Just A Few Things…

It has been day three that my SLP has been gone. Only a few more days to go until he’s back. And you know what? I haven’t done a damn thing. All I’ve done is sit at the computer from the time I get home from work until I go to bed.. if I even go to bed. Monday night I didn’t go to sleep at all and was already running on three hours of sleep. Last night I finally was able to fall asleep around midnight. For a while I didn’t know if I could fall asleep because I was to the point where I was so tired, that I wasn’t tired anymore.

In addition to the lack of sleep, I was also kind of afraid to go to sleep. The last few times it’s stormed, some large branches and tree limbs have fallen. The latest from a tree that is right next to the house. Now don’t get me wrong, I love thunderstorms! Watching for lightning streaks racing across the storm darkened skies and the rumble of thunder are things that I love.

I’ve decided something a little bit ago. I think I’m ready for a change in my lifestyle in terms of weight loss. I’ve been wishy washy about it and not really ready to commit to it, but now after doing a lot of thinking the last few days, I’m ready. Or not, lol. Probably by the afternoon I will have changed my mind again. I’m pretty sure my brain is hardwired to be a pain in the ass when it comes to making decisions.

I had thought about talking about something else today, but for some reason that idea or thought is escaping me. I guess if I ever remember what it is, I’ll just write about it tomorrow. I did also want to add that I’m still very actively writing that Batman thing I started lol. I didn’t think it would be good, but I’ve shared it with three people, and two out of the three that I know have read it for sure like it a lot. Perhaps I will post it on here eventually, but I don’t want to unless I’ve finished it because I don’t want to leave anyone that reads it hanging because it’s not complete. There are some fan fictions that I’ve read, where it starts out really great, but then just as you’re getting to a good part, there’s no more. Which is rather annoying. It would be like reading the first half of a good book, but the author didn’t finish the book. Very annoying.

Other than all of that, there really isn’t much else that’s new with me. So, what’s new with you?

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Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I’ve been having mixed feelings lately and I am really ashamed to admit that I have recently thought about cheating on my person. I don’t even know how I would go about doing that? I don’t go out and hit on people, and dating sites and the like scare me because I wonder how truthful people are on those. Even the more adult ones. I don’t know. I just don’t. Does this make me a bad person that I’ve thought about doing something like that? I know I’m not the only one that had thought about it, even in my own relationship with my person. I know he’s thought about it- we’ve even talked about it. I’m just too scared to talk to him about it. I know I’m not perfect by any means, but for some reason, me admitting I’ve thought about something like this is weak. I should be able to control my thoughts better than I have been. I actually don’t know what’s worse; thinking about cheating, not being able to control those thoughts, or seeing both of those things as a weakness.

I will be completely honest, my person and I haven’t done anything with each other in a very long time, at least a year. I just think I’m broken. I feel broken. Sure, things work, but mentally, I don’t know that I work or even if there is a connection anymore. That is probably due to my depression and anxiety, but I’ve been on this medication for six months now. I feel amazing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy again, but I still feel that part of me is missing. My person has made comments about he can see the old me, before the depression hit hard, starting to come out and he misses the old me. That may be, but I don’t know that I want the old pre-depression me to come back. I feel like a new person and I need to move forward with my life, not go back to how things used to be because I know that it won’t ever be like that again.

People change, and that’s something that is always going to happen. You can’t stop change just like you can’t stop the sun from setting. I didn’t intend on changing from the pre-depressed me to the me I am today. It just happened over time. Is this new me a cheater? Probably not. If given the opportunity, I think I might take it, but then I’d get to wherever the deed would happen and not be able to walk in. It’s just not me to cheat on my person. As much as he drives me insane, as much as I actually hate him at times, and as much as I want to strangle him, I would never ever cheat on him. I’m too loyal and I don’t know if I could ever live with myself if I did. Besides, my person would probably be more disappointed that he didn’t get to watch or be part of it lol. I’m not sure if that’s something that would interest me. It’s just a strange thought to me.

So, regardless of how much I think about it some days, toady being a day that it’s on my mind a lot for some reason, I would not be able to go through with it. If I do cheat on him with anything, it would be fictional characters in books. Falling in and out of love with them.. that’s just a temporary emotional bond and not exactly physically cheating.

But now that I mention that, I guess I did lie in a sense. I’ve been cheating on him with fictional characters from books for our entire relationship. But it’s not that physical bond, more emotional. Even then though, it’s not like it’s lasted any longer than the book or anything else beyond the words on the pages, so I suppose that’s not really cheating. If it were, there would be a lot of cheaters in the world.

