Just Eh Today

I’m sitting here at my desk absolutely bored and so tired that I could fall asleep at any moment if it weren’t the calls coming in every now and then. It’s Friday. I wish I could have slept in today, but tomorrow I will. I say that I will do a lot of things ‘tomorrow’ and it seems to be my favorite phrase as of late other than the standard ‘I’ll do it in a bit.’

There are a few thoughts racing around in my head, a few that are entirely not appropriate for anyone besides myself and my poor disturbed brain. Usually when I’m bored, I can play a game on my phone for a bit or attempt to draw something. There is a picture I drew the other day. It’s pretty bitchin actually and I did not trace a thing on it. When I have trouble drawing something, sometimes I will trace the area I’m having trouble with, but then draw the rest.

It’s funny, when I started this post this morning, here I am nearly seven hours later trying to remember what I wanted to write. Probably some dramatic shit about being stuck in a gray fun sucking prison of doom and boredom. Not quite so ehh now. More like oh my fucking.. please just shoot my brains out and give me a strong stiff drink—which thankfully I will be getting after work. I am just drained. I want to go home and crawl back in bed and not emerge until tomorrow around noon. Sadly though, I don’t think that will the case tomorrow. I will probably be up earlyish and trying to get my room organized, which I’ve been trying to do for a year.

Damn.. a year? Yes, it has been a year since I blew up at my Spouse-Like-Person and moved out of the bedroom we shared. To be honest, not a whole lot has changed. I’m still being told that I’m selfish, we still fight and we don’t really have fun in the sack either. I’ve tried a few times on my own, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m broken. I guess I’m ok with being broken; I don’t really feel like I need that in my life right now. I’m still trying to figure myself out. I’m trying to figure a lot of things out actually and it hasn’t been going so well.

But really, today, I’m just tired and I would love to go home and take a nap but I’m going to be a good little worker ant and go out for a drink or two with some other worker ants from my department.

I’m just tired.




Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.

Dreams and Star Wars and Batman, Oh my!

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Mine was pretty good. Got to sleep in a bit finally, but I ended up staying up way to late on Saturday night watching stuff on YouTube and then sleeping half the day away on Sunday. Oh well. Not a whole lot happened this weekend, but it was still pretty good and massively relaxing after the crazy weekend before with helping my parents and singing in church.

It was kind of strange though, Saturday morning, I woke up sobbing- like hardcore sobbing, hyperventiling, and wet pillow from the tears. I vaguely remember what I was dreaming about, but it wasn’t anything that should have made me cry as hard as I did. In the dream, there was something about a military training airfield in my parents’ backyard. I was being trained on how to fly a World War II style fighter jet. I remember flying over the neighborhood, and then being shot at by the enemy. As my fighter was going down, my brother showed up and shot the enemy fighter. The damage was too great on my plane to continue flying it, so I had to eject but the first couple of tries to eject didn’t go over so well and then the last time I tried, the top of the plane finally popped off and I was finally able to get out of the fighter.

Some other things happened, and then I remember standing at the training field that was still in the backyard of my parents’ house. A messenger walked up to me and handed me a folded over piece of paper and after the messenger left, I read it. My heart sunk as I read the words on the paper and I started crying in my dream, which apparently made me cry while I was sleeping. In the dream, I went to the brick patio and started digging up something that I knew was buried there by the person that died in my dream. As I took the last few bricks away, there was a board so I lifted that away and under that board were some hearts cut out of wood. Each heart had something written on them and a name to the person the heart belonged to in the event of that particular person dying. I found a heart for me at the bottom of the pile. As I read what was written on my heart, it made me cry harder. That’s the point that I woke up.

I have no idea what was written on the heart, I wish I did though. But honestly, that’s one dream that I don’t want to have again. I think that is the first time that I woke up crying as hard as I was, and that is also something that I don’t really want to experience again. It was rather unpleasant and depressing.

This last Saturday was Star Wars day, May the 4th be with you, and in honor of Star Wars day I decided to do something a little different with my hair. Since it’s not as long as it used to be so I had little buns instead of the big buns on the sides of my head. It was interesting, after church, we went to Dairy Queen for some ice cream, and as I was standing in line waiting for my treat, some older lady told me that she loved my hair. She said that it was a great style and it looked fabulous on me. In addition to the interesting love of my hair, she said that I have beautiful eyes. That I hear a lot actually and was told once that I should be a model for eye glasses. I’m actually asked a lot if I wear contacts. Nope, contact free. You know, that is one part of my body that I absolutely love, my eyes. They are pretty fantastic.

Other than that, not a whole lot happened this weekend. I did realize that I absolutely adore Kevin Conroy, he’s the voice of Bruce Wayne/Batman from ‘Batman: The Animated Series’ and a whole lot of other things. Speaking of Batman, Batman is the best. My all time favorite DC comic book character. If I could, I’d like to mary Batman.

I guess now that I think about it, there are some other things that I’d like to write about to get off my chest, but it won’t be today. It’s just going to take a little longer to get a post done about one of the other things that I’m annoyed with. Until then, have a lovely rest of your day.

Could I Quit My Day Job? Nope

Could I quit my day job? That’s a question I would ask myself quite a lot in while I had my previous job. There were a lot of days that I wanted to walk and give the company I worked for a big fuck you very much. Because let me tell you, being a temp sucks some major ass. Yes, it is a job and for that I was grateful, but being a temp you get shafted in so many ways. Technically, temp employees are not supposed to take part in department celebrations like pot lucks or even after work “happy hours” if they were company funded. However, if they were not company funded after work outings, I think I could have gone… Maybe.

It’s not just the snacks and goodies, which I have gotten like little squish toys and some other things, but just the status of being a “temp” that just screams ‘Hey look at me, I’m a company peon. I’m here to fill in and do the work you’re too lazy to and yet they pay me less than you and I get absolutely no recognition of it.’ I was lucky though, I had managers from the company I was temping at (not the manager from the staffing agency- who was also pretty darn awesome too) that were fantastic and really truly appreciated the work that I and other temps did and still do for those that are still in that department.

With that said, there was no way I could quit my day job at the time. Too much was depending on my income and working. The only way I could quit is if I had another job lined up or I won the lottery. Now, however, the story is a little different. Since I was hired on as a full time employee late last fall, I don’t particularly want to quit my job. Some days, hell yeah. Other days, not so much. Most days, I really could give two shits. But I certainly won’t quit, at least not for a while or unless I win the lotto. Even then though, I’d get bored during the day without having a job to go to, and past experiences with acquiring a large sum of money has taught me to still keep or have a job. Just in case.. you know. Besides, I don’t really want to quit my job. The people are pretty awesome here.

I also do not have a “night job” to back me up if I were to quit my day job unless of course I could get paid to sleep. If they paid people to sleep- actually sleeping, eyes shut, snuggled under the blankets and not having sex or doing sex related thing, then my Spouse-Like-Person would be a millionaire and I would not need to work anymore.

Also, as a side note, people are stupid and grumpy today. Dudes and dudettes, lighten the hell up, it’s almost the weekend! Sheesh. Lol