Complaints Round 2

I think I’ve finally caught up on that elusive sleep this weekend. By the way, people are assholes. Not like that has anything to do with sleeping in this weekend. But still. “I’m looking for *insert name here* can you let me know what state she works out of?” No I can’t let you know what state she works out of let alone know if she is in the office or not. Doesn’t help that the dude I just had on the phone was being a prick. I could care less that you just retired and that you don’t have your paperwork with you. Maybe you should’ve had your shit together before calling.

Anyway, back to the sleep. Yep, I slept in this weekend. At least on Sunday I did, and I’m feeling a bit more rested today. I like sleeping in, but a lot of the time I still manage to wake up at a non-sleeping in time- which is rather annoying. Sunday, I managed to sleep in until 10:00 am, which I think is a record lately in my attempts to sleep in. However, I didn’t get out of bed until closer to 2:00 pm. I just stayed in bed, all comfy under the covers reading and playing games on my phone. I did end up calling my Spouse-Like-Person around 2:00 asking him to bring me some food upstairs because I didn’t want to get out of bed yet. Apparently I woke up the gump and he complained that I don’t need to eat in bed, and that I can get my own food and that eating upstairs is not allowed. Not allowed, eh? Well I’ll show him. I’ve eaten upstairs before and in my bed, so I’m not sure what his issue is. He’s just as refreshing as a Summer’s Eve (douche for those that don’t get that horrible reference). Lol.

So, speaking of complaining, he’s also been bitching that I’ve been playing the anxiety card too much for avoiding the gym. Yeah, so maybe I have been milking that a bit, I still can’t really go when there are a lot of people around. So I’m probably going to be putting my membership up on Craigslist or something in hopes that someone will want to buy it. I’ve wasted a lot of money on this stupid thing, and that’s the more annoying part. But if my SLP wasn’t so fucking money hungry, I wouldn’t have this problem. Everything that has to do with him has money at the core of it. He doesn’t have a job, but is still receiving money from when his mother died a few years ago. Before that he didn’t work either, but was receiving money from the government. It just really pisses me off because he is fully capable of holding an office job where he can sit all day. But of course, he could never do that because he’s bound to find something wrong with sitting all day, or that he can’t handle sitting all day because of some sort of medical issue. Well, depending where you work, they can be accommodating with special super comfy chairs, or an exercise ball to sit on at your desk, or have a desk like I do that can be raised and lowered to stand while working (which I absolutely love by the way). It’s just a shame that he feels entitled to the money that I earn at work because he’s my partner. We are not legally married, so technically, he has no say over the money I earn or even my life insurance policy I get through work. He’s listed himself as the primary beneficiary without even asking me. I actually had plans for that and they don’t include him receiving 100% of the pay out if I die. Yeah, that’s not happening.

Yeah, just a shame in general that he can’t act like the responsible adult he should be. He sleeps all damn day, but says that he’s up during the night, so sleeping all day is ok, if that’s actually the case. I just don’t understand him. He’s been milking this “med change” thing for way too long. Though if I bring it up, he’ll just get pissy and start turning it around on me and how I’m not handling my life responsibly. According to him, I’m ruining my life by not taking care of myself, my eating habits are atrocious and I just don’t take care of myself in general. Oh, I’m sorry. I go to work five days a week, get yelled at over the phone about things that are above and beyond my control. I come home to a house that is not always clean, but it’s usually my fault it’s not clean according to my SLP because I don’t do anything around the house. Oh, and apparently it’s my fault that I don’t spend a lot of time with my SLP anymore. Like hell that’s my fault. If he didn’t sleep all day, he’d be up when I got home, then we could do stuff together, then go to sleep. But why would I even want to spend time with something that has to continuously talk through EVERYTHING. I can’t even watch a tv show without getting pissed off because he can’t keep his trap shut. Movies are just ruined for me because he’s always talking though them, even in theaters, he’ll lean over and whisper something or ask a question. I have asked him nicely to stop talking and he doesn’t, so I have to get more rude and louder to ask him to shut up. Then he’ll get mad at me for rudely telling him to shut up. What am I even supposed to do then? I tell him I asked nicely the first eighty bajillion times, which he ignored. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do at that point anymore. Whatever I end up doing is wrong, so I’m at the point where I just give up.

Which brings me to my next few thoughts; do I leave my SLP or stay with him? I don’t even know anymore. I sometimes feel like the only reason I stay with him is because it’s comfortable and mostly safe. I have a roof over my head, no worries of being evicted, vehicles to use and a place to generally call home. In the long run though, am I truly safe there? His constant belittling and telling me what I’ve done wrong all the time does annoy me and wear me down, and grate on my last never. But for whatever reason, I’m still there.