The entire cheating aspect is like a naughty fantasy, and that’s all it ever would be. A fantasy, and one that would never come to fruition in my life. I think those thoughts are going to be stored away in my memory warehouse in the file with other things like getting it on with an actor that I have absolutely no chance with, let alone even meeting him.

For other people, I do understand why they cheat. No physical contact between each other, no emotional bond, and some do it just because that’s how they are. I don’t know that I’m any of those even though there is no physical connection between my person and I lately and certainly no emotional bond from me towards him.

I just feel lost.

What I’ve Learned on Twitter…

I couldn’t think of anything to write about this morning for here, so I busted out my trusty list of stuff to write about. The only one that seemed like a good idea was ‘Things I Learned on Twitter.’ So, what did I learn on Twitter you may ask? Well, first of all, people are fucking crazy and amazing.

In the world of ‘I want it now,’ Twitter is fantastic. You can follow all the major news outlets, local news, sports teams, celebrities, bands.. you name it and it’s probably there to follow. Getting the latest news and gossip are some of the major draws of Twitter.

For me though, my adventures on Twitter started out as following a band, Muse, and then it turned into a tweet-fest when they were at the Grammy Awards a few years ago now. I met some pretty wonderful people on there who I consider some of my closest friends. One who I was lucky enough met in real life- her and I always joke that we are twins born a year apart. These friendships I’ve formed with people who I never thought I would meet are some of the most important in my life. In high school, I realized something about all of the friends I had at the time. They were superficial. I went through a really hard time and nearly dropped out my senior year. Not one of my friends, even the person who I thought was my best friend didn’t even ask how I was. Granted, part of that was my fault because I didn’t want those people to know I was in the mental hospital for , I think ten or fourteen days- which I didn’t even need to be there and I think that messed me up more than anything. But yeah, I didn’t want people to know I was there, and so I pushed those people away. When I went back to school after that, some people asked and I just said that was out sick.

Even after the hospital, things went back to normal for a little bit, but then I became more and more withdrawn from the world and stopped talking to my friends. The thing that I find strange now that I’m looking back on my senior year, those people I considered friends didn’t seem to care that I essentially gave up and didn’t ask what was going on or even offered to help. So, how’s that for friends? Pretty shitty.

The whole point of that little back story is that on Twitter, people are willing to give help for anything. And they are people that I’ve never met and probably never will meet. The thing about Twitter that I like, is that it’s anonymous, and there are only a few people on there who know me in real life. When I first tweeted, I was rather fake because I didn’t know if I would continue to use Twitter. After a while though, I started showing the real me on there- political views, feelings and stuff like that. For me, Twitter was like a glorified chat room where you could only use 140 characters at a time to talk.

I guess this is going to be another shorter post. My brain is still in overdrive with my Batman thing I’ve been working on. But the whole point of this, what I’ve learned on Twitter is that while people are fucking crazy, they are pretty wonderful too if you are lucky enough to fall into a crowd of great people.

Short and Sweet.. Like Me

Heyyy… I promise, I didn’t forget about posting on here. Just been a little preoccupied with some other things lately; tree damage in my yard from recent storms, got into beading again and got hit in the head by my creative writing muse. So I have been working on a bit of something Batman related. I’ve only shared it with two people, and I don’t know that I would ever share it with anyone else. I’m so not confident in my own writing skills. The things that I have share with people, they have told me it’s good and stuff, but I still feel as if it’s just really boring and the plot is something that’s been written about so many times that no one would want to read it because it’s boring. That’s something that I worry a bit about on here, but then I just take a step back and realize that no one really reads this blog like thing except maybe a few people, and those few people actually know me, so it’s just like I’m writing an email to them or something.

Other than the above, things are starting to look up for me. The last week in June, my person will be going to visit his parents for a week or a little longer so I will have the house to myself. EXCITING! I am starting to make some plans for that week. Nothing huge, but we have a small bathroom downstairs that I want to make over- wallpaper needs to come down and some fresh paint.

Another thing that has been exciting for me would be a few work related things. First being that I got to train the new person in the department. I lucked out though because I have previously worked with her and trained her before so I knew her style and how hard I could push. I still have my doubts that I did a bad job training, but I think that’s because I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. Apparently, I’m also going to be training another new person in July. We’ll see how that goes because I don’t know this person or her style of learning a new job so I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to be that one person people hate because I train like a drill sergeant or something.

