Brief Update… And Yes I’m Still Alive

Why, hello there. Yes, it has been a while since I’ve posted anything here. Yes, I am sorry. A lot has happened since the last post. So far, mostly all good things and a few that have just been eh. So far all the good things are for me personally on a medical level. For the month of August, I have like a bazillion and one doctor appointments, education classes and an overnight study.

The overnight one is tonight and it’s to officially diagnose that I have sleep apnea. I’m actually a little scared to go to this one, mostly because I don’t know if I will be able to fall asleep. I suppose if I’m tired enough, I won’t have trouble falling asleep.

The other appointments are things that I need to go to for the eventual goal of surgery to assist with weight loss. Now, these appointments scare me a lot actually. I know that I’m ready for this change, but every now and then I get that little seed of doubt and it blooms into something that’s just there, constantly telling me that I’m not ready or worthy of this to make myself better. I think a lot of the reason why that seed gets planted is because when my person had surgery as well for weight loss, I saw that as cheating. I still honestly see it as cheating with him because he never tried to lose weight on his own. Hell, he’s gained some weight back because he has not truly changed his eating habits. The only thing he changed about it was portion size and how often he eats, but as for what sorts of foods he eats… Not the best choices. I’m not saying I’m any better in that area, especially considering I’ve eaten pizza probably eight days out of the last ten. So, not the best, but certainly not the worst.

So let’s see… other good news. I’m still working on my Batman project and have completed twenty-two parts and current word count sits at 56,962. That’s pretty impressive considering I’ve only been working a little over a month, I think.. it might be a little longer actually, but either way, it hasn’t been years like my Star Wars project. Anyway, it has surpassed my Star Wars project in terms of content and finished parts. SW has I think eleven or twelve parts that I have deemed done done done, and about ten other parts that are in the process of being written. Another thing about the SW project is that I started it way back in 1999 when Episode I came out and it’s nowhere near being finished. Since I first started writing it, it’s gone through some major overhauls and changes. But the base of it is the same and I don’t know that I will ever get it finished. I think that’s just going to be one of those things that I go back to every so often to work on.

It’s weird and strangely comforting to go back and read the original writing for that, and any of my other writing, actually. It helps me see how much I’ve grown as a writer and even my handwriting over the years.

I don’t know, I’m rambling again.. So I guess that means I should end the post before I really go off on some whacked out tangent.

Cheers!

Good Things Are Coming My Way

Time for a brief update on things going on in my life, I suppose. Well, for once things are starting to go really good. I own a house officially, or at least that’s what it says on the mortgage. With that new mortgage at a lower rate, we’ll also be getting a home equity line of credit so we can finally start those renovations that we’ve been putting off as well as wipe out all debt we have- which honestly isn’t much. And by the end of the year, I should be the proud owner of a new car.. but we’ll see how it works out.

Personally, I’ve been going to some doctors, last week and tomorrow I have an appointment. I’m finally getting my life back in order and finding out what I need to do to accomplish certain things. I’m actually scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I don’t know. Since my person had surgery a few years ago now for weight loss, gastric bypass, I would always tell him that he was cheating. To me, he really was cheating because I didn’t think he ever really tried hard enough on his own to lose the weight. For me, I’ve tried all sorts of things, even starving myself, but none of them seemed to work. All I managed was to maybe lose some weight, but then maintained my weight.

For me though, I feel like that if the only other option for me is surgery as well, that it would be cheating and a sign that I failed that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t like being a failure, but I think I fail at everything. I’m really messed up a lot of the time, but I’ve been getting better and I’m also slowly returning back to the self I was before the depression and anxiety hit hard. It’s been a long journey so far, and it will be a path that I have to travel the rest of my life. It’s not like I’ll wake up one morning and everything is gone and I’m magically all better. Do you know how many times I wished that would happen? Never does and never will unless I work at it- which I am.

It’s hard for me to know that I will be turning 30 next year. I thought turning 28 was hard, but wow, I really do not want to turn 30 next year. I think part of my problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought I’d have at least one child by now and one on the way, a nicer house and a husband that actually had a job and provided decent income. Doesn’t have to be a rich guy, just one that was a bit better at money handling and had a good job as well as not sleep all damn day.

Anyway, I will find out tomorrow what I need to do for this weight loss thing. Hopefully it’s all good news… but I’m still terrified.

