Just a Post to Ramble On…

I figure today is going to be a day that I complain. My SLP wants me to cancel my gym membership. I’m actually ok with that and ready to be done with the gym. I was just having a conversation with my friend, who also has a membership at the same gym, and she said that if she is already changed into workout clothes, she is able to just go in, get on a machine and go. She doesn’t notice the people around her. I told her that I can’t not notice the people when I walk into the gym, and then I see all of these fit people; it just makes me massively discouraged. I know that weight loss is a long journey and there are no overnight solutions for it.

 

One of the last times I went to the gym, some lady next to me on one of the bikes said, “You see all these fit people and that is what you strive for. The fit people see you and that’s what they work towards not becoming.” Oh yeah, that’s going to make a female with massive self-image issues feel oh so much better about herself. The thing about that lady that struck me as odd, is that she also said she uses that as motivation for herself, but she is a much larger lady than I am, or was at the time I last saw her.

 

I think if I had to describe myself, I would pick ‘husky’ from Gabriel Iglesias’s levels of fatness. If he used to describe himself as ‘fluffy’ then I would definitely be ‘husky’ on his scale.

 

 

Thanks to Pinterest, I’ve found a lot of daily workouts to try at home. So losing the gym membership really won’t hurt me in any way since I stopped going. I keep telling myself that next week is going to be the week I start exercising and working out again, then next week arrives and I just tell myself again that next week will be the week. But hopefully, this next week since it’s also the start of a new month I will start working out at home. I think it’s a good opportunity and I’ll have to set myself some goals to achieve as well.

 

Another thing I wanted to ramble about was that it is Easter weekend. Yay Easter! I think I’m more excited about helping my nephew color eggs tonight at my parents. He’s still a little too young to fully grasp the whole resurrection story, which is fine because I think he’s more excited about looking for eggs and getting an Easter basket from the ‘Easter Bunny.’ Eh, what can you do, the kid is going to turn three this year.

 

Also happening this weekend, two of my favorite television shows are airing new episodes, Game of Thrones and Doctor Who. I’m so excited those two are back! Until this year, I hadn’t really watched any GoT episodes, but my SLP and I would do mini marathons over the weekends and now we are both hooked. DW, we started watching when it was on the Sci-Fi channel a few years ago when it was rebooted with Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor.

 

And speaking of Doctor Who, I’m going to leave you with this…

Thoughts Spring Brings to Mind

I thought this would be an interesting thing to talk about, thoughts spring brings to mind. Since spring is officially here, I was hoping for some warmer weather. Not the hot disgusting temperatures we saw in Wisconsin last year, mid to upper 80’s. That was too hot for spring and I like the gradual lead in to summer from winter that spring is supposed to be. Quick side story, I have a gym membership and one day after work I went to get my work out on, it was so hot outside and I walked into the gym and it was like walking into a cloud of sweat. It was hotter in the gym than it was outside and you were breathing sweat. Disgusting. It was like they didn’t even have the air on in there, but I made it through my work out, went home and decided that I wouldn’t go back until it either cooled down, or the air was working properly in the gym. After that I just kind of stopped going and now I’m looking to cancel my membership because the last few times I’ve gone to the gym, I’ve gotten there and then sat in my car having a panic attack, tears streaming down my face because I can’t get myself to go in. Anxiety sucks.

Anyway, back to thoughts the spring brings to mind.. I think the biggest one is new life. Not just in the human baby sense, but in general. All the plants are coming back to life, new fresh buds on the trees and flowers, animals waking up after the winter hibernation. For people in school, it means the school year is coming to a close. For the religious folks, it’s time for the resurrection story. I think spring is just an exciting time of year to see everything renewed. It’s also a great time to open the house up and get all the old air out and let the fresh air in.

I think it’s also a great time for animals, like I mentioned earlier they are waking from their winter hibernations. Other animals are returning to the area, like birds coming back. I’ve already spotted a robin a few weeks ago; it was just chilling out on the roof of my parents’ house looking quite fat and happy. I have been seeing more flocks of geese flying over on their way back to their homes.

I also had a dream last night that I’ve typed up and put a link to on the Dreams page. You can also just click here if you would like to read about it.

Guilty Pleasures Part 1

So hey.. I kind of ran out of time yesterday to post anything. I guess it’s not the end of the world, because I don’t think there are a whole lot of people that read my dribble.

