Bring on the Stupid and I’m Sorry…

I’ve decided that I’m ready for the stupid today. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be bad. I’m sure it’s also going to be a busier than normal Monday as well because of the holiday weekend.

Not meaning to change the subject, but I kind of need to. I kind of feel like I’m forcing myself to write posts for this lately. It’s not that I’ve lost interest in posting on here, I just haven’t had interesting dreams lately and I feel like I’m beating a dead horse with my complaints. I’ve also been devoting nearly all of my writing time to my Batman project. So far I’ve got quite a lot done on it, though I have no idea how to end it. I just haven’t gotten to a point where I need to start thinking about how to end it.

I’ve also gotten back into beading and making bracelets for myself. They are pretty awesome if I do say so myself lol.

Other than that, there isn’t much that is new with me. Oh! I officially own a house now and I don’t know how to feel about that really. I sort of see it as something permanent and tying me to a relationship that I still don’t know if I want to be in. Well, I do want to be in the relationship, but we’ve just been going through some rough spots and a long dry spell that sometimes makes it hard for me to see anything positive out of the relationship.

But with the new mortgage and signing those papers, it feels as though I’m moving on to a new chapter in my life and I’m actually excited for what the future is going to bring. It’s a fabulous feeling when things fall into place.

I’ll try to post something at least once a week here, but I’m hoping to post twice. We’ll see how it works out. Until the next post, have a lovely day!


Regrets and a Few Other Things

Here it is Friday night, I’m at home sitting at my computer trying to think of something to post. I had this idea while I was at work the other day since this is my 30th post, that I would make a post of thirty things that I want to do this summer. Yeah.. nope. I started a list, and most of the things on there are movies that are coming out this year that I want to see. So, that’s not really a list of things to do.

Maybe I could make this a post about regrets. I’ve got a large one from last Friday. After work, I went out with some friends after work and ended up consuming at least six at most possibly eight of a particular alcoholic drink in two and a half to three hours- which ended up being 24 to 32 shots of liquor in that short amount of time. I’ve been told that I would have been fine had they not set a tray of twelve shots of tequila and because of the smell of the tequila I puked. On the table. In a beer pitcher. Even a little bit on the person sitting next to me. It was a bad night after that. I remember everything before about 8:30, but if you were to ask me what happened after that, I could not tell you. So, I suppose that’s a regret since it was my anniversary with my SLP. I remember sitting on the toilet at home, sobbing into a bucket while puking saying, “I’m sorry, so so so sorry,” over and over again.

Other things that I suppose I regret would be not pursing certain things in high school. Like actually doing my home work to get better grades to go to college to get a better job. Don’t get me wrong, I love the job I have now, but at this point in my life, I thought I would be better off. Back to the high school thing, I regret not asking a boy or two out for more than one date. Sure they were fun dates, if you could even call them that, but I got scared and didn’t want to be attached to someone I went to high school with. There was always that whatever you want to call it of dating someone from high school, then saying you’ll stay together through college and then you do, but realize once it’s too late that you were better off apart. Main thing is, I regret that I didn’t see where the relationships would have taken me.

Another thing that I regret is something that I’m still struggling with now. I don’t know that I want to stay with my SLP because of not knowing if I actually truly love him. It’s something that I regret because again, I’m too scared to see what would happen if I were to leave him. I just know that right now, it’s easier to stay. With him I have a place to live, a car to get myself to and from work and other places that I need to be, and those other things like computer, television and stuff like that. I guess it’s more of a possible future regret if I don’t do something about it soon.

I also regret that I start things and never finish them, but who doesn’t you know?