Just A Few Things…

It has been day three that my SLP has been gone. Only a few more days to go until he’s back. And you know what? I haven’t done a damn thing. All I’ve done is sit at the computer from the time I get home from work until I go to bed.. if I even go to bed. Monday night I didn’t go to sleep at all and was already running on three hours of sleep. Last night I finally was able to fall asleep around midnight. For a while I didn’t know if I could fall asleep because I was to the point where I was so tired, that I wasn’t tired anymore.

In addition to the lack of sleep, I was also kind of afraid to go to sleep. The last few times it’s stormed, some large branches and tree limbs have fallen. The latest from a tree that is right next to the house. Now don’t get me wrong, I love thunderstorms! Watching for lightning streaks racing across the storm darkened skies and the rumble of thunder are things that I love.

I’ve decided something a little bit ago. I think I’m ready for a change in my lifestyle in terms of weight loss. I’ve been wishy washy about it and not really ready to commit to it, but now after doing a lot of thinking the last few days, I’m ready. Or not, lol. Probably by the afternoon I will have changed my mind again. I’m pretty sure my brain is hardwired to be a pain in the ass when it comes to making decisions.

I had thought about talking about something else today, but for some reason that idea or thought is escaping me. I guess if I ever remember what it is, I’ll just write about it tomorrow. I did also want to add that I’m still very actively writing that Batman thing I started lol. I didn’t think it would be good, but I’ve shared it with three people, and two out of the three that I know have read it for sure like it a lot. Perhaps I will post it on here eventually, but I don’t want to unless I’ve finished it because I don’t want to leave anyone that reads it hanging because it’s not complete. There are some fan fictions that I’ve read, where it starts out really great, but then just as you’re getting to a good part, there’s no more. Which is rather annoying. It would be like reading the first half of a good book, but the author didn’t finish the book. Very annoying.

Other than all of that, there really isn’t much else that’s new with me. So, what’s new with you?

Just Some Observations

Last night as I was lying in bed, I had a thought. It was a strange thought, too. I was thinking about weight loss again, nothing new there really, but this thought struck me as kind of odd. Am I sabotaging myself when it comes to losing weight? I know what I can look like if I actually actively work at it. I’m not going to lie, I was hot. For those that know me, that is not something that I have ever said about myself, but I was looking at some older pictures of when I was in shape. Damnit, what the hell happened?! I suppose life happened, and depression. But back to my thought of sabotage.. Am I purposely not working at losing the weight because I don’t want to have people notice me? As far as I can remember, I have never liked being the center of attention. Maybe when I was little, I was outgoing and always wanted attention, but not since I was a teen. By the time I reached those years of my life, I wished I could just disappear into the walls and be invisible.

Even now, being larger I still get attention, however it is not attention that I want. At least back then, the attention was slightly more positive and wanted- whether I wanted it or not. I feel like having any attention on me is bad. I still wish I could just disappear into the walls. When I’m at work, I am really quiet and keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my co-workers, I’m just selective. I started my current job last October, and just three weeks ago, I ventured out and talked to the people I work with. I’m the type of person who observes those around me and then decides on who I want to talk to. I guess that may make me a snob, but I don’t want to talk to someone that is going to use what I tell them against me or go and tell the manager some juicy bit of information that has nothing to do with work or the work environment.

I’m kind of at a loss for words today, or at least right now, so I’m going to end this post here. If I think of anything else I’ll write it later.

Thoughts on Things and My Way of Coping

Lately I’ve been full of self-doubt. Doubt about my life. Doubt about my relationship. Doubt about choices I’ve made. I don’t even know where to begin really. I think I’ve always lacked a certain confidence that allowed me to be someone who wasn’t afraid to make a choice and then immediately regret it afterward.

To be really honest, I’m not even confident in writing on this blog thing.  I just feel so.. I don’t even know really down, blue, depressed, anxious, hurt, under appreciated, alienated, sad, angry, upset, fearful, abandoned and that I could just cry at any moment. I wish that I never got out of bed this morning; I was comfortable and content just being there in my bed. I want to be invisible and just walk by people and have those people not even realize I was there. I realize that doesn’t solve anything, but in my head it seems like the perfect solution to things. Sure it will be lonely, but at least if I were invisible, I could visit people and be more comfortable around them because they wouldn’t see me. Maybe if I were invisible, people wouldn’t see me fail.