Anyway, I kind of want to write about guilty pleasures after catching up on last week’s Glee episode. I know that I don’t have a whole lot of guilty pleasures, but I think I’ll make this a series of posts. One of them for sure is fan fiction. Though I suppose if you really think about it, aren’t a lot of books published based on fan fiction? Take Star Wars for example, would you not consider all of the Expanded Universe stuff as fan fiction? All started because of a love for the original trilogy with Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and Han Solo. Same thing with 50 Shades of Grey, it started out as fan fiction for Twilight.

It all started in 1996 when we had just gotten the internet at my house and from that point forward I was doomed. At that time, I was a fan of the band Hanson- not so much a fan now, I haven’t even listened to them in years. I used to have this big huge crush on Taylor Hanson, so being the fangirl I am, I decided to try my hand at writing fan fiction. Of course they were crap and I ended up burning them one night during a bon fire, but that hasn’t stopped me from writing in general.

Then my love of Star Wars happened. Man, lol. I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose the beginning is a good place to start. Back in 1998 when I was in 8th grade, my science teacher gave an assignment to create a planet. It could be anything you want it to be, but it had to have certain aspects. Like if you wanted a gravity heavy planet, you had to design beings and plant life that would survive there, for example short aliens that were able to withstand the heavy gravity. If you wanted a planet that had little to no gravity, an example of an alien or being would be super tall and gangly. To get us in the mindset of aliens and what they could look like, we spend the first half of the class period watching sci-fi movies. The first film clip being the original Star Wars with the classic cantina scene where Luke and Obi-Wan ‘Ben’ Kenobi meet Han Solo and Chewbacca. Until that point, there was only one other time that I had watched Star Wars, and even then I wasn’t too interested in it. I was in a hotel room on vacation, Star Wars was on and it was the trash compacter scene from the same one I mentioned. The other movie that I was switching back and forth on during commercials was the original Tron movie and ended up being the movie I watched until I fell asleep.

Needless to say, after that day in my science class, I was in love with Star Wars. My best friend at the time, and I were planning a sleep over for the weekend and the main thing on the agenda was to have a Star Wars marathon. I fell in love with Han Solo, he’s just too damn cool for his own good. However, the thought never occurred to me to write about Han Solo. That didn’t happen until after I saw Episode I in 1999. Young Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is not to like about a sexy looking Jedi knight? With a Brit/Scot accent as well? After that movie, he was the Star Wars man of my dreams and kicked Han Solo to the curb. I decided that Obi-Wan needed a girlfriend and eventual wife. So I started writing about it. Now 14 years later, I’m still working on it. Every now and then I go back and read what I had first wrote and I just shake my head and laugh. Was my writing really that bad? Like it was worse than what I think the quality of my writing is now.

Along with my Star Wars thing, I also have written some other stuff centering on a favorite actor of mine as well as my favorite band. I’ve also tried my hand at fan fiction for an anime that I adore, Inuyasha. My favorite character pairing for that is Kagome and Sesshoumaru. For anyone that has seen the anime series or read the manga, Kagome ends up with Inuyasha, but I like the pairing of Kagome and Inuyasha’s icy bastard of a half-brother, Sesshoumaru.

Lately though, my writing has taken a backseat because it seems like my little muse has wandered off somewhere and has yet to return. So I have been reading a lot of fan fiction online hoping to read or see something that strikes my fancy enough that I’d like to try to write something like it.

One Person I’m Glad I Met

This is another of those blog ideas I wrote down on that list. I find this topic interesting because of my situation in life. It’s not that extraordinary, but being adopted, I feel extremely lucky and glad to have met all the people I have in my life so far. Really though, I like to think that everyone was lucky to be born into the world. Out of all the possibilities that could have been, you as an individual were the one that was born. You or I could have been born the opposite sex that we are and that may have changed the circle of friends that we have been attracted to. The location of birth may have been different as well, and again that group of friends would have been different.

However, there are some friends that I think people are destined to meet. For example, I was having a conversation with a great friend of mine the other day and I asked her, had we not met on Twitter due to our love of the same band, would we have ever met?  Her response was “I think we would have met somewhere down the like. Everyone you meet, and the people who you come in contact and affect your life, make you into who you are, everyone had a purpose, and a meaning significant to you. So it’s kinda one of those things that you and everyone you know makes you.”

I also just asked another friend the same question, had we not worked together in a department at work, would we still have met and become friends? Her response was maybe and then she added “I think if we had met somewhere else we’d have become friends. I’m not sure about the first part (if we would have met).” Then she turned it around on me and asked what I thought..

