Writing and its Awesomeness

I feel kind of stuck today. Not really a bad thing, just not sure what to write about. Maybe that’s a good subject, writing. I’ve been talking with a friend of mine this morning about writing. She was im’ing me a few lines from a post she’s working on. I keep telling her she should be a writer. She’s got this amazing style and a very awesome point of view. Her husband also likes to write and he’s got this fantastic idea for an original fantasy novel. I truly hope he gets his idea down on paper because I would love to read it.

It’s strange. I love the idea of writing a book, but I don’t know that I could come up with something original enough or something written well enough that people would want to read it. It’s definitely something that I struggle with because I don’t think that I am original or that I even write well. I know technically my grammar is horrible, but it’s not something that I really care about too much. I do like the help from Open Office and Word offer when something isn’t right, but even then it’s not always correct so I use it more as a guide. I would love to be an author with a best-selling novel or short story, but my lack of originality and my style of writing probably won’t make for a good story.

Speaking of writing style, I feel like my style is rambling. Mostly because I guess that’s how I write on here. Even when I’m writing something else for myself or to share with the lucky few people I trust to not judge me into oblivion, it still turns into dribble that has been rambled to hell and back. My other writing style seems to be that I write how I speak, or at least how I think I sound when I speak. I guess if you could ask anyone that I talk to on a daily basis they might tell you that I have a unique way of speaking. Probably because it’s me. I don’t think I’m that original or unique, but in our own rights we are all unique and different.

Hrrmmm.. what else about writing can I ramble on about today. I do love writing, and I consider it one of my hobbies. I guess my love of writing decided to show up when I was in middle school. It started out as silly ridiculous fan fiction of a band I happened to like at the time. Then Star Wars happened. Yeah, I won’t get too much into that one cause it’s still on going and yeah, lol. Some other fandoms popped up as well as certain people and other bands. But I don’t know that it was until 1998 when I was in eighth grade and my English teacher made us keep journals. She always said that writing saved her life and I would always ask her why. She finally answered and unfortunately, I can’t remember what she said. But whatever it was, I’m glad it happened. She was the best teacher I ever had until another English teacher I had in high school. Funny thing is, those two roomed together in college.

Anyway, I think I can say without a doubt that writing saved my life as well. It’s helped shape me into the person I am today; it’s been an amazing outlet for me when I’ve been depressed beyond anything else. I can go back and read what I wrote and know that I am working on never going back to that dark place again. Music has also saved my life, but that’s not what this post is about today.

I think I’m going to end my post here for now. There really isn’t much more that I feel I can ramble on about writing. I’m sure that if I think of something else, I’ll add it or just write a new post on something else later today.

I did want to add a note of thanks to all of you that actually read this. THANK YOU! Whether you actually read it or not, it has helped me personally to get my thoughts out as well as my dreams and to work through some issues that have been plaguing me for quite a while. If I could I would bake all of you cookies with frosting. Thank you!

Silly Little Things

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about today but then I had a thought, silly things that make me cry. I thought it would be pretty boring, but I ran the idea by my friend and she said that could be interesting. So, let’s see where this goes. I guess I could start with the obvious and that would be movies. Yes, it’s almost guaranteed that I will be leaking tears during a sad movie or at least during a massively sad part of a movie. Come on, who didn’t cry when Mufasa died in the Lion King and that ridiculously sad bit with the song ‘Baby Mine’ from Dumbo. .. Stupid Disney. Don’t even get me started on Titanic, that old couple in the bed with the water rushing in around them. Yep.

But here’s something I bet you didn’t know… In the first Transformers movie when the people of Sector 7 catch up to the heroes of the movie and they capture Bumblebee, for some reason that part makes me tear up. Another movie I had tears during was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith when Anakin leads his assault on the Jedi Temple and kills the younglings who were hiding out in the High Council chambers. But that part is supposed to be sad. How would you feel if someone you trusted and looked up to just stormed your home and murdered you? I also may have cried a bit when Bane broke Batman in The Dark Knight Rises. The last two movies I saw in the theater, Iron Man 3 and the new Star Trek- I may or may not have had some tears at some point during each of those movies.