I feel like a failure in life. I haven’t really achieved many of the goals I set for myself. Though I suppose that is probably my fault for setting goals so high that I could never achieve them. For example, this whole weight loss thing just sucks. Last night I was filling out some paper work for the weight management clinic for my medical provider and I got to a question being on a scale of one to ten, how ready are you to commit, one being not at all and ten being yes absolutely sign me up right now. I wanted to write in negative five bajillion and two. The next one was another one to ten question along the lines of how confident you are, and again, I wanted to write in a negative number. I have zero confidence that I can do this weight loss thing. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve put so much pressure on myself that I have set myself up for failure before I even begin. I am so afraid of this change that I will fail.  Also with being afraid, my already non-existent confidence level has flown out the window into the deepest part of space never to be seen again.

Something I’ve realized with my past attempts to lose weight only to inevitably fail is that when I would lose the weight I would gain it back plus some more. So, ultimately that makes me a failure because I couldn’t keep the weight off and ended up even more weight. For the last few years, my body has been carrying around at the highest weight, 328 pounds. That is something I am so not proud of.  When I got my driver’s license in 2001, I weighed 135 pounds. Granted I was sixteen years old at the time, and not done growing. Eventually, that is my ultimate goal, to actually weigh what is on my license. So I guess that means I have a rather high set goal, to lose around 185 pounds with my current weight, and ultimately I am pretty sure I will fail and just end up gaining more. I realize that’s not a very positive thing to start a project with.

Man, I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out for a while. I also have this thought some days where I think everyone I know would be better off without me in their lives. It’s not like I want to kill myself or anything, I just want to not exist in their lives. I just feel that I’m not important enough to be part of these people’s amazing lives. I just don’t feel worthy to even know them. I realize that is probably quite ridiculous, but it’s just how I feel some days. Don’t know why, but actually, I feel more unworthy more days than feeling like I am worthy of something. That’s a feeling that I am not familiar with because I have always felt this way as long as I can remember.

It also goes hand in hand with my near blatant refusal for help for things. For this, I will put some of the blame on my parents. When I was in school and wanted help with homework or something else and I would ask my mom or dad for help, they would just sort of half give it if any at all. My mom’s excuse was that she didn’t understand what I was learning- mostly math. Everything else I was fine with, but I nearly always had math homework and I always needed help. I’m not the best when it comes to that subject. In fact I out right detest it. I understand where her and my dad are both coming from. They didn’t really study some of the stuff I was doing in school when it came to math because the lessons, practices and other things have changed so much over time in general that my parents were learning it with me almost. My brother was the only person I could really go to about math because he was only few years ahead of me, so it was still sort of fresh in his head provided he didn’t forget it when he went off to college and took other math classes that had nothing to do with what I was learning at the time.

I don’t know, I’m just a mess emotionally. I was talking with someone who I consider as one of my absolute best friends, I don’t have many friends but the few I have, I would trust them with my life. Anyway, I was talking to her this morning about my ridiculousness as of late. I’ve been watching everything Batman I can on Netflix. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Batman is my all-time favorite super hero like person EVER! So yeah, anyway, any time I think of Batman I hear Kevin Conroy’s voice in my head.. honestly, what is not to love about his voice, best Batman/Bruce Wayne voice ever. Anyway, here I am swooning and getting side tracked over a voice.. what the hell is wrong with me. Thankfully the person I was talking with this morning doesn’t think I’m that weird lol.

The entire point of my dribble there was to get to the point that I think I’m weird for having an emotional attachment to a fictional character. I partially blame my constant watching of the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited and other Batman things lately that I’ve formed some sort of attachment to the character of Batman. I’m 28 years old, should be feeling more adult like and yet I still feel as if I’m just a kid. I watch far too many cartoons for someone of my age. I’m getting ahead of myself again.. that’s just another topic I wanted to touch on eventually. But back to my issue of Batman. I’ve been struggling with myself over this and it’s absolutely ridiculously stupid. I feel silly and pretty dumb about the attachment, but my friend said it’s not dumb. I love her to death, but I still feel dumb. I’m attached to a fictional character more than my Spouse-Like-Person who I have been with for over ten years. What does that say about my relationship with my SLP, or rather lack of relationship. My friend said that it sounds like an escape and I know that is exactly what it is. I tend to cycle with who or what I am currently attached to. A few months ago, it was Dominic Howard, the drummer from the band Muse. Before that it was something else and before that it was another thing. My friend said it’s like finding an idealized version of what I’m looking for in a partner and that it does not make me a weird person that I do that. She also said that she does it as well but in a more generalized way, like escaping into good books and getting attached to the world and characters. I told her that I feel bad because most of the time I get so absorbed in whatever I’m into at the moment, whether it be reading, cartoons, movies, whatever.. that I ignore nearly everything around me. I know a lot of the behavior is part of me coping with my depression and anxiety issues and probably also trying to find the right person for me.