The second and last thing for now that I’m excited about for work is that I think I’ve finally come up with a goal. To eventually be the manager of the department I’m in now. I think currently I’m on track, however I do need to get one of those fancy pieces of paper saying that I graduated from a business management course at a college level. I suppose that’s doable and I’m not as scared to go to college like I was the first time. Since I’ve been on my medication, my depression has nearly gone away now and I’ve become quite the social butterfly compared to how I was before. My anxiety has all dropped as well. Sure, I’m still going to be depressed and anxious about things, but it won’t be as bad as it was without this medication. I just feel much better and happier as well.

I think that’s going to be it for this post, short and sweet. I hope all of you that are this blog have a wonderful weekend and Father’s Day!

Writing and its Awesomeness

I feel kind of stuck today. Not really a bad thing, just not sure what to write about. Maybe that’s a good subject, writing. I’ve been talking with a friend of mine this morning about writing. She was im’ing me a few lines from a post she’s working on. I keep telling her she should be a writer. She’s got this amazing style and a very awesome point of view. Her husband also likes to write and he’s got this fantastic idea for an original fantasy novel. I truly hope he gets his idea down on paper because I would love to read it.

It’s strange. I love the idea of writing a book, but I don’t know that I could come up with something original enough or something written well enough that people would want to read it. It’s definitely something that I struggle with because I don’t think that I am original or that I even write well. I know technically my grammar is horrible, but it’s not something that I really care about too much. I do like the help from Open Office and Word offer when something isn’t right, but even then it’s not always correct so I use it more as a guide. I would love to be an author with a best-selling novel or short story, but my lack of originality and my style of writing probably won’t make for a good story.

Speaking of writing style, I feel like my style is rambling. Mostly because I guess that’s how I write on here. Even when I’m writing something else for myself or to share with the lucky few people I trust to not judge me into oblivion, it still turns into dribble that has been rambled to hell and back. My other writing style seems to be that I write how I speak, or at least how I think I sound when I speak. I guess if you could ask anyone that I talk to on a daily basis they might tell you that I have a unique way of speaking. Probably because it’s me. I don’t think I’m that original or unique, but in our own rights we are all unique and different.

Hrrmmm.. what else about writing can I ramble on about today. I do love writing, and I consider it one of my hobbies. I guess my love of writing decided to show up when I was in middle school. It started out as silly ridiculous fan fiction of a band I happened to like at the time. Then Star Wars happened. Yeah, I won’t get too much into that one cause it’s still on going and yeah, lol. Some other fandoms popped up as well as certain people and other bands. But I don’t know that it was until 1998 when I was in eighth grade and my English teacher made us keep journals. She always said that writing saved her life and I would always ask her why. She finally answered and unfortunately, I can’t remember what she said. But whatever it was, I’m glad it happened. She was the best teacher I ever had until another English teacher I had in high school. Funny thing is, those two roomed together in college.

Anyway, I think I can say without a doubt that writing saved my life as well. It’s helped shape me into the person I am today; it’s been an amazing outlet for me when I’ve been depressed beyond anything else. I can go back and read what I wrote and know that I am working on never going back to that dark place again. Music has also saved my life, but that’s not what this post is about today.

I think I’m going to end my post here for now. There really isn’t much more that I feel I can ramble on about writing. I’m sure that if I think of something else, I’ll add it or just write a new post on something else later today.

I did want to add a note of thanks to all of you that actually read this. THANK YOU! Whether you actually read it or not, it has helped me personally to get my thoughts out as well as my dreams and to work through some issues that have been plaguing me for quite a while. If I could I would bake all of you cookies with frosting. Thank you!

Regrets and a Few Other Things

Here it is Friday night, I’m at home sitting at my computer trying to think of something to post. I had this idea while I was at work the other day since this is my 30th post, that I would make a post of thirty things that I want to do this summer. Yeah.. nope. I started a list, and most of the things on there are movies that are coming out this year that I want to see. So, that’s not really a list of things to do.

Maybe I could make this a post about regrets. I’ve got a large one from last Friday. After work, I went out with some friends after work and ended up consuming at least six at most possibly eight of a particular alcoholic drink in two and a half to three hours- which ended up being 24 to 32 shots of liquor in that short amount of time. I’ve been told that I would have been fine had they not set a tray of twelve shots of tequila and because of the smell of the tequila I puked. On the table. In a beer pitcher. Even a little bit on the person sitting next to me. It was a bad night after that. I remember everything before about 8:30, but if you were to ask me what happened after that, I could not tell you. So, I suppose that’s a regret since it was my anniversary with my SLP. I remember sitting on the toilet at home, sobbing into a bucket while puking saying, “I’m sorry, so so so sorry,” over and over again.