I think I would have met the people in my life anyway, probably not the way we did, and there’s a chance that we may have become friends or not, like just meeting each other standing in a line somewhere and that was the only contact I had with them.

Though I guess if I had to pick one person I’m glad I met, I’m going to cheat and say my mother and my father. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be in the place I am and have lived the life so far that I have lived. I also may or may not have had the opportunities I’ve had and will have in the future. Just the other day I told my mom something and it nearly brought both of us to tears. I told her when I was little I thought she was the greatest person in the world. When I became a teenager, I thought she was the devil. Now that I’m slightly older, I’ve realized that I absolutely love my mom, and my dad for that matter, and I am so glad that they are in my life. I also told her that I was not sorry for moving out when I did, but I just needed the space to figure out who I was, and I knew it was hard for her when I moved out because it was hard for me. I hated being apart from my mom like that but I knew it was the only way I could figure things out. My mom told me that what her and my dad were doing was to protect me and they were doing it out of love. Some of the things that happened, I wouldn’t say were out of love, but I’m willing to look past those now and just move forward with the relationships I have with my parents. I like that I can spend time with them together by going to church, and then doing things with each of them that are special to them and me. My mom, I’ll spend all day on a Saturday over at their house making cards while she scrapbooks or makes cards. With my dad, I go deer hunting with him during bow season. Those are things that I am always going to remember about my parents as things that I did with them along with many other things.

Dreams and Church

So, I had a weirdish dream last night and typed up as much as I could remember and put it here if you would like to read it. Probably not though cause it’s not really that interesting.

Another thing I’d like to touch on today since it is Sunday, is church. I didn’t realize how much I actually missed going to church until I started going again. For some reason I feel like it gives me a partial purpose in life. I say partial because I still don’t know what my full purpose in life is yet, though I secretly hope it’s something spectacular and special. But with my luck it probably won’t be. I’m not going to push my religion on you and say that if you don’t go to church you soul is going to be damned to hell for all eternity. I’m also not going to say going to church is the greatest thing in the world either. I will say that I think I enjoy going is to see people who care about me and welcome me no matter how I look or how much weight I’ve gained since they have last saw me. There is a safe feeling about going to church because no matter who you are or what your background or things going on in your personal life, these people at my church will always accept you for who you are and not what you are. Ever since I was a baby, my parents have taken my brother and I to church every Sunday for the 8:00 service. When my brother got his drivers license, I think he was given the choice of going or not going and from what I can remember, he still went with us. When I was in I high school, I still went every Sunday with my parents until the church added a Saturday night service that started at 5:00. There were some weekends that I got a triple dose of church because of various things the senior high kids did and when I was part of a music group at church. After I turned 18 and moved out of my parents house, I pretty much stopped going to church except for Christmas and Easter and a few other times. Though starting this year, I’ve gone more than I have in the last few years. I have also been thinking about joining that musical group again since they are still providing the music for the Saturday night service every other week.

I have also volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does each Wednesday during the school year called Logos. Though I won’t start until this next school year since the current one is almost done. When I told my SLP about it, I knew he’d have a bad reaction. He’s not too thrilled that I will be gone every Wednesday for a few hours each night after work. I didn’t see what the big deal was about it. I’m actually excited and looking forward to doing it. I did this program when it first started 15 years ago and continued until I moved out. I was having a conversation with SLP’s step mom last night and I told her about my plans and what his reaction was.  She didn’t see anything wrong with me wanting to do this and said “What’s wrong with that? You will probably enjoy it and grow your circle of friends… THAT would be the problem.” I told her that my SLP has said on multiple occasions that he doesn’t like my church because it’s so big and constantly growing and that it is “too big for their britches.” She also made a point when she asked if my SLP ever supports my interests, and if not, take him up on counseling just to point it out. I told her that he doesn’t really support anything I do unless it benefits him in some way. Unfortunately, the more I think about that, it’s true. I was under the impression that part of the spouses job in a marriage is to always support their other half in life and in their interests.

I’ll have to write another post about my SLP later. He just drives me up the wall with his behavior and honestly deserves an entire post on his own, sadly. It’s also sort of late and I need to get to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow. For those of you that are reading this, I hope you all had a good weekend and the week won’t drag on too much for you this week. Next weekend enjoy your chocolate bunny and marshmallow Peep induced comas, I know I will!

