Brief Update… And Yes I’m Still Alive

Why, hello there. Yes, it has been a while since I’ve posted anything here. Yes, I am sorry. A lot has happened since the last post. So far, mostly all good things and a few that have just been eh. So far all the good things are for me personally on a medical level. For the month of August, I have like a bazillion and one doctor appointments, education classes and an overnight study.

The overnight one is tonight and it’s to officially diagnose that I have sleep apnea. I’m actually a little scared to go to this one, mostly because I don’t know if I will be able to fall asleep. I suppose if I’m tired enough, I won’t have trouble falling asleep.

The other appointments are things that I need to go to for the eventual goal of surgery to assist with weight loss. Now, these appointments scare me a lot actually. I know that I’m ready for this change, but every now and then I get that little seed of doubt and it blooms into something that’s just there, constantly telling me that I’m not ready or worthy of this to make myself better. I think a lot of the reason why that seed gets planted is because when my person had surgery as well for weight loss, I saw that as cheating. I still honestly see it as cheating with him because he never tried to lose weight on his own. Hell, he’s gained some weight back because he has not truly changed his eating habits. The only thing he changed about it was portion size and how often he eats, but as for what sorts of foods he eats… Not the best choices. I’m not saying I’m any better in that area, especially considering I’ve eaten pizza probably eight days out of the last ten. So, not the best, but certainly not the worst.

So let’s see… other good news. I’m still working on my Batman project and have completed twenty-two parts and current word count sits at 56,962. That’s pretty impressive considering I’ve only been working a little over a month, I think.. it might be a little longer actually, but either way, it hasn’t been years like my Star Wars project. Anyway, it has surpassed my Star Wars project in terms of content and finished parts. SW has I think eleven or twelve parts that I have deemed done done done, and about ten other parts that are in the process of being written. Another thing about the SW project is that I started it way back in 1999 when Episode I came out and it’s nowhere near being finished. Since I first started writing it, it’s gone through some major overhauls and changes. But the base of it is the same and I don’t know that I will ever get it finished. I think that’s just going to be one of those things that I go back to every so often to work on.

It’s weird and strangely comforting to go back and read the original writing for that, and any of my other writing, actually. It helps me see how much I’ve grown as a writer and even my handwriting over the years.

I don’t know, I’m rambling again.. So I guess that means I should end the post before I really go off on some whacked out tangent.

Cheers!

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Good Things Are Coming My Way

Time for a brief update on things going on in my life, I suppose. Well, for once things are starting to go really good. I own a house officially, or at least that’s what it says on the mortgage. With that new mortgage at a lower rate, we’ll also be getting a home equity line of credit so we can finally start those renovations that we’ve been putting off as well as wipe out all debt we have- which honestly isn’t much. And by the end of the year, I should be the proud owner of a new car.. but we’ll see how it works out.

Personally, I’ve been going to some doctors, last week and tomorrow I have an appointment. I’m finally getting my life back in order and finding out what I need to do to accomplish certain things. I’m actually scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I don’t know. Since my person had surgery a few years ago now for weight loss, gastric bypass, I would always tell him that he was cheating. To me, he really was cheating because I didn’t think he ever really tried hard enough on his own to lose the weight. For me, I’ve tried all sorts of things, even starving myself, but none of them seemed to work. All I managed was to maybe lose some weight, but then maintained my weight.

For me though, I feel like that if the only other option for me is surgery as well, that it would be cheating and a sign that I failed that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t like being a failure, but I think I fail at everything. I’m really messed up a lot of the time, but I’ve been getting better and I’m also slowly returning back to the self I was before the depression and anxiety hit hard. It’s been a long journey so far, and it will be a path that I have to travel the rest of my life. It’s not like I’ll wake up one morning and everything is gone and I’m magically all better. Do you know how many times I wished that would happen? Never does and never will unless I work at it- which I am.