As for television shows, there are quite a few that make me cry. Especially Doctor Who. Damnit, Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat! Those two, I have shed countless tears over the episodes they have done. The one that gets me the most is one from series five called ‘Vincent and the Doctor.’ I also cried during the series finale of The Office. Yep. I love that show and I’m sad to see it go, but I’m also glad that they didn’t drag it out like some television series have been. There have been a few cartoons that have made me tear. Recently, I was watching an episode of Justice League Unlimited. It was an episode called ‘Epilogue’ and the episode was centered around Batman and how even when Bruce Wayne’s body is old and failing; the world still needs a Batman. Anyway, there is a flash back sequence that the character Amanda Waller is telling Terry McGinnis (who is the new Batman in the Batman Beyond series) about the kind of person Bruce Wayne is ahh.. screw it.. here’s a summary someone else wrote for the episode lol. I suck at this stuff..

65 years in the future from the present time, Terry McGinnis breaks into the home of former Project Cadmus director Amanda Waller to get some answers Bruce Wayne wasn’t willing to give him — answers about his actual genetic heritage, his being a close enough DNA match for Bruce Wayne. Waller first entertains McGinnis with a story about Bruce Wayne as Batman confronting Ace of the Royal Flush Gang, whose mental abilities were increasing and would suffer a brain aneurysm that would have a deadly psychic backlash, how he chose not to use Waller’s device to kill Ace but rather chose to sit with her to give her comfort until her death. Then Waller finally tells McGinnis that she is the one responsible for making him a genetic match for Bruce Wayne, all for the purpose of making sure there would be a Batman that would carry on the fight for justice. However, despite her hand in creating McGinnis to be what he is, she tells him that he still has a free will to do whatever he chooses to do with his life. McGinnis chooses to propose to his long-time girlfriend Dana Tan and to carry on in the mantle of the Batman, stating to the elderly Bruce, “I’ve got it covered, always.”

So, anyway, there were two things in that episode that made me tear up a bit. The first being when Terry confronts Bruce the first time about being a near perfect match to donate a kidney to Bruce, Bruce is sitting in a chair in the Batcave and is trying to open a bottle of medication. He’s like 90 years old at this point, but still, to see the person that was once Batman, who kept his body in prime condition and yet could not open a pill bottle. The second part is during the flashback with Ace from the Royal Flush Gang. Since he is the only one that Ace has seen before out of the group of Justice Leaguers that were there, he went to “kill” her, which he does not. He never intended to, but the conversation the two of them had and the way he just sat on the swing (I’m so lame.. I’m tearing up as I type here. I must look like an idiot sitting at my desk lol) next to Ace basically comforting her as she dies. Yep. Not sure why, but it makes me cry. Probably because of seeing someone like Batman, a fierce protector and complete bamf, sit down with someone who is essentially a little girl who knows she’s dying and offering comfort to her. Honestly, I love that character. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I’m weird like that, but if I could, I would totally marry Batman/Bruce Wayne.

Books. Holy balls, books. There are way too many to even begin listing and discuss that make me cry. Some of them are even books that normally wouldn’t make a person cry, but somehow I end up in tears. Same thing with music. I just can’t even start a list of songs because it would be massively long lol.

So, now you know something absolutely ridiculous about me. On a lighter note, I absolutely love the nail polish I’ve got on my finger nails currently! I wasn’t sure how I would like a gold polish with my skin tone, but I have to say it looks pretty good. I think the black tips help. So on each hand, there are four nails with the gold polish as a base with black tips and the other finger has a black base with a gold tip. And! To make it even more awesome, my right hand looks pretty good considering I am right handed and any time I try to do something fun, my left hand is so uncoordinated that it makes my nails look like a two-year-old tried to paint the Mona Lisa…blindfolded. Lol.

Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.