I did also want to just have a post of my normal rambling. The last week and a few days, I’ve been training the newest person in my department at work. I lucked out on this because I’ve worked with this person for two years previously in the last department I was in. I trained her then too, so I know how much I can push. My manager told me that I’ll be training someone who is starting in July and I’m terrified. I think I’ve done a horrible job training, but that’s just who I am I think. I think I do a bad job at everything. Maybe because I set my standards stupidly high so that I never reach them and I constantly fail. I suppose that’s something to regret as well. I’ve probably missed out on some great opportunities because of that. I never thought that I would miss being on the phone as much as I have the last few days where I’ve been listening to calls with the new person while she did all the talking in case she had questions about what was being asked of her. I miss having the slight freedom of being able to talk to one of the people I consider my best friend. I miss being able to listen to music in one ear to make the day go by faster and it also helps forget the people that are rude and demeaning over the phone. I miss being able to write a post for this whatever you want to call it thing that started out as a dream log and turned into something more where I can figure my thoughts out. I miss not having to have people depend on my to learn something. One of the things I like the most about my job is the easiness of it. It’s simple. A customer calls in, they want to talk to a person and you connect the call to that person. Sometimes you’ll have to do a little extra work to dig up the claim the customer is calling about, or try and defuse a situation where the customer is pissed off about something that is out of your control. Yet all the customer needed was someone to that they could vent to but then they say, “Look, I know it’s not your fault, but I just really needed to talk to someone about it,” and you offer to get them in touch with someone that can help them and most of the time they will say no because you helped enough and they are ok now just because you sat there listening to what they were saying.

Another thing that I miss is something from my old job. Sure it sucked not having the benefits of health insurance and actual vacation days where you didn’t have to work some massively fucked up hours just to make sure you reached 40 hours each week to have enough money for bills. But I miss the freedom of being able to take lunches and breaks whenever and being able to watching or listen to something playing on Netflix all day. Honestly though, I would trade that in a heartbeat any day for the stability of being a full time employee and the benefits. Some day I may look at other positions within the company, but right now I feel very secure in my position. I do my job, and apparently I do it well even though I half ass it most of the day.

Lately I’ve been trying my had at writing some Batman something or another. I don’t usually share my writing with many people, but I did end up sharing what I had typed up with my friend. She said she liked it so far, but I don’t know. I wonder if she was just saying that, lol. I know that she would never lie about something like that to me, but I’m so not confident in my writing skills and think that everything I write is just shit. I also feel like the ideas that I have and want to write are things that have already been written, the ideas aren’t good or they don’t match the characters I’m writing- or at least attempting to write. I’m not confident in a lot of the things that I do. I think that’s probably another thing that I regret. Maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll post what I’ve got written on here on a different page or something. So far though, I’ve been writing it for my own amusement with no thoughts of really sharing with other people. I just shared with her because I wanted an opinion on something because, like usual, I thought it was pretty lame so far. I’ve got a short list of ideas I want to try out with this thing. Hopefully they aren’t all as horrible as I seem to think they are.

Speaking of writing, there is a Star Wars related thing that I’ve been working on FOREVER, lol. I started writing it in 1999 after I saw The Phantom Menace and decided that Obi-Wan needed a special female Jedi in his life. Over the years, my character I created has had some changes made to her and I really like what she is now. I have quite a bit of that written out and so many more ideas for that one in my head as well. I really wish I had a pensieve from the world of Harry Potter so I could extract those thoughts from my head and bottle them for when the mood to write strikes. I find myself struggling to think of something to write when I sit down and plan on writing, basically forcing myself to write instead of waiting for the right time to write. My ideal writing time seems to be when I’m laying in bed before falling asleep or taking a bath. Those are the times I am most relaxed and the ideas are easier to form. I think that’s common for most people- having to be relaxed and open to the ideas in the mind. Forced writing is terrible and just doesn’t make for exciting or dynamic things in whatever is being read. I often wonder if my blog, or whatever you would call this, is forced writing or more organic and flowing. I would have to say that due to the rambling nature of my writing on here, it’s more organic and it comes from my heart and mind instead of being forced writing that has no feeling. A few times my own writing has brought me to tears. Not really on here, except in a post from last week I think it was where I was talking about the aging Bruce Wayne/Batman where his body was basically failing him. No, there may have been another time I was nearly in tears writing a post that was truly from the heart and my feelings on something.

One night I was in bed trying to write a good bye bit for my Star Wars thing, I have a tendency to skip around in that one. It’s been on going for so long that I’ll write something where Obi-Wan and the character I created are younger one moment and the next moment, I’m writing something where they are older. So anyway, I was trying to write the bit where Obi-Wan and my character part ways until she dies, and for some reason, I pictured it in my head, but putting it into actual words on paper hurt my heart so much that I was in tears trying to write it out. I’ve come to love my character and the thought of her having to say good bye to the person she’s shared her life with, her best friend and the person she loves more than anything was just killing me inside. I would hate to be in her position. Each time I think about that part, I see the same thing in my head like that night I tried to write it. It’s just in my head so clearly that I’ve wondered if maybe in a past life of mine, my soul was in a good bye like that with a soul mate.

