Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.

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