Writing, Dribble, Drabble and Depression

Another day, another post. Nothing too exciting has been happening lately. I’ve decided to try drawing while at work. I have resorted to tracing some of what I want to draw, and then drawing the rest of it- probably not the best, but at least I’m getting practice at drawing and shading. Yesterday, I got a call from some seriously crazy dude who said that if he doesn’t get the results he’s looking for on a claim he will call his buddy Bill O’Reilly over at Fox News. Riiight.. It’s interesting to me to hear of the empty threats people make to get things or make things go their way.

Oh, before I forget, I changed the layout of my thing here. I like this look better but probably in a few months I may change it again or at least the image in the back ground will be changed probably.

I’ve been thinking lately on things that I wish I could write, like books or something. There are a few things that I wish I could write and they would be good enough to be published. The first being maybe a book or something about my own life, but I don’t think it’s that important or even that exciting or fantastic. The next thing I wish I could write would be a Star Wars book. I love Star Wars and occasionally I feel like a walking Star Wars encyclopedia, however when it comes the newer stuff, I’m useless. Mostly because I didn’t watch many of those Clone Wars episodes where it looks like the characters were made with cake decorating fondant. I don’t have anything against that particular series; I just never really gave it a chance. The character of Ahsoka Tano is great for young girls, but Ahsoka and the entire Clone Wars series are things I would not necessarily consider true cannon in the Star Wars universe. For me, the six movies, Episodes I-VI are the true cannon. Well then, totally did not mean to go off on a tangent there. Sorry… Anyway, the point of that is, I’m more of a walking encyclopedia of the original and prequel trilogies.

As for the last thing that I would love to write or whatever, would be a Batman comic or story and that would just be fantastically awesome. For me, Batman is my all-time favorite comic book character. He has no super powers; he’s just a regular human that is basically a genius, an expert fighter and martial artist and has a bunch of awesome toys and weapons. His thing is that he does not kill people- as most super heroes like to say, however he has killed. In the comics and animated series, there’s not a whole lot of killing going on, just severely injuring people and in the live action movies, he does kill people.  Sorry, I rambled on again and that’s a terrible habit I should probably stop one day.

I guess that’s it for thing I wish I could write. Maybe someday I’ll come up with an amazing plot line for Star Wars or Batman, write it and maybe submit it. I’m not really a fan of rejection, so I may just write it for myself and just not share it.. ever. Cause I’m weird like that. Or perhaps, if I did write something, I would just make up a pen name and remain anonymous so people who actually know me won’t know that I wrote it. I’m just afraid that if it is good and gets published (which I seriously doubt anyway) I don’t know lol. I’m just rambling again. Maybe I just don’t want people I know in person to know that I wrote something like that because they would think it’s weird. Generally I don’t usually mind what people think about me, but recently I’ve been worrying more about it. Take this blog for example, there are a few people I know in real life that read this. I’m ok with that because I know those people won’t judge me like I think others would. As I’ve said before on here, I have a lot of anxiety troubles, and they’ve become more pronounced in recent years. I have even gone on medication to help with my depression and mood issues, but I can’t seem to recall if that particular medication helps with anxiety. I suppose I could Google it quick.. Well then, I guess it is used for anxiety. “Venlafaxine is used primarily for the treatment of depression, general anxiety disorder, social phobia, panic disorder and vasomotor symptoms- also known as hot flashes and or night sweats.”

Well then, if it helps with anxiety, why do I still feel as though I still have major issues with that particular thing? No idea. I guess now that I think about it, the medication has helped with other things besides my depression. The social phobia is starting to get better and that’s the one that needs the most help yet. Here’s a bit about the social phobia:

Ultimately, someone with social phobia fear that people they do not know may judge them, which would cause them to have anxiety. Most commonly, social phobia develops between early adolescence and age 25 (Schneier et al., 1992).

That right there is it. That’s why I stopped going to the gym. That’s why I stopped going to church after I gained weight, but I’m going again now and singing at church too. So maybe the medication is working. I don’t think that I would ever be able to go to a gym again for a very long time. It took me nearly ten years to start going to church again every week instead of just on Easter, Christmas or other special occasions.

I can also say I haven’t had a panic attack in a while either. The last few happened when I made it to the gym after work, parked my car and just freaked out in the car. I don’t know why it happened, but I would sit in my car for a while just crying and berating myself for not being able to get out of the car and just walk in. It truly sucked. I think my fears and anxiety issues would get me so freaked out and scared and nervous and it just came out in the form of crying over it.

I don’t know. It just sucks. I know the issues I have are not as bad as some other people, but some days it seems like the end of the world to me and all I want to do is just hide myself away surrounded by things that comfort me, like a particular pillow and down alternative comforter, or snatch one of the cats and just holding him and petting him to calm my frayed nerves. Other things include listening to music while reading a book or writing my thoughts down on paper and then later burning it. I sometimes feel that if I burn what I wrote, it releases those feelings and things from my mind for good, but those things always seem to find their way back into my mind. Another thing I do that I really need to work on stopping is eating. I eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m bored, when I’m stressed and even if I’m fighting with my Spouse-Like-Person, I go to the kitchen to take my mind off the fight. I’ll look through all the cupboards and the fridge about five times before I finally decide on something to eat and then proceed to stuff my face so I don’t have to talk to my SLP and it takes my mind off the fight.