Wondering Where to Go

I often wonder what I would be doing with my life had I done things differently? For example, in high school, I had a chance to date a really nice guy but I turned him down. I’m not sure of the reason anymore but I wonder how different my life would have been had I dated him. Would we have stayed together as long as my spouse-like-person (SPL) have? I like to think that maybe had I dated the other guy, I may have actually continued to go to high school instead of basically dropping out for a few months. I did end up graduation with my class, but I went to the Alternative School, which unfortunately was where those kids went. The ones that were into drugs who got busted, the ones who dropped out or got knocked up or were just the bad kids in general. It’s sad that the Alternative program has such a bad rap for that, but I wasn’t with those kids. I only needed an English credit and a math credit to even graduate, otherwise I had all the credits I needed. I ended up doing self study courses on a computer program. For the last to quarter report cards of my life, I was finally on the High Honor Roll. That was only because I had two courses and I got high A’s in both English and math. So in a way, it was sort of cheating because I didn’t have the other courses to bring my G.P.A down to a lower average.

Anyway, back to my musings about a possible future I may have had. I think if I didn’t turn him down, I never would have moved out of my parents house when I turned 18, I would have continued to go to school like a normal person, and then gone off to college. While at college, I would have met someone new and would have to decide if I wanted to continue a relationship with the other guy from high school or give it a go with the new guy at college. I’m not a big fan of change, but I may have decided to give it a go to see if there was anything there. If not, I would have gone back to the guy from high school if he didn’t find anyone at the college he went to. Had it not gone well with the new guy from college, I think I would have gone back to the other guy from high school. Then I would have realized that it would not have worked out between us and out mothers would just have to be disappointed. My mom and his mom had been plotting since the guy from high school and myself were little tykes that one day we would get married. Yeah.. too bad that it didn’t work out that way.

I also often wonder about what would happen if I left my SPL. For a while and even now, I still think about a future without him in it. He tends to bring me down a lot and we fight a lot. Is this the sort of thing I want to keep living in a house with? If I have kids, do I want them to be with my SPL? How will raising my future kids in a house like this where there is a lot of fighting hurt them? There seem to be too many questions for me to be sure about anything. I have no idea and that scares me a lot. More so that I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I wonder where to go probably more than I should. Maybe that’s because I’m still looking for Mr. Right, if he’s even out there anywhere. In my dreams, I always dream about Mr. Right and meeting him and having that perfect family with him in the big house and nice cars. Much like the American Dream. But then my dream turns into something worse. The house burns down, my family is falling apart, my perfect husband has been cheating on me and in turn, I cheated on him and only one of my two kids with him are actually his. So much for the perfect lifestyle that a lot of people strive towards. I don’t think there will ever be that perfect family except in movies. I think if you have a ton of money, you can only be happy for so long. As the saying goes, money doesn’t buy happiness. It just buys a lot of stuff to hold your attention for a while, but even then the attention only lasts so long on the item. If you don’t have a lot of money but you have a caring and wonderful family, I think that is closer to that perfect happiness. You can’t have both, but you can certainly try. Money tends to destroy families, people always have that greed in them, but for a lot, money brings that out. Then the stupid decisions start and then the money is all gone.

Look at that, I’m rambling again. I’m so sorry. I do that a lot. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I do wonder where I should go from here in life. I don’t know that I’m truly happy and I do wonder all the time if I would be happier without my SPL. But then I start to feel guilty because I think about all the people I will disappoint because I won’t be part of their lives. It’s hard for me because I do truly care for them and I am so glad that they are in my life.

With that, I will end this post with one of my favorite songs from Muse, Butterflies & Hurricanes.

Looking Back at Childhood Plans

I’ve been thinking about this dream thing again, and I’ve realized that while I have a lot of my dreams written down in journals and notebooks, it’s going to be a while before I can get them typed up. So in the meantime, this is going to serve as my place to vent my frustrations on things and situations in my life as well as celebrate the good things happening as well.

 Because I have a hard time, a lot of the time, trying to come up with something to talk about on here, I Googled blog ideas and I made a list of 32 ideas that seem like a good idea to try and write about. I’m going to set a goal for myself, to write about one of those things on that list every day until it is done. I’m sure I’ll have other things to say between those particular posts, but that list is just serving as a list of ideas.