Speaking of soul mates and past lives, I’ve had some dreams that were so vivid and so real that it felt like I was actually there. Those dreams have made me wonder if they were truly a past life of mine. I think shit like that is pretty awesome and if I could, I would love to walk the halls of my soul to see where it’s been and who it’s been with in the past. I have this feeling that my soul is probably middle aged. I’ve talked with a friend about this and she says that her soul is an old soul, and if you knew her, like I think I do that would be a correct assumption. Her personality and actions are wise, like she’s been around, seen some shit you know? I feel like my soul still has a lot of learning to do, so maybe it’s a young soul. I don’t know, but one thing I know is that I think my soul was at least around during the World Wars. I’ve had multiple dreams before about a couple during World War II where the newly wedded husband has to go off to fight. The husband and his new bride write letters back and forth. One day, she writes him and tells him that he’s going to be a father by the time he returns home. Excited by the news, he writes a letter back telling her that he’s got a feeling the war is going to be over soon. Oh man, was he wrong. Later that day, he’s killed. In my dreams, his death has varied from being shot down over the German country side, to being killed by bombings to being shot in the head, heart or another random body part or area, to being gutted by a bayonet during hand to hand combat with enemy soldiers. For the wife, she ends up miscarrying and is devastated when she learns that her new husband has been killed in action. Feeling like her life is over and she has nothing left to give to the world, she enlists to be an army nurse and demands to be sent over seas. Sometimes she is sent over seas to the war front in Europe, other times it’s to the Pacific theater. Other times she takes her own life.

Something in regards to souls and reincarnations, I just had a thought. It’s probably not that original actually, and now that I think about it, I think my friend mentioned it one day when we were talking about this. But each time you die, your soul is split. Like not bad like Voldemort soul splitting to become immortal, but like a little piece of it goes missing. Maybe it stays with the body that was currently carrying it, maybe it goes onto a different person from the rest of the soul. Or maybe it’s totally split in half. If that’s the case, maybe it’s why it’s possible to have multiple soul mates. I think the people that you meet in your life are in your life because they carry part of your original soul. Hopefully that makes sense. It’s starting to get late and I need to get to bed. I’m actually planning on doing some yard work tomorrow before church.

With that, I will leave you and wish you all a good night and happy dreams. Until next time.

Batman Dreams and Simpsons Games

It’s been a few days since my last post. I have a valid reason for that, I swear. Lol. Although, I do blame that game, The Simpsons Tapped Out. I’ve been trying to whack enough snakes to get the prizes before the Whacking Day thing ends- which will be sometime today. Secretly, I’m hoping that it will go on another week, but it has already been extended a week and by some comments on another blog I follow (which is about the game itself) other people wouldn’t be too happy if the Whacking Day bit gets extended again. As it is right now, I would need 2461 snakes for the next prize after Bare Chested Willie. It’s quite unfeasible, so I’m not too worried if I don’t get the last two prizes. By the way, this game is addicting. And fun.

I had a dream or two last night. I remember three different bits to whatever I was dreaming. The first part was I was at work and some random guy just appeared next to my desk and was asking where he could find a certain person. I told him that is not something I could assist him with and he kept insisting. I finally stood up and told him where to go to get that information. I remember saying “Leave my desk, go out the door you snuck in, then go through one of the three doors to your left, and go down the stairs. After you are down the stairs, walk straight over to the reception desk, tell the lady there who you are looking for and she will direct you to our HR department. Now get the hell out of here.” No idea where that came from because after that it changed to something else that was kind of weird.

The next part of the dream I remember I was in a big open indoor space with a car and some building support pillars, sort of like a parking garage/ramp but it was all enclosed so it wasn’t really. I was sitting on the hood of the car hugging my knees with my chin resting on my knees feeling sad. There was a person sitting next to me and since it was dark in the area, I couldn’t really see and I just remember him telling me that everything would be alright each time I would sniffle from crying.  I started to drift off to sleep and this guy told me he would watch over me as I slept and he promised that nothing would happen. So much for keeping his promise, I woke up a little bit later and he was gone. I slid off the hood of the car and walked around to try and figure out where I was. Off to my right there was a set of stairs that led up to a door. To my left there was nothingness. Just black upon black upon black, so I walked over to the stairs. About half way over, the door opened and the Joker walked out.