Slowly though, I am getting better. My parents tell me all the time that since I started the medication, I just seem like a happier person. I’m doing things again that at one time used to mean something to me, like being part of this music thing at church- granted I didn’t sing with them before, but it’s still the same because I am part of something that means something to me. And, that’s all that matters right? As long as it means something to me and it’s good, I should be golden.

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Not Even Sure What to Title This…

I guess it’s kind of been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here; I’ve been kind of busy. Between helping my parents with a massive five day garage sale (they are kind of crazy), singing at church and dealing with a grumpy Spouse-Like-Person… it has either been happy or irritating.

So, I will start with the garage sale. My parents have been purging their house since they had to empty out the kitchen to remodel it back in February. My mom has been calling it a pre-estate sale so my brother and I don’t have too much stuff to try and deal with for when they die. With my parents purging their house, I’ve been bringing some things home with me that I want to keep. My SLP is having major issues with that. Some of the stuff I’ve brought home is kind of silly and I think to myself, what in the world am I going to do with that. While other things I’ve brought home, I have an emotional attachment to that I am not quite ready to get rid of. Other things are useful to me, like a sewing machine that’s old, but a lot better than the one we have. But my SLP was the exact name and model number of the sewing machine I brought home to see what it is worth to sell. Umm.. nope. I’m not going to sell it. Not yet at least. Sure it’s an older machine and a pain in the ass to thread the bobbin, but it sews beautifully, and a lot better than the other one. My SLP thinks he knows everything about the other machine, not mine, because he read the manual that came with it. I don’t care, but every time I try to sew on it, the bobbin gets all mangled because he fucked with the tension settings and now no matter what fabric I’m sewing the bobbin gets messed up.

Because of the garage sale, I’ve been spending a lot of time over at my parents to help get ready for the sale, help write up things for Craigslist and show my mom how to put ads up as well as helping each night after work during the week and on the weekend as well. As I’m sure you can guess, my SLP had issues with me being gone so much and helping my parents more than I “help out around the house.” He’s upset because I didn’t call when I was going to be later than I planned. At least I get that one, worried something might have happened like a flat tire or I’m upside down in a ditch somewhere.

Next thing would be singing with a choir like group at church on Saturday night. He’s upset with me because I didn’t talk with him before committing myself to this. Ok, I honestly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, practice on Thursday night before the Saturday we sing. And! It’s only every other week. So really, not that big of a deal. He’s also upset because I volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does called LOGOS every Wednesday night during the school year. His line of thinking is that it’s for people with kids and old people. He has said it’s just weird that I’m helping because I have no kids. Fine, let it be weird, but at this point I’m not even sure that I will ever have kids, so this will have to do.

Speaking of church and singing, I’m not sure I like the director of the group I sing with. She’s kind of snotty and a little rude sometimes and even bossy. Though I suppose she has a right to be bossy, but not snotty. She’s also not too keen with some of the staff of the church. Not sure what her problem is, but there’s no reason to say bad things about them. However, I’m trying to convince her that Starlight by Muse would be a good song to do one Saturday night.

My SLP asked why I was doing the singing at church. Honestly, I thought that I would be playing piano, just the left hand (lower notes), and not singing. But I’m singing now, and that’s not too bad and I kind of actually like singing. I told him that I missed it. He asked what I missed. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I missed about it, but I didn’t want to say something that he would just end up using against me later on. I missed being part of something that’s fun. He figured as much and said that if I missed being part of something that there are other things that I can be a part of and not just stuff at my church. He also told me not to get too comfortable because I might have to switch churches because my SLP does not like my church due to its size. It is large physically, as well as large member wise. My SLP thinks that when we have kids (if ever now) that we should go to a neutral church that neither of us have been to nor been members of. The one he wants to go to is an ok one, and I wouldn’t mind it, except I really like my church and the people there and I’ve been a member there all my life and I don’t see myself changing churches. Does that make me a bad person? I really hope not. To be honest, I don’t even think that my SLP would even go to church if we were to ever have kids.

Out of all of this, I think he’s just more upset that I didn’t spend a lot of time with him this past week. But for him to tell me to not get too comfortable in my own church and the activities that I do there.

Another thing that I’m actually more upset about than I thought was yesterday I was able to talk to my sister-in-law about my nephew being baptized soon and who they were thinking for God Parents. As it turns out, she was thinking one person who absolutely adores my nephew. My brother was thinking about another couple who would actually be great God Parents. I’m just kind of upset that I wasn’t even in the running for it. I have a feeling it’s because of my SLP.