 With the above being said, I suppose I should put one of those ideas to good use. I like this one ‘Childhood Plans, What I Wanted to be When I Grew Up’ because everyone- no matter who you are, always dreamed about what they wanted to do as an adult. Now that I am an adult, I’m still dreaming about what I want to be when I grow up. Mostly because I still don’t know what I want to do for a career. My current job is just a job, but I could see myself doing it for quite a few years.

 When I was little, I always wanted to be a princess, but once I realized that I had to be of royal blood or lucky enough to bag myself a prince, there was no way I could be a princess. Then my focus shifted to being a teacher. I remember having friends over after school, or going to their house and we would play ‘School’ where I would always want to be the teacher. Quite similar to playing ‘House’ I had to be the mom or the cool older sister or the baby. The part about playing school was being the teacher and having that special red hard cover notebook that held the attendance and grades of each student in the class. I always thought I could be the most powerful person in the world if I had one of those.

 As I started growing up, aside from being a teacher, my interests shifted from time to time to be a meteorologist, an artist, a musician, a professional writer, an interior decorator, a historian and a professional cake baker. But for some reason out of all of those things, the only ones that stuck were teacher, historian and cake baker. Then I decided that I would become a history teacher. I had it all planned out in my head, go to UW-Whitewater for a degree to become a history teacher, find a job at a local school and teach for the rest of my life. My junior year in high school, my parents and I drove down to Whitewater to tour the campus and meet the head of the history department. The campus is beautiful, and not the first time I had been there. A few years before I went to tour, my brother graduated from UW-Whitewater so I think part of me wanting to go to that university was because my brother went there. Even though there is a rather large gap in years between us, I still wanted to be just like him and do everything he did. I even took French in school instead of Spanish or German (though in hindsight I should have taken Spanish) so that my brother could help me with my homework if I didn’t understand it. I remember being so excited to take French in school that I told my brother and he said the only thing that he remembers (I’m guessing he was kidding now that I look back because I know he knows more than he said he did at the time) was to ask for the bathroom “Où est la salle de bains?” which actually is “where is the shower” but that didn’t stop me from wanting to learn more.

 Anyway, my parents and I went down to tour the campus at Whitewater. After meeting the head of this history department at the university we walked away with an odd feeling, like the guy didn’t really know much about his area. We asked what it would take and what sorts of classes were needed to become a history teacher and he just didn’t have much information on it and said that wasn’t something he was familiar with. Rather strange for the head of the department, don’t you think? So after meeting the unknowledgeable gentleman, we finished the tour of the campus, and went to the, I guess you could call it the gift shop and then went home. At first I was rather discouraged about becoming a history teacher, but that didn’t stop me from looking at other universities in the state of Wisconsin. I also looked at UW-Superior, but I decided that being that far away from family for four years would be too hard for me so I abandoned that idea.

 During all of this, I discovered something about myself that I love to bake and decorate cakes. Granted I already knew that I loved to bake cookies, cakes and cupcakes so going to school for that would be a great alternative for my initial plan of becoming a history teacher was put on the back burner.

 So even though I still haven’t gone to college for anything that I want to do, I still would like to someday go to college for either of those things. But after my experience of going to a local technical college, I’ve shied away from school. I wouldn’t say it was bad, but I will say I was definitely not ready for something like that and was massively glad that I wasn’t at a large campus like Whitewater or Superior. I have some major anxiety problems that I’m working on and at the time, my heart wasn’t in to going to college. I wanted to do the baking and pastry arts program at the technical school, but the program was full when I finally decided I wanted to do it. So instead, I ended up taking a bunch of classes to make sure I had enough credits to continue to stay on my parents’ health insurance. There was already a lot of tension between my mom and me so much so that I moved out of the house a week after I turned 18 some months before graduating high school (but that’s a whole post on its own). I felt like I was being forced to go to college just so I could continue the health insurance. In the end, I stopped going to the classes and got as much of a refund as I could on the classes and the unused books.

 Regardless, of what happed to dissuade me from going to college I think that someday I’ll go. Probably not to be a history teacher- mostly because I wanted to specialize in war history and that would be a hard job to find in my area. No, I think I’ll go for that baking and pastry arts program and if not that, perhaps I’ll go for a business management program so I can climb the corporate ladder if an opportunity came along to do so. I’m always going to love history and baking, so if I end up doing the business management and take some additional classes in the history area and then down the line a bit later in my life, I’ll finally take that baking and pastry arts program for something to do in my eventual retirement when I’m old.