Not Heath Ledger’s Joker or even Jack Nicholson’s or Cesar Romero’s Jokers. It was the cartoon version voiced by Mark Hamill, but he was human. With the Joker being there, that led me to believe that the person that was sitting next to me was Batman before I fell asleep. For some reason, I don’t remember feeling terrified standing before the Joker. I asked him what he was doing here and he just replied “It’s your party dearie,” stopping to cackle and then continued on, “As far as I know, you wished me here. Maybe for a party?” he paused again and started pulling stuff out of his sleeves and confetti exploded out of a small pistol with a stick coming out of the end of the gun barrel with a little flag and the word ‘bang’ on it. “Or maybe for some games? I like games that are fun and deadly!” I asked him if he knew who was sitting by me earlier and he said no, but went on to say that if it was “Batsy” he would have been out sooner to torment him.

At that point, my dream sort of changed again, but kept with the super hero-ishness that was sort of going on. I was driving the car I was sitting on before with Batman sitting next to me, Joker was in the back seat along with The Flash. I was driving like I was going to work and instead of the normal parking ramps that are actually at my work, it was like a super parking ramp that was really tall. I pulled into my normal parking spot in the ramp, got out to go into work and there was a question asked and I remember replying that I did not know and got back in the car to drive away. When I got back in, it was just Batman and myself in the car, so I left work and as I was driving out of the ramp, the drive seemed longer and longer, like it was never ending. We finally got to a point where the ramp came to a ‘T’ intersection and no signs, so we sat there. I asked Batman if he had ever been in anything like this before and he said no. After talking about it a little more, we both decided on the same thing, to back the car up a bit, then gun it forward to break through the wall in front of us. I looked behind to back up and saw that the ramp was collapsing behind us, so we had to hurry. After going back as far as I could, I put the car in drive and just stepped on it, hoping and wishing that we would not become a bat-pancake. Apparently it was an illusion that shattered like glass when we drove through it and continued on to try and exit the parking ramp.

I have no idea if we ever left the parking ramp as I woke up to my side aching. Turns out I had my hand on my side and I was gripping my skin. Rather surprised it wasn’t bruised.

Dreams and Star Wars and Batman, Oh my!

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Mine was pretty good. Got to sleep in a bit finally, but I ended up staying up way to late on Saturday night watching stuff on YouTube and then sleeping half the day away on Sunday. Oh well. Not a whole lot happened this weekend, but it was still pretty good and massively relaxing after the crazy weekend before with helping my parents and singing in church.

It was kind of strange though, Saturday morning, I woke up sobbing- like hardcore sobbing, hyperventiling, and wet pillow from the tears. I vaguely remember what I was dreaming about, but it wasn’t anything that should have made me cry as hard as I did. In the dream, there was something about a military training airfield in my parents’ backyard. I was being trained on how to fly a World War II style fighter jet. I remember flying over the neighborhood, and then being shot at by the enemy. As my fighter was going down, my brother showed up and shot the enemy fighter. The damage was too great on my plane to continue flying it, so I had to eject but the first couple of tries to eject didn’t go over so well and then the last time I tried, the top of the plane finally popped off and I was finally able to get out of the fighter.

Some other things happened, and then I remember standing at the training field that was still in the backyard of my parents’ house. A messenger walked up to me and handed me a folded over piece of paper and after the messenger left, I read it. My heart sunk as I read the words on the paper and I started crying in my dream, which apparently made me cry while I was sleeping. In the dream, I went to the brick patio and started digging up something that I knew was buried there by the person that died in my dream. As I took the last few bricks away, there was a board so I lifted that away and under that board were some hearts cut out of wood. Each heart had something written on them and a name to the person the heart belonged to in the event of that particular person dying. I found a heart for me at the bottom of the pile. As I read what was written on my heart, it made me cry harder. That’s the point that I woke up.

I have no idea what was written on the heart, I wish I did though. But honestly, that’s one dream that I don’t want to have again. I think that is the first time that I woke up crying as hard as I was, and that is also something that I don’t really want to experience again. It was rather unpleasant and depressing.

