Wondering Where to Go

I often wonder what I would be doing with my life had I done things differently? For example, in high school, I had a chance to date a really nice guy but I turned him down. I’m not sure of the reason anymore but I wonder how different my life would have been had I dated him. Would we have stayed together as long as my spouse-like-person (SPL) have? I like to think that maybe had I dated the other guy, I may have actually continued to go to high school instead of basically dropping out for a few months. I did end up graduation with my class, but I went to the Alternative School, which unfortunately was where those kids went. The ones that were into drugs who got busted, the ones who dropped out or got knocked up or were just the bad kids in general. It’s sad that the Alternative program has such a bad rap for that, but I wasn’t with those kids. I only needed an English credit and a math credit to even graduate, otherwise I had all the credits I needed. I ended up doing self study courses on a computer program. For the last to quarter report cards of my life, I was finally on the High Honor Roll. That was only because I had two courses and I got high A’s in both English and math. So in a way, it was sort of cheating because I didn’t have the other courses to bring my G.P.A down to a lower average.

Anyway, back to my musings about a possible future I may have had. I think if I didn’t turn him down, I never would have moved out of my parents house when I turned 18, I would have continued to go to school like a normal person, and then gone off to college. While at college, I would have met someone new and would have to decide if I wanted to continue a relationship with the other guy from high school or give it a go with the new guy at college. I’m not a big fan of change, but I may have decided to give it a go to see if there was anything there. If not, I would have gone back to the guy from high school if he didn’t find anyone at the college he went to. Had it not gone well with the new guy from college, I think I would have gone back to the other guy from high school. Then I would have realized that it would not have worked out between us and out mothers would just have to be disappointed. My mom and his mom had been plotting since the guy from high school and myself were little tykes that one day we would get married. Yeah.. too bad that it didn’t work out that way.

I also often wonder about what would happen if I left my SPL. For a while and even now, I still think about a future without him in it. He tends to bring me down a lot and we fight a lot. Is this the sort of thing I want to keep living in a house with? If I have kids, do I want them to be with my SPL? How will raising my future kids in a house like this where there is a lot of fighting hurt them? There seem to be too many questions for me to be sure about anything. I have no idea and that scares me a lot. More so that I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I wonder where to go probably more than I should. Maybe that’s because I’m still looking for Mr. Right, if he’s even out there anywhere. In my dreams, I always dream about Mr. Right and meeting him and having that perfect family with him in the big house and nice cars. Much like the American Dream. But then my dream turns into something worse. The house burns down, my family is falling apart, my perfect husband has been cheating on me and in turn, I cheated on him and only one of my two kids with him are actually his. So much for the perfect lifestyle that a lot of people strive towards. I don’t think there will ever be that perfect family except in movies. I think if you have a ton of money, you can only be happy for so long. As the saying goes, money doesn’t buy happiness. It just buys a lot of stuff to hold your attention for a while, but even then the attention only lasts so long on the item. If you don’t have a lot of money but you have a caring and wonderful family, I think that is closer to that perfect happiness. You can’t have both, but you can certainly try. Money tends to destroy families, people always have that greed in them, but for a lot, money brings that out. Then the stupid decisions start and then the money is all gone.

Look at that, I’m rambling again. I’m so sorry. I do that a lot. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I do wonder where I should go from here in life. I don’t know that I’m truly happy and I do wonder all the time if I would be happier without my SPL. But then I start to feel guilty because I think about all the people I will disappoint because I won’t be part of their lives. It’s hard for me because I do truly care for them and I am so glad that they are in my life.

With that, I will end this post with one of my favorite songs from Muse, Butterflies & Hurricanes.

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