After I said that, my friend asked if I have decided if my SLP is the right person or is it something I’m still working through. I said that I don’t know, but I think I know deep down what the answer is but I’m just avoiding it. I feel like if I tell my SLP what I’m really thinking and how I feel, the world around me will crumble down and just shatter into a million little pieces that will never be put together again. That is not something that I want to do. I just wish I could figure out what I even want from my life. I have no idea and it hurts. My friend went on to say that it is understandable if the answer if one that would be hard, both on the emotional end and the practical, navigating through life end.

As we were talking on the instant messenger our work has for communicating with those not in our immediate department, I sat at my desk nearly in tears. I just feel so lost and that I will never be found. My way of coping with that is dreaming, getting absorbed into fictional universes and realities created by authors and even in my own writings, as well as occasionally falling temporarily in love with a fictional character. If I had it my way, I would just stay locked away up in my room all day and night just reading, listening to music, and just loosing myself to my surroundings.

My friend, really quick side note- I’m just going to call her Mara and when she reads this she’ll probably laugh. At least this way I won’t use her real name and then I don’t have to keep typing out ‘my friend.’ So, Mara made a comment that I’ve been more social and out of the house lately and asked if that’s helping things at all. I told her that it helps a bit and yet at the same time sort of makes me depressed because I have been realizing what I have been missing by being locked away in the house and being anti-social for all those years. But that’s not anything that I would blame my SLP for. It’s all on my because of just not wanting to go out and do things because of how self conscious I am about myself that it always got in the way of doing things.

It just sucks though because everything cycles back around to depression and anxiety. I’ve been on my anti-whatever you want to call it since January. People have told me they have seen a difference in me and the way that I carry myself and present myself, and yet I don’t always see that change. It’s very hard for me to look in a mirror and take in what I see. To be honest, I try to avoid mirrors at all cost, but I still look in one every morning to put some make up on and to do something with my hair. I have a full length mirror in my bedroom that I very rarely look in to see if the outfit I’m wearing looks ok. Mostly because I don’t want to see a fat person staring back at me. I have always seen myself larger than I really am, and let’s face it, that is pretty fucked up and if I had wanted to, I could have gone anorexic or bulimic to get my body to look like what I saw at one time in my head. Now, I just want to lose to be healthy and to sort of match the image of myself in my head. These days though, the person I see in my head isn’t some skinny little bitch that is just skin and bones. Cause who in the hell likes kissing and touching fleshy bones. So not a turn on in my book. It just sucks though. Living in the world we do today, we are basically forced to see or read about models and celebrities who are thin and it’s the hot thing to be.

I just can’t even begin to put into words how damaging that is to young impressionable girls. I’m pretty sure I was one of those little girls that looked up to people wanting to be just like them. Have the hot body, the money, the sexy husband, a family, a nice house and cars and a great job. I have wanted these things for so long because they were what I saw on tv, in magazines and written about in novels and other books. I think I will be comparing my life to those standards I set for myself so long ago that I’m just setting myself up for failure because I will never be able to attain those things. So, back to the character of Batman and Bruce Wayne. He is a rich fellow, who is rather sexy, has the nice house and cars as well as his day job and night time activities as Batman- someone who strives to rid the streets of Gotham of the filth and bad people just so the citizens of Gotham have a safe and happy place to live with their families. What is not to love about that character?

Alright, I’ve been rambling long enough I think. However, I will end this post with part of a conversation I was having with Mara this morning..

Mara: I have an idea to blog about. Overpopulation, medical advances, and the duality between our animal selves and true selves/souls

Me: ok, so what is your animal self?