It’s hard for me to know that I will be turning 30 next year. I thought turning 28 was hard, but wow, I really do not want to turn 30 next year. I think part of my problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought I’d have at least one child by now and one on the way, a nicer house and a husband that actually had a job and provided decent income. Doesn’t have to be a rich guy, just one that was a bit better at money handling and had a good job as well as not sleep all damn day.

Anyway, I will find out tomorrow what I need to do for this weight loss thing. Hopefully it’s all good news… but I’m still terrified.

What’s Up World..

Alright world, it’s not like I forgot about posting on here.. I’ve been avoiding it for a while. Mostly because I don’t know what I want to talk about on here anymore. Most of my time lately has been spent on my Batman writing project and trying to spend time with my person. He was gone for a few days and I enjoyed the time to myself a lot, but I did actually miss him after a while.

I also did something recently that I know was wrong and should not have done, but went and did it anyway. I’m not going to say what specifically, but I will say that it could have been a lot worse. It wasn’t anything bad, just not good. It may or may not have involved an entire batch of cookies.. But I’m not going to say.

Something else that’s new, my manager confided in me that she’s getting sick of the bull shit that’s going on in the department, people calling in sick, taking days off and whatever without any regard to coverage needed for the phones. Specifically, she told me about one particular person who is going to be getting different hours, but has been abusing their time off lately and so my manager is thinking about not giving this particular person the new hours. If this person doesn’t get their shit together, then those hours are mine. I love that my manager trusts me with information like that and she values the work I do. By far, she is probably the BEST manager I have ever had anywhere for a job.

I know I won’t have much time to write a new post this week other than today, but I will try on the 4th- which seems to be the only day this week I’ll be able to get one done.  So until Thursday, this is going to be a short but sweet post.

If I don’t get one done, I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday! Don’t blast any fingers, limbs, eyes, ears or other body parts off with fireworks!

Just A Few Things…

It has been day three that my SLP has been gone. Only a few more days to go until he’s back. And you know what? I haven’t done a damn thing. All I’ve done is sit at the computer from the time I get home from work until I go to bed.. if I even go to bed. Monday night I didn’t go to sleep at all and was already running on three hours of sleep. Last night I finally was able to fall asleep around midnight. For a while I didn’t know if I could fall asleep because I was to the point where I was so tired, that I wasn’t tired anymore.

In addition to the lack of sleep, I was also kind of afraid to go to sleep. The last few times it’s stormed, some large branches and tree limbs have fallen. The latest from a tree that is right next to the house. Now don’t get me wrong, I love thunderstorms! Watching for lightning streaks racing across the storm darkened skies and the rumble of thunder are things that I love.

I’ve decided something a little bit ago. I think I’m ready for a change in my lifestyle in terms of weight loss. I’ve been wishy washy about it and not really ready to commit to it, but now after doing a lot of thinking the last few days, I’m ready. Or not, lol. Probably by the afternoon I will have changed my mind again. I’m pretty sure my brain is hardwired to be a pain in the ass when it comes to making decisions.

I had thought about talking about something else today, but for some reason that idea or thought is escaping me. I guess if I ever remember what it is, I’ll just write about it tomorrow. I did also want to add that I’m still very actively writing that Batman thing I started lol. I didn’t think it would be good, but I’ve shared it with three people, and two out of the three that I know have read it for sure like it a lot. Perhaps I will post it on here eventually, but I don’t want to unless I’ve finished it because I don’t want to leave anyone that reads it hanging because it’s not complete. There are some fan fictions that I’ve read, where it starts out really great, but then just as you’re getting to a good part, there’s no more. Which is rather annoying. It would be like reading the first half of a good book, but the author didn’t finish the book. Very annoying.

Other than all of that, there really isn’t much else that’s new with me. So, what’s new with you?

Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I’ve been having mixed feelings lately and I am really ashamed to admit that I have recently thought about cheating on my person. I don’t even know how I would go about doing that? I don’t go out and hit on people, and dating sites and the like scare me because I wonder how truthful people are on those. Even the more adult ones. I don’t know. I just don’t. Does this make me a bad person that I’ve thought about doing something like that? I know I’m not the only one that had thought about it, even in my own relationship with my person. I know he’s thought about it- we’ve even talked about it. I’m just too scared to talk to him about it. I know I’m not perfect by any means, but for some reason, me admitting I’ve thought about something like this is weak. I should be able to control my thoughts better than I have been. I actually don’t know what’s worse; thinking about cheating, not being able to control those thoughts, or seeing both of those things as a weakness.

I will be completely honest, my person and I haven’t done anything with each other in a very long time, at least a year. I just think I’m broken. I feel broken. Sure, things work, but mentally, I don’t know that I work or even if there is a connection anymore. That is probably due to my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been on this medication for six months now. I feel amazing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy again, but I still feel that part of me is missing. My person has made comments about he can see the old me, before the depression hit hard, starting to come out and he misses the old me. That may be, but I don’t know that I want the old pre-depression me to come back. I feel like a new person and I need to move forward with my life, not go back to how things used to be because I know that it won’t ever be like that again.

People change, and that’s something that is always going to happen. You can’t stop change just like you can’t stop the sun from setting. I didn’t intend on changing from the pre-depressed me to the me I am today. It just happened over time. Is this new me a cheater? Probably not. If given the opportunity, I think I might take it, but then I’d get to wherever the deed would happen and not be able to walk in. It’s just not me to cheat on my person. As much as he drives me insane, as much as I actually hate him at times, and as much as I want to strangle him, I would never ever cheat on him. I’m too loyal and I don’t know if I could ever live with myself if I did. Besides, my person would probably be more disappointed that he didn’t get to watch or be part of it lol. I’m not sure if that’s something that would interest me. It’s just a strange thought to me.

So, regardless of how much I think about it some days, toady being a day that it’s on my mind a lot for some reason, I would not be able to go through with it. If I do cheat on him with anything, it would be fictional characters in books. Falling in and out of love with them.. that’s just a temporary emotional bond and not exactly physically cheating.

But now that I mention that, I guess I did lie in a sense. I’ve been cheating on him with fictional characters from books for our entire relationship. But it’s not that physical bond, more emotional. Even then though, it’s not like it’s lasted any longer than the book or anything else beyond the words on the pages, so I suppose that’s not really cheating. If it were, there would be a lot of cheaters in the world.

The entire cheating aspect is like a naughty fantasy, and that’s all it ever would be. A fantasy, and one that would never come to fruition in my life. I think those thoughts are going to be stored away in my memory warehouse in the file with other things like getting it on with an actor that I have absolutely no chance with, let alone even meeting him.

For other people, I do understand why they cheat. No physical contact between each other, no emotional bond, and some do it just because that’s how they are. I don’t know that I’m any of those even though there is no physical connection between my person and I lately and certainly no emotional bond from me towards him.

I just feel lost.

Short and Sweet.. Like Me

Heyyy… I promise, I didn’t forget about posting on here. Just been a little preoccupied with some other things lately; tree damage in my yard from recent storms, got into beading again and got hit in the head by my creative writing muse. So I have been working on a bit of something Batman related. I’ve only shared it with two people, and I don’t know that I would ever share it with anyone else. I’m so not confident in my own writing skills. The things that I have share with people, they have told me it’s good and stuff, but I still feel as if it’s just really boring and the plot is something that’s been written about so many times that no one would want to read it because it’s boring. That’s something that I worry a bit about on here, but then I just take a step back and realize that no one really reads this blog like thing except maybe a few people, and those few people actually know me, so it’s just like I’m writing an email to them or something.

Other than the above, things are starting to look up for me. The last week in June, my person will be going to visit his parents for a week or a little longer so I will have the house to myself. EXCITING! I am starting to make some plans for that week. Nothing huge, but we have a small bathroom downstairs that I want to make over- wallpaper needs to come down and some fresh paint.