This last Saturday was Star Wars day, May the 4th be with you, and in honor of Star Wars day I decided to do something a little different with my hair. Since it’s not as long as it used to be so I had little buns instead of the big buns on the sides of my head. It was interesting, after church, we went to Dairy Queen for some ice cream, and as I was standing in line waiting for my treat, some older lady told me that she loved my hair. She said that it was a great style and it looked fabulous on me. In addition to the interesting love of my hair, she said that I have beautiful eyes. That I hear a lot actually and was told once that I should be a model for eye glasses. I’m actually asked a lot if I wear contacts. Nope, contact free. You know, that is one part of my body that I absolutely love, my eyes. They are pretty fantastic.

Other than that, not a whole lot happened this weekend. I did realize that I absolutely adore Kevin Conroy, he’s the voice of Bruce Wayne/Batman from ‘Batman: The Animated Series’ and a whole lot of other things. Speaking of Batman, Batman is the best. My all time favorite DC comic book character. If I could, I’d like to mary Batman.

I guess now that I think about it, there are some other things that I’d like to write about to get off my chest, but it won’t be today. It’s just going to take a little longer to get a post done about one of the other things that I’m annoyed with. Until then, have a lovely rest of your day.

Being Sick and Dreams

Let me tell you, dreams while running a fever are rather interesting. I don’t know that they are stranger than my normal dreams. Yesterday, I was home sick, puking my guts out when I woke up, and again later in the afternoon/early evening. My dreams while I was sleeping were focusing around things that were hot, like I fell asleep on a frying pan next to a grilled cheese that was being made. In another dream, I was walking around in a desert wearing all black clothing with a winter coat and snow boots on, then I stumbled upon an oasis, stripped down to my birthday suit and jumped into the water. It started out as relaxing in cool water, but then it turned into a boiling pot with macaroni noodles in it. Apparently I was hungry for something with cheese. But considering I couldn’t even keep saltine crackers and water down, any food was out of the question.

Somehow, I managed to get nearly 20 hours of sleep. I do feel a bit more rested, but I wish I could have slept a little longer, or maybe even taken another day off work. That would have been fabulous. Though I honestly really truly hate calling in. I always end up feeling worse calling in than how I feel when I am sick. Not awesome.

This is probably only the second time I remember throwing up while being sick since I was a little kid- so 20 years or so. Other times I have thrown up were alcohol induced, so those don’t count.

Anyway, speaking of dreams, I’ve had some lately where I wake up and forget most of what I’ve dreamt about. That’s a shame really because the bits and pieces that I remember are pretty awesome. So, the rest of this post is going to be about those dream bits that I can remember.

Dream 1: I was in Russia walking along a bridge and was covered and had like little shops and stores. I remember walking out of one of the shops and bumping into this tall lady who was dressed all in black. She had a hooded cloak on that was pulled just far enough over her face that it was casting a shadow so you couldn’t see her facial features except her eyes that were glowing blue. I told her I was sorry about bumping into her, and she just looked at me confused. I told her to hold on a moment, got out my phone and opened up the Google translate app and used that to tell her that I was sorry in Russian. She looked at me again, even more confused and then said, “I understand that you are sorry young one, I just don’t understand what you are sorry about.”

I was shocked that she didn’t understand I was apologizing for bumping in to her. I explained that to her and she replied that she was unfamiliar with the actions of the locals. I told her that I was not from Russia and that I was on vacation. She looked happy then, asking if I was from Pandoleenaka. I told her no, I was from Wisconsin.

Dream 2: I was at a house that was occupied by my aunt and she was having a family get together. I remember trying to get ready for it and I had some hot rollers in my hair to make it curly. I went to take one of the rollers out of my hair, and as I started to unroll it, just came out with my hair still attached to it but it was melted to the roller. I freaked out and took the rest of the hot rollers out and was lucky that none of the other rollers melted my hair. Later on in that dream, I was at my parent’s house helping out with a garage sale they were having and they asked what I wanted for dinner so I said stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut. They ordered it and I ate it. Then later again still at my parents after the garage sale was done for the day, I took off running in the back yard like I was getting ready to do the triple jump from track and field, but instead of landing in a pit of sand, huge angel wings sprouted from my back and I took off flying in the air. I was flying as high as the wings could take me and then diving to just barely above the ground before flying up again.