Side note, I just had some guy call in and his last name was Muse. I just made a fool of myself telling him that I loved his last name and it’s the name of my favorite band. I think I confused him more than anything lol. I’ve also told people with British and Australian accents that I loved their accents when I’ve had on the phone and apparently made them blush- or so they say.

Anyway, lol, that was a fun tangent to ramble off on. I did have a dream last night that I seem to have every month. For the longest time, it was a series of dreams where I would have a conversation with each of my grandparents that have died. In the beginning it was like each night I would have a dream with a grandparent in it, but more recently it all of my grandparents and I sitting around my kitchen table just having a conversation about normal everyday stuff.  One conversation with one of my grandmothers started out with her asking how I was doing, what was new in life. I told her that I was fine, confused about some personal things, and then asked how she was. She replied that she was bowling over Australia and had gotten a near perfect game. When I was little and scared of thunderstorms, my mom would tell me that it was just my grandmother bowling in heaven and each time it thundered, it was the ball rolling down the lane and the lightening was my grandmother getting a strike.

So, those dreams I won’t type up to put on the Dreams page because they happen each month and there isn’t anything spectacular that happens in them. Mostly, it’s just a conversation with my grandparents about things going on in my life. I think it’s just my brains way of trying to figure things out that are worrying me, confusing me, or are exciting things happening in my life at the time of the dream.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to get this wrapped up as I’m getting a new laptop at work instead of a desktop. I’m excited. Should be fun!

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Music to Me is Like the Air I Breathe

Alright, I originally wanted to jabber about food and how glorious it is, but since I was on Facebook during my lunch I decided to change my topic. Mostly because I saw this thing a friend posted about Muse playing with Metallica this summer at the Summer Sonic festival that takes place in Tokyo and Osaka, click here to see the full line up for both nights. I just can’t even.. Muse, Metallica, Linkin Park, The Smashing Pumpkins, Pet Shop Boys, Beady Eye, Cheap Trick, Stereophonics, Bullet For My Valentine, Two Door Cinema Club, Imagine Dragons.. holy hell. So yeah, I think I need to win the lottery so I can afford to go, because that would just be fucking amazing.

Anyway, I figured I would talk about music instead of food. For me, music sort of is food- like I can’t live without it. I’m trying something out at work today to see how well it goes, and that is to listen to music while I take calls. In the past I’ve been really good about it, but I was in a call center where a whole lot of concentration wasn’t needed. Where I am now I do need to concentrate a bit more, but so far I’m doing well. I certainly won’t do this every day, but maybe a few days out of the week or in the mornings to keep me more awake.

Speaking of music festivals, I went to my first one a few years ago when Muse were playing Lollapalooza in Chicago. After that I decided that I probably won’t ever do another festival unless Muse plays or another band I really like. Because of my anxiety issues, I had a hard time dealing with all of the people at Lolla, but in the end it was absolutely worth it. The things that I didn’t like were the people body surfing and falling on my head and the pushing and shoving and being in a crowd of uncomfortably hot and sweaty bodies. I was also not a fan of people smoking pot around me and purposely blowing it in other people’s faces because it was funny. That’s just rude. I understand that there is always going to be drinking and drug use at music festivals and concerts, but to purpose flaunt what you are doing along with being a jerk about it just sucks.

As for concerts in stadiums or arenas or outside venues I will absolutely go. I’ve been to a few in my relatively short life time so far, the first being the Turtles when they played at the Dane County Fair a long time ago, my brother took me to see them. Then after that, it was Hanson in 1998, Backstreet Boys in 1999 or 2000, Muse in 2010, 2011 (Lolla) and more recently this last March when they were in Chicago. So that’s not a whole lot of concerts compared to some people, but I am always looking to go see a good band live. I have a list of who I want to see before I die, and even though I have seen Muse three times now, they still top my list. Next would be Metallica. I would love to see them with my brother since it’s his fault I like them. When he was in high school and still living at home before going to college, he would always play Metallica in the morning while he was getting ready while I was in my room listening to a local Top 40’s radio station. I’d always end up turning off my radio and listening to Metallica instead and not really understanding what it was, I was in first, second, third and fourth grades while my brother was in high school. After Metallica, Daft Punk rounds out the top three.