Other things that I suppose I regret would be not pursing certain things in high school. Like actually doing my home work to get better grades to go to college to get a better job. Don’t get me wrong, I love the job I have now, but at this point in my life, I thought I would be better off. Back to the high school thing, I regret not asking a boy or two out for more than one date. Sure they were fun dates, if you could even call them that, but I got scared and didn’t want to be attached to someone I went to high school with. There was always that whatever you want to call it of dating someone from high school, then saying you’ll stay together through college and then you do, but realize once it’s too late that you were better off apart. Main thing is, I regret that I didn’t see where the relationships would have taken me.

Another thing that I regret is something that I’m still struggling with now. I don’t know that I want to stay with my SLP because of not knowing if I actually truly love him. It’s something that I regret because again, I’m too scared to see what would happen if I were to leave him. I just know that right now, it’s easier to stay. With him I have a place to live, a car to get myself to and from work and other places that I need to be, and those other things like computer, television and stuff like that. I guess it’s more of a possible future regret if I don’t do something about it soon.

I also regret that I start things and never finish them, but who doesn’t you know?

I did also want to just have a post of my normal rambling. The last week and a few days, I’ve been training the newest person in my department at work. I lucked out on this because I’ve worked with this person for two years previously in the last department I was in. I trained her then too, so I know how much I can push. My manager told me that I’ll be training someone who is starting in July and I’m terrified. I think I’ve done a horrible job training, but that’s just who I am I think. I think I do a bad job at everything. Maybe because I set my standards stupidly high so that I never reach them and I constantly fail. I suppose that’s something to regret as well. I’ve probably missed out on some great opportunities because of that. I never thought that I would miss being on the phone as much as I have the last few days where I’ve been listening to calls with the new person while she did all the talking in case she had questions about what was being asked of her. I miss having the slight freedom of being able to talk to one of the people I consider my best friend. I miss being able to listen to music in one ear to make the day go by faster and it also helps forget the people that are rude and demeaning over the phone. I miss being able to write a post for this whatever you want to call it thing that started out as a dream log and turned into something more where I can figure my thoughts out. I miss not having to have people depend on my to learn something. One of the things I like the most about my job is the easiness of it. It’s simple. A customer calls in, they want to talk to a person and you connect the call to that person. Sometimes you’ll have to do a little extra work to dig up the claim the customer is calling about, or try and defuse a situation where the customer is pissed off about something that is out of your control. Yet all the customer needed was someone to that they could vent to but then they say, “Look, I know it’s not your fault, but I just really needed to talk to someone about it,” and you offer to get them in touch with someone that can help them and most of the time they will say no because you helped enough and they are ok now just because you sat there listening to what they were saying.

Another thing that I miss is something from my old job. Sure it sucked not having the benefits of health insurance and actual vacation days where you didn’t have to work some massively fucked up hours just to make sure you reached 40 hours each week to have enough money for bills. But I miss the freedom of being able to take lunches and breaks whenever and being able to watching or listen to something playing on Netflix all day. Honestly though, I would trade that in a heartbeat any day for the stability of being a full time employee and the benefits. Some day I may look at other positions within the company, but right now I feel very secure in my position. I do my job, and apparently I do it well even though I half ass it most of the day.

Lately I’ve been trying my had at writing some Batman something or another. I don’t usually share my writing with many people, but I did end up sharing what I had typed up with my friend. She said she liked it so far, but I don’t know. I wonder if she was just saying that, lol. I know that she would never lie about something like that to me, but I’m so not confident in my writing skills and think that everything I write is just shit. I also feel like the ideas that I have and want to write are things that have already been written, the ideas aren’t good or they don’t match the characters I’m writing- or at least attempting to write. I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. I think that’s probably another thing that I regret. Maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll post what I’ve got written on here on a different page or something. So far though, I’ve been writing it for my own amusement with no thoughts of really sharing with other people. I just shared with her because I wanted an opinion on something because, like usual, I thought it was pretty lame so far. I’ve got a short list of ideas I want to try out with this thing. Hopefully they aren’t all as horrible as I seem to think they are.

