Good Things Are Coming My Way

Time for a brief update on things going on in my life, I suppose. Well, for once things are starting to go really good. I own a house officially, or at least that’s what it says on the mortgage. With that new mortgage at a lower rate, we’ll also be getting a home equity line of credit so we can finally start those renovations that we’ve been putting off as well as wipe out all debt we have- which honestly isn’t much. And by the end of the year, I should be the proud owner of a new car.. but we’ll see how it works out.

Personally, I’ve been going to some doctors, last week and tomorrow I have an appointment. I’m finally getting my life back in order and finding out what I need to do to accomplish certain things. I’m actually scared to go to my appointment tomorrow. I don’t know. Since my person had surgery a few years ago now for weight loss, gastric bypass, I would always tell him that he was cheating. To me, he really was cheating because I didn’t think he ever really tried hard enough on his own to lose the weight. For me, I’ve tried all sorts of things, even starving myself, but none of them seemed to work. All I managed was to maybe lose some weight, but then maintained my weight.

For me though, I feel like that if the only other option for me is surgery as well, that it would be cheating and a sign that I failed that I couldn’t do this on my own. I don’t like being a failure, but I think I fail at everything. I’m really messed up a lot of the time, but I’ve been getting better and I’m also slowly returning back to the self I was before the depression and anxiety hit hard. It’s been a long journey so far, and it will be a path that I have to travel the rest of my life. It’s not like I’ll wake up one morning and everything is gone and I’m magically all better. Do you know how many times I wished that would happen? Never does and never will unless I work at it- which I am.

It’s hard for me to know that I will be turning 30 next year. I thought turning 28 was hard, but wow, I really do not want to turn 30 next year. I think part of my problem is that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I thought I’d have at least one child by now and one on the way, a nicer house and a husband that actually had a job and provided decent income. Doesn’t have to be a rich guy, just one that was a bit better at money handling and had a good job as well as not sleep all damn day.

Anyway, I will find out tomorrow what I need to do for this weight loss thing. Hopefully it’s all good news… but I’m still terrified.

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Life Sucks

Wow, talk about interesting weekend. Friday after work, I went out with some co-workers for drinks. I felt bad because I’m always too broke to be able to participate in stuff like that, and I was also massively tired so since I was sort of forced to go, I didn’t plan to stay long so I could go home and go to bed early. With all my good intentions of not drinking and leaving early, that didn’t happen. I ended up having a few drinks and staying until about 10:30ish. It was actually a lot of fun and I found out some interesting things about some people that I work with, and was also given more reasons to dislike some of the people that I work with.

There were some awkward moments Friday night…mostly between myself and another co-worker. I know that it only happened because he was drunk, but I’m not going to lie, the attention was nice and rather flattering. It’s interesting to see how “beer goggles” work. There were quite a few I love you’s said from this particular co-worker and I kept telling him to save those for his wife. Then as I was leaving, he hugged me and kissed me cheek a few times. Again, the attention was nice, but it was only because he was drunk.

Another thing I found out about the co-workers I went out with was that they think I weigh less than I really do. I’m not sure if they are being nice or what, but it was nice to know that they think I’m not as heavy as I really am.

Saturday was pretty good, slept until about 2:00 that afternoon- which is something I did not mean to do. I got up with my alarm that morning, but decided that I was just going to stay in bed all day and then fell back asleep.

Then there’s Sunday. Started out just fine, went over to my parents, spent the day with my mom and helped organize some things in the basement. Then dinner came around. I had to run home to get my Spouse-Like-Person, and when I walked in the door he said that we had to go get water for the fish tank. The store we get it from closes at 6:00 pm on Sunday and it was around 5:25 when I got home and dinner was supposed to be at 5:30. I was pissed. There was no reason why I had to go to the stupid store to get water with him. If he had better time management skills, he could have started cleaning the fish tank earlier in the day, had time to go get the water, and then we could have gone right back to my parents.