Possible Avoidance, Doctors and Things To Do

So, it’s not like I’ve been avoiding posting anything on here, I’ve just been a little depressed lately. Bad things are happening all over the place. Bombings, ricin, bullies, and just the general people being idiots too. The weather in my area is so not helping either. Rainy, chilly, drab and dreary looking, just most unpleasant.

My Spouse-Like-Person and I have been doing a marathon of Once Upon a Time. We stopped watching after the first season to let the episodes build up because we don’t really like suspense, lol. So this past Sunday, we’ve been watching the episodes we have in the DVR. Where in the hell do they dig up these hot, sexy looking actors? Man. Not just the guys, the ladies too, are quite beautiful. I’m not really a fan of a man wearing eyeliner, but the guy that plays Captain Killian “Hook” Jones pulls it off and is … just wow. Colin O’Donoghue. Yep. Google him. Now.

Besides that, it got me thinking to do a post about what I like to do in my down time, or at least when I’m not doing something online or on the computer. I love to read. Probably one of the things that I like doing the most, but I’m really picky when it comes to books. I also like watch tv and movies as well listen to music.

I seem to go in waves of other things that I like to waste my time on. Right now it is jig saw puzzles. Not sure why, but I like putting together puzzles. This past winter, I really got into cross stitching. I started stitching ornaments for the Christmas tree. My goal is to have enough to be the only ornaments on the tree, and still have it look full. So far, I’ve got maybe 10 done? Not sure. I started with the intent to have the ornaments be things from Super Mario, like the 1-Up mushroom, fire flower, piranha plant, Yoshi’s egg, the magic flute and stuff like that. However, I’m starting to think that with the things I have picked out that I want to stitch, that won’t be enough to cover the tree so I’m going to start looking for patterns for other video game characters, power ups and other objects that are easily recognizable.

Other things I like to do are draw, even though I’m really bad at it. Every now and then, I’ll actually draw something that is pretty spectacular or really good at least. I also love to bake cookies, cakes, cupcakes and other tasty desserts. Playing the piano is fun too and writing in general.

As for computer related things that I like to do are read fan fiction, but again, I’m really pick when it comes to that. I also like sim games like Roller Coaster Tycoon and Zoo Tycoon. I think my all-time favorite games for the computer are Wolfenstein 3D and Doom. In addition to games on the computer, I also love video games.

In addition to the above, I like to make cards with my mom. She’s got a super awesome basement that is like a scrapbooking heaven. I also like to sleep in, but I can’t seem to do that lately.

Now for something a little different.. My SLP and I have been on pretty good terms lately, there is still a lot of stress and things between us. He still won’t stop talking during tv shows, making the marathon of Once Upon a Time a little annoying. We recently played kitty rescuers. I wanted to keep one, but he said no. It was even the colors that I want in a cat. However, last year and the year before I was the one saying no to a new kitten in the house. But now that I’ve seen kittens again and been around them again, I want another one.

Something even more different, I think I need to go to the doctor. I’ve had this breathing thing for a while now. I don’t even know what to call it really. I go through I guess waves of a few days where I feel like I can’t get a deep enough breath. I’m not choking or anything like that; it just feels like I’m not getting enough air in to fully expand my diaphragm so I’m constantly yawning. I also think that I may have that sleep apnea thing too. I snore on my back, I snore on my stomach and I snore on my side. Never used to be a horrible snorer, but since I’ve gained weight, the snoring has gotten worse. Never really would snore on my stomach or side unless I was sick and stuffed up. I also just feel constantly tired and run down, like I just don’t get enough sleep even though I try to nearly always get at least seven hours of sleep. My parents keep hounding me to set up an appointment and I keep telling them that I’m working on it, but I’m scared to go. I don’t want to find out that something is massively wrong with me or be told that I have to lose weight.

