Brief Update… And Yes I’m Still Alive

Why, hello there. Yes, it has been a while since I’ve posted anything here. Yes, I am sorry. A lot has happened since the last post. So far, mostly all good things and a few that have just been eh. So far all the good things are for me personally on a medical level. For the month of August, I have like a bazillion and one doctor appointments, education classes and an overnight study.

The overnight one is tonight and it’s to officially diagnose that I have sleep apnea. I’m actually a little scared to go to this one, mostly because I don’t know if I will be able to fall asleep. I suppose if I’m tired enough, I won’t have trouble falling asleep.

The other appointments are things that I need to go to for the eventual goal of surgery to assist with weight loss. Now, these appointments scare me a lot actually. I know that I’m ready for this change, but every now and then I get that little seed of doubt and it blooms into something that’s just there, constantly telling me that I’m not ready or worthy of this to make myself better. I think a lot of the reason why that seed gets planted is because when my person had surgery as well for weight loss, I saw that as cheating. I still honestly see it as cheating with him because he never tried to lose weight on his own. Hell, he’s gained some weight back because he has not truly changed his eating habits. The only thing he changed about it was portion size and how often he eats, but as for what sorts of foods he eats… Not the best choices. I’m not saying I’m any better in that area, especially considering I’ve eaten pizza probably eight days out of the last ten. So, not the best, but certainly not the worst.

So let’s see… other good news. I’m still working on my Batman project and have completed twenty-two parts and current word count sits at 56,962. That’s pretty impressive considering I’ve only been working a little over a month, I think.. it might be a little longer actually, but either way, it hasn’t been years like my Star Wars project. Anyway, it has surpassed my Star Wars project in terms of content and finished parts. SW has I think eleven or twelve parts that I have deemed done done done, and about ten other parts that are in the process of being written. Another thing about the SW project is that I started it way back in 1999 when Episode I came out and it’s nowhere near being finished. Since I first started writing it, it’s gone through some major overhauls and changes. But the base of it is the same and I don’t know that I will ever get it finished. I think that’s just going to be one of those things that I go back to every so often to work on.

It’s weird and strangely comforting to go back and read the original writing for that, and any of my other writing, actually. It helps me see how much I’ve grown as a writer and even my handwriting over the years.

I don’t know, I’m rambling again.. So I guess that means I should end the post before I really go off on some whacked out tangent.

Cheers!

Good Things Are Coming My Way

Time for a brief update on things going on in my life, I suppose. Well, for once things are starting to go really good. I own a house officially, or at least that’s what it says on the mortgage. With that new mortgage at a lower rate, we’ll also be getting a home equity line of credit so we can finally start those renovations that we’ve been putting off as well as wipe out all debt we have- which honestly isn’t much. And by the end of the year, I should be the proud owner of a new car.. but we’ll see how it works out.

Personally, I’ve been going to some doctors, last week and tomorrow I have an appointment. I’m finally getting my life back in order and finding out what I need to do to accomplish certain things. I’m actually scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I don’t know. Since my person had surgery a few years ago now for weight loss, gastric bypass, I would always tell him that he was cheating. To me, he really was cheating because I didn’t think he ever really tried hard enough on his own to lose the weight. For me, I’ve tried all sorts of things, even starving myself, but none of them seemed to work. All I managed was to maybe lose some weight, but then maintained my weight.

For me though, I feel like that if the only other option for me is surgery as well, that it would be cheating and a sign that I failed that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t like being a failure, but I think I fail at everything. I’m really messed up a lot of the time, but I’ve been getting better and I’m also slowly returning back to the self I was before the depression and anxiety hit hard. It’s been a long journey so far, and it will be a path that I have to travel the rest of my life. It’s not like I’ll wake up one morning and everything is gone and I’m magically all better. Do you know how many times I wished that would happen? Never does and never will unless I work at it- which I am.

It’s hard for me to know that I will be turning 30 next year. I thought turning 28 was hard, but wow, I really do not want to turn 30 next year. I think part of my problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought I’d have at least one child by now and one on the way, a nicer house and a husband that actually had a job and provided decent income. Doesn’t have to be a rich guy, just one that was a bit better at money handling and had a good job as well as not sleep all damn day.

Anyway, I will find out tomorrow what I need to do for this weight loss thing. Hopefully it’s all good news… but I’m still terrified.

What’s Up World..

Alright world, it’s not like I forgot about posting on here.. I’ve been avoiding it for a while. Mostly because I don’t know what I want to talk about on here anymore. Most of my time lately has been spent on my Batman writing project and trying to spend time with my person. He was gone for a few days and I enjoyed the time to myself a lot, but I did actually miss him after a while.

I also did something recently that I know was wrong and should not have done, but went and did it anyway. I’m not going to say what specifically, but I will say that it could have been a lot worse. It wasn’t anything bad, just not good. It may or may not have involved an entire batch of cookies.. But I’m not going to say.