Dinner was bad. Not that it tasted bad, in fact it was delicious, but the “dinner discussion” was bad. Basically my dad ripped my SLP a new one. It’s the second time since I have been with my SLP that this has happened. The first time was after he finished mowing the lawn at my house and my SLP was mad that I didn’t defend him or take his side. I just stood there silent with tears streaming down my face. Same thing happened last night, my dad just basically went off and my SLP stood his ground a bit and fired back at my dad. I sat there stunned and again silent, but then started to cry. My SLP looked to me to say something and when I didn’t he got mad at me. I told him afterwards when we were at home that I agreed with my dad on a lot of those issues. Let’s face it. My SLP and I are not ready to take care of a house. We do not have the money and we are not able to do a lot of the work ourselves, so it going to cost even more to have the work done by someone else.

I asked my SLP on the way home last night if he wants to stay in the house. He said that he wants to make it our home. I’m not going to lie. That scares me a bit because I’m not sure that I want a future with my SLP.

I don’t even know what I want in life anymore. I’m not sure I want to have kids. I don’t know if I even want to be married or with someone for the rest of my life. I just don’t know. If I could figure out what I want out of life, it would help a lot. I am actually quite scared to move forward in life because the unknown is scary and I don’t know that I can handle whatever else life decides to throw my way.

Not Even Sure What to Title This…

I guess it’s kind of been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here; I’ve been kind of busy. Between helping my parents with a massive five day garage sale (they are kind of crazy), singing at church and dealing with a grumpy Spouse-Like-Person… it has either been happy or irritating.

So, I will start with the garage sale. My parents have been purging their house since they had to empty out the kitchen to remodel it back in February. My mom has been calling it a pre-estate sale so my brother and I don’t have too much stuff to try and deal with for when they die. With my parents purging their house, I’ve been bringing some things home with me that I want to keep. My SLP is having major issues with that. Some of the stuff I’ve brought home is kind of silly and I think to myself, what in the world am I going to do with that. While other things I’ve brought home, I have an emotional attachment to that I am not quite ready to get rid of. Other things are useful to me, like a sewing machine that’s old, but a lot better than the one we have. But my SLP was the exact name and model number of the sewing machine I brought home to see what it is worth to sell. Umm.. nope. I’m not going to sell it. Not yet at least. Sure it’s an older machine and a pain in the ass to thread the bobbin, but it sews beautifully, and a lot better than the other one. My SLP thinks he knows everything about the other machine, not mine, because he read the manual that came with it. I don’t care, but every time I try to sew on it, the bobbin gets all mangled because he fucked with the tension settings and now no matter what fabric I’m sewing the bobbin gets messed up.

Because of the garage sale, I’ve been spending a lot of time over at my parents to help get ready for the sale, help write up things for Craigslist and show my mom how to put ads up as well as helping each night after work during the week and on the weekend as well. As I’m sure you can guess, my SLP had issues with me being gone so much and helping my parents more than I “help out around the house.” He’s upset because I didn’t call when I was going to be later than I planned. At least I get that one, worried something might have happened like a flat tire or I’m upside down in a ditch somewhere.

Next thing would be singing with a choir like group at church on Saturday night. He’s upset with me because I didn’t talk with him before committing myself to this. Ok, I honestly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, practice on Thursday night before the Saturday we sing. And! It’s only every other week. So really, not that big of a deal. He’s also upset because I volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does called LOGOS every Wednesday night during the school year. His line of thinking is that it’s for people with kids and old people. He has said it’s just weird that I’m helping because I have no kids. Fine, let it be weird, but at this point I’m not even sure that I will ever have kids, so this will have to do.

Speaking of church and singing, I’m not sure I like the director of the group I sing with. She’s kind of snotty and a little rude sometimes and even bossy. Though I suppose she has a right to be bossy, but not snotty. She’s also not too keen with some of the staff of the church. Not sure what her problem is, but there’s no reason to say bad things about them. However, I’m trying to convince her that Starlight by Muse would be a good song to do one Saturday night.