Look, I already know that. I fight with my weight issues every day and it makes me sad that I even let myself get this way in the first place. But depression sucks ass. There are only so many things that can be said to lose weight and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard them all and tried a lot of things. I refuse to be bulimic because the thought of vomiting after eat is just terrible and I cry every time I vomit. So it’s just not an option. Even if it were a healthy option, I still wouldn’t do it. Anorexia, I’ve sort of been that before. It wasn’t really serious or anything, but I would eat, but hardly anything at all. I’ve thought about doing that again, but I’ve come to realize that I like food too much. Especially bread. I love bread, crackers, pasta, ugh, and it goes straight to my ass and thighs every time.

Anyway, yeah. I’m just scared to go. That’s it. I know I’m going to be told that I need to get rid of some weight. I’ll have joint issues later on in life or sooner from carrying so much weight around on my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I get it.

So I guess, that’s another thing I do in my down time is think about shit like this and worry about it. Not awesome. But I’m trying to be better about it. Promise.

Well, That’s Annoying…

I’ve realized a few things that are annoying- well there is a lot, but I’ll just mention a few. First being, I do not like certain actresses, but really enjoyed movies they were in. For example, The Avengers, I’m not a fan of Scarlett Johansson, but she does kick some serious ass as Black Widow, still don’t like her though. Another example would be Kristen Stewart.. not a fan. However, I did enjoy Snow White and the Huntsman last night when I saw it but not because of her. Speaking of Kristen Stewart, there is only one movie that I have ever considered walking out of the theater and that was Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1. Honestly, how sodding boring is that? She’s just sitting there getting the life sucked out of her by her kid that really should not have even be born- considering Edward is technically dead, therefor should not have any living sperm. Just saying, lol. But still, that movie was so boring; I considered breaking the rule of having my phone out to do something other than watch that crap on the screen. I suppose I could have taken a nap too. Generally I have enjoyed nearly all the movies I’ve seen.

Another thing that I find rather annoying, is that a few posts ago, I mentioned my current dislike for the band Hanson. Well, I got bored the other night and was on SoundCloud listening to some music on there and came across a new song of theirs. Yeah.. I liked it enough to want to listen to some of their other new stuff. It’s not bad, and somehow it’s what I expected of them. I don’t know why I expected something like that from them, but maybe the way their music has progressed through the years, it’s what they’ve decided is their sound. As much as I like some of their new songs, it’s not enough to make me like them as much as I used to. There’s still a lot of personal history connected to their older songs that I can’t really listen to them without those past memories coming back and that is something I want to avoid. I’ve already dealt with it, and it’s the past. Maybe someday I’ll be able to talk about it, but now is not the time or place. Speaking of Hanson, since I liked them before it was cool to like them back in the day, does that make me a hipster? Man I hope not, because I am so not hipster material.

Hrmm.. What else is annoying to me? Well a lot of things actually, so I don’t really know what else to mention here. The rest are going to be more along the lines of complaints but still things that are annoying to me. But anyway, maybe something from work I suppose. In the job that I hold, I get between 300 and 400 phone calls a day and I’ve estimated that I probably speak to twice as many people on the phone. One of the things that tends to annoy me the most besides asshole attorneys calling about claims status are people calling in saying “I just got a call from this number.” Really? Wow. Good job at listening to your voicemail before calling in. Most of the time it’s for a claim, but I still have to ask if it’s for a quote or a claim. Since it’s a claim, then I have to ask for a claim number. Most of the time people don’t have that with them because it’s “at home with all the other papers for the claim.” If I had to guess, I’d say about 65-75% of the calls are for claims. Kind of annoying that people don’t know how to use the automated system to get to the claims area, but if they did, I may not have a job. So I suppose it’s one of those annoying blessings.

Something else that annoys me greatly is people talking with stuff in their mouth. First of all, it’s disgusting to see people talking with food in their mouth. Secondly, it’s hard to understand what they are saying. How hard is it to wait a few extra seconds to finish chewing the food before talking, was something really that important that it had to be said that particular moment? Ugh. Lol.

Ooh, something I was just reminded of that is rather annoying, bad hold music. Since I’m on hold to the help desk right now for work, I’ve got some pretty bad and cheesy hold music going on in my ear. Some of the hold music for the company I work for isn’t bad, but this one is terrible.