No one in my family really likes my SLP- they mostly think he is a lazy ass that doesn’t do much around the house and I’m the one that ends up doing it all. Most of the time they would be correct. He mostly sleeps all day, complains about money that I spend (that I earn by working a full time job by the way), constantly telling me that my eating habits are bad and that I should eat better (really? Like I don’t already know that), that I would make a bad parent because I only think of myself and wouldn’t take care of the kid and finally about how I do nothing around the house. I don’t do a lot around the house because a lot of the time I don’t care. I also feel that because I was the one that tried to keep the house clean so many times before he would even help or think about helping that it’s just not my turn to care anymore. I will give him this though, he has been cleaning at night when I’m sleeping, but it’s not clean clean like I want it to be. I’m still planning on doing some massive cleaning some weekend, but my cleaning is also going to be purging the house. I should have done that sooner and had stuff at the garage sale my parents just had, would have been perfect. Now, I’ll have to wait until the fall to see if I could maybe have some stuff at a garage sale one of my aunties will be having. I have decided that if I do have stuff at the next “family” garage sale, I’m not sharing whatever I end up making with my SLP.

My dad brought up the fact that it would probably be better if my SLP and I moved into a condo. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing a lawn, home repairs, a mortgage.. I don’t know. We thought about it after my SLP’s mother died, but for us to move out of the house would take a lot of work because there is just a lot of stuff. Not all of it is even savable, but it means something to my SLP so I can’t get rid of it he has to and unfortunately he probably won’t.

I don’t even know anymore. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m happy with the things that I’m doing like my job, volunteering and singing at church and they are things that I’ve missed greatly, but my SLP does not fully support me in these endeavors. He thinks they are just going to be passing fads I seem to cycle through like cross stitching, knitting, painting, drawing- that sort of stuff. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I just wish my SLP would me more than tell me that I can’t do things like this. Maybe I need to give my support in order to get his support. I can’t say that I’ve supported him recently in anything other than a surgery a while ago. I’m told that I’m not supportive to him, but I don’t know what I need to be supportive of. Am I supposed to support his choice to sleep nearly all day? No, because that’s not something that I want to support. Like I said, I don’t even know anymore.

Dreams and Church

So, I had a weirdish dream last night and typed up as much as I could remember and put it here if you would like to read it. Probably not though cause it’s not really that interesting.

Another thing I’d like to touch on today since it is Sunday, is church. I didn’t realize how much I actually missed going to church until I started going again. For some reason I feel like it gives me a partial purpose in life. I say partial because I still don’t know what my full purpose in life is yet, though I secretly hope it’s something spectacular and special. But with my luck it probably won’t be. I’m not going to push my religion on you and say that if you don’t go to church you soul is going to be damned to hell for all eternity. I’m also not going to say going to church is the greatest thing in the world either. I will say that I think I enjoy going is to see people who care about me and welcome me no matter how I look or how much weight I’ve gained since they have last saw me. There is a safe feeling about going to church because no matter who you are or what your background or things going on in your personal life, these people at my church will always accept you for who you are and not what you are. Ever since I was a baby, my parents have taken my brother and I to church every Sunday for the 8:00 service. When my brother got his drivers license, I think he was given the choice of going or not going and from what I can remember, he still went with us. When I was in I high school, I still went every Sunday with my parents until the church added a Saturday night service that started at 5:00. There were some weekends that I got a triple dose of church because of various things the senior high kids did and when I was part of a music group at church. After I turned 18 and moved out of my parents house, I pretty much stopped going to church except for Christmas and Easter and a few other times. Though starting this year, I’ve gone more than I have in the last few years. I have also been thinking about joining that musical group again since they are still providing the music for the Saturday night service every other week.

I have also volunteered to be a table parent for this thing my church does each Wednesday during the school year called Logos. Though I won’t start until this next school year since the current one is almost done. When I told my SLP about it, I knew he’d have a bad reaction. He’s not too thrilled that I will be gone every Wednesday for a few hours each night after work. I didn’t see what the big deal was about it. I’m actually excited and looking forward to doing it. I did this program when it first started 15 years ago and continued until I moved out. I was having a conversation with SLP’s step mom last night and I told her about my plans and what his reaction was.  She didn’t see anything wrong with me wanting to do this and said “What’s wrong with that? You will probably enjoy it and grow your circle of friends… THAT would be the problem.” I told her that my SLP has said on multiple occasions that he doesn’t like my church because it’s so big and constantly growing and that it is “too big for their britches.” She also made a point when she asked if my SLP ever supports my interests, and if not, take him up on counseling just to point it out. I told her that he doesn’t really support anything I do unless it benefits him in some way. Unfortunately, the more I think about that, it’s true. I was under the impression that part of the spouses job in a marriage is to always support their other half in life and in their interests.

I’ll have to write another post about my SLP later. He just drives me up the wall with his behavior and honestly deserves an entire post on his own, sadly. It’s also sort of late and I need to get to bed so I can get up for work tomorrow. For those of you that are reading this, I hope you all had a good weekend and the week won’t drag on too much for you this week. Next weekend enjoy your chocolate bunny and marshmallow Peep induced comas, I know I will!