Another thing that has been exciting for me would be a few work related things. First being that I got to train the new person in the department. I lucked out though because I have previously worked with her and trained her before so I knew her style and how hard I could push. I still have my doubts that I did a bad job training, but I think that’s because I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. Apparently, I’m also going to be training another new person in July. We’ll see how that goes because I don’t know this person or her style of learning a new job so I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to be that one person people hate because I train like a drill sergeant or something.

The second and last thing for now that I’m excited about for work is that I think I’ve finally come up with a goal. To eventually be the manager of the department I’m in now. I think currently I’m on track, however I do need to get one of those fancy pieces of paper saying that I graduated from a business management course at a college level. I suppose that’s doable and I’m not as scared to go to college like I was the first time. Since I’ve been on my medication, my depression has nearly gone away now and I’ve become quite the social butterfly compared to how I was before. My anxiety has all dropped as well. Sure, I’m still going to be depressed and anxious about things, but it won’t be as bad as it was without this medication. I just feel much better and happier as well.

I think that’s going to be it for this post, short and sweet. I hope all of you that are this blog have a wonderful weekend and Father’s Day!

Writing and its Awesomeness

I feel kind of stuck today. Not really a bad thing, just not sure what to write about. Maybe that’s a good subject, writing. I’ve been talking with a friend of mine this morning about writing. She was im’ing me a few lines from a post she’s working on. I keep telling her she should be a writer. She’s got this amazing style and a very awesome point of view. Her husband also likes to write and he’s got this fantastic idea for an original fantasy novel. I truly hope he gets his idea down on paper because I would love to read it.

It’s strange. I love the idea of writing a book, but I don’t know that I could come up with something original enough or something written well enough that people would want to read it. It’s definitely something that I struggle with because I don’t think that I am original or that I even write well. I know technically my grammar is horrible, but it’s not something that I really care about too much. I do like the help from Open Office and Word offer when something isn’t right, but even then it’s not always correct so I use it more as a guide. I would love to be an author with a best-selling novel or short story, but my lack of originality and my style of writing probably won’t make for a good story.

Speaking of writing style, I feel like my style is rambling. Mostly because I guess that’s how I write on here. Even when I’m writing something else for myself or to share with the lucky few people I trust to not judge me into oblivion, it still turns into dribble that has been rambled to hell and back. My other writing style seems to be that I write how I speak, or at least how I think I sound when I speak. I guess if you could ask anyone that I talk to on a daily basis they might tell you that I have a unique way of speaking. Probably because it’s me. I don’t think I’m that original or unique, but in our own rights we are all unique and different.

Hrrmmm.. what else about writing can I ramble on about today. I do love writing, and I consider it one of my hobbies. I guess my love of writing decided to show up when I was in middle school. It started out as silly ridiculous fan fiction of a band I happened to like at the time. Then Star Wars happened. Yeah, I won’t get too much into that one cause it’s still on going and yeah, lol. Some other fandoms popped up as well as certain people and other bands. But I don’t know that it was until 1998 when I was in eighth grade and my English teacher made us keep journals. She always said that writing saved her life and I would always ask her why. She finally answered and unfortunately, I can’t remember what she said. But whatever it was, I’m glad it happened. She was the best teacher I ever had until another English teacher I had in high school. Funny thing is, those two roomed together in college.

Anyway, I think I can say without a doubt that writing saved my life as well. It’s helped shape me into the person I am today; it’s been an amazing outlet for me when I’ve been depressed beyond anything else. I can go back and read what I wrote and know that I am working on never going back to that dark place again. Music has also saved my life, but that’s not what this post is about today.

I think I’m going to end my post here for now. There really isn’t much more that I feel I can ramble on about writing. I’m sure that if I think of something else, I’ll add it or just write a new post on something else later today.

I did want to add a note of thanks to all of you that actually read this. THANK YOU! Whether you actually read it or not, it has helped me personally to get my thoughts out as well as my dreams and to work through some issues that have been plaguing me for quite a while. If I could I would bake all of you cookies with frosting. Thank you!