My SLP asked why I was doing the singing at church. Honestly, I thought that I would be playing piano, just the left hand (lower notes), and not singing. But I’m singing now, and that’s not too bad and I kind of actually like singing. I told him that I missed it. He asked what I missed. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I missed about it, but I didn’t want to say something that he would just end up using against me later on. I missed being part of something that’s fun. He figured as much and said that if I missed being part of something that there are other things that I can be a part of and not just stuff at my church. He also told me not to get too comfortable because I might have to switch churches because my SLP does not like my church due to its size. It is large physically, as well as large member wise. My SLP thinks that when we have kids (if ever now) that we should go to a neutral church that neither of us have been to nor been members of. The one he wants to go to is an ok one, and I wouldn’t mind it, except I really like my church and the people there and I’ve been a member there all my life and I don’t see myself changing churches. Does that make me a bad person? I really hope not. To be honest, I don’t even think that my SLP would even go to church if we were to ever have kids.

Out of all of this, I think he’s just more upset that I didn’t spend a lot of time with him this past week. But for him to tell me to not get too comfortable in my own church and the activities that I do there.

Another thing that I’m actually more upset about than I thought was yesterday I was able to talk to my sister-in-law about my nephew being baptized soon and who they were thinking for God Parents. As it turns out, she was thinking one person who absolutely adores my nephew. My brother was thinking about another couple who would actually be great God Parents. I’m just kind of upset that I wasn’t even in the running for it. I have a feeling it’s because of my SLP.

No one in my family really likes my SLP- they mostly think he is a lazy ass that doesn’t do much around the house and I’m the one that ends up doing it all. Most of the time they would be correct. He mostly sleeps all day, complains about money that I spend (that I earn by working a full time job by the way), constantly telling me that my eating habits are bad and that I should eat better (really? Like I don’t already know that), that I would make a bad parent because I only think of myself and wouldn’t take care of the kid and finally about how I do nothing around the house. I don’t do a lot around the house because a lot of the time I don’t care. I also feel that because I was the one that tried to keep the house clean so many times before he would even help or think about helping that it’s just not my turn to care anymore. I will give him this though, he has been cleaning at night when I’m sleeping, but it’s not clean clean like I want it to be. I’m still planning on doing some massive cleaning some weekend, but my cleaning is also going to be purging the house. I should have done that sooner and had stuff at the garage sale my parents just had, would have been perfect. Now, I’ll have to wait until the fall to see if I could maybe have some stuff at a garage sale one of my aunties will be having. I have decided that if I do have stuff at the next “family” garage sale, I’m not sharing whatever I end up making with my SLP.

My dad brought up the fact that it would probably be better if my SLP and I moved into a condo. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing a lawn, home repairs, a mortgage.. I don’t know. We thought about it after my SLP’s mother died, but for us to move out of the house would take a lot of work because there is just a lot of stuff. Not all of it is even savable, but it means something to my SLP so I can’t get rid of it he has to and unfortunately he probably won’t.

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m happy with the things that I’m doing like my job, volunteering and singing at church and they are things that I’ve missed greatly, but my SLP does not fully support me in these endeavors. He thinks they are just going to be passing fads I seem to cycle through like cross stitching, knitting, painting, drawing- that sort of stuff. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I just wish my SLP would me more than tell me that I can’t do things like this. Maybe I need to give my support in order to get his support. I can’t say that I’ve supported him recently in anything other than a surgery a while ago. I’m told that I’m not supportive to him, but I don’t know what I need to be supportive of. Am I supposed to support his choice to sleep nearly all day? No, because that’s not something that I want to support. Like I said, I don’t even know anymore.

One Thing I Wish I’d Known Better

Man, one thing I wish I’d known better… There are so many to pick from really. I guess the biggest one and the one I still struggle with is money management. It’s not something that comes easy to me, though I like to think I can handle my income. I make enough that I could live on my own, probably without a tv- provided I have a tablet or computer to watch stuff on, so I’d need to have an internet provider and of course a mobile phone. Also would need a car so I can get to and from work and other places I may need to go. However, my current living situation should be saving me money but it’s not. My SLP does not have a job, but still receives money so he has some sort of an income, but the income I earn from working is the primary flow of money.