Cheating a Bit

So I’ve decided to cheat a bit here. I do apologize for not getting the dream posted yesterday, but I’m posting it now. As a post on this page, as well as it’s own page like the other dreams I have typed up. Links to those dreams are corralled on the Dreams page here.

So, here’s my dream…

The dream started out where I was at some sort of place of business, may have been where I work, but I’m not really sure. I had to attend a meeting, so when I got to the conference room, there were people I knew already seated around the table. My third grade teacher, a past minister from my church, my SLP, my SLP’s mom that died, and some other people. The past minster was talking about something, and my SLP kept interrupting him so I told my SLP to stop talking. SLP stopped only for a little bit, but then started talking again. So I told him to shut up and listen to what was being said as it was important. The next person started talking and SLP started talking again over the next person. I finally told my SLP to shut the fuck up and listen to what was being said. He finally did.

There was a break in the meeting, so I wandered off to get something to drink. After I returned from getting a drink, the meeting was about to continue so I sat back down in my seat again. After the minister started talking again, my SLP started talking again, trying to add a few details here and there about whatever it was being discussed. I finally had enough and just got up, looked at SLP and told him that he is a disrespecting ass hole for constantly talking over other people. Then I left the conference room. I could hear my SLP ask what he did wrong as I was standing outside the door to the conference room where they could not see me. Then his mom started talking and told him everything he did wrong and what he needs to do to fix it.

The rest I didn’t hear because I left the building I was in, and suddenly I was in a different dream or something. It was night out and the city I was in was under lock down. I remember feeling terrified looking around and seeing all the lights off in the city and the streets were empty. Suddenly someone came running up to me and frantically said they were looking for me everywhere and that we needed to get inside as soon as possible. I had no idea what was going on, and I told this person that. She looked at me like I was nuts and said that they lock the city down every night because of bad things that happen while we sleep. I asked her what sort of stuff and she just looked horrified that I didn’t know. Instead of telling me what happens, she took me up to the roof of one of the buildings in the city. Once there, she pointed out something big on the horizon that was walking towards the eastern edge of the city.

Seeing the huge monster, or whatever it was, brought all these memories back. They weren’t my memories though because I knew I was just in a conference room pissed off at my SLP for not shutting his trap. I was more confused than anything. Finally the person I was with, I knew her name now, told me to follow her to the staging area. We get there and she hands me this plug suit, like the ones they wear in Neon Genesis Evangelion, and tells me to put it on. I put the suit on and follow her to another room where we get in this capsule that will take us underwater and away from the city.

Instead, we crawl through this opening and we’re back out in the city but now it’s during the day and there are people out and about minding their own business. I looked down, and I was in normal clothes and the plug suit apparently disappeared or had some sort of thing where it changed depending on your surroundings. We walked into a store to buy some flowers and the lady at the counter gave us a weird look. We got the flowers and left. We went to another store to get a shirt. While we were waiting for the lady at the counter to assist us, she looked at me and said that she still supports my father. I had no idea what she was talking about and she saw the confused look on my face. Then she put her hands on each side of my head above my ears and shared her memories with me about what happened to my father.

There was a loud noise outside and she looked up, her face paled and she said to get behind the counter. After my friend and I behind the counter, two guys enter her shirt shop and talk to her about my friend and I, demanding to know where we went. They said they had information that we were in there. The lady motioned for us to crawl through a hidden door at the end of the counter, so we did just before the two men walked around the counter to see for themselves that we were not in her store.

Once we were through the hidden door, we were standing in a kitchen to a house. Again, I was confused, but the kitchen seemed familiar to me. With these new memories of my father, I realized it was the kitchen of his house. I turned to my friend and asked what the hell was going on. I told her one minute, I’m sitting in a conference room with people I know are in my life, I walk out of the conference room and building to be submerged into the night of some city that’s in lock down I don’t know and taken to some room and told to put on some skin tight suit only to be back in my normal clothes a few minutes later. Then I’m given memories of my father, who is actually my father, but these are memories I’ve never had of him before doing things that I know he would never do. My friend had no answers for me and just sat there dumbfounded that I would even question what was even happening.