Something else that’s new, my manager confided in me that she’s getting sick of the bull shit that’s going on in the department, people calling in sick, taking days off and whatever without any regard to coverage needed for the phones. Specifically, she told me about one particular person who is going to be getting different hours, but has been abusing their time off lately and so my manager is thinking about not giving this particular person the new hours. If this person doesn’t get their shit together, then those hours are mine. I love that my manager trusts me with information like that and she values the work I do. By far, she is probably the BEST manager I have ever had anywhere for a job.

I know I won’t have much time to write a new post this week other than today, but I will try on the 4th- which seems to be the only day this week I’ll be able to get one done.  So until Thursday, this is going to be a short but sweet post.

If I don’t get one done, I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday! Don’t blast any fingers, limbs, eyes, ears or other body parts off with fireworks!

Just A Few Things…

It has been day three that my SLP has been gone. Only a few more days to go until he’s back. And you know what? I haven’t done a damn thing. All I’ve done is sit at the computer from the time I get home from work until I go to bed.. if I even go to bed. Monday night I didn’t go to sleep at all and was already running on three hours of sleep. Last night I finally was able to fall asleep around midnight. For a while I didn’t know if I could fall asleep because I was to the point where I was so tired, that I wasn’t tired anymore.

In addition to the lack of sleep, I was also kind of afraid to go to sleep. The last few times it’s stormed, some large branches and tree limbs have fallen. The latest from a tree that is right next to the house. Now don’t get me wrong, I love thunderstorms! Watching for lightning streaks racing across the storm darkened skies and the rumble of thunder are things that I love.

I’ve decided something a little bit ago. I think I’m ready for a change in my lifestyle in terms of weight loss. I’ve been wishy washy about it and not really ready to commit to it, but now after doing a lot of thinking the last few days, I’m ready. Or not, lol. Probably by the afternoon I will have changed my mind again. I’m pretty sure my brain is hardwired to be a pain in the ass when it comes to making decisions.

I had thought about talking about something else today, but for some reason that idea or thought is escaping me. I guess if I ever remember what it is, I’ll just write about it tomorrow. I did also want to add that I’m still very actively writing that Batman thing I started lol. I didn’t think it would be good, but I’ve shared it with three people, and two out of the three that I know have read it for sure like it a lot. Perhaps I will post it on here eventually, but I don’t want to unless I’ve finished it because I don’t want to leave anyone that reads it hanging because it’s not complete. There are some fan fictions that I’ve read, where it starts out really great, but then just as you’re getting to a good part, there’s no more. Which is rather annoying. It would be like reading the first half of a good book, but the author didn’t finish the book. Very annoying.

Other than all of that, there really isn’t much else that’s new with me. So, what’s new with you?

What I’ve Learned on Twitter…

I couldn’t think of anything to write about this morning for here, so I busted out my trusty list of stuff to write about. The only one that seemed like a good idea was ‘Things I Learned on Twitter.’ So, what did I learn on Twitter you may ask? Well, first of all, people are fucking crazy and amazing.

In the world of ‘I want it now,’ Twitter is fantastic. You can follow all the major news outlets, local news, sports teams, celebrities, bands.. you name it and it’s probably there to follow. Getting the latest news and gossip are some of the major draws of Twitter.

For me though, my adventures on Twitter started out as following a band, Muse, and then it turned into a tweet-fest when they were at the Grammy Awards a few years ago now. I met some pretty wonderful people on there who I consider some of my closest friends. One who I was lucky enough met in real life- her and I always joke that we are twins born a year apart. These friendships I’ve formed with people who I never thought I would meet are some of the most important in my life. In high school, I realized something about all of the friends I had at the time. They were superficial. I went through a really hard time and nearly dropped out my senior year. Not one of my friends, even the person who I thought was my best friend didn’t even ask how I was. Granted, part of that was my fault because I didn’t want those people to know I was in the mental hospital for , I think ten or fourteen days- which I didn’t even need to be there and I think that messed me up more than anything. But yeah, I didn’t want people to know I was there, and so I pushed those people away. When I went back to school after that, some people asked and I just said that was out sick.

Even after the hospital, things went back to normal for a little bit, but then I became more and more withdrawn from the world and stopped talking to my friends. The thing that I find strange now that I’m looking back on my senior year, those people I considered friends didn’t seem to care that I essentially gave up and didn’t ask what was going on or even offered to help. So, how’s that for friends? Pretty shitty.

The whole point of that little back story is that on Twitter, people are willing to give help for anything. And they are people that I’ve never met and probably never will meet. The thing about Twitter that I like, is that it’s anonymous, and there are only a few people on there who know me in real life. When I first tweeted, I was rather fake because I didn’t know if I would continue to use Twitter. After a while though, I started showing the real me on there- political views, feelings and stuff like that. For me, Twitter was like a glorified chat room where you could only use 140 characters at a time to talk.

I guess this is going to be another shorter post. My brain is still in overdrive with my Batman thing I’ve been working on. But the whole point of this, what I’ve learned on Twitter is that while people are fucking crazy, they are pretty wonderful too if you are lucky enough to fall into a crowd of great people.

Summer Time Randomness

Generally I like summer. Just not a fan of when it’s really hot or humid or both. Being in Wisconsin, we get all of that. March of last year, 2012, saw temperatures in the 80’s and June, July and August saw many days over 100. It was gross. And disgusting.