I know I can keep a check book balanced if I had to, but in the past I had trouble even doing that and went under a few times. Once bad enough I had to be bailed out. Was spending, but didn’t have the money. That was a lesson learned and it’s been quite a while since my bank account went under for anything. My issue is, I know how to do it, I just don’t want to do it. So my SLP has taken over my account and he manages all the money. Making weekly budgets, deciding what to spend on groceries and house hold supplies each week if we need to get something like toilet paper. Also makes sure all the bills are paid on time. We don’t have that many of them, but there are enough that still makes my paycheck stretched tight each time I’m paid.

I just wish that we had put a large chunk of money we received due to someone dying a few years ago to better use. I’m told that it’s my fault a lot of it was used up because I didn’t have a job for what my SLP says was two years. That’s actually false, as it was only at most one year. My SLP is the one that hasn’t had a job since high school, and that’s 13 years ago this year since his last job. I have been working steadily since the end of August, beginning of September of 2008 at the current company I’m at now, only thing was I was a temp until this past October when I was finally hired on in a full time position with fabulous benefits.

I get it, losing a parent is hard and it puts you in a funk for a while, but during that funk, I was the one that got the house cleaned and had people over that I trusted to help me clean. My SLP was the one that stayed in bed, stewing because people I trusted were over helping get the house cleaned up and just not so cluttered anymore. It’s not like it was dirty and grimy, just stuff that needed going through and things that needed to be put away. Since then, it’s been easier to get the house clean, but there are still things that take a bit to get done. I think eventually I’d like to get a cleaning schedule set for the house that makes it easier to clean instead of running around like crazy 10 minutes before someone comes over. It’s kind of hard to get basement stink out of the air in 10 minutes. Only thing really is to make fresh bread, and even that takes more than 10 minutes to mix, let sit to rise, then shape the dough, let is rise again and then finally bakes nearly two hours later.

Another thing I wish I’d known better was that even in their crazy way, my parents just wanted what was best for me. If it meant a ridiculous list of rules that I had to follow, then I guess I would have gone along with it. Instead, I rebelled, moved out and stopped going to school. Guess that’s not exactly what they wanted for me, but it’s what they got. I didn’t care if it hurt them, because they hurt me with the stupid rules. It didn’t help that I was clinically depressed and during the beginning of the school year, I was at a psychologist, and my mom was seeing a different psychologist in the next room over. My mom’s psychologist was also a family therapist, and my whole immediate family has gone to appointments with the family therapist as well as just my parents and myself seeing her. Well one day when my mom and I had appointments, and for the last part of it, my psychologist and I went into the office next to her office to meet with my mom and the family therapist. Apparently, they somehow decided that I was going to be hospitalized because I was zoning out and not wanting to pay attention to what they were talking about. I was livid that I was being stuck in a mental hospital when there wasn’t anything seriously enough wrong with me to have to go. In addition to being livid, I felt sad and even more than feeling sad, I felt abandoned. So after a few weeks after the new school year started, I had to be pulled from school for nearly two weeks to be monitored at the hospital. I was not a suicide risk, or even a risk to myself or others. So to this day, I’m still kind of baffled as to why I was even put in the hospital. My only guess would be is that my parents thought they were doing what was right at the time. Didn’t help that my psychologist, who I thought was on my side, even agreed with the family therapist and my mom that I needed the help the hospital could provide. Maybe that’s something I’ll have to ask my mom about. It’s not something that I like talking about much because I truly don’t understand why I went. Maybe my parents thought that it was something that was really going to help me.

Ugh, that’s enough of that, lol. Talking about that is making me all depressed and reminding me of how I pretty much threw my life away after getting out of the hospital because I thought it was the end of the world I was even there. I guess that really doesn’t have much to do with something I wish I’d known better. Anyway, I’m typing up a dream I had the other night so I think some time later today I’ll get that posted.