Mara: The part that’s impulsive even though you know you shouldn’t do something or it’s unsafe. The part that of those people who cheat because of attraction when they love someone else

Me: ooo…I thought you meant something like my animal self is a cat lol

Mara: ooo That would have been fun lol

Me: or a fish. I’d be a cat cause cats are awesome

Mara: Our animal selves reach a child bearing age when we are still ourselves children. As the brain develops behind the rest of the body this creates a duality, a struggle within and a struggle with the elders of a community to find a balance meant to protect all involved. Some of us cheat despite love for a significant other because our bodies are attracted to another. Our bodies easily become addicted to things, craving them, forcing our true selves to make compromises and behave in ways we disagree with to feed the need. That’s a sample of it. lol and yes, cat’s are awesome

Me: they lay around all day, they have attitude, no fucks to give, and do awesome things that are cute, hilarious, or slightly disturbing and most people think they are awesome

Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.

Possible Avoidance, Doctors and Things To Do

So, it’s not like I’ve been avoiding posting anything on here, I’ve just been a little depressed lately. Bad things are happening all over the place. Bombings, ricin, bullies, and just the general people being idiots too. The weather in my area is so not helping either. Rainy, chilly, drab and dreary looking, just most unpleasant.

My Spouse-Like-Person and I have been doing a marathon of Once Upon a Time. We stopped watching after the first season to let the episodes build up because we don’t really like suspense, lol. So this past Sunday, we’ve been watching the episodes we have in the DVR. Where in the hell do they dig up these hot, sexy looking actors? Man. Not just the guys, the ladies too, are quite beautiful. I’m not really a fan of a man wearing eyeliner, but the guy that plays Captain Killian “Hook” Jones pulls it off and is … just wow. Colin O’Donoghue. Yep. Google him. Now.

Besides that, it got me thinking to do a post about what I like to do in my down time, or at least when I’m not doing something online or on the computer. I love to read. Probably one of the things that I like doing the most, but I’m really picky when it comes to books. I also like watch tv and movies as well listen to music.

I seem to go in waves of other things that I like to waste my time on. Right now it is jig saw puzzles. Not sure why, but I like putting together puzzles. This past winter, I really got into cross stitching. I started stitching ornaments for the Christmas tree. My goal is to have enough to be the only ornaments on the tree, and still have it look full. So far, I’ve got maybe 10 done? Not sure. I started with the intent to have the ornaments be things from Super Mario, like the 1-Up mushroom, fire flower, piranha plant, Yoshi’s egg, the magic flute and stuff like that. However, I’m starting to think that with the things I have picked out that I want to stitch, that won’t be enough to cover the tree so I’m going to start looking for patterns for other video game characters, power ups and other objects that are easily recognizable.

Other things I like to do are draw, even though I’m really bad at it. Every now and then, I’ll actually draw something that is pretty spectacular or really good at least. I also love to bake cookies, cakes, cupcakes and other tasty desserts. Playing the piano is fun too and writing in general.

As for computer related things that I like to do are read fan fiction, but again, I’m really pick when it comes to that. I also like sim games like Roller Coaster Tycoon and Zoo Tycoon. I think my all-time favorite games for the computer are Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. In addition to games on the computer, I also love video games.

In addition to the above, I like to make cards with my mom. She’s got a super awesome basement that is like a scrapbooking heaven. I also like to sleep in, but I can’t seem to do that lately.

Now for something a little different.. My SLP and I have been on pretty good terms lately, there is still a lot of stress and things between us. He still won’t stop talking during tv shows, making the marathon of Once Upon a Time a little annoying. We recently played kitty rescuers. I wanted to keep one, but he said no. It was even the colors that I want in a cat. However, last year and the year before I was the one saying no to a new kitten in the house. But now that I’ve seen kittens again and been around them again, I want another one.

Something even more different, I think I need to go to the doctor. I’ve had this breathing thing for a while now. I don’t even know what to call it really. I go through I guess waves of a few days where I feel like I can’t get a deep enough breath. I’m not choking or anything like that; it just feels like I’m not getting enough air in to fully expand my diaphragm so I’m constantly yawning. I also think that I may have that sleep apnea thing too. I snore on my back, I snore on my stomach and I snore on my side. Never used to be a horrible snorer, but since I’ve gained weight, the snoring has gotten worse. Never really would snore on my stomach or side unless I was sick and stuffed up. I also just feel constantly tired and run down, like I just don’t get enough sleep even though I try to nearly always get at least seven hours of sleep. My parents keep hounding me to set up an appointment and I keep telling them that I’m working on it, but I’m scared to go. I don’t want to find out that something is massively wrong with me or be told that I have to lose weight.