Speaking of writing, there is a Star Wars related thing that I’ve been working on FOREVER, lol. I started writing it in 1999 after I saw The Phantom Menace and decided that Obi-Wan needed a special female Jedi in his life. Over the years, my character I created has had some changes made to her and I really like what she is now. I have quite a bit of that written out and so many more ideas for that one in my head as well. I really wish I had a pensieve from the world of Harry Potter so I could extract those thoughts from my head and bottle them for when the mood to write strikes. I find myself struggling to think of something to write when I sit down and plan on writing, basically forcing myself to write instead of waiting for the right time to write. My ideal writing time seems to be when I’m laying in bed before falling asleep or taking a bath. Those are the times I am most relaxed and the ideas are easier to form. I think that’s common for most people- having to be relaxed and open to the ideas in the mind. Forced writing is terrible and just doesn’t make for exciting or dynamic things in whatever is being read. I often wonder if my blog, or whatever you would call this, is forced writing or more organic and flowing. I would have to say that due to the rambling nature of my writing on here, it’s more organic and it comes from my heart and mind instead of being forced writing that has no feeling. A few times my own writing has brought me to tears. Not really on here, except in a post from last week I think it was where I was talking about the aging Bruce Wayne/Batman where his body was basically failing him. No, there may have been another time I was nearly in tears writing a post that was truly from the heart and my feelings on something.

One night I was in bed trying to write a good bye bit for my Star Wars thing, I have a tendency to skip around in that one. It’s been on going for so long that I’ll write something where Obi-Wan and the character I created are younger one moment and the next moment, I’m writing something where they are older. So anyway, I was trying to write the bit where Obi-Wan and my character part ways until she dies, and for some reason, I pictured it in my head, but putting it into actual words on paper hurt my heart so much that I was in tears trying to write it out. I’ve come to love my character and the thought of her having to say good bye to the person she’s shared her life with, her best friend and the person she loves more than anything was just killing me inside. I would hate to be in her position. Each time I think about that part, I see the same thing in my head like that night I tried to write it. It’s just in my head so clearly that I’ve wondered if maybe in a past life of mine, my soul was in a good bye like that with a soul mate.

Speaking of soul mates and past lives, I’ve had some dreams that were so vivid and so real that it felt like I was actually there. Those dreams have made me wonder if they were truly a past life of mine. I think shit like that is pretty awesome and if I could, I would love to walk the halls of my soul to see where it’s been and who it’s been with in the past. I have this feeling that my soul is probably middle aged. I’ve talked with a friend about this and she says that her soul is an old soul, and if you knew her, like I think I do that would be a correct assumption. Her personality and actions are wise, like she’s been around, seen some shit you know? I feel like my soul still has a lot of learning to do, so maybe it’s a young soul. I don’t know, but one thing I know is that I think my soul was at least around during the World Wars. I’ve had multiple dreams before about a couple during World War II where the newly wedded husband has to go off to fight. The husband and his new bride write letters back and forth. One day, she writes him and tells him that he’s going to be a father by the time he returns home. Excited by the news, he writes a letter back telling her that he’s got a feeling the war is going to be over soon. Oh man, was he wrong. Later that day, he’s killed. In my dreams, his death has varied from being shot down over the German country side, to being killed by bombings to being shot in the head, heart or another random body part or area, to being gutted by a bayonet during hand to hand combat with enemy soldiers. For the wife, she ends up miscarrying and is devastated when she learns that her new husband has been killed in action. Feeling like her life is over and she has nothing left to give to the world, she enlists to be an army nurse and demands to be sent over seas. Sometimes she is sent over seas to the war front in Europe, other times it’s to the Pacific theater. Other times she takes her own life.

Something in regards to souls and reincarnations, I just had a thought. It’s probably not that original actually, and now that I think about it, I think my friend mentioned it one day when we were talking about this. But each time you die, your soul is split. Like not bad like Voldemort soul splitting to become immortal, but like a little piece of it goes missing. Maybe it stays with the body that was currently carrying it, maybe it goes onto a different person from the rest of the soul. Or maybe it’s totally split in half. If that’s the case, maybe it’s why it’s possible to have multiple soul mates. I think the people that you meet in your life are in your life because they carry part of your original soul. Hopefully that makes sense. It’s starting to get late and I need to get to bed. I’m actually planning on doing some yard work tomorrow before church.

With that, I will leave you and wish you all a good night and happy dreams. Until next time.