Music in general, there is no way that I could live without it. To me it is like the air I breathe. I like such a wide range of music; it’s hard for me to choose a favorite genre. I can’t even say that I don’t like country, but I’m very picky and I don’t like a lot of the newer country music. I could care less if you think your tractor is sexy. I do, however, love Johnny Cash. What’s not to love about the original man in black? Great songs, great voice and I’m sure that if I were born many years earlier and were of age, I’d totally hit on him lol. Not like you needed to or even cared to know that.

Something else about music that I love, are remixes and mash-ups. With the help of SoundCloud, I have discovered a lot of amazing songs. I think I’ll just have to make a post of stuff from there. One of my favorite things I’ve found on there is a mash-up that has Flesh & Bones by The Hacker fest. Perspects, Map of the Problematique by Muse, The Orgy by The Glove, and some other songs as well as a sample from Star Trek IV. Since that is a favorite song of mine, I will put that on here.

Wondering Where to Go

I often wonder what I would be doing with my life had I done things differently? For example, in high school, I had a chance to date a really nice guy but I turned him down. I’m not sure of the reason anymore but I wonder how different my life would have been had I dated him. Would we have stayed together as long as my spouse-like-person (SPL) have? I like to think that maybe had I dated the other guy, I may have actually continued to go to high school instead of basically dropping out for a few months. I did end up graduation with my class, but I went to the Alternative School, which unfortunately was where those kids went. The ones that were into drugs who got busted, the ones who dropped out or got knocked up or were just the bad kids in general. It’s sad that the Alternative program has such a bad rap for that, but I wasn’t with those kids. I only needed an English credit and a math credit to even graduate, otherwise I had all the credits I needed. I ended up doing self study courses on a computer program. For the last to quarter report cards of my life, I was finally on the High Honor Roll. That was only because I had two courses and I got high A’s in both English and math. So in a way, it was sort of cheating because I didn’t have the other courses to bring my G.P.A down to a lower average.

Anyway, back to my musings about a possible future I may have had. I think if I didn’t turn him down, I never would have moved out of my parents house when I turned 18, I would have continued to go to school like a normal person, and then gone off to college. While at college, I would have met someone new and would have to decide if I wanted to continue a relationship with the other guy from high school or give it a go with the new guy at college. I’m not a big fan of change, but I may have decided to give it a go to see if there was anything there. If not, I would have gone back to the guy from high school if he didn’t find anyone at the college he went to. Had it not gone well with the new guy from college, I think I would have gone back to the other guy from high school. Then I would have realized that it would not have worked out between us and out mothers would just have to be disappointed. My mom and his mom had been plotting since the guy from high school and myself were little tykes that one day we would get married. Yeah.. too bad that it didn’t work out that way.

I also often wonder about what would happen if I left my SPL. For a while and even now, I still think about a future without him in it. He tends to bring me down a lot and we fight a lot. Is this the sort of thing I want to keep living in a house with? If I have kids, do I want them to be with my SPL? How will raising my future kids in a house like this where there is a lot of fighting hurt them? There seem to be too many questions for me to be sure about anything. I have no idea and that scares me a lot. More so that I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I wonder where to go probably more than I should. Maybe that’s because I’m still looking for Mr. Right, if he’s even out there anywhere. In my dreams, I always dream about Mr. Right and meeting him and having that perfect family with him in the big house and nice cars. Much like the American Dream. But then my dream turns into something worse. The house burns down, my family is falling apart, my perfect husband has been cheating on me and in turn, I cheated on him and only one of my two kids with him are actually his. So much for the perfect lifestyle that a lot of people strive towards. I don’t think there will ever be that perfect family except in movies. I think if you have a ton of money, you can only be happy for so long. As the saying goes, money doesn’t buy happiness. It just buys a lot of stuff to hold your attention for a while, but even then the attention only lasts so long on the item. If you don’t have a lot of money but you have a caring and wonderful family, I think that is closer to that perfect happiness. You can’t have both, but you can certainly try. Money tends to destroy families, people always have that greed in them, but for a lot, money brings that out. Then the stupid decisions start and then the money is all gone.

Look at that, I’m rambling again. I’m so sorry. I do that a lot. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I do wonder where I should go from here in life. I don’t know that I’m truly happy and I do wonder all the time if I would be happier without my SPL. But then I start to feel guilty because I think about all the people I will disappoint because I won’t be part of their lives. It’s hard for me because I do truly care for them and I am so glad that they are in my life.

With that, I will end this post with one of my favorite songs from Muse, Butterflies & Hurricanes.