve seen kittens again and been around them again, I want another one.

Something even more different, I think I need to go to the doctor. I’ve had this breathing thing for a while now. I don’t even know what to call it really. I go through I guess waves of a few days where I feel like I can’t get a deep enough breath. I’m not choking or anything like that; it just feels like I’m not getting enough air in to fully expand my diaphragm so I’m constantly yawning. I also think that I may have that sleep apnea thing too. I snore on my back, I snore on my stomach and I snore on my side. Never used to be a horrible snorer, but since I’ve gained weight, the snoring has gotten worse. Never really would snore on my stomach or side unless I was sick and stuffed up. I also just feel constantly tired and run down, like I just don’t get enough sleep even though I try to nearly always get at least seven hours of sleep. My parents keep hounding me to set up an appointment and I keep telling them that I’m working on it, but I’m scared to go. I don’t want to find out that something is massively wrong with me or be told that I have to lose weight.

Look, I already know that. I fight with my weight issues every day and it makes me sad that I even let myself get this way in the first place. But depression sucks ass. There are only so many things that can be said to lose weight and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard them all and tried a lot of things. I refuse to be bulimic because the thought of vomiting after eat is just terrible and I cry every time I vomit. So it’s just not an option. Even if it were a healthy option, I still wouldn’t do it. Anorexia, I’ve sort of been that before. It wasn’t really serious or anything, but I would eat, but hardly anything at all. I’ve thought about doing that again, but I’ve come to realize that I like food too much. Especially bread. I love bread, crackers, pasta, ugh, and it goes straight to my ass and thighs every time.

Anyway, yeah. I’m just scared to go. That’s it. I know I’m going to be told that I need to get rid of some weight. I’ll have joint issues later on in life or sooner from carrying so much weight around on my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I get it.

So I guess, that’s another thing I do in my down time is think about shit like this and worry about it. Not awesome. But I’m trying to be better about it. Promise.

Looking Back at Childhood Plans

I’ve been thinking about this dream thing again, and I’ve realized that while I have a lot of my dreams written down in journals and notebooks, it’s going to be a while before I can get them typed up. So in the meantime, this is going to serve as my place to vent my frustrations on things and situations in my life as well as celebrate the good things happening as well.

 Because I have a hard time, a lot of the time, trying to come up with something to talk about on here, I Googled blog ideas and I made a list of 32 ideas that seem like a good idea to try and write about. I’m going to set a goal for myself, to write about one of those things on that list every day until it is done. I’m sure I’ll have other things to say between those particular posts, but that list is just serving as a list of ideas.

 With the above being said, I suppose I should put one of those ideas to good use. I like this one ‘Childhood Plans, What I Wanted to be When I Grew Up’ because everyone- no matter who you are, always dreamed about what they wanted to do as an adult. Now that I am an adult, I’m still dreaming about what I want to be when I grow up. Mostly because I still don’t know what I want to do for a career. My current job is just a job, but I could see myself doing it for quite a few years.

 When I was little, I always wanted to be a princess, but once I realized that I had to be of royal blood or lucky enough to bag myself a prince, there was no way I could be a princess. Then my focus shifted to being a teacher. I remember having friends over after school, or going to their house and we would play ‘School’ where I would always want to be the teacher. Quite similar to playing ‘House’ I had to be the mom or the cool older sister or the baby. The part about playing school was being the teacher and having that special red hard cover notebook that held the attendance and grades of each student in the class. I always thought I could be the most powerful person in the world if I had one of those.

 As I started growing up, aside from being a teacher, my interests shifted from time to time to be a meteorologist, an artist, a musician, a professional writer, an interior decorator, a historian and a professional cake baker. But for some reason out of all of those things, the only ones that stuck were teacher, historian and cake baker. Then I decided that I would become a history teacher. I had it all planned out in my head, go to UW-Whitewater for a degree to become a history teacher, find a job at a local school and teach for the rest of my life. My junior year in high school, my parents and I drove down to Whitewater to tour the campus and meet the head of the history department. The campus is beautiful, and not the first time I had been there. A few years before I went to tour, my brother graduated from UW-Whitewater so I think part of me wanting to go to that university was because my brother went there. Even though there is a rather large gap in years between us, I still wanted to be just like him and do everything he did. I even took French in school instead of Spanish or German (though in hindsight I should have taken Spanish) so that my brother could help me with my homework if I didn’t understand it. I remember being so excited to take French in school that I told my brother and he said the only thing that he remembers (I’m guessing he was kidding now that I look back because I know he knows more than he said he did at the time) was to ask for the bathroom “Où est la salle de bains?” which actually is “where is the shower” but that didn’t stop me from wanting to learn more.

 Anyway, my parents and I went down to tour the campus at Whitewater. After meeting the head of this history department at the university we walked away with an odd feeling, like the guy didn’t really know much about his area. We asked what it would take and what sorts of classes were needed to become a history teacher and he just didn’t have much information on it and said that wasn’t something he was familiar with. Rather strange for the head of the department, don’t you think? So after meeting the unknowledgeable gentleman, we finished the tour of the campus, and went to the, I guess you could call it the gift shop and then went home. At first I was rather discouraged about becoming a history teacher, but that didn’t stop me from looking at other universities in the state of Wisconsin. I also looked at UW-Superior, but I decided that being that far away from family for four years would be too hard for me so I abandoned that idea.

 During all of this, I discovered something about myself that I love to bake and decorate cakes. Granted I already knew that I loved to bake cookies, cakes and cupcakes so going to school for that would be a great alternative for my initial plan of becoming a history teacher was put on the back burner.

 So even though I still haven’t gone to college for anything that I want to do, I still would like to someday go to college for either of those things. But after my experience of going to a local technical college, I’ve shied away from school. I wouldn’t say it was bad, but I will say I was definitely not ready for something like that and was massively glad that I wasn’t at a large campus like Whitewater or Superior. I have some major anxiety problems that I’m working on and at the time, my heart wasn’t in to going to college. I wanted to do the baking and pastry arts program at the technical school, but the program was full when I finally decided I wanted to do it. So instead, I ended up taking a bunch of classes to make sure I had enough credits to continue to stay on my parents’ health insurance. There was already a lot of tension between my mom and me so much so that I moved out of the house a week after I turned 18 some months before graduating high school (but that’s a whole post on its own). I felt like I was being forced to go to college just so I could continue the health insurance. In the end, I stopped going to the classes and got as much of a refund as I could on the classes and the unused books.

 Regardless, of what happed to dissuade me from going to college I think that someday I’ll go. Probably not to be a history teacher- mostly because I wanted to specialize in war history and that would be a hard job to find in my area. No, I think I’ll go for that baking and pastry arts program and if not that, perhaps I’ll go for a business management program so I can climb the corporate ladder if an opportunity came along to do so. I’m always going to love history and baking, so if I end up doing the business management and take some additional classes in the history area and then down the line a bit later in my life, I’ll finally take that baking and pastry arts program for something to do in my eventual retirement when I’m old.