I left her standing in the kitchen and walked to the living room where there were a bunch of different people sitting around on the couch, chairs and even extra chairs brought in from the kitchen. Each group of people had colored shirts on. One group was pink, another was green, there was also red, blue, orange and brown. All the shades were drawn down, doors and windows were locked tight and cloth stuffed in the cracks of doors that lead outside as well as the windows. I sat down on the couch with the people in brown shirts. Everyone was so intently watching the news channel that was showing what was happening outside. There were riots in the streets, people torching cars and buildings. I asked what the hell was going on as I still had not gotten a clear answer. I started to feel sad as I watched the tv, it was like war had come to the city I was in and there was nothing that I or anyone else could do to stop it. No one seemed to know why it was even happening either.

As I tears started to stream down my face, my father walked into the kitchen from the passageway from the shirt shop.  People started cheering when my father walked into, but when he saw me sitting on the couch; he stopped dead and started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said he thought I was taken or worse, killed. I asked him hoping he would explain why this war was happening. He calmed down enough to tell me what was going on. He explained that this war was started because of me. I asked why it was started because of me. I told him that I wasn’t important enough to start a war over. He said, yes and that to him, I was the most important person in the world. When I was taken by some group of people, he did everything he could to get me back. Then when the bad guys started taking other daughters from other families, those fathers joined my dad in the fight to get their daughters back. I asked him how it escalated to riots and torching buildings and such. My father said that was the bad guys who were doing that. They figured out that the fathers were able to sneak into their base and get their daughters back, but when my father snuck in, I was already gone.

Even though I wasn’t being held captive, he still helped the other men get their daughters back. Some of the other fathers weren’t so lucky and saw what the bad guys were doing to their daughters. The selected few were being used as breeding stock to have different genetics in their lines. My father feared the worst and thought I was chosen to be a breeder. I told him I was, but I snuck away before they could take me. I told him what happened to me and even though I didn’t do what I said I did, I still have memories that I did that.

So, with me being safe and not harmed by the bad guys, my father started making plans to get me and some of the other fathers and daughters out of the city. The plan was, I would hide in a fifth wheel RV along with two other people that would apparently be my protectors. I had to hide in the top bunk bed they had in there. My father would be driving the truck pulling the RV and his best friend would be with him in the cab. The time came to smuggle me out to the RV, so they rolled me up in a roll of carpeting that was to be installed in the RV and carried me out. I thought the plan was just ridiculous, I mean come on, how suspicious would that look.. During the night, the fighting was almost non-existent so it was easy to sneak me out to the RV. Once inside, they unrolled me and I climbed up to the top bunk. The two protectors, both wearing pink shirts took their places, one at the door and the other at the window by the beds. My father backed the truck up and his buddy got out and hooked the RV up to the hitch on the truck. After it was secured, we left.

At some point during the night, there was a loud bang on the roof of the RV and I felt the unit swerve. I tried to ask what was going on, but I didn’t get an answer, I was only told to be quiet. When the sun came up the next day, I peeked out from under the covers of the bed and saw there was a huge hole in the roof and one of the protectors was gone. I radioed to the cab of the truck to talk to my father, and was told he was napping after driving all night. His buddy told me to hang tight while we cross the state line. I asked what was so important about crossing the state line and he said that the bad guys have no power over the other states, but people crossing had to prove that they had no daughters with them. I asked how we were supposed to prove that I was not a daughter and my father’s buddy didn’t have an answer quite yet and it would be a while before we had to cross the state line.

My father woke up a bit later as the truck pulled over to the side of the road so they could assess the damage of the hole in the roof. My father took me aside and told me that I would need to cut my hair short to look like a boy. I was not thrilled about it, but said that if it would help keep me alive, I would do whatever I had to do. I sat down as the other protector got out a scissors and began cutting my hair. I was also given an Ace bandage by the protector and was told to bind my chest to make it look like I had no breasts. I was ok with that more than I was getting my hair cut. No idea why. After the haircut and chest binding, I changed my clothes to appear more boyish, and with the group’s approval, we continued on to the state line. Since I looked like a boy now, I didn’t have to hide in the bunk bed and was able to carefully move about the pull behind RV.

At this point, I’m going to assume we made it across the state line without issue and everything turned out for the good. But since I woke up at this point, I don’t know for sure what happened because I never got to dream it. Like usual with my dreams, I have no idea why I dreamed what I did, but it was fun dreaming it at the time and sometimes a little terrifying.