So, instead of bitching about what I don’t like about summer, I’ll try to stay positive and think of the good things. One of my favorite things to do is lay out in the back yard on a blanket in the sun and read a book. I’m one of those people that need to be in the sun to feel the warm rays on my skin to feel happy. I can’t really even begin how to describe how I feel in the winter when the sun isn’t out much or even when it’s cloudy and rainy the rest of the year. I just feel so down, tired and sad.

Another thing that I enjoy doing is planting things. That’s not really a summer thing, but it seems like the weather is just skipping spring lately, so I guess it could almost be considered a summer thing. What I don’t like about planting things is the weeds that tend to pop up as well. Last year I planted some lily bulbs. Two out of the four bulbs I planted sprouted and even grew a little, but with the heat and drought we had last year, I didn’t really think the two that grew would do as well as they had. Maybe this year they will come back.

The best part about summer would be going to water parks. I’m lucky to live about an hour away from the ‘Water Park Capital of the World’ also known as the Wisconsin Dells. There are two outdoor water parks that are not attached to a hotel or resort. Then there are at least five large hotel resorts that have water parks that are indoor and outdoor as well as some smaller hotels that have smaller indoor/outdoor water parks.

Last year was the first year I’ve gone to Noah’s Ark (the largest outdoor park in the Midwest and the eighth most visited in the United States) since 1999 when I went for the end of the year field trip for school. I was nervous about going because of my weight issues and I had prayed that I wouldn’t see anyone I knew there. Once we got there, I was thankful I never saw anyone that I knew and also thankful that I wasn’t the only chunky monkey there. This year, I’m going with my work for the company picnic. Not sure how I feel about that yet, mostly because I don’t know that I want my co-workers to see what I look like in a swimming suit. Hello anxiety attack. But we’ll see. I know even with the people from work, even my department if they go, I won’t be the only larger person.

Well, this is a rubbish post. I’m so sorry I bored you to death.

Life Sucks

Wow, talk about interesting weekend. Friday after work, I went out with some co-workers for drinks. I felt bad because I’m always too broke to be able to participate in stuff like that, and I was also massively tired so since I was sort of forced to go, I didn’t plan to stay long so I could go home and go to bed early. With all my good intentions of not drinking and leaving early, that didn’t happen. I ended up having a few drinks and staying until about 10:30ish. It was actually a lot of fun and I found out some interesting things about some people that I work with, and was also given more reasons to dislike some of the people that I work with.

There were some awkward moments Friday night…mostly between myself and another co-worker. I know that it only happened because he was drunk, but I’m not going to lie, the attention was nice and rather flattering. It’s interesting to see how “beer goggles” work. There were quite a few I love you’s said from this particular co-worker and I kept telling him to save those for his wife. Then as I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed me cheek a few times. Again, the attention was nice, but it was only because he was drunk.

Another thing I found out about the co-workers I went out with was that they think I weigh less than I really do. I’m not sure if they are being nice or what, but it was nice to know that they think I’m not as heavy as I really am.

Saturday was pretty good, slept until about 2:00 that afternoon- which is something I did not mean to do. I got up with my alarm that morning, but decided that I was just going to stay in bed all day and then fell back asleep.

Then there’s Sunday. Started out just fine, went over to my parents, spent the day with my mom and helped organize some things in the basement. Then dinner came around. I had to run home to get my Spouse-Like-Person, and when I walked in the door he said that we had to go get water for the fish tank. The store we get it from closes at 6:00 pm on Sunday and it was around 5:25 when I got home and dinner was supposed to be at 5:30. I was pissed. There was no reason why I had to go to the stupid store to get water with him. If he had better time management skills, he could have started cleaning the fish tank earlier in the day, had time to go get the water, and then we could have gone right back to my parents.

Dinner was bad. Not that it tasted bad, in fact it was delicious, but the “dinner discussion” was bad. Basically my dad ripped my SLP a new one. It’s the second time since I have been with my SLP that this has happened. The first time was after he finished mowing the lawn at my house and my SLP was mad that I didn’t defend him or take his side. I just stood there silent with tears streaming down my face. Same thing happened last night, my dad just basically went off and my SLP stood his ground a bit and fired back at my dad. I sat there stunned and again silent, but then started to cry. My SLP looked to me to say something and when I didn’t he got mad at me. I told him afterwards when we were at home that I agreed with my dad on a lot of those issues. Let’s face it. My SLP and I are not ready to take care of a house. We do not have the money and we are not able to do a lot of the work ourselves, so it going to cost even more to have the work done by someone else.

I asked my SLP on the way home last night if he wants to stay in the house. He said that he wants to make it our home. I’m not going to lie. That scares me a bit because I’m not sure that I want a future with my SLP.

I don’t even know what I want in life anymore. I’m not sure I want to have kids. I don’t know if I even want to be married or with someone for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. If I could figure out what I want out of life, it would help a lot. I am actually quite scared to move forward in life because the unknown is scary and I don’t know that I can handle whatever else life decides to throw my way.