I guess this is going to be a shorter post today since I’m running out of time and I don’t really want to keep going on and on and on about that lol. There is a lot more things that I could complain about, but I will refrain from that.

Music to Me is Like the Air I Breathe

Alright, I originally wanted to jabber about food and how glorious it is, but since I was on Facebook during my lunch I decided to change my topic. Mostly because I saw this thing a friend posted about Muse playing with Metallica this summer at the Summer Sonic festival that takes place in Tokyo and Osaka, click here to see the full line up for both nights. I just can’t even.. Muse, Metallica, Linkin Park, The Smashing Pumpkins, Pet Shop Boys, Beady Eye, Cheap Trick, Stereophonics, Bullet For My Valentine, Two Door Cinema Club, Imagine Dragons.. holy hell. So yeah, I think I need to win the lottery so I can afford to go, because that would just be fucking amazing.

Anyway, I figured I would talk about music instead of food. For me, music sort of is food- like I can’t live without it. I’m trying something out at work today to see how well it goes, and that is to listen to music while I take calls. In the past I’ve been really good about it, but I was in a call center where a whole lot of concentration wasn’t needed. Where I am now I do need to concentrate a bit more, but so far I’m doing well. I certainly won’t do this every day, but maybe a few days out of the week or in the mornings to keep me more awake.

Speaking of music festivals, I went to my first one a few years ago when Muse were playing Lollapalooza in Chicago. After that I decided that I probably won’t ever do another festival unless Muse plays or another band I really like. Because of my anxiety issues, I had a hard time dealing with all of the people at Lolla, but in the end it was absolutely worth it. The things that I didn’t like were the people body surfing and falling on my head and the pushing and shoving and being in a crowd of uncomfortably hot and sweaty bodies. I was also not a fan of people smoking pot around me and purposely blowing it in other people’s faces because it was funny. That’s just rude. I understand that there is always going to be drinking and drug use at music festivals and concerts, but to purpose flaunt what you are doing along with being a jerk about it just sucks.

As for concerts in stadiums or arenas or outside venues I will absolutely go. I’ve been to a few in my relatively short life time so far, the first being the Turtles when they played at the Dane County Fair a long time ago, my brother took me to see them. Then after that, it was Hanson in 1998, Backstreet Boys in 1999 or 2000, Muse in 2010, 2011 (Lolla) and more recently this last March when they were in Chicago. So that’s not a whole lot of concerts compared to some people, but I am always looking to go see a good band live. I have a list of who I want to see before I die, and even though I have seen Muse three times now, they still top my list. Next would be Metallica. I would love to see them with my brother since it’s his fault I like them. When he was in high school and still living at home before going to college, he would always play Metallica in the morning while he was getting ready while I was in my room listening to a local Top 40’s radio station. I’d always end up turning off my radio and listening to Metallica instead and not really understanding what it was, I was in first, second, third and fourth grades while my brother was in high school. After Metallica, Daft Punk rounds out the top three.

Music in general, there is no way that I could live without it. To me it is like the air I breathe. I like such a wide range of music; it’s hard for me to choose a favorite genre. I can’t even say that I don’t like country, but I’m very picky and I don’t like a lot of the newer country music. I could care less if you think your tractor is sexy. I do, however, love Johnny Cash. What’s not to love about the original man in black? Great songs, great voice and I’m sure that if I were born many years earlier and were of age, I’d totally hit on him lol. Not like you needed to or even cared to know that.

Something else about music that I love, are remixes and mash-ups. With the help of SoundCloud, I have discovered a lot of amazing songs. I think I’ll just have to make a post of stuff from there. One of my favorite things I’ve found on there is a mash-up that has Flesh & Bones by The Hacker fest. Perspects, Map of the Problematique by Muse, The Orgy by The Glove, and some other songs as well as a sample from Star Trek IV. Since that is a favorite song of mine, I will put that on here.