One Thing I Wish I’d Known Better

Man, one thing I wish I’d known better… There are so many to pick from really. I guess the biggest one and the one I still struggle with is money management. It’s not something that comes easy to me, though I like to think I can handle my income. I make enough that I could live on my own, probably without a tv- provided I have a tablet or computer to watch stuff on, so I’d need to have an internet provider and of course a mobile phone. Also would need a car so I can get to and from work and other places I may need to go. However, my current living situation should be saving me money but it’s not. My SLP does not have a job, but still receives money so he has some sort of an income, but the income I earn from working is the primary flow of money.

I know I can keep a check book balanced if I had to, but in the past I had trouble even doing that and went under a few times. Once bad enough I had to be bailed out. Was spending, but didn’t have the money. That was a lesson learned and it’s been quite a while since my bank account went under for anything. My issue is, I know how to do it, I just don’t want to do it. So my SLP has taken over my account and he manages all the money. Making weekly budgets, deciding what to spend on groceries and house hold supplies each week if we need to get something like toilet paper. Also makes sure all the bills are paid on time. We don’t have that many of them, but there are enough that still makes my paycheck stretched tight each time I’m paid.

I just wish that we had put a large chunk of money we received due to someone dying a few years ago to better use. I’m told that it’s my fault a lot of it was used up because I didn’t have a job for what my SLP says was two years. That’s actually false, as it was only at most one year. My SLP is the one that hasn’t had a job since high school, and that’s 13 years ago this year since his last job. I have been working steadily since the end of August, beginning of September of 2008 at the current company I’m at now, only thing was I was a temp until this past October when I was finally hired on in a full time position with fabulous benefits.

I get it, losing a parent is hard and it puts you in a funk for a while, but during that funk, I was the one that got the house cleaned and had people over that I trusted to help me clean. My SLP was the one that stayed in bed, stewing because people I trusted were over helping get the house cleaned up and just not so cluttered anymore. It’s not like it was dirty and grimy, just stuff that needed going through and things that needed to be put away. Since then, it’s been easier to get the house clean, but there are still things that take a bit to get done. I think eventually I’d like to get a cleaning schedule set for the house that makes it easier to clean instead of running around like crazy 10 minutes before someone comes over. It’s kind of hard to get basement stink out of the air in 10 minutes. Only thing really is to make fresh bread, and even that takes more than 10 minutes to mix, let sit to rise, then shape the dough, let is rise again and then finally bakes nearly two hours later.

Another thing I wish I’d known better was that even in their crazy way, my parents just wanted what was best for me. If it meant a ridiculous list of rules that I had to follow, then I guess I would have gone along with it. Instead, I rebelled, moved out and stopped going to school. Guess that’s not exactly what they wanted for me, but it’s what they got. I didn’t care if it hurt them, because they hurt me with the stupid rules. It didn’t help that I was clinically depressed and during the beginning of the school year, I was at a psychologist, and my mom was seeing a different psychologist in the next room over. My mom’s psychologist was also a family therapist, and my whole immediate family has gone to appointments with the family therapist as well as just my parents and myself seeing her. Well one day when my mom and I had appointments, and for the last part of it, my psychologist and I went into the office next to her office to meet with my mom and the family therapist. Apparently, they somehow decided that I was going to be hospitalized because I was zoning out and not wanting to pay attention to what they were talking about. I was livid that I was being stuck in a mental hospital when there wasn’t anything seriously enough wrong with me to have to go. In addition to being livid, I felt sad and even more than feeling sad, I felt abandoned. So after a few weeks after the new school year started, I had to be pulled from school for nearly two weeks to be monitored at the hospital. I was not a suicide risk, or even a risk to myself or others. So to this day, I’m still kind of baffled as to why I was even put in the hospital. My only guess would be is that my parents thought they were doing what was right at the time. Didn’t help that my psychologist, who I thought was on my side, even agreed with the family therapist and my mom that I needed the help the hospital could provide. Maybe that’s something I’ll have to ask my mom about. It’s not something that I like talking about much because I truly don’t understand why I went. Maybe my parents thought that it was something that was really going to help me.

Ugh, that’s enough of that, lol. Talking about that is making me all depressed and reminding me of how I pretty much threw my life away after getting out of the hospital because I thought it was the end of the world I was even there. I guess that really doesn’t have much to do with something I wish I’d known better. Anyway, I’m typing up a dream I had the other night so I think some time later today I’ll get that posted.