Look, I already know that. I fight with my weight issues every day and it makes me sad that I even let myself get this way in the first place. But depression sucks ass. There are only so many things that can be said to lose weight and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard them all and tried a lot of things. I refuse to be bulimic because the thought of vomiting after eat is just terrible and I cry every time I vomit. So it’s just not an option. Even if it were a healthy option, I still wouldn’t do it. Anorexia, I’ve sort of been that before. It wasn’t really serious or anything, but I would eat, but hardly anything at all. I’ve thought about doing that again, but I’ve come to realize that I like food too much. Especially bread. I love bread, crackers, pasta, ugh, and it goes straight to my ass and thighs every time.

Anyway, yeah. I’m just scared to go. That’s it. I know I’m going to be told that I need to get rid of some weight. I’ll have joint issues later on in life or sooner from carrying so much weight around on my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I get it.

So I guess, that’s another thing I do in my down time is think about shit like this and worry about it. Not awesome. But I’m trying to be better about it. Promise.

I Don’t Even Know…

Oh my goodness, what a busy weekend! Spent nearly all of it at my parents so I am in parental overload right now and don’t particularly want to see them until this next weekend when I go to church. I need a week to decompress and catch up on sleep if at all possible. I almost did this morning and ended up being 20 minutes late to work. So not how I wanted to start the day, let alone the week. But, regardless of all of that, my weekend was wonderful and I got to spend a lot of time with my nephew. I think this last month is the most time I’ve spent with my nephew since he was born. I’m glad that he misses me when I’m not around him and asks about me. He is such a little ham and I love him a lot. Totally excited for his sibling to be born in September, he’s going to be a wonderful big brother.

Easter was good, my mom said she didn’t get me any Peeps, but one of my aunties surprised me with a small basket with some Peeps and some new nail polish colors along with some healthy snacks. I freaking loooooooooove Peeps. Besides blowing them up in the microwave on graham crackers to make s’mores, I poke holes in the packaging to let them get hard. That’s the best way to eat them.

Hey, Happy Opening Day for baseball! Go Brewers! The place I work decided to allow sports apparel to be worn along with tennis shoes and sneakers, though I have worn my Converse All Stars frequently in the past when I was in my old position. With the new one, I haven’t worn them as much yet. Anyway, I bought two new Brewers shirts the other week because I couldn’t decide what one I liked better so I got both. That’s the logical thing to do right? Lol.

Hrmm.. what else is new.. Not a whole lot actually. I did realize this weekend that I have the piano music to ‘Norwegian Wood’ by The Beatles memorized apparently.  I printed out a bunch of sheet music on Friday, probably abusing my printer privileges at work. Anyway, one of the ones I printed was ‘The Scientist’ by Coldplay and I trying to learn it while my nephew was over at my parents and he wanted to hear my play something else. I didn’t have the piano book that has Norwegian Wood in it with me, but I was able to play it anyway for my little man. He had like five seconds worth of interest in my playing and then ran off to do something else. I didn’t expect much less from a two and a half year old, but it’s still sweet he wanted me to play something. After he ran off, I played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for him and he started singing it in the other room.

After my nephew left, I helped my mom fill and hide about 120 plastic Easter eggs in the basement for the little kids of the family to find on Sunday. I didn’t think we’d find enough spots for them, but we did. Usually they would be hidden outside and it would be a free for all, but with the snow still on the ground, it was muddy and a little cold out.

I dunno, looks like I’m rambling again so I’ll stop that. I also realized that I may or may not have a crush on a co-worker.. which is annoying. I know I shouldn’t be “looking” or anything because of being with my SLP, but damn, my SLP drives me insane some days and I find myself wondering if I should leave him. I can’t ever decide though because I’m too wishy washy about it and comfortable where I am. I do know though, that if it gets to the point where I am not comfortable in the situation, I will be leaving. So I guess, I can still have crushes (are they even called that at my age?) on people and still be with my SLP. I’d never act on said crushes or cheat on my SLP. The horrible thing about this crush, is that he sits like diagonally across from me, so I see him every time I look up. It also doesn’t hurt that he has a nice voice to listen to. Man.. I’m doomed. But like I said before, I’m not looking to cheat or anything, but he’s just cute and nice and polite and is rather quiet. My SLP is not quiet, always talking while we watch tv shows, when we watch movies at home and sometimes at the theater. It’s like constant chatter from the moment I get home to when I go to bed. I talk to people all day on the phone at work. I don’t really wish to do a lot of talking when I get home. I think a lot of my SLP’s problem is, is that he’s home all day alone with two cats and some fish, so he doesn’t really socialize much. He doesn’t work, does a lot of sleeping during the day and does not do a whole lot around the house while I’m at work.

However, I was pleasantly surprised that he did actually clean the main level of the house. Only things left downstairs are scrubbing/mopping/washing the kitchen floor, I must say that I love my Swiffer Wet Jet. It is fabulous and even better it’s the red one. As for the upstairs, I said that I would clean that. It’s only the room that I occupy and the bathroom. So I may do that when I get home today. Might as well because then the house is relatively clean.

Oh, and before I end this post, I want to complain lol. I finally called the gym I have a membership at to see what I need to do to cancel the membership. Looks like I’m stuck because I signed a contract. Bastards. Even if it were medically necessary for me to cancel the member ship, the most they can do is just put the membership on hold for an extended period of time. The only options I have available to me are to put it on hold for up to three months without a doctor’s letter, or longer with the letter explaining why it needs to be put on hold. However, if the membership is put on hold, then the months are just tacked on to the end of the membership and I would still have to pay for them. The other option would be to sell my membership to someone and pay a one-time transfer fee. Not worth the headache since my membership ends next March. Since I’m stuck with it, I may as well just suck it up and go, but only at night and on the weekends when there is not a lot of people there. Damnit anxiety, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass?

Just a Post to Ramble On…

I figure today is going to be a day that I complain. My SLP wants me to cancel my gym membership. I’m actually ok with that and ready to be done with the gym. I was just having a conversation with my friend, who also has a membership at the same gym, and she said that if she is already changed into workout clothes, she is able to just go in, get on a machine and go. She doesn’t notice the people around her. I told her that I can’t not notice the people when I walk into the gym, and then I see all of these fit people; it just makes me massively discouraged. I know that weight loss is a long journey and there are no overnight solutions for it.

 

One of the last times I went to the gym, some lady next to me on one of the bikes said, “You see all these fit people and that is what you strive for. The fit people see you and that’s what they work towards not becoming.” Oh yeah, that’s going to make a female with massive self-image issues feel oh so much better about herself. The thing about that lady that struck me as odd, is that she also said she uses that as motivation for herself, but she is a much larger lady than I am, or was at the time I last saw her.

 

I think if I had to describe myself, I would pick ‘husky’ from Gabriel Iglesias’s levels of fatness. If he used to describe himself as ‘fluffy’ then I would definitely be ‘husky’ on his scale.

 

 

Thanks to Pinterest, I’ve found a lot of daily workouts to try at home. So losing the gym membership really won’t hurt me in any way since I stopped going. I keep telling myself that next week is going to be the week I start exercising and working out again, then next week arrives and I just tell myself again that next week will be the week. But hopefully, this next week since it’s also the start of a new month I will start working out at home. I think it’s a good opportunity and I’ll have to set myself some goals to achieve as well.

 

Another thing I wanted to ramble about was that it is Easter weekend. Yay Easter! I think I’m more excited about helping my nephew color eggs tonight at my parents. He’s still a little too young to fully grasp the whole resurrection story, which is fine because I think he’s more excited about looking for eggs and getting an Easter basket from the ‘Easter Bunny.’ Eh, what can you do, the kid is going to turn three this year.

 

Also happening this weekend, two of my favorite television shows are airing new episodes, Game of Thrones and Doctor Who. I’m so excited those two are back! Until this year, I hadn’t really watched any GoT episodes, but my SLP and I would do mini marathons over the weekends and now we are both hooked. DW, we started watching when it was on the Sci-Fi channel a few years ago when it was rebooted with Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor.

 

And speaking of Doctor Who, I’m going to leave you with this…